[Pokémon] Evol Spelled Backwards

[Handmaiden]

Hello, this is my first post here. I've never really been a forum person, but I have always liked writing and something like this is a good way to see if people like my work.

What I've got now is kinda rough, I've edited it a little but it is still ragged around the edges and I hoped that I could get a few reviews to help me sort it out a little.

The fic is going to be a small chaptered project, no more than five chapters at the most and this is the first part, more of a little introduction, laying down some groundwork. As you can probably tell, this is going to deal with romance, but not your everyday kind of romance, I'd like to tell the story of alternative love, perhaps a darker side of love that not everyone can understand. I got the inspiration for this after watching "Secretary", great film. The subject matter may not be the same but it did make me think about what it was trying to say.

This work of fiction contains some scenes that not all audiences may be comfortable with, so I advise discretion whilst reading.

Without further ado...




It was night time, and the cold wind that swept through the forest told anyone who wasn't wearing a thick sweater that it was early November. A group of black clad figures made their way through the undergrowth, so well camouflaged that even some of the local wildlife had trouble knowing that they were there.

Each figure wore a pair of military grade, night-vision visors which bathed the environment in an electric green glow. Silently, the figure at the front held up a closed fist and the procession stopped immediately as their target came into view through the trees. The leader pointed out two others and silently directed them to cover the left side of the building in question, he then pointed out two others and sent them right, finally he picked out the remaining figure and signed for them to come with him. They began climbing one of the nearby trees.

Once at the top, two short beeps from a pager strapped to the leaders belt told him that the ground teams had successfully infiltrated the facility and were beginning phase two of the operation. The leader and his companion stayed still and silent atop the tree, hidden amongst the branches. Their part didn't come in until phase three, but first the ground troops had to wrest control of the security and monitoring stations from the night staff.

Another two beeps on the pager and the leader nodded, he grabbed a black-painted pokéball from his belt and released a relatively large purple bat into the night air, it's colouration allowing it to sink into the darkness adequately. He grabbed the bat around it's middle, the leaders companion grabbing onto him and they took off into the air with the crobat making no sound as it flapped it's leathery wings.

They landed on the roof without incident and the crobat was returned upon completion of it's duties. The pair looked around, the leader spotting a security camera pointing right at them and he smiled under his mask and gave an 'okay' sign to the camera. His team had incapacitated the guards, so he was secure in his assumption that he was sending a message of 'good job' to them as they watched the cameras. 'But maybe they've already disabled them', he thought; either way his arrogance was justified.

Suddenly his companion rushed past, tapping their watch. In and out in under five minutes he'd said, hadn't he? His companion was already opening the door, 'She clearly has less faith in my planning than I'd hoped.'

The leader picked up his pace to catch up. He found her tapping her foot impatiently waiting for Team One to disable this particular security door. When it finally buzzed open, they were met by unrelenting grey. The walls, the doors, the floors, everything, it was like stepping into a noir film. Apparently what the people at Silph Co. had in technical genius, they lacked in design creativity.

The leader signaled for them to press on. They strode purposefully down the corridor, making a quick left and followed it to the end, the door buzzed open and the leader smiled, perfect timing. They took a few steps into the room, recognising it as the lab of one of the top physicists employed by Silph, the one whose research they had come to steal. The leader motioned for his companion to search the office through a door to their right whilst he walked over to the back of the room where the work tables were.


The office was a mess. Folders were strewn all over desk, the waste paper basket was overflowing with crumpled up balls of paper and the carpet looked like it hadn't been hoovered for several months. She had spoken with the leader about this plan almost constantly since they came across the information and hatched a plan to capitalise on it. However, she couldn't help but feel unease at the leaders almost uncaring attitude towards the safety of the mission. In his mind it's already done and we're already setting the wheels in motion, 'One step at a time I always tell him'. Sighing, she contented herself with the search for anything that could point to procuring the device they need so badly.

On the desk, beneath a few other folders, was one labeled "Signal Manipulation and Wave Theory" just what she was looking for and at that instant, the door opened. She swung around, only to see the leader with a box under his arm. He signed for them to leave when he saw they had what they needed. He then sent the ground teams two beeps on the pagers they would have on their belts, signifying that the operation was coming to a close. Phase Four had begun, the pair retraced their steps, making it back to the roof and with the help of the crobat, floated safely to the ground where the ground teams had gathered.

