The worst part, I think, is how it makes me feel as if you just decided, "I wanna write a fanfic!" and typed it up in one go in the reply box.
...Yeah, not helping the writer here.
Adding on to the review, allow me to explain why writing in the reply box is bad. You can't spell check, and you end up rushing your work in an effort to get everything done before you have to get offline. If you rush your work, you're more likely to make mistakes, so your work isn't as easy for the reader to go through. As a writer, you really want to make sure that your work is easy to read because you want the reader to focus completely on the story,
not trying to decipher what you're attempting to say.
So, you'll want to write in a word processor such as Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, or Open Office. All three programs (and any other program like them) have built-in spell checkers to catch your basic errors, and you're able to save your work offline (where we can't see an unfinished product) until you've completed a chapter and are ready to post it. They also have search functions which enable you to quickly locate parts of your story in case you want to go back and edit bits and pieces, and it's a bit easier to read something in a word processing document than it is in a cramped reply box.
In short, you'll want to go with writing in a word processor, rather than straight onto the board.
Moving on to the rest of the fic (to further explain what dark really didn't -- I'm sorry)...
You really don't want to have headers like these because they really break the flow of the story, particularly when you do it again to perform a scene transition. Instead, you'll want to incorporate this into the scene itself, such as in a description of the setting. For example, look at this and notice how it's different compared to your beginning:
Five thousand years ago, the world was wild. Lush, verdant forests covered the land, the leaves of each plant swaying beneath an ancient sun and moon. In the center of one such forest, there was a stone well left alone by human and Pokemon alike. Its stone walls descended deep into the earth until its bottom was nothing but a black depth. For years, it stood like this, an ancient fixture in a comparatively young forest. Its maw was dark, and its depths were quiet.
Of course, you don't have to go quite as overboard, but do you see how I not only established the time of the scene but also what the scene looked like? You'll want to do something like that because the more visuals and the smoother the transition from one scene to another, the easier it is for the reader to get drawn into the story. They'll be able to focus on visualizing what's going on, rather than get jarred by a new setting. The transitions will just feel natural to them.
I think you just mean "an egg" here. There's really no such thing as "an egg dwelling" unless you mean a nest.
Since "well of life" is the actual name of a specific well, you'll want to capitalize it as "Well of Life." Basically, it's a proper noun (or a name of a specific object, person, or place), and all proper nouns get capitalized.
That seems oddly sudden, actually.
It began to swim in the confinements of Lake Wysteria and then it took to the skies.
Well, first off, we don't know where the well is. As I've pointed out earlier, I thought it was just a stone well in the middle of nowhere, but you may be thinking of something else unless Lugia was somehow moved from the Well of Life to Lake Wysteria. (At that point, you'd need to mention that.) That's something you'll need to think about and really describe.
Basically, remember that we're the readers, and you're the author. You have this incredible mental image, but we can't see that because we're not you. So, you need to put in as much detail to describe your mental image as possible so we can see exactly what you see. Try to write down everything you're thinking about, like how Lugia emerged from the egg and into the well, why it flew from the lake, that sort of thing. Just as many details as possible so we can see what you see.
Also, you'll want a comma after "Wysteria" because this is a compound sentence. You can tell by covering up half the sentence (up to and including the word "and") and reading the second half aloud. Then, cover up the second half (including "and") and read the first half aloud. Notice how both parts can make sense as their own sentences? That means you're blending two sentences together, which means you need a comma
and a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) to show the reader that you could have just put a period between them, and they would make sense that way.
I'm Riku and this is my story.
Same thing here. As I've said a little bit ago, try covering up each half of the sentence and read the uncovered half aloud. You'll be able to spot individual sentences in a compound that way.
I left my house in Galewind Town in Fuuba. I headed for the lab of the amazing Professor Holon. My rival and Holon's grandson Jackson was already there. He was allowed to take a Growlithe as his starter and I got a Pikachu. We had a battle and I won.
Okay, cutting off right there. As I've said before, we're only readers, and you're our storyteller. You really need to work on describing everything you see as a writer in order to make us understand what you have in mind for your story. That includes describing the area (right down to the weather, if necessary), the characters, each action, and even the emotions of each character. Right now, we don't know what Riku is feeling, even when she gets her Pikachu. So, she ends up being a flat character, and we're less likely to feel any emotional attachment to her because we're really not getting much out of reading about her.
That and the last sentence was a Pokemon battle. For many OT stories, the battles are actually some of the most exciting scenes in the entire work because the reader comes to expect that trainers will battle. It's a huge part of the Pokemon world, and it's a bit unavoidable. That and it's a lot of action in a short amount of time. So, you really need to work on bringing out not only how the battle happened but also what each attack looks like, what injuries and damages are inflicted, that sort of thing. In other words, Pokemon battles are some of your most action-packed scenes in a new trainer story. Play them up because that's the kind of thing the reader would want to see.
I left for Cursedlight City the next town over.
Comma after "City." The reason why is because "the next town over" is a parenthetical, or a clause that doesn't necessarily
need to be there for the sentence to make sense but is there anyway because it clears up something in the main part of the sentence itself. So, a comma just separates them.
Comma at the end of this. This is an introduction clause of four words or more. It's like a parenthetical at the beginning of a sentence, so you need a comma to separate it as well.
my father gave me my first pokeballs.
And that was it? No teary goodbyes or anything?
See, that's what I mean about adding more description. We really can't get a feel of the characters if you rush like this.
Apostrophe in the word "leaders" so it looks like "leader's." The reason why is because this is a possessive, not a plural. You want to say the name belongs to the leader, not that there were multiple leaders. The apostrophe is the difference between the two. If it's in front of the S, that means you're saying one leader has one name. If it's after, then you're saying more than one leader has one name.
So, yeah, that's one of the reasons why you need to use a word processor: spell check can catch typos like this. (The word is actually "electric.")
Here goes my first steps into Cursedlight City...
You probably don't want to do this because you're telling the entire story in the past tense (as in, it's happening in the past), not the present tense. This sentence, however, switches to present tense (as in, it's happening right now), which means you're more likely to confuse the reader.
Overall, yes, I felt that you could use a bit of improvement. Let me break this down.
This link (OWL at Purdue) leads to one of the best guides to grammar on the internet. You'll want to look through it, especially the page about commas and apostrophes. Most of your errors (not all of which I've pointed out) were actually just simple mistakes that can be avoided if you teach yourself and memorize the rules.
Second, you'll really need to sit down and work on your story -- as in, take a few hours, not just a few minutes. You'll need to put a lot more descriptions and take your time with the plot because as it is, you're leaving the reader in the dark about a lot of things. Remember that a storyteller's primary job is to present a story clearly to a reader to entertain. You, as a storyteller, need to be careful and take your time so the reader can understand the story you're trying to tell. This includes not rushing through events and describing as much as possible, even emotions so we can see a character's personality, because otherwise, we just won't really get into the story you want to tell us.
You have the potential to improve, but you just need to work a bit harder, especially on slowing down and adding a lot more to your story.
