Ash and members of PC

[Cirrusaliosa]

Hi, welcome to the beginning of the Ash and members of PC story. This is just a story about Ash and PC, of course. I'll just start it...

As ash and his friends were walking to the next city, they noticed that they were in a strange place surrounded by lots of people.
"Where do you think we are?" May asked.
"I guess there's like a huge competition going on," Ash said, staring at all the people.
"Not exactly," said a voice and they all turned around.
"Who are you?" Max asked.
"The names Shadow (that's suppose to be me, ShadowMightyena_001's way too long, anyway's back to the story)," said the girl. Ash saw an all black Mightyena standing next to her.
"You're at a place called PC, Pokemone Community," Shadow said smiling, "A place where all pokemon fans come and chat with each other."
"Cool," Ash said, but he was still staring at the black Mightyena. "Why's your Mightyena black?"
"It's special," she said and patted Ash's Pikachu.
"It's got such a nice coat," Brock said patting it. Shadow smiled.
"I guess a trainer like you wants a battle?" Shadow asked. Ash nodded.
"Well just go the arena and check it out," Shadow said pointing at a stadium, "there are lot's of battles there."
"Alright!" Ash said and started to run. He opened the doors and suddenly gasped. So many trainers were battling each other.
"Where do I sigh up?" Ash said drooling.
"Just stand at a battle ground and anyone will come," Shadow said.
"Why don't we battle?" Ash asked.
"Let's save the best to last," Shadow said smiling. Ash didn't know what that meant so he just stood at a battle field.
"Alright, who's gonna battle me?" Ash shouted. Suddenly someone was walking towards them.
"I am," said a voice, "The names...."

That's all I'm gotta write for now. You can continue on with the story and join in but you gotta PM me so I know who you are.. Have fun!!

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

Well, this is very short to say the least. All that happened was Ash and co coming into PC, then talking, then going into the building. Although that did seem like a lot, the general flow of it wasn't great. It jerked from one sentence to the next without making the reader feel that they are in the story.

Also, description. At times when you didn't describe, you should have. At times when you did describe, you should have made it a lot more vivid. Experiment with colour. Black and grey are dull (well, they are anyway... but o_O), but for different colours, try using scarlet, crimson and ruby for red, or sapphire, cobalt and navy for blue. The thesaurus in MS Word should help there.

I've mentioned the length, and it could be improved a lot if you add a lot of description and a bit more in the way of plot. Hopefully you'll consider what I've said with good heart... I hope :/

"A Vote for Justice is a Vote for MCD"