Move Out, he signed. Mission Complete.


--


Archer stepped out of his en suite bathroom, his teal hair slicked back with water and a towel around his waist. There was a knock at the door and he checked the digital clock on the wall, 3:30am.

He opened the door to find Ariana waiting impatiently, wearing a pressed white suit and a frown. "Meeting. Fifteen minutes. Oh, and I'd wear something more formal if I were you." she turned and left.

Archer shut the door a little harder than he wanted. Apparently, working for Team Rocket means never having a regular sleep pattern. Annoyed, Archer ripped the towel off of himself and threw it at the wall, rummaged through drawers and started getting dressed. 'They're damn lucky I just showered' he thought, whilst pulling a leg through a pair of white trousers. Archer stood, admiring the pressed cotton trousers in a full length mirror on the wall. He pulled a tight black shirt over his head and found his jacket, with a large red 'R' emblazoned over the heart, he slipped it on and left his room, locking it behind him. He did work with criminals after all.

It was odd, Archer thought, living underground. Sure it looked like a building, it had doors, walls ceilings, yet the lack of windows was slightly unnerving. The only light you had access to was the unnatural glow of fluorescent tubes, it was no wonder that he was getting paler. 'Never trust a pale man' his mother had always said, he never did understand what she meant by it, but he did know that his mother hated the northern folk in Sinnoh. Archer had always noticed similarities between Sinnoh natives and the people of Mahogany Town, perhaps it was the mountains.

Archer sighed, then took a deep breath, that's another thing he hated about living underground, recycled air. After this meeting, he was going for a walk outside.

At the end of the corridor, an open door showed three people already sat down around a large table. "So nice of you to join us, Archer." Ariana called, a false smile playing about her lips. Archer sat down next to a yawning Proton, wearing that stupid hat he refuses to take off in public and Petrel wearing a stupid, smug grin on his face.

"Gentlemen" Ariana said quietly, now standing "I called this meeting to debrief you on our most recent endeavour. As Interim Co-Head of Team Rocket, I feel it necessary that the higher ups collate all the information we have acquired and use it to best plan our way forwards, how best to reach our ultimate goal. Archer agrees with me." She nodded appreciatively towards him. "So tonight, in a successful raid of a Silph Co. facility, Archer and I managed to get our hands on a device that can amplify signals massively and detailed notes on how the system works, something which the techies are working with to help in Operation Resurgence. We will strike fear into the hearts of the common man again, all it takes is one bold move."

Three bored faces stared back at her.

"You woke us up for this?" Proton asked, indignant.

"This really could have waited until morning", Petrel agreed.

Ariana turned as red as her hair. "Insubordination! You work on my timetable, not your own."

Proton stood, slamming a fist into the table, "I do not have to take orders from you, Ariana. You aren't Giovanni; I owe no loyalty to you." he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

There was a brief ten second silence, Ariana had sat down and Archer stood up, looking through a window into the corridor where Proton had disappeared. Then, Petrel spoke, "So is that all? Meeting adjourned?" his eyes moving between the two others in the room.

"Yes, you may leave." Archer said without turning around. "Actually, if you like your face the way it's arranged I suggest you do it." Petrel took one look at Ariana then left.

Ariana scowled at the back of Archer's head "You dare mock-"

"Yes, I dare." Archer said turning around, his voice slightly raised, "You prance around thinking you're on top of the world, yet you are nothing more than a child hoping that someone will grab your hand and lead you to where you want to go. You are pathetic. You barely deserve your executive rank, let alone Head of Operations."

Ariana was stood now, her face contorted into a mask of anger.

"Ariana dear, rage does not look good on you." and with that simple line of thought, Archer walked out of the room, a speechless Ariana behind him.



It was cold outside, perhaps because it was four AM in Mahogany Town and he was only wearing a thin coat over his uniform. 'The cold isn't the problem though is it?' he asked himself, there were many problems, most of them stemming from the fact that he and his colleagues were a snake without a head, and it's only a matter of time before the body dies. 'Giovanni left for a reason, and didn't we all follow his lead? Didn't we follow his orders? Yet now we're working against his will, trying to bring back what Giovanni didn't want. Sometimes I wonder how I let Ariana talk me into doing this.'

