Among the Carnage

[zapdos926]

A war has broken out.

A war between the Angels of Heaven, and the Demons of Hell.

Rise, His army to the siege of beasts.

Rise, Satan's army to the call of the Devil.

Blood will be shed on the Border of the Afterlife.

The Demons fight with fear and strength and weapons of destruction with them.

The Angels fight through sheer willpower, and His might.

As the bodies fall, the Outcast Angel calls more demons from the deepest pit of Hell.

As the bodies fall, the Angels fight more bravely than before.

For each Angel that collapses at the hand of Satan, another one rises to fight.

For every demon that is destroyed by the power of His light, another is called to war.

Amidst the carnage, the blood and the terror.

Amidst the thunder and rain that is caused to wreck havoc upon the mortal Earth, a flower grows.

The flower, half as red as blood, the other as white as l pure light, grows on the Border.

At the hand of a fallen Angel, and by the axe of a destroyed Demon.

Amidst the war between the Lord, and his Angels of heaven,

And Satan and his demons of hell.

A flower grows, a beautiful thing among the dead and the dying.

Among the destruction and the terror.

Among the carnage, there is beauty.

 

[Oryx]

This poem has a very interesting story behind it, but it's told mostly in narrative form, not keeping in mind the idea of it being in a poem. Keep in mind when you're writing poetry that the story is told not only in the words you choose, but also in the line length, rhythm, rhyme scheme (or lack thereof), etc. What are you trying to say with the line lengths you chose? Some of them are very long, some are very short. It seems like, except for a few lines at the end, you chose to end each line where a sentence ends. This isn't always the best strategy, so you should think about that and whether you would like to change the lengths to be more uniform and easy to read, or split up in certain ways to emphasize certain words in your sentences.

Similarly, there isn't much in the way of rhythm in the poem. It reads as if you were reading prose, which is much different from poetry in this regard. I would look through the poem and see what kind of rhythm and pacing you want - do you want it to be fast when describing the fighting, then slow when describing the flower? Slow throughout, as if the fight is in slow motion? Or quick the entire time, to reflect the frail and short lived flower? Edit your word choice, lines, and rhyming to show what you want it to show.

I don't mean to be too harsh, promise. I can just see that the idea of this has a lot of potential, but it needs some work before it can reach its full potential. :3

 

[zapdos926]

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism :) I'll take it into account for any future poetry.

Here is my opinion on the line length thing: It doesn't really matter. All it is, is pressing enter. I could've had absolutely no lines, just a paragraph, it would still be a poem. And with the whole thing on the speed of reading, I can't control how people read it. I have always read it at a somewhat standard pace, but depending on who someone is, they could read it and understand it however they choose.

I have no rhyming because it's free verse. There isn't supposed to be rhyming, obviously, and I feel stupid for pointing it out (I'm known as "Captain Obvious" at my house, and for good reason). So there is no rhyme theme or scheme or whatever.

Again, thanks for the criticism, I really do appreciate it, even if it seems like I don't. :D

 

[Oryx]

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism :) I'll take it into account for any future poetry.

Here is my opinion on the line length thing: It doesn't really matter. All it is, is pressing enter. I could've had absolutely no lines, just a paragraph, it would still be a poem. And with the whole thing on the speed of reading, I can't control how people read it. I have always read it at a somewhat standard pace, but depending on who someone is, they could read it and understand it however they choose.

I have no rhyming because it's free verse. There isn't supposed to be rhyming, obviously, and I feel stupid for pointing it out (I'm known as "Captain Obvious" at my house, and for good reason). So there is no rhyme theme or scheme or whatever.

Again, thanks for the criticism, I really do appreciate it, even if it seems like I don't. :D

Part of poetry is that you don't have as many words to express what you want to say, so everything counts, from the punctuation to the word choice to even the lines. As much as you may think it doesn't matter, in actual poetry analysis it's taken into account, especially relating to sentence structure. If the breaks are in unexpected places, the poem often is trying to take the reader by surprise, or sound broken to imitate whatever message it's trying to send. If you want to end it at the end of every sentence or not end it at all, that's your choice, but what I'm saying is that you should have a reason for doing so. Paragraph poetry in particular has a large burden on its shoulders in that it has to prove its worth both in its poetry and in the reasoning behind having it in paragraph form. :x

Yeah, it's free verse, but I didn't even mention rhyme, silly. I said rhythm, which can include rhyme but doesn't necessarily have to. For example, lines with a large amount of alliteration, assonance, and/or rhyme can be combined to achieve very fast pacing. In contrast, longer words with a more basic rhythm tend to be read slower. While you obviously can't tell the reader "Hey, read this part slow", you can control them with your word choice and rhythm and that's one of the biggest things that poets have to work with.

Just keep in mind that when you write poetry, you don't have much to work with. If you're just telling a story with no thought to anything poetry-related, then why even bother with making it a poem? Might as well be prose. Even paragraph poetry has thoughts towards rhythm and such, otherwise it's just prose. :x

It's a good start to just write down what you're thinking without considering it much, that's how I started as well, with free verse and just writing, but to grow as a poet the next step is to edit and write with poetry in mind specifically.