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A Pokemon Mystery

pokemon4763

    • 5
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Jul 4, 2008
    There is a mystery that has been in the pokemon world for centuries. Will it be solved by Annie? Will her pokemon and the friends that she meets on her journey help her? Or will this mystery remain unsolved?

    Chapter 1:The Beginning
    "Today is the day," said 12-year-old Annie, as she circled the date. It was the 12th day of June. "Today I start my pokemon journey!"

    After she gathered her town map, backpack and anything else she might need, she placed the items in her backpack. She ran down the stairs into the kitchen.

    Shesaw her mother eating breakfast. There wasa piece of French toast on a plate that was sitting in front of an empty chair. Her mom's blue and white squirrel like pokemon,Pachirisu, was sitting on the ground next to her. It was eating some pokemon food. The Pachirisu was one of Annie's favorite electric pokemon. She loves its cuteness and golden checks!

    "Come on Annie, have your breakfast!" Shouted her mother, getting up to put her plate in the sink.

    "But I have to get to there now! Before all of the good pokemon are gone!" Shouted Annie.

    "I'm sure that they can wait." Said her mother more sternly now. "Now don't let this food go to waste!"

    Annie sighed and started eating. When she was done she grabbed her backpack and ran out the door. She climbed onto her bike and shouted to her mom who was standing on the deck with her Pachirisu "By mom! I'll call you when I get my 1st pokemon!"

    And with that, she was out the door.

    Coming soon:Chapter 2:----The Pokemon journey begins.

    Please be honest!
     
    Last edited:
    pokemon4763 said:
    " he ran down the stairs and saw her
    Click to expand...

    Gender confusion; is your story about a boy or a girl?

    said:
    her mother eating breakfast with a piece of French toast in front of an empty chair. Her Pachirisu was sitting....She climbed onto her bike and shouted to her mom who was standing on the deck with her Pachirisu
    Click to expand...

    Confusing; who's Pachirisu is it?

    Spelling mistake in bold.

    You lack a lot of description. What does Pachirisu look like?

    said:
    Coming soon:Chapter 2:----The Pokemon journey begins.
    Click to expand...

    I hope this isn't the whole chapter, its way to short.

    Another spelling mistake. The built in spell check in Firefox spotted the spelling mistakes as I was typing a response. The spell checker in Firefox sucks, and to be cough by it means you did not run it through any spell checker.

    It looks to me as if you didn't proofread. If you did, may I suggest printing it out. It really helps me to proofread if I can actually see the text on paper.

    Someone else can help you with grammar, I am horrible with such.

    With more description, this might make a good story. It all depends on what you do with it.
     
    Oops! It was going to be a boy, but I changed it half way threw! I didn't catch that one...

    Her Moms. It says that later.
    I'll fix that
    Pachirisu isn't that important but I can discribe it...

    My 1st Chapters are always short..... the others are ALOT longer!

    Yes, I am bad at spelling..... it's my worst subject and always has been.

    Ok!!!! I just edited it!!!!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator:
    Since no one else is jumping in to this very fast, I might as well take a shot at grammar too. Then who ever comes along can check both of our posts. XD

    My suggestions will be in bold. Explanations will follow each paragraph.


    pokemon4763 said:
    There is a mystery that has been in the pokemon world for centuries. Will it be solved by Annie? Will her pokemon and the friends that she meets on her journey help her? Or will this mystery remain unsolved?
    Click to expand...

    Still missed the gender problem.

    I don't think its a good idea to start off a story questing your readers. I would get rid of it completely.

    said:
    Chapter 1:The Beginning

    "Today is the day," said (12-year-old) Annie, as she circled the date. It was the 12th day of June. "Today I start my pokemon journey!"
    Click to expand...

    Just the basics, spelling, grammar.
    Not sure if hyphens are necessary.
    IMO, too many 12's.



    said:
    After she gathered her town map, backpack, and anything else she might need, she placed the teams in her backpack. She ran down the stairs in to the kitchen.

    She saw her mother eating breakfast. There was a piece of French toast on a plate that was setting in front of an empty chair. Her mom's blue and white squirrel like pokemon, Pachirisu, was sitting on the ground next to her. It was eating some pokemon food. The Pachirisu was one of Annie's favorite electric pokemon. She loves its cuteness and golden checks!
    Click to expand...

    No spelling mistakes, that I could see. I changed the things because it makes the story flow better.

    New paragraph because of new scene.

    I wont go any further because I will end up doing your Chapter for you. When you write a story, or anything for that matter, read it aloud. if there are any mistakes you should hear them as you go along. Read out loud what you wrote, and then what I wrote.
     
    Thanks alot for the help! I edited it! I'll remember these tips for the next chapter!
     
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