Exodus: The Mantle of Fire

Raichu Master

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    Okay, now I'm getting serious. Watch out! haha.

    I'm writing an actually book and I'm posting it here. This is just a ruff draft, so don't be too critical. It will be modified and edited for the real book. I'm alittle to busy right now. I'll post my first chapter later.
     
    Prelude: The New Evil​

    "Those puny mortals think they can defy me?" An evil man shrouded in darkness said looking down from his castle that sat on top of Mount Kelmeria (Kel-mir-e-ya).

    "My lord, what is your command?" A man said from behind him.

    "Desia (De-sigh-a)! Don't call me that! You are my most trusted man, you should know better than to a dress me by 'My Lord'." the evil man said laughing evily.

    "Sorry, Sorry Ezra (ah-zer-a)" Desia said bowing.

    "It's kind of sad if even my best friend can't call me by my name without fearing my might, isn't it?" He said laughing still.

    "I guess so." Desia said with a smirk and laughed too.

    "Bring my son Exodus here!" He demanded.

    "Why? He's only a new born baby!" Desia said thinking Ezra was thinking foolishness.

    "Because it is time that I give him his Dragon egg. It needs to grow up with him." He said serious as he looked at Desia with overpowering eyes.

    Desia cowarded alittle bit and then ran to fetch Exodus.

    When he returned with the baby in his arms, he handed Exodus over to Ezra. Ezra had an object shaped like an overgrown gem in his hand. It was red with black strikes through it. "Exodus! You are but small and pitiful now. But when the time comes you will rise above all including me and become the best dragon rider ever." He roared. Exodus just looked at him funny and Ezra handed him the dragon egg. "Now take him far away! Teleport him! Do whatever! I never even want to see that brat again! I did what I had to and that's all I'm doing for this wimp!" He yelled at Desia. Desia hesitated but then took the infant and teleported him far across the land, somewhere none of them would find him.


    There was a huge explosion in the forest next to a young farmers farm. When Daniel went to investigate, the whole village was at his side. He carefully strode towards the crater . When he got to the crater there was a baby, it was crying. Daniel looked at it trying to figure out if it was dangerous or even if it was human. Sure enough he figured out the baby was human and he took through town for the whole village to see. "What should we do with him?" An old lady said as he passed her.

    Daniel smiled and said, "I shall take care of him, and raise him as my own."

    "But what should you name him?" Another person said.

    Daniel examaned him. he noticed the child was branded with the name Exodus on the back of his left hand. "The child seems to have a name. But who would do this to a poor child? He is branded with the name Exodus on the back of his left hand." He said shocked.
     
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    It's very nice. it's well written, you even helped some readers in pronouncing the name XD. Anyway the only flaws I found is the spelling, just two though.

    "I guess so." Desia said with a smerk and laughed too.- smirk

    "Exodus! You are but small and petiful now.- I think it should be pitiful

    That's all I guess.
     
    Raichu Master said:
    Thanks for the lecture English Teacher! hahaha!

    I had asked not to be critical, I meant comment on the whole thing, not grammar. But hey! I could always use grammar lectures. I'll correct it.
    Click to expand...

    No, you asked not to be "to critical" XD

    Anyways, your off to a good start. I like it so far.
     
    I really don't know... Many many structural mistakes (i.e. ;it was crying, Desia cowarded a little bit), spelling mistakes (i.e. you should know better than to address me by 'My Lord', somewhere none of them would find him, said laughing evilly [oddly enough there's two 'l's', weird, huh?), possessive mistakes (i.e. young farmer's farm), and things of the sort. You change times on the reader frequently at that could be corrected. People of a so-said midievial age spoke in the manner by which you began, but then their tones became more modern. Stick with one for less confusion. People might be intimidated by the pronounciations, it makes most people think they're being talked down to like in a text book. They'll lose interest. Back to one of the mistakes I listed as structural: Desia cowarded a little bit. Cowarded is not a word... Perhaps you could word it in a way similar to this: Desia shrugged away out of cowardice. Something like that... All-in-all, this story is a diamond in the rough and I look forward to reading more.
     
    w00t the Goddess of Poetry has entered our realms.. *Bows to Blaine :)*

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    That is very nice Raichu Master.But why did he need a Dragon? o_O
     
    Looks like I need to pay more attention in English class! hahaha. It's just a rough draft. Blaine, you could be my editor! haha How about it? Only thing is your not allowed to edit other peoples post, so screw that idea.

    And as for the dragon egg. You shall see. I've been working on my book while my computer had a computer worm, it bypassed the firewall some how. So I was stuck off the computer cause the worm kept crashing my comp. until I got a patch now it's a okay. Hopefully.... Anyway, I have my first 3 chapters done, each is alittle over 7 pages. So it's going to be a pain in the butt to type. Blaine, think of all the grammar and spelling mistakes! hahaha
     
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