1st Gen Generation I Pok?mon Analyses (20th Anniversary Special)

[Raburesu]

Generation I Pokémon Analyses (20th Anniversary Special)

Greetings, Trainers! I'm Loveless.

To commemorate Pokémon's 20th anniversary, as well as to celebrate the re-release of the Color Generation on the 3DS' Virtual Console, I've set out on a different sort of Pokémon journey: an in-depth look at every fully-evolved Pokémon (and Pikachu…) from the glitch-filled first generation!

Edit: Originally planned to be finished by February 27, 2016, the prodigious amount of time I've put in thus far has only produced writing on a mere 22% of the Pokémon I wanted to cover, rounded up… Combined with the fact that no one seems to be interested, I've decided to update gradually as part of the yearlong anniversary celebration. Train on!

Edit 6/22/2016: Various edits and corrections have been made to strengthen the integrity of the column. Some examples of errors include me saying Yellow gave Pikachu Surf when it was actually Stadium, and Pidgeot's Mega Drain being stronger than it actually would have been if it had received it (7th strongest instead of 9th/10th). Also, I am working to make the longer pieces less of a slog to read; I aim to remove anything that's only there for the sake of lengthening the word count without contributing anything meaningful.

Edit 9/20/2016: Holy crap, it's almost October... I haven't written a word in months...! >_<

I don't know if anyone is still reading or waiting, but... I at least wanted this to be something completed within the year...

My very own Intern Pikachu arrived in the mail last week, for my birthday from my girlfriend. She's so awesome~ I'm hoping his presence can motivate me to meet my lofty goal!

So, without further filler, I'll begin… at the beginning! (Ctrl+f is your friend here! Also, click on the watercolour art of your choice to view it in high quality! :pink_wink:)

The Starters:

#003: VENUSAUR
GRASS / POISON
HP: 80 | Atk: 82 | Def: 83 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 80 | Total: 425
​

The R/B sprite's flower is too big, making its head look small in comparison; in Yellow, it's the reverse. You cannot unsee!

You know what's insulting? Venusaur doesn't get Earthquake, while Charizard and Blastoise do! That's discrimination! Or something… It doesn't even learn it in the next generation! No, the poor bastard has to wait until FireRed/LeafGreen! Take a look at the list of Pokémon that can set off an Earthquake – among those that can are totally non-threatening wimps like Ekans and Diglett! Why can't Venusaur do it? Why, Game Freak?!

Oh well… At least Bulbasaur is still the best Starter.

It's ironic, then, that the Poké Ball containing it is rarely chosen, forsaken on Professor Oak's table… Humans, as you know, can be quite shallow; the coolest thing is what's most valuable. And what could be cooler than A TURTLE WITH FREAKING CANNONZ or A DRAGON A FLYING LIZARD? Certainly not a derpy dino thingamahwut with a pink flower on its back… :pink_frown: Come on, people! Pokémon isn't a beauty contest! …At least, not until Generation III…

Japan did it right – their first games were Pocket Monsters Red and Green. A localisation later, Venusaur was renovicted, its home on the cover rented to Blastoise. As with EQ, Venusaur would wait half a decade until the release of FireRed and LeafGreen, where justice was served – then, and only then, a North American game mascot it was! But then Game Freak went and ruined the music…

Why did Venusaur deserve its own version? Well, it has nothing to do with its advantage over the first two Gyms – in-game Trainers were created for players with ages in the single digits to brutalise. Admittedly, a bit of what makes it great can be attributed to the slapdash way in which RBY were designed.

Let's look at Razor Leaf, Venusaur's preferred main move: at first glance, it's only 82.5 Power after STAB, which isn't really up to scratch, but there's more to see. The way Critical Hits worked in RBY was bungled. Instead of their occurrence being tied to a fixed percentage for all Pokémon, each Pokémon's Critical Hit rate was instead dependant on Base Speed. Blistering monsters would score Crits like mad, slugs were **** outta luck. The formula for determining a Poké's Crit hax percentage is Base Speed / 512 * 100. But for moves like Razor Leaf, which are, insanely, 8 times more likely to be Critical, the formula becomes Base Speed / 64 * 100.