We all had cushy jobs, high paying, low working, who wouldn't want that? So when Giovanni called it quits it meant an end to our lavish lifestyles, unless we could keep the company going ourselves. Slowly and silently we rebuilt, recruiting members to take part in money-making schemes, nothing too obvious. We all had to cut back any luxuries we used to have but we still had our company, and that's what mattered. Giovanni had left us for dead without so much as a thanks and yes, there was a bitterness there, but it was greed that drove us, greed and a sense of false loyalty to a man who Ariana convinced me would return more glorious than ever. It's been three long years and there hasn't been a whisper of his whereabouts; we've made enough of an impact in the underground that it would be impossible for him not to notice how we've managed to cope without him. No matter how much she might say it, Giovanni cares for Team Rocket no longer. We shouldn't be wasting our time and resources in a attempt to bring him back when we have our own futures to take care of.

Archer sighed and took a deep breath, revelling in the sweet taste of fresh mountain air. However, it seemed not everybody was as interested in nature as Archer was.

"Hand over your wallet and no sudden movements."

A sharp pressure in the small of his back told Archer that this man was holding him at knife point, "You don't want to do this."

"Course I do, punk. Now hand over the wallet or things start to get messy." He lay a large greasy hand on Archer's shoulder to give him more leverage.

"Ah well, don't say I didn't warn you." Obviously this guy was new to the mugging business, Archer had an arm free, which he used to grab the muggers knife-holding hand, with a carefully placed squeeze he got the mugger to drop the knife, he then shifted his weight and used the muggers other arm to throw him onto the floor over his shoulder.

Archer then grabbed the knife and, keeping a hand over the mugger's mouth, plunged the blade through his forearm, getting it lodged in the hard ground. A few trickles of blood began to pool around the muggers arm and the colour began to drain from his pudgy face. "If you're going to do it, then do it properly." Archer said, standing over the man on the ground whimpering in pain. He was about to say something else when he heard a shout from behind him.

"Archer!" Ariana was running up to him from down the street, when she arrived she took one look at the man on the floor and gave the man standing over him a strange look.

"He tried to mug me, so I punished him." Archer said, nonchalantly.

Ariana knelt down and looked at the mugger, "He seems to have passed out."

"That'll be the blood loss" Archer replied, pointing towards the knife in his arm. "I'm sure you came here for a reason other than to give vagabonds diagnostic aid?"

Ariana stood and flashed a momentary look of frustration, "I had intended to hunt you down and give you a piece of my mind, but it seems you have something entirely more fun going on."

"What do you mean?"

Ariana smiled a frighteningly true smile, "I never knew you cared so little for your fellow man."

"It's a technique I perfected whilst working with you all these years."

"I'm so glad I could be of service." Ariana reached down and ripped the knife from the muggers arm, "Oops, I think I cut an artery" she said, her voice layered with false innocence, she brought the knife up to eye level, stared at it for a few seconds and licked the blood off the blade, "He tastes good."

Archer stared, entranced by the scene before him, Ariana flashed a smile and motioned for him to follow her. "Is your head clear?"

Archer looked up, "What do you mean?"

"Every time you wander outside you give me some line about 'clearing your head' so I assume that's why you're out here now."

"I just had to think some things over, I find it easier when I'm not swallowing recycled air."

"I find working out is a good way to blow off some steam. If you ever need some relief, my doors are always open."

Archer stayed silent.

"Now, get inside before anyone wakes up. I'm going to hit the gym."

"Do you ever sleep?"

"Not really."


***

No Archer does not have a blood fetish, it was one of those seductive eating things women do on television. But with blood.

I know it's weird and confusing, but that's why I posted it, so I could get some help for it. I've hit a mental wall with it myself and I find outside opinions always help.

 

[Citrinin]

Welcome to the PokéCommunity, and to the writing forum, Handmaiden. :) If you ever find yourself struggling, feel free to swing by the Writer's Lounge and we'll be more than happy to help you out. :)

and the cold wind that swept through the forest told anyone who wasn't wearing a thick sweater that it was early November.

