Dependability

[kidpunk]

(I wrote this poem to the tempo of Gone by Pearl Jam)
This poem, as crazy as it sounds, is about all the drama I take over Xbox Live. I barely have a life, and it revolves around my writing and playing Xbox. I get on to get away from the negativity around me, and it's a vicious cycle when I get on. I can't get away from it.

Dependability
I ride these people up and down,
Down deep into the ground.
And when I turn to save the sound,
It turns into a mound of degradation.

People run into this trap,
Looking for their catcher keys.
Out into the ring comes the matador,
And he is begging for some damn salvation.

When I chased down my essential targets,
They scurried off, too fast for me.
When I ran for the king's platinum city,
He closed his deprived doors.

For I'm the one they turn too,
For I'm the one they trust.
For I'm the one who saves their days,
And turns them into dust.

For I'm the one they turn too,
When they all took the bait.
For I'm the one they took to far,
And now fighting for one last chance.

When you all look at yourselves,
And see the monster inside;
You'll have to choose the better half
Of this altered life or mine.

For when this Golden Cadillac rides off,
Into the pure red sun,
You'll remember what I did,
My Cause, My Heart, My Time.

 

[Oryx]

It looks like you're experimenting with a lot of different rhyming schemes, which makes it a little hard to get the rhythm in the reader's head. The story itself is also kind of difficult to follow - it goes from saying the king closed his doors to the narrator, but that he's the one they trust. It also makes mention of a lot of different images without really explaining how they connect; explanation isn't always necessary, but if it's hard to follow the connections it might be better. I think the poem itself could get a lot of help just from a flowing story. The story itself doesn't have to be followed in a narrative fashion, but an image of the kind of story you're trying to tell the reader would give it a lot more focus.

The poem has the potential to be interesting, but it needs some work before it's quite there. If I were you I would stick with the inter-stanza rhyming that you had going on in the first two stanzas, with "degradation" and "salvation". Also keep in mind that not all rhymes have to be perfect, assonance matters nearly as much if not more so; I see "down" as rhyming with "ground" and "sound" even if it's not a perfect rhyme, because of the assonance between the words.

There are a few slight grammar/spelling issues as well:
-Line 13: To, not too
-Line 17: To, not too
-Line 19: Too, not to
-Line 24: I think you mean "of mine"?