You Don't See Him For What He Truly Is (Dedicated To Satoshi)

Snivi

Snivi

..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸. ஐ
    • 20,088
    Posts
    21
    Years
    You Don't See Him For What He Truly Is

    You tell him he will always fail
    Yet he holds his dreams in his heart so well
    You hold his past against him persistently
    Yet he gets better and someday you will see
    You call him a moron, a fool, and an idiot, it never ends
    Yet he still has room in his heart to be your friend
    You tell him to become a master is setting his goal too high
    Yet he keeps that far off look in his eyes
    You don't see him for what he truly is
    Yet he has showed you, just look at all he does
     
    Last edited:
    Pretty decent poem...

    Though a few errors and whatnot. I'm not sure if you really intend those or something but let's see...

    See, the problem with some free-verse poems like yours, it won't sound right to some because the rythm might be jagged and I'm sure that's not the syntax that you're aiming for. This poem surely doesn't need paragraphing but probably a little fix in the rythm. Rhyme is another thing because you kinda confused me with your rhyme scheme: a b cc dd(?) ee(?) f g

    I'm not sure with the rhymes with "end" and "friends" and the same for "high" and "eyes"... but I've seen many other people (like Bono... O___O) use these kind of rhymes and they do work.

    Another thing:
    You call him a moron, a fool, & an idiot, it never ends
    Click to expand...

    It's not the best way to use those symbols because they make the poem look all ugly and stuff... Some poets use those symbols but only to use a theme in a way where the whole poem is composed of symbols.

    If you didn't like this review, just ignore it... XD I just came here to comment...>>;;

    *continues to search for fanfic of the week*
     
    Toto said:
    You tell him he will always fail
    Yet he holds his dreams in his heart so well
    You hold his past against him persistently
    Yet he gets better and someday you will see
    You call him a moron, a fool, & an idiot, it never ends
    Yet he still has room in his heart to be your friend
    You tell him to become a master is setting his goal too high
    Yet he keeps that far off look in his eyes
    You don't see him for what he truly is
    Yet he has showed you just look at all he does
    Click to expand...


    Wow that is awesome, I can relate o that IRL, call it sad but it is true ^^;. I have boldened one line that I can most relate to ^^:

    Stevo-Kun
     
    That is so deep. =O *sigh* I can relate too. I see Ash in his great qualites. He is totally cool. Some people don't see Satoshi what he truly is. You prove it prefectly. Me likes the poem. =3
     
    Oh, I really like this one! It's really sweet. It's really shame that everyone don't see how special Satoshi really is, but there always be people who do
     
    Wow. I actually understand the whole point of this. Most people don't see Ash for who he is and try to hold him back, but he just keeps his eye on the prize.

    This is another great piece of work you made, Toto.
     
    OMG What a beautiful poem Toto =3 I love how well the sentences rhyme and also tell the truth at the same time ^^
    The title goes perfectly with the poem and the poem itself is very impressively written!
    You have a indredible talent with writing and I always look forward to your future works =3
     
    One observation shall prove that this poem is very limited and not very carefully constructed...

    shortest line: 7 syllables
    longest line: 16 syllables

    conclusion: not fluant at all... it just won't work period. It's too great of a range in syllables to even consider it a poem at all.

    as well as what Niko has said already, some of the key lines lacked the "ring" in the last word... it doesn't sound too nice (poems are meant to be read out loud, remember), and the emphasize is not on the last word. For example, the last line... the emphasize is actually in the middle of the line, and the last part of the line is useless. The most important idea should be coming at the end, not the middle.

    Plenty of editing to do...
     
    Toto it rocks! Are you talking about Gary? 10/5!
     
    No I am talking about anyone that puts him down. Like Ash bashers.
     
    *giggles* For a moment, when you said "Satoshi", I thought you meant Anth :P XD
     
    Jedi_Amara said:
    *giggles* For a moment, when you said "Satoshi", I thought you meant Anth :P XD
    Click to expand...
    XD! Why would I mean him? XD
     
    Nice poem,I`d put making sense ahead of beats a rhyme.
    7/10
     
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top