Turnabout Valentine!

I thought I'd write a little crackfic something for my special someone, as Pearl would put it.

Basically, Murphy's Law meets Phoenix Wright while Maya takes Phoenix out on a "date". Everything goes wrong and hilarity ensues.


Phoenix was rather enjoying his dream, as he didn't dream often. He'd just won a case and he was celebrating. Confetti was getting thrown all over the place, his defendant profusely thanking him.

"Niiiick!"

Hang on, that wasn't right. Maya had no need to be annoyed, they'd just won!

"Niiiick! Wake up!"

Oh.

With a thump, Phoenix Wright, defence attorney, fell out of his bed and landed heavily on the wooden floor of his rather pathetic service apartment.

Drearily, he opened his eyes and looked right into the beaming face of his secretary, Maya Fey.

"Nick, you came to!" Maya had such an exaggerated way of putting things. "Do you know what day it is?"

"Thursday," Phoenix said groggily, "The...the fourteenth?"

"No, not that, silly! I mean, what special day is it?"

"Eh?" Then, he suddenly remembered. "Oh, it's the fourteenth. Valentine Day."

"Yep!" Maya's bounced up and down in excitement. "I can't wait to see if anyone proposes to me!"

Phoenix shook his head. "Well, whoever the lucky guy is, it won't be me. I'm going back to bed."

He dragged himself back onto his bed. He rolled around until he was comfortable and started to make pretend snoring noises.

"But Nick!" Maya pouted. "What about the office?"

"Closed on holidays."

Maya pulled a face and went out, slamming the door behind her. Through the hardly-sound-proof wall, Phoenix could hear Maya slamming herself down on the sofa and turning The Pink Princess on full volume.

He sighed. Maya, Maya, Maya. She had a hold on him, definitely. She had some sort of magical power, aside from the obvious ability as a medium, that made him do stuff.

He got up.

As he opened the door, he was blasted in the face by the full force of the loud theme music.

"Maya!" he tried to yell over the music. "Turn it down!"

She looked at him uncomprehendingly.

"Off!" he shouted, trying to mime turning the volume down.

Maya continued to stare at him.

Phoenix groaned and braved the fierce waves of sound to reach the TV remote and turn the sound down to a level which didn't deal heavy damage to his ears.

"What was that for?" Maya looked upset. "Just as it got to the best bit."

Phoenix sighed and shook his head. The minimal amount of gel still holding his hair together loosely snapped and a mop of hair fell all over his face. He sighed again.

"You, uh, make breakfast," Phoenix said, pushing the hair out of his eyes temporarily. "I have to fix myself up."

Maya nodded. "You know, Nick, I'm starting to feel less like a secretary and more like a maid."

Phoenix blushed and shook his head. "Whatever you say, Maya."

He went into the tiny, shabby toilet room they called the bathroom and sighed as he looked into the mirror Maya "accidentally" cracked. He needed more money. Maybe he could find some sort rich MP who'd done someone in and needed his help. Well, not actually killed someone, but looked like it.

He squeezed copious amounts of gel from a small bottle and started applying it to his hair. He needed more, it ran out too quickly. Maybe he should get one of those big 5L bottles. And they were cheaper, too.

When he was finally done, he tossed the wasted gel bottle into a waste basket and went out. Did he smell waffles?

"Hello, Phoenix." That wasn't Maya...

"A-aargh! Mia, you scared me!" Maya's deceased older sister stood in front of him, wearing oven mitts and holding a piece of bread.

"What are you doing?"

She handed Phoenix a hastily scribbled note.

hey, sis. could you make breakfast?

make me waffles

make nick a sammich

Phoenix groaned. "Why don't I get waffles? I like waffles."

Mia stared a him. "Didn't I tell you to tell Maya to not summon me for useless thing like breakfast? It's like I'm her slave!"

"Uh..." Phoenix said, trying to avoid Mia's rage. "I'm just going to go get a coffee from the cafe across the road."

"You should get a coffee machine if you want one."

"Can't afford it."

"Yet you can afford a $6.50 coffee every morning."

