[Pokémon] Forever Changed

[TrueBolt]

Ray wached the trees blur by. Thats all there was to see now, trees, rocks, and streems that they ocasionaly crossed. thats all he'd sceen for the last hour. <Its gona be tough walking back all this way...> He thought to himself. Janet, the social worker who was driving, said "This was the best situation for all of us. Your uncle has no criminal record whatsoever, and will have lots of time to spend with you. He sounds like a nice guy if you ask me." Ray didnt anser. He'd herd everythig about 50 times already. "You'r uncle Space said that you can live with him now! You'r uncle Space wants to help you! You'l be realy happy there, way off in the forests! He's ritch to, so you can have almost anything you want!" Yaahhh... NOW he wanted to help. Ray didnt think so. He'd only met Space once when he came out of nowhere, to take them to dinner. His father didnt want to go, fut a free meal was to much to refuse. They went to a fancy resteraunt, and stuffed themselves, while his uncle talked about a big break he'd had in the gaming industry. His company was now planing to make Pokemon games on the new handheld Nintendo DS system, and they wer going to be a huge sucsess. His father kept ordering more food, while his mother listend quietly. After uncle Space paid the bill with his card,his father put as much food as he could in to-go boxes. Uncle Space left a hundred dolor bill on the table, and folowed them out to the cars, but as they walked out, his father said he forgot his keys and went back in. Ray looked back and saw his father slip the bill off the table, put it in his pocket, take the keys out, and walk back with his keys in his hand. Ray never forgot that. A few weeks later Ray got a pacage from his uncle with a new DS and Pokemon game in it. As he played it for the first time in his front yard, a big kid walked up, grabed it out of his hands and ran down the street with it. As he wached the kid run around the corner, he could here his parants screeming at eachother inside. Ray shook the memorys out of his head, as Janet turned onto a big long driveway leading into the trees. As they drove through the trees, a large house appeared. Not a mantion as he'd expected, but what looked like a four bedroom, two story house, like he'd seen in some of the classier neighborhoods they drove through to see Christmas lights. It was a deep forest green, with redish-brown trim, making it look like a modern version of the forest around it. Ray eyed it uncertainly. "You shure this is the right place?" he asked as Janet puled up beside an old pickup truck out front. "Im'e as scepticle as you are." She said regarding the beat-up Shevy with uncertainty. Just then the door to the house flew oppen, and uncle Space came joging out. He was dressed in kaki pants, and a camo T-shirt, with good tenis shoes on his feet. "Why helo there!" He said to Janet as she got out of the car. "I trust your drive here was plesant?" He said as he poped the trunk, and started hauling suitcases out."Uhhhh.... yah. It was great." Janet said glancing sidelong at Ray. "Good good! Well come along then! Lets get this stuff up to your room!" Space said as he joged back up the steps, and into the house. Ray and Janet stood by the car for a few seconds, before Janet asked "Do you realy want to stay here with this guy? He seems kinda... whacky." Ray could tell she was truley conscerned about him, and he thought about going back and trying to find a foster home, but decided it would be easyer to run away from here if he didnt like it (which he was sertain he woudent) than somewhere else. "Il give him a try. He IS ritch." Ray said shruging. "Ok. But you'v got my number just in case. Call me if you want me to come pick you up any time, day or night." She said as she picked up his last bag, and headed up the steps. Ray knew she realy did want to help him, but she could never send him back to his family like he realy wanted. Back before his dad got laid off, and his mother started drinking. His father had worked at a electronic manufacturing center, and only made it there by the skin of his teeth. When he got laid off, he couldent get work, and only got a few dolors doing odd jobs around the neighborhood. Things went down hill from there. Again he shook himself, and having nothing to cary, swalowed the lump in his throte, and walked up the steps and into the house.

 

[psyanic]

So far, nothing. Just a standard introduction, a bit shorter than most standards. But that's just what I'm used to. First and foremost, edit your story before posting. There are numerous amounts of spelling mistakes and some grammar. I'll point some out later on in this review.

You should also form paragraphs. All of your sentences are stuck in a massive block of text. One, it makes it harder to read. Two, it makes it hard to understand, which is like reading I suppose. Three, it's just messy and sloppy. Space out the sentences into well-structured paragraphs and separate them. Also, make sure that you press the enter button two times when you do this. Don't forget to space it out for dialogue as well, when the next bit of dialogue is a different speaker.

Ray just looks downright depressing. I don't feel pity for him at all. He got his DS stolen, his parents are in a crisis, and he has to move with his uncle. The problem is, he just looks like he'll take it and be done with it. He has no backbone. He didn't even try to chase the kid down when his DS was stolen. I would have chased that kid all the way to the end of the world if he stole my Pokemon game, unless he turned around and body slammed me and broke my nose at the same time, then I'll just call 911.

Ray wached the trees blur by. Thats all there was to see now, trees, rocks, and streems that they ocasionaly crossed. thats all he'd sceen for the last hour.