Venusaur has a Base Speed of 80, so its Razor Leaf will be a Critical Hit every single time! That's 165 Power* from 100 Base Special, with 25 PP! Being a Critical, it also bypasses opponents' stat boosts, and Light Screen/Reflect in this generation (Though it ignores your boosts, too, so don't bother with Growth). Isn't this already enough of a reason to shut up about Charizard pick Bulbasaur?!

But wait! There's more!

The Starters' final forms were given stats between the 70s and 80s across the board, except for one category each. Charizard got 100 Base Speed, which is good for Criticals, though it only has Slash; no STAB move. Blastoise was given too much defense in the wrong category, which hints at the usage of a dartboard to determine these numbers. And Venusaur? It was blessed with 100 Base Special, a statistic which governs what we know today as the Special Attack and Special Defense values. With such a Special, Mega Drain and Growth could be favoured over Razor Leaf due to Venusaur's bulk, with the latter being equivalent to the Calm Mind we know today; though I wouldn't advocate for these moves beyond novelty in Stadium.

Grass-types love them some status moves, and factoring in Parasect's ineptitude, Sleep Powder's the best you'll find for a snooze cannon. It's a shame Venusaur doesn't learn it until level 55…

Amusing novelties include the Toxic Leech Seed combo, due to an oversight with the counters for these moves – they both run off the same one! By this, I mean the damage dealt by Leech Seed will rise along with that caused by Toxic at the end of the turn. It goes without saying that this isn't highly recommended, though; in RBY, Toxic Poison reverts to regular Poison if the opponent should switch, and you can just OHKO in-game enemies anyway with your asinine Razor Leaf.

The only thing I can criticise Venusaur for is being weak to Psychic. Well, that, and its back sprite looking like 33.3% of a BLT. It's not the best Grass-Type in the game, but it's no Venusaur loser, either.


* Okay, so it isn't really 165 Power. Instead of doubling damage, Critical Hits in RBY temporarily double the attacker's level during damage calculation, which will approximately equate to their move dealing double damage. Why they couldn't just multiply the damage by 2, I couldn't tell ya…

#006: CHARIZARD
FIRE / FLYING
HP: 78 | Atk: 84 | Def: 78 | Spc: 85 | Spd: 100 | Total: 425​

That Yellow sprite, though… "No, worse! It'll go right to your thighs! …And then you'll blow up!" Speaking of Yellow, why couldn't Charizard Fly before it came out?! Was that not the purpose of the wings it sprouted when it surpassed Charmeleon?!

*sigh*

What can I possibly add to the conversation about Charizard? This one Pokémon is more overrated than every other overrated Pokémon, Ocarina of Time, Final Fantasy VII and Justin Trudeau put together! In its lore, it is said to endlessly seek 'worthy' opponents, never to turn the bite of its searing flames upon those beneath its unbridled might. In reality, Charizard is possessed by an overt superiority complex – it actually believes that it's as cool and powerful as enthusiasts make it out to be, further strengthening their convictions and ensuring Charizard has enough support to justify its overexposure via media and merchandise.

Charizard is a fan favourite for obvious psychological reasons. It hails from the yesteryears of countless players, persisting in their minds as nostalgia; raising a Charizard takes them back to a distant past where Charmander tagged along and shades of their journey awaited. It's a Starter, one's first Pokémon – perhaps one's first Pokémon ever – a partner with which Trainers tend to form stronger, lasting bonds. And, well, it's not quite a Dragon, but I'll admit it's wearing a decent costume! The only real Dragon in RBY was Dragonite, and that thing's damn near Barney… Thus, Charizard was the only representation of said mythical creature we could project ferocity onto, and that made it awesome. Following its ubiquity in all forms of media, exploiting the model of marketing to consumers' emotions, Charizard has risen up to become the most popular Pokémon in history, even receiving two Mega Evolutions in X/Y due to popularity alone!

Unfortunately, Charizard is like one of those books with interesting cover art, but disappointing content. At least compared to what's been enshrined in the minds of many as an impregnable dragon deity.

