[Pokémon] Fires of Vengeance (PG 13)

[Hospitaller]

This is my first story out of school in a while. Don't surprised if it sucketh. Language may offend some and I'm a sucker for a good romance (Hint Hint) :P

Chapter one
No-one special

You know who your true friends are. Not because they're popular. Or cool. You'll know because when the time comes, and you have to make the choice... You'll give up everything for them.

'Shut up, you stupid nerd.' A boy, about fourteen, said while a boy sitting across the table from him was giving another pupil a lecture on the meaningfulness of Science and mathematics in battling.
'Um... Sorry, Bradley, I'll just... Be quiet.' He mumbled, picking up a pencil and continuing his sketch of a Bulbasaur, sitting quietly in the meadow.
'There's a reason why you don't have any friends, Adam. Everyone hates you. And do you know why?' Bradley said with an evil grin. 'Because people like you... Don't get friends. And when I say people like you, I mean the stupid dickheads who reckon they have friends.'
'I'd be so lucky.'
'Yeah, you got that right. Look at you... Pathetic.' The older boy kicked Adam off his stool, laughing. He strutted off, back to the crowd of friends he was always surrounded by. Adam blushed and stood up, gathering the drawings which had fallen out of his folder, and ran out of the room.

'I don't care what they say... They'll never crush my spirit.' Adam sighed, as he groomed his Vulpix, who was purring happily.
'Vul!' She cried, and leaped up and licked Adam on the face.
'Thanks, Vixen. You're a true friend.' Adam said, cutting a matt out from behind her ear. He'd arrived home to Vixen's happy cries, and he'd been grooming her for an hour or so. 'Ah, Vixen.. I'd love to be a Pokemon. No school, no bullies, no "Status". As long as I have you... I'll be fine.' He smiled.
'Vulpix!'

I'm standing on a mountain, looking down on a valley. There are hundreds of peole standing, facing away from me, and I look to see what they're seeing. A huge, blood-red wave was coming towards us impossibly fast. It wasn't water... It WAS blood. As it came closer, the trainers through their Pokeballs, sending out an army of Pokemon. I looked closer, and saw that... THINGS were coming out of it. they charged and attacked the trainers and their Pokemon with a savage ferocity. One of them sped up the mountain towards me... It was different to the other savage beasts. It was cloaked, and moved with a dreadful elegance. It reached me, and took down the black veil which covered it's face. It was MY face. And the people down there... They were all the people who ever hurt me. I laughed, and with an evil grin, I breather myself in, becoming pure evil...
'Masterrrr....'

Awakening with a gasp, Adam accidentally kicked Vixen off of his bed, sending her flying into the cupboard with a cry of indigantion. Adam looked at his hands... No blood. He rushed to the window and looked outside, looking for the wave... No. It was snowing, but there was no wave of red blood. He sighed with relief and picked Vixen up from the floor, placing her on the bed, where she lightly bit him. 'Sorry about that Vixen... I just... Got scared. Let's go back to sleep.' He sighed, slumping back into his bed. At that moment, a horrific creature, witha face that looked like it had been taken apart and out back together by a two year old, with blood oozing from the cracks and fangs the size of daggers, with an eternally creepy grin, with eyes of pure black and two holes which were a poor substitute for a nose. Adam gasped and closed his eyes, but when he opened them again, the beast was gone. He sighed and laughed at himself for believing that it was real. He closed his eyes and fell back to sleep.
'Masterrrr.....'

It's not all that long, I'll continue it tomorrow. Constructive criticism is welcome!

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[Giratina ♀]

First off: leave the font as it is. Even if you typed it up in Comic Sans, you can just press the little A/A button in the corner and delete the font code so that it reverts to the default font. Now that's out of the way, the review itself...

'Shut up, you stupid nerd.' A boy, about fourteen, said while a boy sitting across the table from him was giving another pupil a lecture on the meaningfulness of Science and mathematics in battling.

For one thing, this sentence could be split into two. The insult-slinging kid and the lecturing kid are the focuses of the sentence, and there should only be one focus. It doesn't help that the word 'boy' was used twice in seven words. And then for the big one, a mistake almost every writer (even myself) was guilty of at least once in their lives. And that is the fact that quotation marks don't change the sentence. The speech and the 'tag' (who's speaking) are still the same sentence even if the quotes are between them. Hence, the letter coming next should be lowercase. That means that instead of what you put up there it should have been...

"Shut up, you stupid nerd," a boy, about fourteen, said ...

OR, without the quotes...

Shut up, you stupid nerd, a boy, about fourteen, said ...

But NOT...

Shut up, you stupid nerd. a boy, about fourteen, said ...

Notice how the sentence directly above makes no sense without the quotes? The A isn't capitalized (which it shouldn't be) but there is clearly a period/full stop right before it. It's an easy mistake to make, but it really turns readers off.

'Um... Sorry, Bradley, I'll just... Be quiet.'

Here, you have two uses of the ellipsis (the dot-dot-dot thing). In the first instance you used it as a punctuation mark, which is okay. 'Um' is a totally different sentence than the rest, and the ellipsis was used to simply make it end the sentence like Adam was dragging the word into silence. But in the second the sentence continued after the ellipsis (which, in that context, meant he was stuttering) so the B shouldn't be capitalized, like so...

"Um... Sorry, Bradley, I'll just... be quiet."

Also, press the Enter key twice between each paragraph and five times when you want to switch scenes.

Bradley just picking fun on Adam seems a little... random. You might want to have Adam snap and yell at him for just why he was being such a jerk, and have Bradley reply with "I've told you a million times, moron, but this is what happened..." or something in a really mocking tone of voice. Use your characters to your advantage.

At that moment, a horrific creature, witha face that looked like it had been taken apart and out back together by a two year old, with blood oozing from the cracks and fangs the size of daggers, with an eternally creepy grin, with eyes of pure black and two holes which were a poor substitute for a nose.

So you say 'at that moment', which generally means something happens, and then you go into explaining the Stuffed Clown from Hell. What does it actually do? Does the thing just appear there? Say what the thing does in one sentence, then dedicate the rest of the paragraph - or better yet, start a new one... or no, better than that, describe it with actions - to explaining what it looks like.

You also need to acquaintance yourself with the proper use of a new paragraph. The thing I quoted above focused on an entirely different subject - that is, the Stuffed Clown from Hell - than the previous sentence - Adam waking up in the middle of the night. Whenever a paragraph is that big and you're not describing an epic fight, it should probably be chopped into smaller pieces.

Oh yes, and the constant reviewers' refrain: DESCRIBE STUFF! For example, you don't even tell us what Adam looks like. Since I have no mental image for him, my brain made one up... and the Adam inside my brain was a character from an entirely different story with the same first name. He is foul-tempered and not very nice, but also doggedly loyal to those he does like. Bradley conjures the image of a brown-haired kid in a black tee shirt who, in the original source, is actually a good-natured guy. And who knows what your other readers imagine? Give your characters definition. If you do that, people will (hopefully) remember what the characters look like in their heads as they read.

Other than the grammar errors, though, the story itself catches my interest. Work on your presentation of the story, and don't let it detract from the potential entertainment the rest of it provides!
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[Hospitaller]

You make many excellent points, thank you, I will apply these in my next post.

 

[Augustine]

With a few of the suggested gramatical improvements, this will be a great read. The begginning really sucked me in...I can't wait for more!