When Phoenix reached the door, he quickly slammed it behind him and and whistled loudly as he jauntily hopped down the two flights of stairs to the lobby and out the door into the hellishly cold autumn day. He shivered and took a few steps back. It wasn't normally this cold, was it?

He ventured out of the air-conditioned room (how come our apartments don't get that?) and quickly dashed across the small street into the warm cafe opposite. He quickly bought the cheapest coffee and pulled a face as he sipped on the burning liquid. At least it warmed him up.

By the time he got back into the flat, Maya was back, angrily poking at a waffle with her fork.

"This is undercooked, Nick," she complained as he walked in.

"Well, next time you should try doing it yourself."

Maya pulled a face and stuffed three waffles into her mouth at once. Phoenix could only gape as she added another.

"Wohm?" she asked as she struggled to swallow such a large load of food.

Phoenix sat down beside her and took a bite of his toast. As he ate, he wondered what he'd be doing on such a boring day. Everyone would be with their girlfriend or boyfriend, giving flowers and eating chocolate.

"Nick!" Phoenix was snapped out of his thoughts by Maya's sudden outburst. "I've got it! Let's go on a date!"

"Whaaat?!" Phoenix slammed his paper cup onto the table, wincing as some of the molten liquid spilt onto his hand.

"Oh, except it won't really be a date, it'll just be us going as friends to eat some food and not look alone."

Phoenix tugged at his hair thoughtfully.

"Please?" Maya put on her cutest smile and begged. "Pwetty pwease with a T-bone steak on top?"

Phoenix sighed. "Alright then."

"Yay!" Maya ran forward and gave Phoenix a bear hug. "You're the best, Nick!"

"Mystic Maya! Mr. Nick!" Maya's cousin, Pearl, bounded in from her room. She gasped as she saw Maya hugging Phoenix. "Aaaaah! Mystic Maya a-and Mr. Nick..."

"He-hey!" Phoenix quickly shoved Maya off. "It's not like that! I just agreed to go on a date with May--"

"A date!" Peal nearly fainted. "On this very special day, too!"

"Pearly!"

"Don't worry, Mystic Maya, I'll stay here while you two have your special time together."

"You can't stay here alone! We need someone to look after you!"

Phoenix pulled a face. "I'll call Larry. He'll do the babysitting."

"Babysitting! I'm not a baby!" Pearl pouted.

"Pearly, it doesn't mean you're a baby, it's just a saying meaning to look after little kids," Maya explained.

"Oh," Pearl said. "Baby-sitting. I'll remember!"

Phoenix picked up his mobile phone from the table and quickly speed-dialled Larry Butz.

"Yullo, Ludlow von Karma, professional artist, speaking."

"Von Karma? Wasn't it Laurice Deauxnim?"

"Nick! How could you be so harsh? Laurice Deauxnim is a thing of the past! There's no need to dredge up old memories! It hurts! And anyway, Franny bought that painting!"

That was probably so that you wouldn't show it to anyone, Phoenix thought. Instead, he simply said: "Huh. Here's a tip: Don't sell paintings to people called Mr. Butthead"

"Huh? I don't get it..."

"Well, Larry, can you come babysit Pearls for Maya and I? We're..."

"Going on a date! You player, Nick."

"I-it's not a real date." Phoenix felt quite lucky that Larry was unable to see his blush.

"That's what they all say. So you need me to look after Pearl?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, I'll be right there."


"Alright, got it. Look after Pearly, lunch is in the fridge, drinks are in the fridge and no baked potatoes."

"Pretty much."

Phoenix straightened out his tie and flattened his hair. He picked up his attorney's badge and pinned it onto his suit.

"Come on, Nick, are you ready yet?" Maya asked impatiently.

"Yeah, I think I'm done now."

The two of them went out the door and closed it behind them, locking it from the outside.

Larry and Pearly looked at each other.

"What's going on?" Larry looked rather confused.

"Mr. Nick and Mystic Maya are going out on a date...how romantic!" Pearl swooned.

"You know," Larry said. "Nick might go goofing off on his date."

Pearl looked horrified. "We must stop any sort of thing!"

Larry nodded, a mischievous grin forming on his face. "Let's follow them!"


