A New Journey

[pokefan007]

Hello everyone! This is the start of my first fan fic called A New Journey I hope you enjoy it and I hope you will be brutally honest. This my only one so far but I hope if you can help me improve it won't be my last. Here goes......


Prologue
Secretly hidden somewhere on Ice Isle off the coast of Cocoa Cove in Eden City, an egg, lime green in color, starts to quiver slightly. Slowly it begins to crack, and a little green beak pokes through. The newly hatched Pok?mon, only a foot tall, hops out and begins to dry itself off and to prepare its shelter.


Chapter 1: The Start of a New Journey.
Erik awoke with a start, today he was going to start his quest to be a Pok?mon master. If only Will would stay out of the way and his mother would go easy on him. Erik reached over to nudge Will to get up. "Come on you lazy bum! Get up!!"
Will grunted and rolled over, muttering something in his sleep. Erik rolled his eyes and started to get ready to go over to Professor Pine's lab to get his very first Pok?mon. Erik finished getting dressed and ran down the stairs to get some breakfast. He stopped for a moment to wonder where Mom was, but just shrugged it off and fixed him and Will some pancakes. Thirty minutes later, Will dragged himself down and nearly collapsed in a chair.
"Would you make me some?" he grumbled toward Erik.
"Sure if you'll wake up and realize that we still need to go buy Prof. Pine's lab later."
Will jumped awake as soon as he heard those words. "Really, that's today? I thought it was tomorrow?"
"Nope, today. Now hurry up so we can go already."

As Will was getting ready, Erik called his mother and asked her to transfer one of her pokemon they could use to get to Starter Town, named for allthe typical starter pokemon that live near.

"Come on Will, wait, no nevermind, Mom sent us two pokemon. No here comes two more. What is she doing?" asked Erik.

"I'm sending you two to borrow and two for you to battle against me for once you've gotten your starter." came their mother's voice through the videophone. "And here comes some money I've been saving up for the two of you."

"Aww, thanks Mom," came from Will as he was heading down the stairs.

"Yea, thanks," Erik added, "this really means a lot."

Sniffing back her tears Lisa said, "Aww guys, I love you."
Suddenly something startles Lisa and she jumps. "God Bob, you scared me."

"Sorry for the fright Lisa, but you have a challenger, and boy is he good. He took out Mykall with just one pokemon." Bob added acting a little shocked.

"It's alright. Sorry guys I have to go, gotta teach this little boy what champions are made of." Lisa told her children with a slight sarcastic tone in her voice.

"Bye Mom, and thanks for everything!" both Erik and Will said to their mother as she was closing the link. They collected themselves together and took the two pokeballs that contained two Pidgeot.

"I'm going to put these somewhere safe." Erik said as he gathered up the two pokeballs that contained pokemon only Lisa knew and the money their mother had saved for them.

"I wonder what two pokemon Mom sent over for us to keep?" Will asked in a sneaky voice.

"Don't even think about that, because if it's a good pokemon you'll pick a starter that's strong against it." Erik told him in a serious tone.

"Don't worry, I won't. Now come on or we are going to be late!" Will said as he was walking through the door.

They both took the two Pidgeot and called them out.

"Pid, Geot." Will's Pidgeot said as it stretched out its wings.

"Come on you two, we have to get to Starter Town." Erik told the two Pidgeot.

Erik and Will mounted the Pidgeot and they started their very first steps on the long and twisted road toward their dreams. Erik to beat their mother and reign as new champion, and Will to understand and get along with all types of pokemon. Just as their home was getting farther and farther from view, Erik turned around and smiled broadly, letting a single tear drip down on Pidgeot because he knew that someday he'd come back the best pokemon trainer ever.



EXTRA NOTE:Will is Erik's twin and their mother is the reigning champion of the Eden region.


Author's Note: I hope its long enough....

 

[Stevo-kun]

Thats pretty coll good job.

Pokemon_Veteran

 

[emeraldslay]

Hey, that is pretty good. Keep it up, it sounds pretty good so far. I like there mom being the master of the region, it adds a nice little twist. Keep it up!

Read The legend of Erick if you have any loyalty in you're heart.