I love the personification here. :3

some of the local wildlife had trouble knowing they were there

You need to put a "that" between "knowing" and "they" to introduce the subordinate clause.

Silently, the figure at the front held up a closed fist, the procession stopped immediately as their target came into view through the trees.

You'll need "and" between "fist" and "the", as they are two separate occurrences.

painted black pokéball

While I'm not entirely sure that this is grammatically incorrect, it is worded oddly. Perhaps "black-painted pokéball" would be better?

the leader spotting a security camera pointing right at them, he smiled under his mask and gave an 'okay' sign to the camera.

You need to put "and" between "at them" and "he smiled" to complete it as a list of actions.

'But maybe they've already disabled them' he thought, either way his arrogance was justified.

If you treat thoughts like dialogue (which is perfectly fine, by the way), you'll need a comma after "them". You also need to change the already existing comma into a semicolon, as it links two independent clauses.

His companion was already opening the door, 'she clearly has less faith in my planning than I'd hoped'.

You need to change "she" to "She", and put the full-stop (period) inside the quotation marks, as the thought can function as its own sentence.

He found her tapping her foot impatiently waiting for Team One to disable this particular security door, when it finally buzzed open, they were met by unrelenting grey.

This sentence seemed a bit too long. I would suggest separating into two sentences: "He found her tapping her foot impatiently waiting for Team One to disable this particular security door. When it finally buzzed open, they were met by unrelenting grey."

Folders were strewn all over desk, the waste paper basket was overflowing with crumpled up balls of paper and the carpet looked like it hadn't been hoovered for several months, bits of food were crushed into the fibres.

Again, there is too much information in one sentence. You need to break it up and make it more readable.

She swung round

Change "round" to "around", as it is a colloquialism.

blood red hair

Using clichés like this can make your writing seem stale and recycled. Although it's appropriate to use them in dialogue, you should try to make your descriptions more original.

Archer had always noticed similarities between Sinnoh natives and the people of Mahogany Town, perhaps it was the mountains.

The comma should be a semicolon, as it links two independent clauses.

she nodded appreciatively towards him,

This represents a break from the speech, not a description of the character in the process of saying it. Therefore, it functions as its own sentence, so "she" should be "She", and the comma should be a full-stop.

We will strike fear into the hearts of the common man again, Giovanni will rejoin us, all it will take is one bold move.

You should split this up like so, to make it more natural: "We will strike fear into the hearts of the common man again, and Giovanni will rejoin us. All it will take is one bold move."

"This really could have waited until morning" Petrel agreed.

There should be a comma after "morning".

Ariana turned as red as her hair, "Insubordination! You work on my timetable, not your own."

The first comma should be a full-stop. These are two separate sentences.

You aren't Giovanni, I owe no loyalty to you.

The comma should be a semicolon, as you are joining two independent clauses.

actually, if you like your face the way it's arranged I suggest you do it.

As this quote can function as its own sentence, it should start with a capital letter.

four am

This should be "four AM" (or "four A.M.").

Sometimes I wonder how I let Ariana talk me into doing this

Sentences should end with a full-stop.

Giovanni had left us for dead without so much as a thanks and yes, there was a bitterness there, but it was greed that drove us, greed and a sense of false loyalty to man who Ariana convinced me would return more glorious than ever.

"[T]o man" should be "to a man".

It's been three long years and there hasn't been a whisper of his whereabouts, we've made enough of an impact in the underground that it would be impossible for him not to notice how we've managed to cope without him.

The comma should be a semicolon (for the same reason as before). Essentially, there's a simple test. If you need to link two parts by a punctuation mark, if each part can stand alone as a sentence, the punctuation mark is a semicolon.

he lay a large greasy hand on Archer's shoulder to give him more leverage.

obviously this guy was new to the mugging business, Archer had an arm free, which he used to grab the muggers knife-holding hand, with a carefully placed squeeze he got the mugger to drop the knife, he then shifted his weight and used the muggers other arm to throw him onto the floor over his shoulder.

Sentences should start with a capital letter.

Also, you should give this fic a rating. Blood-eating and knife violence usually warrant some level of warning to potential readers.