Phoenix shivered. It was cold, very, very cold. How could Maya stand this kind of cold?

As if reading his mind (Maybe she does read my mind), Maya replied: "I've spent an hour standing under a below-freezing waterfall. Nothing's cold anymore. You should try it, Nick!"

Phoenix shook his head vehemently. "No thanks, I'll stick to being normal."

Maya sighed. "Whatever you say, Nick."

They walked in silence for a few minutes, huddled together, when Phoenix realised something.

"Uh, Maya, where are we going?"

"Oh, this great burger joint I know. It's called...wait for it...The Burger Place."

"Sounds...fun? Valentine's Day at a burger joint."

"It's not just a burger joint, Nick, it's The Burger Place!"

Phoenix shook his head sadly. "It's not the prefix that's important, it's the "burger" part. Nobody wants to spend Valentine's Day at a burger place with their secretary."

Maya sighed, but then she seemed to be something in the distance. "Hey...is that...Mr. Delite?"

"What?"

Phoenix looked up. A few metres away from them were the Delites. Phoenix had aquitted Ron of a charge of murder in The Mask deMasque case.

"Oh, it's you!" Ron waved.

"Hello, Mr. Lawyer." Desiree Delite's drawling voice was rather...nice. Phoenix felt sleepy.

From behind an overhanging apple tree, Pearl and Larry looked on in horror.

"It's her! The married woman! And Mr. Nick is consorting with her!"

"The scoundrel!" Larry agreed vehemently.

"You have to do something!"

"Me?" Larry was taken aback. Quickly thinking, he grabbed a large stone from beside him ("Not that big!") and threw it. It hit an apple hanging from the tree, knocking it off to fall onto Phoenix's head.

"OW!" Phoenix rubbed his head where he'd been hit. The apple had created an indent in his hair. "This apple tree doesn't like me," he cried.

Desiree Delite nodded. "I think we must get going, Ronnie!"

Her husband obediently followed as they left.

Phoenix looked suspiciously up at the tree as Larry and Pearl excitedly gave each other a high five from behind it.


"Here it is, Nick! The Burger Place."

Maya and Phoenix were standing outside a small building, wedged in between two apartment towers. Bright neon lights flashed the words: "The Burger Place". The smell of sizzling beef wafted from the building.

"Do you smell that, Nick? It's the smell of pure heaven!"

Phoenix looked apprehensive. "I don't know..."

"Oh come on, Nick! Why so serious?"

Maya grabbed Phoenix's hand and pushed open the door in one swift movement, pulling him inside the stuffy building.

"Oh, Maya!" One of the waitresses obviously seemed to recognise Maya. "You've brought a special someone!"

Maya blushed. "It's nothing like that! He's only a placeholder."

"Should I feel hurt?"

"Oh, Nick...Could you go order something? I'll take the Big Daddy Burger Deluxe."

Phoenix nodded and made his way to the counter.

Meanwhile, one Larry Butz and one Pearl Fey were making their way through the back door of the restaurane t into the kitchen and donned aprons. Larry began messing around with ingredients while Pearl, standing on the tips of her toes, tried to watch what Phoenix and Maya were doing from behind the counter. She quickly ducked as Phoenix came up the counter.

"Welcome to The Burger Place," the girl at the counter began boredly. "Oh!" she registered surprise on her face. "You're that lawyer! Phoenix...Phoenix Trite, wasn't it?"

"Wright! I mean--"

"I knew it! Mr. Trite, what would you like?"

"No, my...oh, never mind. Uh, one of those big daddy burger things and a...a Bacon and Cheese Stinker." Phoenix's eyes rested on the decision he'd made, hoping the glossy photograph of the burger was what it actually looked like.

After calling out the orders, she rested her chin against her hands and leant forward against the counter. "So, Mr. Trite. Going to try and chat me up?"

Phoenix turned bright red. "W-why-why would you th-think I'd do a-a thing like that?"

Pearl looked horrified and whispered madly at Larry, who came crawling over.

"Look!" he said excitedly, brandishing a rather dangerous-looking burger. "I call it the Super Karma Burger…Deluxe 2000."