Charizard's typing isn't so hot defensively, compounded by fair-to-middling stats. Against Trainers worth their Poké Balls in any remotely competitive setting, something Charizard supposedly lives for, Blizzard/Ice Beam, Rock Slide, Surf and Thunderbolt slaughter it before it can assume a battle stance. That's right, Fire doesn't resist Ice in Generation I, so Charizard is hit for super effective damage instead of neutral!

Sure, it's the second fastest Fire-type, meaning all its attacks have a respectable 19.5% chance of being Criticals, but unlike Venusaur's murder weapon, Flamethrower/Fire Blast isn't a Critical every time, and Fire wasn't so valuable in a generation with no Steel to melt. (At least it learns Flamethrower naturally, though, because there's no TM for it in RBY! There was no Flamethrower TM until Crystal, in fact! Actually, that was a Move Tutor, after the Elite Four, no less…) Charizard's Speed is more than enough for its Slash to always be Critical – that's a nice 140 Power – though the move's Normal-type impacts its usefulness; no quadruple weaknesses to raise the power to 660...

Charizard can do better than Slash for physical damage, though. It has the honour of being the only Fire-type to learn Earthquake and Swords Dance, which go well with Body Slam and/or Hyper Beam (Remember, Criticals ignore stat boosts, so Slashing with Swords Dance would be stupid). The former's possibility to cause Paralysis is universally enjoyed, and the user of Hyper Beam need not recharge if its target dies, making RBY the first and last game in which you should employ this overrated move on this overrated Pokémon. In-game, you can even use Dig instead of Earthquake – it has 100 Power in this generation!

Speaking of Dig, let's talk about Fly. Please, don't be the ignoramus who argues Charizard is good because it can Fly – arm yourself with knowledge! Two-turn attacks are throwaways by design. Here are the positives: Charizard gets STAB on Fly, and barely anyone in-game is mentally sufficient enough to switch, so use it there, and there alone! Now, on to the negatives! The misconception with Fly is that it gives you a free turn. It doesn't. If you're slower than your foe, you get slapped in the face before taking to the sky, doing nothing to the opponent in return; now you've graciously offered your enemy the opening to swap in the Pokémon on his/her team best suited for dealing with your Charizard who's on the way down next turn. And all of that for 105 Power, likely to be resisted at this point? Some 'free turn…' If you're faster, congratulations, you didn't get smacked, but you still made the wrong life choice when you used Fly. Also, consider the fact that Fire already deals with two out of the three types Flying hurts… This is RBY – use Psychic to deal with Fighting! And practically everything else…

While I'm talking about suboptimal moves for in-game use, did you know Charizard can Toxic trap? Sort of… The Toxic Fire Spin combo is one that feels, well, weird coming from a Charizard, but it can pull it off all the same. Like most things, Fire Spin and company were quite different in Generation I. They didn't prevent switches, they prevented the victim from moving…! (Imagine if they did both…!) Fire Spin had 15 Power and 70% Accuracy, so if you're lucky, you can Badly Poison your foe before trapping it in a burning restraint – then watch as it languishes in purgatory for 2-5 turns~

For me, Charizard has been relegated to being a meter with which I measure stupidity. It isn't the strongest Pokémon – that's Mewtwo. It isn't the best Starter; you know who is. It isn't even the best Fire-type. What it is, is spoiled, and decent. Nothing more.

#009: BLASTOISE
MONO-WATER
HP: 79 | Atk: 83 | Def: 100 | Spc: 85 | Spd: 78 | Total: 425​

I caught the old Versus Books guide claim Blastoise is, "the best of the starters and the best all-around Water-type," verbatim. Well… Its back sprite is okay… which is saying something… Is that what they were talking about, maybe…? Please…?

No!

Blastoise was their personal pick for best Water-type! Do they hire people afflicted by delirium?! My favourite Pokémon book growing up is filled with lies…!

Based on what else was said throughout, I theorised this comment was made because the writer thought Water in general was good, and Blastoise is nothing if not generic, but then he/she says in the blurb about Vaporeon that, "Water-type Pokémon aren't too valuable," and calls it the worst Eeveelution! I have no words at this point…! Was Flareon sick on test day or something?!