OK, overall, the storylines converging together are interesting. You have a potentially good story here that is kind of spoiled by basic grammatical errors, many of which take the form of a long sentence separated only by commas. I recommend carefully re-reading your next chapter before you post it, and if you don't have an eye for detail, you should get a BETA Reader. The highlight for me was Archer, who seems to be an immensely interesting character, and I look forward to seeing how he develops.

 

[Handmaiden]

Damn, I forgot about the rating. I'll make sure to edit something into the first post. I write this stuff so much that it's become kinda regular to me, sensitisation ftw.

I'd like to thank you for the concise grammar check. I've never really been good with comma placement, semi-colon use and the likes. I will admit though that a few of these mistakes came from some last minute editing, deleting dialogue and changing a few small events. I must not have checked back over it as thoroughly as I'd hoped.

I'll see if I can edit all of the errors into my main copy when I've got the time, and hopefully I can make my commas behave :P

 

[Sgt Shock]

For your first post, I thoroughly believe that you will be popular on this forum. I'll be sure to follow your work closely since I can tell you right now, our writing's styles are similar. Enough with the introductions and welcome to the forums. This is my first (probably of many) reviews on Evol. Hope you enjoy....(Citrinin, it looks like I'm following you but I'm not by the way lol).

I can say that I enjoy the concept definitely. It brings something fresh to the table--much in the way I've seen many people in this forum has been doing lately. It's good to see people straying from the standard pokemon fan fiction. Though the need of a warning is there (believe me I forgot mine too ), I think people can omit that fact since you just got here.

I'm not sure if it is just me but it feels like it changed point of view for a brief moment in one point. I think that I know what you were doing by giving an inner thought of Archer. I will be sure the quote if you don't know what I mean. I can't right now. lol

A good idea to keep in mind is that you should use something like a centered "~" or "*" to signify a scene change. This isn't as important if it is a small scene change where the character is moving from one room or situation to another (two entered lines would be enough there) but when there is a actual scene change you need to make it obvious for the reader.

As for the characters, I think that they are authentic. I do not like to talk about the characters in the first chapter. The reason of this is that characters needs to be developed before a judgment is made. I like responding how the character changes each and every chapter. Look forward to that.

Anyway, I think I have rambled enough. Citrinin (you monster) took many of the grammatical errors that I was about the point out. But I'll be sure to review it again to see if I find some loose ends.

I am looking forward to the next chapter.

 

[Citrinin]

I'd like to thank you for the concise grammar check.

You're welcome. ^_^

I'd like to thank you for the concise grammar check. I've never really been good with comma placement, semi-colon use and the likes. I will admit though that a few of these mistakes came from some last minute editing, deleting dialogue and changing a few small events. I must not have checked back over it as thoroughly as I'd hoped.

Checking over one's writing is a lot easier when you've waited a fair amount of time since your last edit. It's inconvenient sometimes, but it does mean that you can reread without having the images and thoughts that you just imagined fresh in your head.

For your first post, I thoroughly believe that you will be popular on this forum.

(I wasn't here for it, so correct me if I'm wrong, but) I thought PMR was about trying to minimise clique effects, of which author popularity is one. x_x;

 

[Sgt Shock]

(I wasn't here for it, so correct me if I'm wrong, but) I thought PMR was about trying to minimise clique effects, of which author popularity is one. x_x;

I was more towards her work being popular. >_< Let me clarify or rephrase this rather: her work is going to be popular here I think. Everyone's work has the potential to be popular. I do not believe its the author that makes them, its their work. :D No author should be popular for name alone.

 

[Handmaiden]

I'm not sure if it is just me but it feels like it changed point of view for a brief moment in one point. I think that I know what you were doing by giving an inner thought of Archer. I will be sure the quote if you don't know what I mean. I can't right now. lol

I think what I was trying to do there was give the other side of things, because both Archer and Ariana are the main characters. In the first section (splinter cell ftw :P) I thought that I'd hovered over Archer too much so I moved on to see what Ariana was doing and what she thought about things. I don't want to make it seem that it's all about Archer, so I'm having both characters get roughly equal screen time. Thanks for the review.

I'm about half way done with grammar fixes and I should be able to get something done on the rest of this soon.