[Pokémon] The Origins - A Collection of Short Stories

It wasn't a world of shadows, nor one of light. It was merely a world of the betwixt and between, a never ending war between time and space. Nothing existed, and it seemed that no life ever could, as there was no chance of survival. Many times, half-creatures where created but faded away quickly into the nonexistence of the universe. The faded souls of these creatures lived on, however, until they finally clustered together to form an awesome monster, an angel and a demon, a spirit guardian that was neither alive nor dead.

In a world without time or space, millenia passed forwards and backwards, reversing and speeding up the growth of the monster. It was either a very long or short time that passed before the creature finally took its first breath. It was still not whole.

Still, the monster grew, slowly taking form and quickly growing smaller. It almost became a true being many times, but as its form changed, it would sink into nonexistence. It often failed to breathe, and as a result, its form would wither and die, and it would return to light and shadow as a new, stronger form took shape. The souls of the many other failed lifeforms still huddled together, until finally, it was alive.

Its structure was wavy, and it was easily moulded by the pure existence of its surroundings, and it was unable to save any thoughtsor emotions. Once it had become alive, it began to die, but without being whole, the monster would always survive, even if it became no more than a microscopic spec of mass and energy. It lived on, growing more powerful constantly.

Finally, after many long and short years and lightyears, the creature was formed. It was still blurry, like a phantom hiding within the shadows, but equally as powerful as a monster. It was fashioned roughly, and looked as if it had been carved with a blunt knife out of the universe. It was small, but in comparison to nothing, it was massive. It was sealed in a hard protective shell, a prototype egg object that shielded the monster from all things on the exterior, which may have been nothing or everything, as anything void of something is merely the opposite of the original. As the creature grew more massive and awesome, it began to break free of its protective bonds, and it was fully born.

Its skin was clear, and showed the fluctuating light patterns through its flesh, creating an ultimate camouflage ruined only by the facial features. It had two small eyes, a vividly bright green with blood-red pupils to see with. The rest of its face was obscured by a cloud of shadow, like a mask made of pure darkness. It moved gently through the antimatter, its transparent legs swishing through the void, propelling it forwards. It still grew as it aged, and its growth brought power.

Slowly, yet altogether rather quickly, the monster grew tired of merely existing in a world of nonexistence. No sooner had the thought passed through its mind than a very faint object appeared in front of it. The creature drew close to the item, and with the very slightest touch, it began to darken, taking the form of a protective sphere, very much like the one that had fashioned around the monster at its creation. It became a cloud of darkness, swirling with power and hypnotizing the creature. Finally the monster approached the egg once more, and it burst apart in a dazzling array of light and shadow. Three larger objects began to take shape around the creature, who stayed by the objects for all the length of their creation, until they finally began to break apart.

From the first egg, a grand serpentine monster appeared, with wings made of the same dark material as its egg. It had large red claws on each of the wings, which began to divide into several bony appendages. It sprouted short, golden talons from all of the different segments of its reptilian body. Its face was mostly covered in a bright gold mask, with two thin slits for its black eyes with scarlet pupils.

From the second egg, a bulky, dirty white monster with veins filled with a dark pink substance. It had a long neck, which stuck a small head out quite a bit from the body, and was followed by two large, but seemingly flightless wings protruding from the rear of its neck. Each of its two arms had a shining pink orb sunk in, and short hands that ended in five razor-sharp claws. It had two heavy legs with deadly talons and a long, curling tail.

From the third and final egg burst a brilliantly sea blue quadrupedal dragon that was partially armored by thick, silver plates. It had a tall, long neck that ended in a long, spear-shaped head. It had metallic horns above its eyes, across the base of its neck, and a row of spikes lined on the back of its spine. Each of its four feet was covered in hard, sharp claws that rose up to the sky blue veins that wrapped around the monster. Sunken into its large chest plate was a bright blue hexagonal jewel.

The original monster stared at the three new creatures in awe. Slowly, it realized that it had created them with its own powers, and upon realizing this, it stared blankly around in the world that the four monsters shared. It was then that it devised the most important system it could ever create.

"Ar...ce...us" it spoke slowly, forcing the harsh sounds to emerge from its throat. The shadow creature lifted its head at the monster, and emitted a sound in much the same way.

"Gi...ra...ti...na…" it sounded, and the voice echoed in the endless nothingness.

