a late start

Blitz~2005

AKA Blitz
    • 1,903
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    21
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    i was ganna post this on another forum but its not workin so i will post it here for now, when the other forum works again i will post it there




    CHAPTER #1

    it has been 20 years since the legendary trainer started his journey, his name was ash and he lived in the same town i do, he is said to be in a new region now, i dont know the name of it but its my journey to find him and battle him, prof oak has passed away now and his daughter (professor Emarra oak, gary's aunt) has taken over in his role, proffesser oak used to give out pokemon every 3 years, but since he passed away (10 years ago) that hasnt been happening, prof Oak is now the same age her father was when he gave ash his first pokemon and she has just got three new pokemon in, and i am going to get one, i knew the pokemon well i have studied them for 5 years,
    oh sorry i forgot to introduce myself, my name is Blitz and i am 15, i am turning 16 in about a weak, i know you are ment to start your journey when ur 10 but i wanted to wait for the rare pokemon that prof oak gives out (bulbasaur, charmander, and squirtle) as did my brother fudge, and my next door neighbour, we already know the pokemon we want, im getting squirtle, fudge is getting bulbasaur and shaz is getting charmander, fudge is 14 he just had his birthday so he is two years younger, shaz only had to wait one extra year before he got his starter, he is 11, we are all going to travel together, i headed of to the lab before the others, i knew they would want to sleep in, i knocked on the door of the lab, but there was no answer, knocked again, still no answer, the door was unlocked so i walked in, i looked around for her, i looked inside the house in a rush wanting my pokemon,i rushed into every room untill i went into her bed room, she was sleeping, i woke her up, it was still really early "oh hello" she said

    END OF CHAPTER #1
     
    hmmm... you should try just a tinsy(sp?) harder to get spelling a grammer correst. Your not using any capitals at the moment, but others well done! :D
     
    yeah i dont bother much with grammer, and my spellin sux (sometimes)
    anyway im moving this to fudges forum now, if ya want to read it, i might have another one up tomorow on fudges forum
    k
     
    Ok, the main things I'm going to pick on is your grammer. First off, it was all one huge run-on sentence. Commas do not take the place of periods. Second, you lumped everything into 2 paragraphs, but didn't bother putting a period at the end of the first paragraph. When you change paragraphs, you must also start a new sentence. Third, you didn't put a single capital letter in there. You need one at the begining of your whole one sentence, and proper nouns (people, towns ...) also need a capital letter... Last, you need to start a new paragraph when somebody talks...

    Aside from that it was pretty short for a chapter... It also wasn't very detailed, and seemed rushed. It's usually not a good thing when a review is as, or almost, as long as your chapter.

    yeah i dont bother much with grammer, and my spellin sux (sometimes)
    Click to expand...
    You don't bother with grammar, aye? Well if you ever want to have a top notch fan fiction, than you need to start bothering. If you don't, your just wasting your time...

    Sorry if that seems harsh, but I want you to see what you did wrong. ^.^;;
     
    eh, it was rushed coz i was in a ruch, and i dont think grammer is important, its the story that counts, i agree it didnt have much detail (again becouse it was rushed) infact i should probibly edit it on the forum it is on now :P,
     
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