…Actually, Vaporeon's movepool isn't much better than the pittance of goodness available to Blastoise, and Flareon'll never have 110 Special Defense again… Perhaps this writer isn't a fruitcake…!

There's just the small issue of Blastoise being the worst of the Starters and a mediocre-at-best Water-type… Hey, I'm as much a fan of the Squirtle Squad as any Trainer, but Game Freak made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirtle's leader into a fundamentally flawed wretch instead of a Super Boss. This was arguably for the best, though – if the first Water-type accessible was really the strongest, its existence would invalidate every other to come!

Blastoise's movepool is essentially a few droplets if you're after anything useable. Surf/Hydro Pump and Blizzard/Ice Beam are standard on literally every Water-type, yet they're the highlights of its weaponry! What makes you unique, Blastoise? …Earthquake?! Are you kidding? What's the point of giving Blastoise Earthquake and then not giving it to Venusaur?! Poison-types are atrocious except for Gengar (good luck against him), and Surf already covers Fire and Rock. Most Ground-types are on the Rocks, too, making Water the better choice for killing them, anyway! As for Electrics, they're all fast except Magneton, so enjoy that Thunderbolt.

Skull Bash… is cringeworthy. A Normal-type, two-turn move with 100 Power and 100 Accuracy… Don't use it. That is all.

Finally, have a look-see at Blastoise's stats. 100 Base Physical Defense, right? It resists Fire, Ice and Water; it's weak to Electric and Grass. THOSE ARE ALL SPECIAL TYPES!

Do yourself a favour: pick a bulky Water that can BoltBeam, with stats that actually make sense, m'kay?​

#025: PIKACHU
MONO-ELECTRIC
HP: 35 | Atk: 55 | Def: 30 | Spc: 50 | Spd: 90 | Total: 260

Back in the day, Pikachu's figure made Mario look thin!

I'm among those who will concede to Pikachu's appeal, and hate it. Sure, it's cute. I get it. So are innumerable other Pokémon, many of which don't lose consciousness from a single punch. While it fulfills its role as the series' mascot annoyingly admirably, speaking to its endearing design alone, it does so a little too well, according to the wallets of the world. I would gain much respect for Pikachu if it were to one day remove itself from all of the allergenic franchising and do some hardcore training for the future. If you compare its sprites throughout the years, perhaps it already has, but just look at its poor Base Stat Total! I know it gained 20 points in X/Y – 10 in both defenses – but it still needs more everywhere! (To its credit, it's a top-tier fighter in Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 64, having both speed and power. Yes, power. In fact, Pikachu's considered the best character in that game!)

Being one of few faces of introduction to our beloved series, with others also represented ad nauseam (such as Charizard), the ubiquitous image of Pikachu criminally perpetuates the notion that Pokémon is strictly for children, which is Tauroshit. Parents, or adults who don't grasp the concept of fun, see Pikachu and think, "Kids game," while fans look to the Poké Mart market oversaturated with Pikaproducts to find they have little to choose from to promote their interests. Ultimately, they might buy yellow rodent merch anyway, thinking, "Good enough," or "At least it's Pokémon…," powering the life-support system of this depressing corporate cycle.

If only detractors could see the countless spreadsheets full of hidden statistics or the complex strategic implications of team building and moveset construction… Too bad none of that is worth Pikapoop in-game, the only reason Pikachu can be tolerated as a Starter in Yellow. (Personally, I find it intolerable, though many others would disagree, to my shock.)

Blue won when he left the lab with an Eevee, a tragedy that could have been prevented had Oak not caught that meddling Pikachu and given Red the Eevee as he originally intended. Ask yourself: if you were playing Red or Blue, would you catch a Pikachu in Viridian Forest? Would you then refuse to ever evolve it? Would you… keep it on your team for the entire game in that state?!

The minds at GameFreak answered "no" to two of those questions; they knew something needed to be done. And so, Pikachu, among others, had its learnset tweaked in Yellow in an attempt to make it an acceptable Starter.

The attempt was unsuccessful.