Originally, the being that had spoken "Arceus" was trying to communicate the existence of life. The "Giratina" monster was attempting to convey a response, specifically, ghost, in saying that it was partially a ghost, and thus, not fully alive.

"Di...al...ga…." roared the third monster, the quadrupedal, more loudly than the others. Its message was received as its name as well, despite its attempt to speak of deciphering the time of the distorted world.

"Pal...ki...a…?" spoke the fourth and final creature, as a question, unlike the others. It was trying to ask the "Arceus" monster, who was its creator, and was assumed as the wisest, what was this space.

The four monsters lived in an almost dream state of confusion and wonder. Each slowly helped to create the communication system, as well as discovering their own special abilities. Giratina, as the serpentine dragon had been officially named because of its first speech, gained an odd ability to travel through the light and darkness to other places, other worlds. Its form varied each time it found or created a new dimension, becoming warped differently for each world.

Palkia discovered its incredible ability to create matter from the nothingness, and with the help of Dialga, began to shape a whole new world in one of Giratina's own dimensions. Dialga would use its powers to control time to make time pass through Palkia's world.

Arceus watched all of this, thinking in wonder and amazement at how his own creations had shaped a world that was inhabitable without the fluctuating life patterns of the antimatter world. It found that when traveling through the new world, different things, elements, changed its form and powers. It began to grow a mystical armor that encircled it's back, a complicated figure of various elemental materials. It was able to produce and control fire, water, earth, and air, and slowly created new forces that helped shape the world into a hospitable environment.

For a long time, which could now be measured thanks to Dialga, each of the four monsters lived harmoniously, sharing the world of their creation peacefully. Arceus had created fifteen new elements which now shrouded the world in hope and happiness. Of course, as was inevitable, the four monsters quarreled now and then, but Arceus would manage to calm them down each time. The creatures had created a paradise, and it seemed that nothing could ever ruin the life they had created for themselves.

Tomandgreen said:

SERIOUSLY???? MY FANFIC HAS THE EXACT SAME TITLE!!! WTF!! CHAGE THE TITLE NOW DUDE!!! FAIL!!!!!!!!!!

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You know what's a lot more fail? Flipping your crap after only reading a title.

Seriously, you didn't think two fics might just have the exact same title, just as there's movies, TV shows, books, and so forth that may share the same name as well? I mean, not to harp on either of you, but this particular one isn't exactly the most creative title ever anyway. I'm not entirely surprised to see another fic called Origins. Not to mention it's far from plagiarism: this fic has absolutely nothing to do with yours. :|

Calm a llama down, kiddo. No one cares.

That being said, how about a real review, MayanMan?

MayanMan2012 said:

It wasn't a world of shadows, nor one of light.

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Oddly enough, you actually don't need a comma in this sentence. The reason why is because these aren't two complete thoughts; it's one. Notice how replacing the comma and "nor" with a period just results in one sentence and one fragment? You only need a comma before "nor" if it's a compound sentence, so try that period trick whenever you lay down a comma. It'll help. Trust me on that.

It was merely a world of the betwixt and between, a never ending war between time and space.

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More nitpicks: "never-ending" should be hyphenated because it's serving as a single adjective.

Also, "betwixt" and "between" mean exactly the same thing, so I'd choose one or the other. I feel a little uncomfortable, honestly, with seeing the word "betwixt" here because it's actually a little more archaic. If you use a lot of archaic words throughout this chapter, then it might be a bit buyable, but it tends to lend a pretentious air to your work. So, it's actually something you'll want to be careful about because some readers might be a bit turned off by the tone of your narration.

Many times, half-creatures where created

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Were created. Where is a place; were is a verb. It might be easier to remember if you keep in mind that "where" is just "here" with an extra letter.

It often failed to breathe, and as a result, its form would wither and die, and it would return to light and shadow as a new, stronger form took shape.

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This is actually a run-on. Notice how you have three different instances of the comma-and combination? That indicates that you're going into a new independent thought -- a signal for a compound sentence. So, you'll need to chop this up a bit.

You do this again a few other times, so all I can say is try the period test I mentioned earlier whenever you insert a comma and a conjunction (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so). If you get two separate, complete sentences as a result, that's your signal that you're dealing with an independent clause. You can't have more than two per sentence, so if you've got a third coming up, punctuate it appropriately (i.e., end the sentence and start a new one). If you don't have an independent clause on your hands, then you may not need the comma.

any thoughtsor emotions.