Pearl beckoned furiously to the conversation going on above. Phoenix was attempting to tell a joke.

"Why am I a lawyer?"

The girl at the counter rolled her eyes. "Why?"

"Because I'm always Wright! Haha, get it?"

"No. Isn't your name Trite?"

"Eh? No! My name's Wright! Phoenix Wright, ace attorney!"

Pearl grabbed Larry's creation and flipped it over the counter.

It spun in a counterclockwise motion, gaining speed as it fell until it eventually landed on Phoenix's head, splattering chilli sauce, ketchup and mayonaise all over the counter.

The girl giggled and pulled out a few tissues. "Need these?"

Phoenix groaned as he pulled lettuce out of his now multicoloured hair. "Why does the world hate me today...?"

He took the tissues, wiped the sauce out of his eyes and walked over to a table where Maya was beckoning.

"What happened to you?"

"Uh..." Phoenix tried to explain. "There was an accident involving a burger and my head."

"Oooooh. Sounds bad."

In all honesty, Phoenix didn't think Maya thought it was particularly bad. In fact, he had an odd feeling she wouldn't mind licking the sauce off his face and out of his clothes.

He shuddered at the thought and closed his eyes determinedly.

"Nick, wait here for the waitress to come round, I'm going to go to the bathroom."

Phoenix nodded and Maya bounded off to the rear of the restaurant as Phoenix slumped down onto the table and wiped sauce off his face.

"Sorry, miss, you're not allowed to bring weapons inside!" The call of one of the door guards alerted Phoenix to sudden danger and his ears pricked for further sounds.

Oh no. Was that the ominously foreshadowing sound of a whip cracking?

Franziska von Karma cracked her whip against the floor. "I decide whether I'm allowed to bring weapons in!"

"Y-yes, ma'am!" The guard backed away.

Phoenix quickly ducked under his table as a waiter passed by, taking his soiled napkin.

"Mr. Phoenix Wright!"

Uh oh.

A whip snapped across the table and Phoenix cursed. She found me.

"Get out of there immediately!"

I'm not here. I'm not here.

"Now!"

Oh. Phoenix slowly pulled himself up and into the glare of Franziska von Karma, whip in hand.

"Yes?"

"Is anyone sitting here?"

Phoenix was rather taken aback at this question. "Well, Maya was, but sort of isn't anymore. She'll be back th--"

"She can take her seat once she is back." Von Karma sat down, putting her whip on the table. Phoenix breathed a sigh of relief.

"So, uhm, what are you doing here?"

"You have no need to know, Phoenix Wright!"

Phoenix sighed as the waiter walked past again. Was there something familiar about him? No...Larry was babysitting Pearl.

Wasn't he?

Of course he was!

In actuality, he wasn't. He was right behind Phoenix, staring as if in a trance at Franziska, with Pearl furiously tugging at his sleeve.

"Mr. Harry! Mr. Nick is trying to consort with the evil lady!"

There was no reply from Larry.

Sighing in exasperation, Pearl grabbed the ball of soggy napkins from his hand and threw it at Phoenix, just as Franziska turned to look at the door.

Phoenix tilted his head to look over Franziska's shoulder and the ball of sauce flew past, smacking instead into the back of Franziska's head.

"Uh oh," Phoenix whispered.

"What's this?!" Franziska picked up the ball of napkin with disgust and threw it onto the table.

"Uhm, ah--" Phoenix began. He was given no time to finish.

"You foolish fool! Foolishly throwing foolish balls of paper at me while my back is turned!"

Three heavy smacking sounds rang through the restaurant and everyone turned to look at Phoenix curled up in a ball on the seat and Franziska's standing, fuming, beside him.

With a final crack of her whip, she walked out.

Larry murmured under his breath,"That's beauty..." as Pearl tried to conceal a giggle by coughing.

Phoenix didn't unroll himself for a very long time. Well, what felt like a very long time. In truth, it was probably less than a minute.

Eventually, though, he poked his head out, and saw none other than Maggey Byrde walking towards him, carrying a tray of drinks.

"Mr. Wright!"

She saluted him with one hand, precariously holding the tray with the other. She walked closer, and it became clear to Phoenix that she was holding his order.