With the release of Pokémon Yellow, Pikachu was the first and only Electric-type to learn Thunderbolt by leveling up (which is beyond stupid), something Pikachu itself commemorates if you speak to it following its enlightenment. In theory, it's a nice prospect, as you're free to use that 24th TM on something else. In practice, it's an irrelevant gain, as it does nothing to improve Pikachu's inferior combat ability; it could already use Thunderbolt. With its glorious 50 Special…

It now learns Thunder Wave at level 8 instead of 9! Wow! Isn't that groundbreaking?! …Well, not really, since the Ground-type is immune to Electric moves. *cue booing*

Other additions include Double Team at level 15, a shameless broken crutch, Light Screen, Slam and Tail Whip. Hold your applause! Unfortunately, I recall haplessly Slamming with my Pikachu (that's what she said…?) when I was a little one. What a miserable memory… A 25% chance of doing nothing but taking damage for the turn! With 35/30/50 in defenses?! And these moves are supposed to make Pikachu into a viable option?!

The most notable addition to Pikachu's skillset came not from Yellow, but the following year's Pokémon Stadium - Surf! Though, discouragingly, the move demands so much work of you to obtain, you'd never have it for the main story unless you were lucky enough to have received 1 of the 1000 Surfin' 'Chus distributed by Nintendo Power for a month in 1999… To legitimately teach your Pikachu Surf, you have to get far enough to compete in Round 2 of the Prime Cup's Master Ball level, and clear it with a team of unregistered Pokés (In other words, chosen directly from your Game Pak). Pikachu need only be selected for the final battle; it doesn't ever have to compete. Win, and a Move Tutor will cough up water. Only then a Surfing Pikachu will you be. At least Stadium's Doduo/Dodrio GameBoy can help speed up the grinding of the team you'll need for this… But is it even worth it…? Pikachu's would-be hobby has zero respect for your time.

Hilariously, CoroCoro distributed a Flying Pikachu in Japan, referencing the mousey mascot floating using balloons in the intro to Pokémon Yellow. Pikachu's only decent stat is its Speed, so the best you could hope for is going first, but… Seriously? A two-turn 70 Power Flying-type move on your Pikachu? Off 55 Base Attack?!

Speaking of Speed, Pikachu isn't even the fastest NFE Pokémon – it ties with Abra, Meowth and Ponyta, and is surpassed by Diglett, Voltorb, and if we're counting second stages, Haunter. It can't do anything better than anyone! High Speed being superfluous in-game due to common level advantages is the salt in that wound.

Pikachu just isn't worth keeping, even for Misty – those experience points are better off contributing to the totals of usable Pokémon. Well, that's what I would have said if Pikachu's happiness couldn't buy one a Bulbasaur, Kanto's best Starter! Escape Pikachu's mousetrap as soon as you've claimed it, though, I implore you! Leave the feckless fizzog of the franchise behind. In general.

Everyone Else:​

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#012: BUTTERFREE
BUG / FLYING
HP: 60 | Atk: 45 | Def: 50 | Spc: 80 | Spe: 70 | Total: 305
​

BEHOLD, MORTAL KNAVES! THE MIGHTY BUTTERFREE!

CAST YOUR MISERABLY FEEBLE EYES UPON WHAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY DIVINITY INCARNATE, ILL-BRED SWINE! REALISE YOUR OVERT IMPOTENCY IN THE PRESENCE OF THE PERFECTION THAT IS THIS CELESTIAL BEING'S UNFLAWED FORM, UNWASHED CRETIN! KNOW ETERNAL IGNOMINY IN YOUR WRETCHED LIFE AS YOU PERSIST IN OBSCURITY. BURY YOUR DECEASED PRIDE IN A GRAVE OF TEARS, CONDEMNED TO FOREVER CONTEMPLATE YOUR INDELIBLE FECKLESSNESS! BOW. DROP! FALL TO YOUR KNEES, JOINING SCORES OF WHORES AT BUTTERFREE'S FEET. WORSHIP THE BEAST WITH YOUR TONGUE UPON ITS HEELS AND BEG TO BE KEPT ALIVE.