 

[pokefan007]

Thanks for the comments, and yes, i've read a little, did you write it, its good, well, the little i read was, in the prologue, was that articuno in the boy's lap? And I'll have the next chapter shortly.
Extra note: the pokemon that hatched from the egg in the prologue will have a pic, just not until it makes its appearance........I love cliffhangers...

Chapter 2: The Lab and the Pokemon

They reached Starter Town 30 minutes later and landed close to the pokemon center.

"I'm going to send Pidgeot back after I get my starter." Erik told Will as he recalled Pidgeot back to it's pokeball.

"Yea, me too, that way we can have a two on two battle with Mom for the other pokemon." Will said.

"I wouldn't tell Prof. Pine that we could have already had starters," said Erik as Will looks at him puzzled, "I mean we could have just taken the pokemon and started our journey." he answered Will.

Will nodded his head in agreement and the two went to find the lab.

Ten minutes later they had already picked out their pokedexes, pokegear, and were given five pokeballs. As Professor Pine was explaining them they passed by all sorts of pokemon, there were Gastly, Pikachu, Marill, Eevee, Oddish, there were even some Zubat on the ceiling! As Prof. Pine was explaining what a pokedex and pokegear were Erik and Will were to choose their starter pokemon.

"Aw, cool a Magnemite!" Will said excitively.

"That's nothing, check out this Poochyena! It's bite looks fierce!" Erik replied in the same attitude. "Wow a Charmander! Ohh, mine! This Vulpix is mine!!!"

"Your Vulpix sucks compared to my Barboach!" Will boasted.

"Your on!!" Erik answered with a hint of rage.

"Now hold on a minute, I have to check you off and give you your certificates." Professor Pine interrupted.

Five minutes later Erik and Will were both certified trainers and Will had nicknamed his Barboach Tidal

"Lets call Mom and get those pokemon!" Erik said, his stomach still filled with butterflies.

"Good idea, lets get Mom's Pidgeots from Nurse Joy." Will replied eager to find out what pokemon they would get.

A few minutes later they were back on the Pidgeots and were flying home, both eager to get their other pokemon and to start their own quests.

Twenty minutes later, just as Erik and Will were passing over a town, Erik yells, "Hey, I'm hungry, Is it lunchtime yet?"

"Yea, come to think of it, I'm getting hungry myself." Will yelled back.
Erik motions to Will to land so they can grab a bite to eat and something for their pokemon. They land and recall the pokemon and start off to look for a good place.

"Come on, lets go find someplace! I'm starved, the sooner we find somewhere the better!" Erik told Will just as he took out his pokeball that contained his Vulpix.

"Hey, maybe we could find some more trainers and have us a two on two battle together." Will suggested.

"Yea, maybe," Erik said, clutching his stomach, "But first we have SO got to find somewhere to eat."

After ten minutes of walking around the seemingly deserted town, Erik suggested, "Hey, maybe we should turn back, I can wait if you can."

"What are you afraid?" Will asked as he gives a evil laugh.





Author's note: I know, I need to go back and add details in with the "five min. later" and the other "number min later"s & I had a brain storm so I have *barely* started ch 3 called "The Battle and the Pokemon" Extra note: Erik finally sees his first glimpse of the mysterious pokemon that hatched in the prologue...... I'll give a edited sprite and pokedex information in the author's notes of ch 3

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been at school so I haven't had a lot of time to write. Thankfully it is the weekend and I'm hoping to have ch 3 up by at least Sunday, hopefully Saturday. I'm currently in the middle of a battle, of which Erik will finally see the hatched pokemon. *sprite* *cough* *in* *cough* *sig* *cough**cough*...... That is all...

 

[emeraldslay]

Curse you and you're suspense! lol! This sounds good, I can't wait to see the battle!

 

[pokefan007]

Yea, me too, gotta get it off my mom's computer, this one crashed and I lost all of it, thank god I had sent it as an email to my mom for her to read, or else all I would have is whats on the site......Talk about a lucky break..... And I"ve been grounded so I still haven't finished the third chapter, it was half finished when i got grounded so I hope to finish it hopefully by the end of this month, Have some serious homework this weekend so I can't work on it till around next week or so, sorry guys but you'll just have to live with my suspence..... Little hint though, Erik and Will are in a double battle and Its going to be a big one....lol, don't you just LOVE suspenceful endings......