Phoenix noted with horror that there was a puddle of sauce on the linoleum floor in front of Maggey. He hoped that she wouldn't slip.

She did.

The two burgers bounced along the table and onto the floor The drinks, however, did no such thing. They spilled all over Phoenix, drenching him from head to toe in a combination of orange juice and soda. He groaned and ran his hands through his hair, resting them on the wet table. Life didn't like him today. Well, it never liked him, but it hated him particularly badly today. What had he done?

"Oh my gosh!" Maggey Byrde screeched as she picked up the cups and burgers, placing them on the little dry space remaining on the table. "I'm so sorry!"

She pulled a napkin out of her rather skimpy waitress attire and began attempting to mop up the mess on the ground and on Phoenix.

"Oh no!" Larry cried to himself from the other end of the restaurant, describing what he saw. "She's going for the groin!"

He dashed across to where Maggey was attempting to dry Phoenix with a napkin and quickly pushed her away.

"There's no time for you to be entertaining customers," he said in his most serious fake-voice. "Get the next order."

Maggey was pushed off towards the kitchen, leaving Phoenix to feel sorry for himself, covered in orange juice, his hair sticky with tomato sauce. Yep, life was hating him particularly today.

"Wright!"

He looked up. The imposing figure of Miles Edgeworth loomed down on him.

"What are you doing covered in...juice and sauce?"

"What are you doing covered in...fluffy stuff in a burger joint?" Phoenix retorted.

Edgeworth glared at him. "My business is my own."

"So is mine, unless you think my business is yours, for whatever reason."

Edgeworth's wooden face showed emotion; surprise and incredulity. "Me, think your business is mine? I'd rather not, Wright."

There was a thump from an old-style jukebox on the wall near Phoenix. Phoenix looked worriedly at it.

Inside, Larry and Pearl were peeking out a hole Larry had poked at Phoenix and Edgeworth's conversation.

"He is-," Larry said slowly. "He isn't gay, is he?"

"What's 'ga-yee'?" Pearl looked confused.

"Uh, you see, it's when two guys..." Larry found himself unable to explain. It was probably for the best, he decided.

He stuck his eye up to the hole and looked out at Phoenix. He was gesticulating sadly with his hands, and Edgeworth was looking on in confusion.

"Well," Larry said. "I'm beginning to enjoy this. Let's snap him out of it."

He pulled a casette from the display box and, poking his head out, aimed it at the back of Phoenix's head.

He hit his mark.

"Ow!" Phoenix rubbed his mayonaise-stained head. "Everything seems to hate me today."

Edgeworth nodded. "Franziska told me you were acting rather...rude earlier."

"That wasn't me!" Phoenix tried to explain, but words left him. "I'm – I'm just on a date with Maya, for lack of a better word, and everything bad that could possibly happen is! I mean, apples are dropping on my head, burgers are flying into my face, people are spilling drinks on me and a jukebox is throwing stuff at me!"

"Ah, I see. I think, then, that I should leave you to your 'date'."

Phoenix nodded and Edgeworth turned to leave.

Hold up... Was that... a hint of disappointment? Or was Phoenix mistaken?

"Hey, if you want Maya, she's all yours."

Edgeworth shook his head and continued walking.

Man, Phoenix thought. Isn't this just the worst date ever?


Eventually, Maya got back ("I was only gone about ten minutes!") and the two ate. Maya was chattering on about anything she could think of, completely oblivious to Phoenix's plight.

Phoenix sighed again and placed his half-finished Bacon and Cheese Stinker on the table. It really did stink. He didn't have the appetite. Maya, however, did. She was munching away at her third burger and didn't show any signs of stopping.

"Maya, could you stop eating? We really don't have that much money."

Maya looked hurt. "Oh, alright Nick. But do you want me to finish that, at least, for you?"

Phoenix nodded in resignation. Maya grabbed the remains of his burger and stuffed the whole thing into her mouth at once and downed it with the remainder of her orange juice.

Phoenix buried his head in his hands. This was definitely the worst Valentine's Day in history.

"Come on, now, Nick! That wasn't that bad, was it?"

---

How was it? =D