A sad Poem

[Jesus Freak Josh]

OK, this is a sad poem I made. :(
It is a true story. It happened to our close friends.
Please read.

I stood still on the fateful day of July 29th at 10 to ten,
Everyone in the room was silent as Annabel slowly breathed.
I had gotten out of school to see a baby with purple skin,
She had no brain, and I was feeling pins.
Pins of sorrow, pins of pain.
Annabel had no brain,
She was not plain.
I went back to school at half past 10 and went back to work.

Near lunch I was called back to the hospital near lunch time,
Eventually the clock made a chime,
Annabel had died.
Everyone was sad, I tried to keep tears rolling down my face.
Bethany, the sister, was the only one confused.
"When can we take my baby home?" she asked.
"We can't sweetie!" her mum replied. "She is with Jesus!"
We were sitting there for ages. Eventually I looked at my sister Sus.
She was sad too,
How could I ignore it?
The baby would never say moo!

A few weeks after, I was at group,
Bethany's mum was teaching me.
"What corinthians means!" she explained,
"Is that everyone will be whole on the last day!"
"So Annabel will have a brain!"
This made me feel better about the pain,
I know one day, I will find her in heaven with God.

 

[Blaine]

It's a very moving poem... Very upsetting. I cannot imagine what the scene must've been like. I myself have trouble coping with situations and generally seem desensitized... Though, with the poem I have a few corrections. The opening is beautiful, but around the fifth phrase you start to rhyme. If a poem doesn't start as a rhyme, then don't add in rhyming words. I promise I'm not being smart alecky but it's just a bit of constructive criticism. "Corinthians" should be capitalized as it is a proper name in any society and a few transitional verbs wouldn't be bad. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed the poem itself. Very much a diamond in the rough.

 

[Finglonger]

0_0 yeah sad..not terribly verbose. Kind of straight to the point,but some things need to be said that way. especially when youre dealing with events such as that. ;_;