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Foriceliss

Sumomo & Kotoko

    • 1,947
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Seen Feb 14, 2012
    ~Dear, I to thee this diamond commend,
    In which a model of thyself I send.
    How just unto thy joints this circlet sitteth,
    So just thy face and shape my fancy fitteth.
    The touch will try this ring of purest gold,
    My touch tries thee, as pure though softer mold.
    That metal precious is, the stone is true,
    As true, and then how much more precious you.
    The gem is clear, and hath nor needs no foil,
    Thy face, nay more, thy fame is free from soil.
    You'll deem this dear, because from me you have it,
    I deem your faith more dear, because you gave it.
    This pointed diamond cuts glass and steel,
    Your love's like force in my firm heart I feel.
    But this, as all things else, time wastes with wearing,
    Where you my jewels multiply with bearing~    ​


    comments, critisizmz, and rates are welcome.XD
     
    i hate old english with thee's and thou's, they are not necessary and add confusion to the rhyme flow)
    i liked it i guess, otherwise i would have given it below a 5 if i didn't...

    nice wordz but they don't fit together, you tried to make it too ornate and it doesn't make since. that's like me writing a beautiful poem in spanish and asking someone to rate it... u used words in the wrong place too... for example:
    commend means to refer or give a good statement for someone or something, like if i said i commend you for your effort in writing this poem, it's saying i give you a plus for effort.

    you tried to use language so fancy that it all just jumbled... but it's not terrible just don't use words that you think you know the meaning of in your poemz unless you really know its etomology...
     
    it's like, you have rough talent, but you try too hard. next time you think about postin a new poem, could you send it to me so i can help you refine it? i can help out that way...
     
    hmm interesting, sounds very archaic which can work if you do it right. The only way I see this working is to seperate it into stanza and lose some of the words which obscure it. words like sitteth and fitteth, which arent archaic in origin. the "thees" and "thous" can stay but the other words that arent truly of the style can go.
     
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