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Abenegation

abnegation

10,673
Posts
15
Years
    • Seen Dec 30, 2023

    Abnegation


    Like a star shooting from the sky,
    Like a hurricane fading to a wind,
    Like a birds wings which refuse to fly,
    Like a devout christian who has sinned,
    I have reached my point of end.

    No more burdens for me now,
    No more for me, I will take my bow,
    Too much I had to take,
    Too much from all you fakes,
    I have reached my final revelation.

    You turned against me,
    You turned on one another,
    If you can't comprehend with being free,
    I don't know why I ever bothered,

    Don't believe you were popular that was just your interpretation,
    No matter how our past is structured, I have reached my abnegation.


    ​

    Quick Synopsis


    Okay well I've had a lot of questions about what this word means. It all depends. But in this situation it is this:
    Renunciation of your own interests in favor of the interests of others
    &
    To give in to something you had trust/belief in.

    This poem might be hard to comprehend it is one of my more specific poems. I hope you like it. I appreciate any feedback.
     
    Last edited:

    Donnie

    the popstar that never was
    987
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    • Age 29
    • Seen May 22, 2013
    K so, I already told you that this poem is amazing. Seriously, this is possibly the best poem I've ever read.
     

    Đ a r κ

    Love Intent
    816
    Posts
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    • Woah, this is very strong, I like it very much.
    Not like this matters all too much, but when you said " Like a hurricane fading to a wind "
    I'd maybe say ' Like a hurricane fading through the wind. '
    But that's just me xP All in all it's really an amazing poem. =]
     

    abnegation

    10,673
    Posts
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    • Seen Dec 30, 2023
    Ah thank you very much I appreciate the interest! I'm glad you liked it! Thing is if I were to say " Like a hurricane fading through the wind." it wouldn't really work because I was trying to show defeat and how I just got weaker and gave it so I was the hurricane that faded away into wind. Does that make sense? If I were to say what you had suggested then it wouldn't make a great deal of sense because no hurrican will fade through a breeze of wind but thank you for the suggestion!
     

    beauty. proletariat

    Banned
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    • Abnegation said:

    Abnegation


    Like a star shooting from the sky,
    Like a hurricane fading to a wind,
    Like a birds wings which refuse to fly,
    Like a devout christian who has sinned,
    I have reached my point of end.

    No more burdens for me now,
    No more for me, I will take my bow,
    Too much I had to take,
    Too much from all you fakes,
    I have reached my final revelation.

    You turned against me,
    You turned on one another,
    If you can't comprehend with being free,
    I don't know why I ever bothered,

    Don't believe you were popular, that was just your interpretation,
    No matter how our past is structured, I have reached my abnegation.


    ​
    Spoiler:
    Click to expand...

    I'm not an expert on poetry, but I have some knowledge, and I do have opinions.

    I love poetry but I dont really have a knowledge in it, but is this a sonnet? If so, you have two extra lines in it. Also, i feel that you should lengthen your lines and add iambs into it. I only see one or two high/rough sounding syllables in each of your lines save for the last one. Take for example Shakespeare's Sonnet 109 (Chose a random one so that I have no idea about its iambs or anything because im sick XD)

    Sonnet #109 said:
    Sonnet#109

    1. O! never say that I was false of heart,
    2. Though absence seemed my flame to qualify,
    3. As easy might I from my self depart
    4. As from my soul which in thy breast doth lie:

    1. That is my home of love: if I have ranged,
    2. Like him that travels, I return again;
    3. Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,
    4. So that myself bring water for my stain.

    1. Never believe though in my nature reigned,
    2. All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,
    3. That it could so preposterously be stained,
    4. To leave for nothing all thy sum of good;

    1. For nothing this wide universe I call,
    2. Save thou, my rose, in it thou art my all.
    Click to expand...

    You can see that it somewhat follows a pattern. e.g. Many of the first lines have four high iambs. First stanza, line three, two high iabms, second stanza, three iambs, third stanza, four iambs.

