First off, welcome to the main forum. As a warning, we're a lot harsher here than in the Poetry forum. We're more thorough, and we tend to be a little blunter. If you're A-OK with that, let's start off with the basics.
The first thing I can tell when I look at this is that you wrote it on the forums. As in, you hit New Thread and wrote your story there. While this might work for poetry because it's typically a shorter form of literature that doesn't require massive amounts of planning (and I mean that in the nicest way possible because, really, no one plans poetry with the level of involvement that you see in a novel), it doesn't work for chaptered fanfic. This is because in order to complete a chapter, you'd either need to save or rush through it to finish it. Doing the first (saving every so often) is what you're
supposed to do; doing the second (rushing through) opens your work up to a load of errors in everything from grammar to consistency. In other words, your work gets harder to read if you rush through it.
So, you'll want to save your work in a word processing document like Microsoft Word or OpenOffice. If you can't save to your computer, try
Google Docs, which allows you to save your work online without letting anyone but you and whoever you allow to see it.
Beyond that, you're nine, so this is going to be hard to get through because I know you're probably still learning the basics of grammar. However, this is a list of things you've really got to remember:
1. Paragraphs. Every time you hit the enter key, hit it twice. On boards, that's the same thing as hitting the tab key whenever you write a paper for school. (Note: Forums strip paragraphs of spaces and tabbed indents before each paragraph. So, while I can see you tried to start paragraphs the way you do for papers, you'll want to know that doesn't really work for boards. Notice how your post looks different compared to what you tried to do.) In other words, it makes it clearer for us (the readers) where your paragraphs begin and what line we're on. For some of us, it's easier because reading blocks of text with no paragraph breaks doesn't do fun things to our eyes. (My vision sometimes blurs the longer I do it, for example.) You can read more about why you should do this and what I mean
here.
2. Start every sentence with a capital letter. This includes sentences in quotation marks.
3. Dialogue is hard to punctuate, so I'm just going to
make this little phrase here link to a guide to explain it all.
4. End every sentence with a period or other form of ending punctuation. You started this at first, but a lot of your lines of dialogue don't have anything at the end. For example:
"erm..yeah..." the Jirachi replied
"So your a Jirachi, the rarest pokemon on earth, you live in the Millennium Comet? Whats your name?" asked Meerfall
"ShaQuL, you?" replied ShaQuL
"man I'm tired, anyone want to go to Midnight Lake to rest?" he asked
5. Your is a possessive pronoun (something belongs to you). You're is a contraction for the phrase "you are." There's a simple way to remember the difference: there's no apostrophes in any pronouns by themselves. As in, for you, the possessive is "your" or "yours," and most other forms are "you." If you see an apostrophe, it's a contraction because the apostrophe is standing in for part of a word.
6. The most common contractions have apostrophes in them. That includes "what's."
I know all of this seems nitpicky, but it's really helpful if you proofread and maybe
got a beta reader (someone who's not afraid of offering a lot of concrit and who can look over your chapter before you post it). The reason why is because cleaning up your fic really allows your reader to focus on what you're saying instead of how you're saying it.
At the risk of abusing an analogy (because I tell this kind of thing to a lot of people), think of your writing like a road. The basic stuff is the pavement, and your story is the scenery around it. A small mistake here or there is a bump in it. If you have only a few bumps, your readers can still enjoy the ride. However, if your road has a
lot of bumps
everywhere, they'll be more focused on the road instead of the scenery. So, you'll really want to do your best to smooth out the road to help the reader enjoy the rest of the fic.
The best way to smooth out that road is basically by being careful. You'll need to write and save your work on a place that isn't the forums, and you'll want to proofread and really think about what you're doing. It might help to teach yourself grammar. A lot of the things I know, for example, are things I just learned by myself instead of through school. There's a lot of places that have guides to grammar. All you need to do is look them up on Google or
check out the guides on our resources thread. It also helps to get a beta like I said earlier because they'll help you root out any problems you wouldn't be able to catch yourself.
As for plot, I'd have to say there's not much here. Personally, I'm not very fond of self-insert fic about the writer and his/her friends (that is, fic in which you and your best friends are the main characters) myself, but I remember that when I was your age, I used to write that stuff all the time. So, in that sense, it was cute because it brought back memories of how I got started writing.
Still, a Jirachi appears (and it's not mentioned that he fell from the comet or anything), TJ and Meerfall are impressed by this for one line, and then they go off to sleep by a lake. There's just not much happening in this fic, really, and it's
really hard for me to comment on this because I know you're nine.
So, the best I'm going to do is tell you that it's a start and a good try. It might help, though, to check out how they do things in the books you usually read. Reading in general
really helps your writing because you're learning how to do things by watching people who do that as their job, so pick any book (even the one you're reading for school right now) and check out how they write plot. Notice how they're not exactly quick about things? How characters think about things over more than one line? How each chapter is drawn out a little more? Definitely think about things like that and how books do it as you're writing your story. It really will help.
In short, I know this all is a long review. What I mean to say is it was cute and a good try, but you'll just want to be careful.