 

[Obsidian Blade]

Pretty neat, it's obvious that you've put a lot more effort into this than is often seen in OT fanfiction. I love the way that both Will and Erik want to do different things with their Pok?mon - it gives them each more personality and shows that, despite being twins, they are different people. Great.

I still think you need to work on your description, I haven't the foggiest what either of the look like! What colour hair do they have? What eye colour? What build? What skin colour? You could quite easily add these details into the next chapter or an already finished one just by adding actions to dialogue like so:

Pushing a lock of golden brown hair behind her ear, Mary cried out, "Torchic, go!"

Knowing what characters look like is necessary for a successful fic, otherwise almost every single scene will still feel a bit vague because the working characters don't have proper faces.

Going further on the subject of dialogue, I'm happy to say that I don't need to make my normal mention of "emotional said". Quotes like this:

"Lets call Mom and get those pokemon!" Erik said, his stomach still filled with butterflies.

Show that you're quite aware of the amount of character personality you can put into the "said" part of dialogue, so no problem there. ^^

Finally, I think you could have been more creative with the starters. When I was reading the description of Prof. Pine's lab, with the Zubat and all those other interesting Pok?mon, I was quite confident that you wouldn't fall into the trap of using a common (and, quite frankly, boring) starter... but I guess I was wrong. Of course, this doesn't actually spell out DOOM for the fic, but I suggest you create some good personalities for Torchic and Mudkip to make them stand out from the crowd.

Good luck with your next chapter!

 

[pokefan007]

First, Thanks for the critism, I don't care how good a writer thinks they are they always need critism, I didn't even realize I didn't put any description of the characters themselves, Starter problem fixed, and Erik's final pokemon team is completely different from Will's
*thinks of something else to add to that without giving out too much* One of them won't have their starter in their final parties..... I'm not saying who though. All in all, thanks, I need more people critizing my fan fic, critism just makes it better, for me at least...lol..




Note: I edited the story a little, hope you like!! Hint its in ch 2. close to the bottom

 

[Stevo-kun]

Keep it up Pokefan cus it sounds really good to me XD.

Pokemon_Veteran

 

[emeraldslay]

Good job in changing the starters. I liked how you picked the two. Are the two gong to split up? Just a thing I have been wandering. I only have one critiscim, you are too good at cliffhangers! I hope this gets continued soon or I'll probably kill my self from the suspense. lol, j/k. Maybe making the chapters a little longer would help. Only a little longer, then they would be perfect. Good job!

 

[pokefan007]

Thanks, I'm currently drawing a blank on it right now but I'll try to come up with something soon..... I love cliffhangers, and yes they will split soon, hopefully...... maybe......I don't know..........but they will definitely split.

 

[Kylie-chan]

Note: I have selected this fiction randomly to review as an application for the Reviewer's Guild. Therefore I am only reviewing Chapter One.

---
I fell asleep halfway through the prologue. It is rather cliched. I have read many fan fiction prologues with something like a legendary awakening, something hatching, etc. The description in the prologue, was, however, pretty good, especially compared to some other fan fictions I have read.

Secondly, you need to run stuff through the spellchecker - though beware that it is not always correct and misses things/mistakes things. It's a computer, it's programmed to recognise mistakes. We have brains to notice real mistakes. You need to use dashes - that's " - (or --) ".
For a start, in the first paragraph of Chapter One,

Erik awoke with a start, today he was going to start his quest to be a Pok?mon master.

It should be Erik awoke with a start - today he was going to start his quest to be a Pok?mon master.

I gather Erik awoke with a start - he started, in other words - was because it was an exciting new quest-beginning day. The dash is used to say something that is relevant to the subject and is added, e.g. They are going to the shop - their mother made them - to get potatoes. Like brackets.

And phrases like never mind need a space, nopt "nevermind", although I think it's just a typo.

You also have a tense problem. Your prologue is in present tense, like She goes to the baker's. (what is my obsession with shops as examples?). It's used to describe something happening as it happens, from a present period of time. Your story itself is in past tense, describing it as if it happened some time ago. I gather that the prologue is describing something happening at the same time as Will and Erik waking up, so therefore you use the same tense, as you would in a normal story. Pick one and stay with it.