    I'm not too good with terminology in poetry, so I apologise for my confusing language. But if you dont understand feel free to PM me or if you want, I can reply to this thread again
    Second line, in second and third and fourth stanzas have two high iambs.

    Also, "Preposterously" is a HUGE word, but shakespeare uses it well especially due to it having high and low sounds in it. Interpretation and Abnegation could have had the high and low sounds used if you looked at it more closely.

    Again, I'm not really good at poetry, but I do have interest in it. I'm not sure what type of sonnet you are trying to make it into, but I have only ever read English sonnets so my advice may not work with the type of sonnet you are trying to write.

    I looked at iambs because otherwise, it is perfect. I doubt you are trying to write like shakespeare but if you are; then I will start by saying that your themes are somewhat messed up for 16th and 17th century poetry as it is generally about glorifying and criticism in poetry was not really used till much later (dates I an not sure of)
     

    abnegation

    10,673
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Dec 30, 2023
    Ralph! said:
    K so, I already told you that this poem is amazing. Seriously, this is possibly the best poem I've ever read.
    Click to expand...

    There's better out there. better structures more heart felt poetry but I'm glad you like my style Ein!

    JessicaH said:
    I agree with you, this is quite possibly the best poem I've read.

    Sorry I'm not much of a poetry person. :[
    Click to expand...

    Lol thanks Jess it still means a lot <3


    eccentric. reach said:


    I'm not an expert on poetry, but I have some knowledge, and I do have opinions.

    I love poetry but I dont really have a knowledge in it, but is this a sonnet? If so, you have two extra lines in it. Also, i feel that you should lengthen your lines and add iambs into it. I only see one or two high/rough sounding syllables in each of your lines save for the last one. Take for example Shakespeare's Sonnet 109 (Chose a random one so that I have no idea about its iambs or anything because im sick XD)
    [/LIST]

    You can see that it somewhat follows a pattern. e.g. Many of the first lines have four high iambs. First stanza, line three, two high iabms, second stanza, three iambs, third stanza, four iambs.

    I'm not too good with terminology in poetry, so I apologise for my confusing language. But if you dont understand feel free to PM me or if you want, I can reply to this thread again
    Second line, in second and third and fourth stanzas have two high iambs.

    Also, "Preposterously" is a HUGE word, but shakespeare uses it well especially due to it having high and low sounds in it. Interpretation and Abnegation could have had the high and low sounds used if you looked at it more closely.

    Again, I'm not really good at poetry, but I do have interest in it. I'm not sure what type of sonnet you are trying to make it into, but I have only ever read English sonnets so my advice may not work with the type of sonnet you are trying to write.

    I looked at iambs because otherwise, it is perfect. I doubt you are trying to write like shakespeare but if you are; then I will start by saying that your themes are somewhat messed up for 16th and 17th century poetry as it is generally about glorifying and criticism in poetry was not really used till much later (dates I an not sure of)
    Click to expand...


    Well you see if I was following his style of poetry I would take heed to your advice but I'm not You see, I have an odd style to poetry. I like to mix it up a little bit. So what I did is a modified Curse these are seldom used.
    Curse: Each odd line is a pronoun, ie. You, He, She, it, them. Each even line is a simile beginning with the same word that goes with the pronoun used in the odd lines. Minimum of 16 lines.
    So I appreciate your feedback but this poem is meant to be sharp and not so rule abiding!
    It's odd that I see others taking such interest in my poetry but thank you all the same! Keep it up! You know more about poetry than you appear to ;)
     
    Last edited:

    abnegation

    10,673
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Dec 30, 2023
    The warden said:
    Awesome poem, I don't have any advice to give but I think the rhyming pattern is fantastic.
    Click to expand...

    Thank you very much for reading! If you do write yourself I would be happy to have a peek!
    But as I say thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    (D: just noticed I spelt the thread title wrong, Astinus if you happen to view maybe you could rename it for me? xD)
     
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