Correct spelling in the respective orders: watched, That's, streams, occasionally, that's, seen. You use "that's" since that is the conjunction for "that is". The others are just spelling mistakes. Mix up your sentences. You start with "That's" a lot, and it gets boring fast. Vary it, otherwise it'll turn off readers.

<Its gona be tough walking back all this way...> He thought to himself.
I need a space here
Janet, the social worker who was driving, said "This was the best situation for all of us. Your uncle has no criminal record whatsoever, and will have lots of time to spend with you. He sounds like a nice guy if you ask me." Ray didnt anser.

"It is" is the conjunction of "it's". You used "It's", which signifies possession. "Gona" should be spelled "gonna" if you're going to use that, but "gonna" isn't a word in the first place. It can still be used, if you want to emphasize accent or something. The next part is that you forgot the apostrophe for "didn't". And the "w" in "answer".

He'd herd everythig about 50 times already. "You'r uncle Space said that you can live with him now! You'r uncle Space wants to help you! You'l be realy happy there, way off in the forests! He's ritch to, so you can have almost anything you want!" Yaahhh... NOW he wanted to help. Ray didnt think so.

More spelling mistakes. In the order of the bolded print: heard, everything, your, you'll, really, rich, too, Yeah. The thing with the word that you used, "to", is the incorrect form in this situation. The form is "too" because that is the expression for a comparison. "To" is used for sentences like "he is going to ride his bike today," or "I sent this to her." Seeing that it is neither form, you use "too". These spelling errors recur a lot, so be sure to brush it up a bit.

He'd only met Space once when he came out of nowhere, to take them to dinner. His father didnt want to go, fut a free meal was to much to refuse. They went to a fancy resteraunt, and stuffed themselves, while his uncle talked about a big break he'd had in the gaming industry.

The first few bolded texts are incorrect spellings. The last part, "he'd", is different. You should just change that sentence to "a big break he had in the gaming industry." Remember, he'd is he would, and he would had does not make much sense. So just take out that conjunction and use "he".

I could go on and on with your spelling faults, but you'd get bored, and I'd get bored too. I suggest that you put this in a word document and see all your spelling incorrections, as well as proof-reading before posting.

Just then the door to the house flew oppen, and uncle Space came joging out. He was dressed in kaki pants, and a camo T-shirt, with good tenis shoes on his feet. "Why helo there!" He said to Janet as she got out of the car. "I trust your drive here was plesant?" He said as he poped the trunk, and started hauling suitcases out."Uhhhh.... yah. It was great." Janet said glancing sidelong at Ray. "Good good! Well come along then! Lets get this stuff up to your room!" Space said as he joged back up the steps, and into the house. Ray and Janet stood by the car for a few seconds, before Janet asked "Do you realy want to stay here with this guy? He seems kinda... whacky."

I don't see how an enthusiastic family member willing to take in his nephew would be weird. It seems pretty typical. If anything, Janet is the odd one, seeing that anyone willing to take in children are monsters and will probably eat the ones they foster. It just doesn't make sense. I could understand if Janet was simply worried, but this is over the limit. Keep it realistic is my point.

Ray knew she realy did want to help him, but she could never send him back to his family like he realy wanted. Back before his dad got laid off, and his mother started drinking. His father had worked at a electronic manufacturing center, and only made it there by the skin of his teeth. When he got laid off, he couldent get work, and only got a few dolors doing odd jobs around the neighborhood..

You have Janet with her concerned mother act, then you go back to explaining Ray's family situation. It looks unorganized more than anything. It just jumps up and down, from the present to the past, making me wonder when exactly is this happening. Keep it crisp and clean. The bolded sentence is not a sentence, it is a fragment, meaning that there is either no subject or a verb. In this case, there is no verb. Combine it with the next one. By the way, teeth don't have skin. Teeth are basically bones.

The thing about explaining Ray's family could have been utilized better as a prologue, where it's all happening in front of the reader rather than the narrator telling the readers what happened. It's more interesting that way and would help with the clutter.

I'll also add proofread, proofread, proofread. It helps and makes your writing look more professional if you catch most of your mistakes so reviewers only have to worry about the content rather than the mechanics. I suggest you get a beta-reader, if you so want, so that they could catch all your mistakes. There is a beta-thread in the Writer's Lounge subforum.

There isn't much here to expose the plot. The only fact we know is that Ray is poor, moving in with his rich uncle. That's about it. So I can't pick at that for now.

I'll see you around the forums, so keep on writing. I think I repeated a lot of things in my review, and if I did, sorry. I hate it when people nag at me, honestly, but I nag all the time. Isn't that just hypocritical? I'm getting off topic here so...

Good luck!

 

[TrueBolt]

Thanks Psyanic. I agree, my biggest problem is my spelling, and thank you for the advice. It was a very eye opening review and I will take it to heart. I have 8 more chapters on the way, so be ready!




I'm sorry everybody. Our internet was turned off, and I wasn't able to tell yall what was going on. I am infact creating a new begining in which you get a look at Ray's earlier childhood. I also have a whole other life here, but I admit I haven't been working on it as much as I could have been. If yall have more advice or ideas, please feel free to comment.