Oh, and stuff like "I thought it was tomorrow" is not a question, or interrogative (duty to my teacher), it's a statement, so don't put a question mark. Actually, I think it sounds like an exclamation, but never mind... By as in "We go by the post office" is by, it's a homophone. By as in a preposition, buy as in to pay money for something. A common mistake, so don't feel bad.

Also a layout error. Put an extra space between each new speaker and paragraph, not alternating in and out. Thanks.

However, it shows promise, you obviously don't use said for every speaker, which is actually an achievement. People think it's simple. It's not. It's hard to find the right word or adverb, and you don't know how many people do the "said" thing all the time. Although I fell asleep - this story is written a million times - it's promising. Next time, start with an interesting event perhaps, if you know people like me will turn off. Your scenic description needs working on, but other than that, your description is pretty good (but heh my scenic description gets bashed all the time. But my stories are about emotion. Basically you don't need to know where everyone is in rambling detail if it's focusing on something else.)

Nice try, you will improve as time goes on!

 

[Kylie-chan]

(sorry to double post, but I don't wanna make that last post any longer)

OMG what a long and detailed review. I shall cull unnecessary things. (It's not my fault I'm a grammatical dinosaur. Those little mistakes bite me hard.)

 

[Obsidian Blade]

Hmm, Vulpix and Tidal the Barboach now, eh? I love Barboach and Ninetales is a great Pok?mon, so I reckon that's a better choice.

There were quite a few grammatical mistakes in the new ending though, especially in this paragraph:

A few minutes later they were back on the Pidgeots and were flying home, both eager to get their other pokemon and to start their own quests.

Twenty minutes later, just as Erik and Will were passing over a town, Erik yells, "Hey, I'm hungry, Is it lunchtime yet?"

"Yea, come to think of it, I'm getting hungry myself." Will yells back.
Erik motions to Will to land so they can grab a bite to eat and something for their pokemon. They land and recall the pokemon and start off to look for a good place.

"Come on, lets go find someplace! I'm starved, the sooner we find somewhere the better!" Erik told Will just as he took out his pokeball that contained his Vulpix.

"Hey, maybe we could find some more trainers and have us a two on two battle together." Will suggests.

"Yea, maybe," Erik says, clutching his stomach, "But first we have SO got to find somewhere to eat."

After ten minutes of walking around the seemingly deserted town, Erik suggests, "Hey, maybe we should turn back, I can wait if you can."

"What are you afraid?" Will says as he gives a evil laugh.

For one, it starts in the past tense (they were back) like the rest of the chapter, but then it changes into present (Erik says). This is quite a common mistake in new fictions, but an important one nonetheless. It makes the fiction seem like it was written by an amateur and will turn away more readers than an author would generally like.

Something I didn't point out last time because I prefer to break any CC I give into pieces so it's easier to tackle, but you need to watch your use of (or lack of) apostrophes. Take this sentence, for example.

"Good idea, lets get Mom's Pidgeots from Nurse Joy." Will replied eager to find out what pokemon they would get.

"Mom's" is fine, no problem there, but "lets" should be "let's". This is because it's a shorter way of writing "let us". An apostrophe should be used to replace the missing "u" in the same way it replaces the "o" in "don't". Simple stuff, but it can (and does) change the whole meaning of sentences.

Finally, great job in keeping dialogue interesting to read. Not just what the boys are saying, but how you write it. Switching from

After ten minutes of walking around the seemingly deserted town, Erik suggests, "Hey, maybe we should turn back, I can wait if you can."

to

"What are you afraid?" Will says as he gives a evil laugh.

gives a nice change and stops the reader from becoming sick of '"Blah blah!" said soandso' over and over again. Nice sentence order, to put it simply. ^^

 

[pokefan007]

To:Obsidian Blade:
Wow, thanks, I would've never even seen any of it if you hadn't pointed it out, I'll fix it.
*runs off to fix the mistakes*

To Dark Pikachu:
I don't like to use dashes, I think it makes the story look choppy. And yes, I did use spell check for most of it. My writing program doesn't have it so I have to go to a lot of trouble to spell check. I always thought "nevermind" was one word, and I looked it up so I want to thank you for that. It just goes to show you how much I know.....

To all:
Thanks for the reviews, I don't feel well today so I'll fix the rest of it later, once I'm feeling better

See ya later!!
~Pokefan