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Be very careful with the proofreading process. My suggestion would be to read your work aloud. That might help you catch odd mistakes like "thoughtsor." I would also suggest writing in a word processor with spell check as you type turned on. That will produce red squiggles under each misspelled word, which in turn will make things like this a little more visible to you.

Once it had become alive, it began to die, but without being whole, the monster would always survive, even if it became no more than a microscopic spec of mass and energy. It lived on, growing more powerful constantly.

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One thing I've noticed about this piece so far is that while it's poetic, it's basically saying the same thing over and over again. This being is gathering its strength to live. This being is alive. This being is dying. This being is fading into nothingness. This being is gathering its strength to live. Repeat ad infinitum. One thing you'll want to remember is that while your audience can appreciate an attractive snapshot of life and death and all the depths of that message, repeating things over and over again (even in different words) may just turn a reader away from your work because it feels like the piece isn't going anywhere. Right now, we're in the third paragraph, and it pretty much says the exact same thing as the second and half of the first. It's possible that there could be a way to condense everything into one paragraph that details the birth and struggle of this beast in a few sentences. Otherwise, it just feels like you're doing this cycle just for the sake of making it look pretty.

and lightyears,

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You know that lightyears is a measure of distance, right?

"Ar...ce...us" it spoke slowly,

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Remember that when punctuating dialogue, you need to have a mark at the end of a quote. Otherwise, it's akin to failing to punctuate the end of a sentence. In this case, because this is a statement, you'll need a comma after "us."

that encircled it's back,

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Remember that "it's" is a contraction for "it is" and that "its" is a possessive pronoun. You use the correct word elsewhere in the fic, so I'm just going to assume you already know this and hit a typo.

Arceus had created fifteen new elements which now shrouded the world in hope and happiness.

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This sort of puzzles me. If you're talking about Pokémon types, there's seventeen in total, not fifteen. Granted, the first games had only fifteen, and Steel and Dark were newly discovered in Gen II. On the other hand, I think that "newly discovered" bit was retconned in Gen III and IV, and anyway, considering both of the "new" types are naturally-occurring, Arceus would have created them anyway. (I mean, that's like saying Pokémon like Sneasel never existed, if that makes sense.)

Nitpicks aside, while it was pretty, rather flowery, and had the air of a legend, I just couldn't get into it, really. A lot of the story hinged on showing instead of telling. For example, rather than describing the new world unfurling under the claws of Dialga and Palkia, you just say they created one. (This is a bit uncomfortable in itself because one would think the creation of the world is a pretty big thing.) Moreover, rather than simply have Arceus and so forth speak in an understandable language (especially Arceus, who can speak according to anime canon) or otherwise give off some sign that that they're talking about life, death, time, and space, you just tell us what they're talking about. You don't really show us Dialga using its powers or Giratina's form fluidly sliding into another. It's just told to us. While I do have to say that it's okay for a creation myth to have some telling instead of showing, relying on it to say things like "AND THEN THERE WAS A WORLD" tends to be a turn-off because we can't really visualize what's going on. As in, if you don't describe looks (which I'll get into in a second), that's okay, but actions, you really need to detail. Paint us an image of Arceus springing forth majestically from its egg. Show us time and space quivering around Palkia and Dialga. Make us visualize what's going on to help us think about your myth.

Then, there's the descriptions. You tend to spend paragraphs describing Palkia, Dialga, Giratina, and Arceus, who are oddly the most detailed elements of this story. (Even the paradise at the end isn't described with as much detail.) This feels a bit jarring because you're stopping the narration to tell us what these Pokémon look like, rather than continue onward with what's going on. Now, if you're going for a more mythological feel, there's one thing you should note: no myth goes into detail about what its characters look like. Think about it. When Athena springs forth from Zeus's thigh, we don't know what she looks like besides the fact that she's in full armor (which is rather important to emphasize her domain). In the Judeo-Christian scriptures, we don't know what Adam and Eve actually looked like besides the fact that they were originally naked and made to look like God. We don't even know what God looks like. Part of this is because the figures aren't really supposed to have known looks. First of all, how they look isn't important in the story compared to what they do. Second, if we don't know what Adam and Eve look like, we can just as easily say, "Adam looks just like me! Clearly, he's one of my people, so I can identify with him."

And then, there's the repetition at the beginning, so...

The short of it is that while this looks like it has potential, I just couldn't get into it all that much. I felt like I was just reading descriptions, rather than an actual creation myth. Sorry. I'm sure if you sat down and tried to convey on paper what actions you're imagining more than what colors and shapes you're seeing, you can point yourself in the right direction. Good luck!

Well, firstly, I'm not sure I understand your "period trick." It seems that you're saying using a conjunction was wrong when it would have been a fragment without it?

Also, the "where" thing was just a mistake, I know the difference.

Also, lightyears, I know it's distance. I put that it because this is a world without time, so it is both time and space, meaning the opposite. I wasn't explaining a long time period, as there is no time.

Also, the elements, I have not delved into that part of the story. It is not merely the 15 types from red / blue, it will be further explained later. I left that part out, as I was trying to save it for when it would be of great importance.

I am not trying to write a creation myth, so it's not going to feel like mythology. I am attempting to write it as a real story, not legends. This is my writing style for this particular genre of book.

The its, yes, I do know.

For arceus, I had intended to do the same thing I had done with palkia and giratina, but merely forgot. While he does learn to talk, I am not basing this off of the anime, so it will not be too similar.

Plus, I am not so lazy I would not have spell check on...:D. I'm not saying it is not my fault there are spelling mistakes, but I am saying I don't intend to read anything aloud. I share a room with my less-than-friendly brother, and I don't wish for him to know of my writings.

Lastly, I used "betwixt and between" because it is a very common saying. I don't know if it is wherever you are, but here in New Zealand it is general vocabulary.

I appreciate the review, and also, Tomandgreen, I did not base my title off of your fic, obviously.

~MayanMan

MayanMan2012 said:

Well, firstly, I'm not sure I understand your "period trick." It seems that you're saying using a conjunction was wrong when it would have been a fragment without it?

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No, actually, I'm saying using the comma was wrong. The period trick works like this: a compound sentence is a structure composed of two independent clauses (meaning, two complete thoughts that can stand on their own as two sentences if you really wanted to do so). Hence the comma-period swap. If you swap a comma with a period and get two complete sentences as a result, you have a compound. If you don't, then one of them is a fragment, and the comma is most likely not needed. You know to use the period test to begin with when you put down a comma and conjunction combination: the conjunction signals that you're trying to create a compound sentence, not a fragment/dependent clause attached to an independent one.

Also, lightyears, I know it's distance. I put that it because this is a world without time, so it is both time and space, meaning the opposite. I wasn't explaining a long time period, as there is no time.

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In that case, it doesn't quite make sense that you're attempting to explain an absence of time by using terms from space which is not in fact its direct opposite but something that instead coexists with it. It's a lot like saying you want to describe a tree by instead describing air, basically.

If you want to describe the absence of time, the best thing to do is simply describe the absence of time. As in, if time is irrelevant, don't describe time at all. I mean, if time doesn't exist as a concept, then what does it matter that millenia passed forwards or backwards as the creature grew? Clearly, millenia couldn't have passed because millenia don't exist to begin with. In other words, at that point, you're actually describing a lack of time with time, which is pretty much a complete contradiction and not in the way you probably intended.

I am not trying to write a creation myth, so it's not going to feel like mythology. I am attempting to write it as a real story, not legends. This is my writing style for this particular genre of book.

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In that case, the point about showing instead of telling is especially important because whereas myths have a tendency to tell instead of show, any other type of writing goes out of its way to describe to a reader exactly what's going on. Think of it this way. We're not you, so we don't know what's happening at any given point. That's why we need you to be as detailed with the action as possible. You can't just cop out (at the risk of being overly blunt) and say that Palkia created space or that Giratina is shifting from one form to another. That causes your writing to feel rushed, and that leaves us with very little to imagine. As a result, it causes your work to feel incomplete.

Plus, I am not so lazy I would not have spell check on...:D.

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You know it takes about a minute to turn on spell check as you type, and that's an easier alternative to finding all your typos by yourself, right? :/

but I am saying I don't intend to read anything aloud.

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And that's fine because it was just a suggestion for helping you to improve your ability to proofread. Alternatively, you could seek out a beta reader, but either way, the proofreading stage is particularly important. Working out the kinks of your writing before you post it (which includes correcting mistakes you know would be mistakes -- like "where" instead of "were" and "it's" instead of "its") will allow your readers to focus more on your story and less on the little details.

Lastly, I used "betwixt and between" because it is a very common saying. I don't know if it is wherever you are, but here in New Zealand it is general vocabulary.

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It's not at all common where I'm from. That's actually one of the many reasons why you should avoid using idioms and slang terms whenever possible. Where I'm from (the States), it just reads as being both redundant and partially archaic, and although I've been online for years, it's apparently not so common that I would've come across it enough to remember that it is an idiom in another country. So, using idioms from your own region for fiction you plan on putting in front of an international audience really just has a higher risk of tripping someone up because not everyone is familiar with the kinds of phrases you probably think are normal.

I know what spell check is. I had it on, and I did not say I didn't, I said I "wasn't so lazy that I would NOT have it on."

Also, the betwixt and between, I didn't know it wasn't a normal saying everywhere, so I didn't think it would trip anyone up.

As for the millennia, I was saying that it could of been millennia or backwards millennia, because writing from a modern viewpoint, I find it better to add in confusion rather than describe exactly how it was, in a way of showing no one knows how it was.

I think I get the period trick now, though I was just trying to add a pause, mostly (Like I did just there). It wasn't because I was attempting to make a compound sentence.

Devil's Apprentice

MayanMan2012 said:

I know what spell check is. I had it on, and I did not say I didn't, I said I "wasn't so lazy that I would NOT have it on."

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If you had it on, things like "thoughtsor" should have been pointed out to you before you posted. :/ Not saying that I don't believe you when you say you had it on. Just saying that if you had it on, then why didn't you take its suggestions?

As for the millennia, I was saying that it could of been millennia or backwards millennia, because writing from a modern viewpoint, I find it better to add in confusion rather than describe exactly how it was, in a way of showing no one knows how it was.

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Except I brought up the part about millenia as an example, and it still doesn't address the fact that you're not so much adding confusion as you are describing things in ways that don't conjure the connotations you're intending. In other words, I can tell you were trying to add confusion, but you were doing it by describing something other than what you actually had in mind. It doesn't make sense to describe a lack of time by saying there was time. If time didn't exist, there wouldn't be any concept of millenia at all, so it would be a rather moot point to think of it as either millenia forwards or millenia backwards.

Think of it this way. Imagine that the color red doesn't exist. There is absolutely no shade of red anywhere in the world. No blood-reds, no crimsons, no rose-reds, nothing. To describe timelessness by using time-related words is a lot like attempting to describe a shirt as pink when there's not supposed to be red in that world. You might think it's not the same thing, but when you get right down to it, pink is still a variation of red. In the same way, millenia is still a variation of time, so you're saying there is time when there's not supposed to be time at all. That isn't inducing an element of confusion; it's inducing an element of inconsistency, which is not the same thing.

I think I get the period trick now, though I was just trying to add a pause, mostly (Like I did just there). It wasn't because I was attempting to make a compound sentence.

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In that case, you're misusing the comma. Don't misuse marks of punctuation for artistic flair. Think of it like this. Your story is a road, and everything that the readers perceive as an error is a pothole. One or two potholes are easily ignored, but the more you do it for no reason that they can discern, the harder it is to focus on the scenery around the road instead of the potholes.

So, even if it's minor, you'll still need to follow the basics of grammar and spelling because it's harder for a reader to focus on your story if you don't. After all, your readers aren't you, so they'll naturally be going on what they know about the way language works. Commas don't necessarily signal pauses. They change the way a sentence is read. For example, in this case, the pause is too significant, and as a result you imply that you're trying to form a complete thought after the comma but don't quite get there. That causes the sentence to read awkwardly, which in turn breaks the flow of the narration.

Not to mention you don't even need a pause between "shadows" and "nor." If anything, because the sentence wants the reader to consider the fact that the world lacks both extremes at the same time, you'll want one concept to flow into another smoothly.

This is why reading aloud (even at a mumble) is actually a good idea: because you can hear how your story will be read by a reader. That way, you can spot areas where things would actually end up being rather awkward a little more easily. However, if you absolutely don't have that option, I'd still suggest finding and working with a beta reader. Beta readers will be able to give you an objective opinion of how your story looks before you submit it, so they'll be able to tell you from a true audience's perspective whether or not your narration looks awkward.