BUTTERFREE'S EMERGENCE IS A PORTENT OF A BLOODY MASSACRE. SHARE IN THE FEAR ALL WHO LIVE EXPERIENCE AS THIS IRASCIBLE GOD OF DESTRUCTION AND PAIN MERCILESSLY RULES THE SKY IN WHICH IT TAKES FLIGHT, RUTHLESSLY LYNCHING THOSE IT WISHES ERASED FROM CREATION IN ITS WORLD FOR SEEMINGLY NO REASON, BRINGING IT JOY. YOUR TORTURE IS ITS BLISS AS IT RELENTLESSLY HUNTS YOU. WELCOME THE END!

A DISPLAY OF INSURRECTION OR BELLIGERENCE TOWARDS THIS HALLOWED ENTITY WILL RESULT IN THE PUBLIC SLAUGHTER OF ENTIRE FELLOWSHIPS. DESPONDENCE AND STARK PANIC MONOPOLISE THE WEAK MINDS OF FILTHY PLEBEIAN PIGS IMPUDENT ENOUGH TO INCUR THE SACRED ONE'S UMBRAGE. VICTIMS LAY WRITHING IN EXCRUCIATING DISTRESS WHEN FACED WITH THE BLESSED BUG LORD'S UNBRIDLED WRATH – INCORRIGIBLE MAGGOTS REDUCED TO QUAILING IN UNADULTERATED HORROR, TERRIFIED OF THE SADISTIC CORPORAL TORMENT WHICH PROMISES TO BE SLOW.

YOUR LIFE WILL COME TO A SCREAMING END IN THE MOST NIGHTMARISH AND BARBARIC OF HEINOUSNESS AT BUTTERFREE'S RED HANDS. THE BLOOD THAT ONCE RACED THROUGHOUT YOUR VEINS WILL CEASE TO FLOW, BEING SPLATTERED LIKE WASTED PAINT ACROSS UGLY WALLS AS BUTTERFREE SAVAGELY PLUNDERS THE HOLLOW MUSCULAR ORGAN RESPONSIBLE FOR PUMPING SAID CRIMSON FLUID THROUGH YOUR INFERIOR BODY FROM YOUR IMPALED CHEST, DEVOURING YOUR HEART IN FRONT OF YOU. MALEVOLENT CACKLING WILL BE HEARD.

ALL THOSE WHO DRAW BREATH SHALL BE ATOMISED INTO SILVERPOWDER FOR BUTTERFREE'S USAGE. "YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU ARE WORTHLESS!" THIS IS BUTTERFREE'S DOGMA. EVERYONE IS DAMNED; NO ONE SHALL BE SPARED. UPON A WHIM, YOUR BRUTALISED MASS SHALL BECOME THE AMBROSIAL NOURISHMENT FOR ITS LACK OF A MOUTH.

…

Okay, that was frivolous, but it would make my day if someone did a melodramatic reading of it on YouTube or the like in a deep, malign voice without laughing once (Do show your outtakes at the end, though!). Also, yes, it was hella verbose, and the SilverPowder (or any other held item) doesn't exist in Generation I. Don't hate! Appreciate!

I realise that a Pokémon that reaches its final form by level 10, found in the first Trainer-populated area in the game, is fated for PC Box oblivion, but this thing is still hideously terribad. Of all the emotions he might have felt, why the hell would Ash be sad to see it go in Bye Bye Butterfree? The only sad thing about that is the high probability of it ****ing that pink one and siring worthless children into the Pokémon world…!

Given the endless hordes of Poison-types you can encounter, I suppose Butterfree's decent enough in the very early game with level 10/12's Confusion, but it falls apart like a house of Pokémon cards soon after. In the company of the Starters (not counting Squirtle and Pikachu) and the Nidos, Butterfree is nowhere near worth raising.

What kind of dual-type Pokémon doesn't have a single attack corresponding to either type for it to harness STAB? That in and of itself is appalling, but even supposing it had a few, both types are Physical, and one look at the stupidity of Butterfree's deplorable 45 Base Attack is enough to kill the brain of anyone with eyes. It's a three-way tie between Butterfree, Mr. Mime and Onix for the second lowest Attack stat of any final form in the game. Though, Chansey's a special case, so to all intents and purposes, the aforementioned three are the weakest fully evolved Physical attackers in the first generation. It's gotta be the most non-threatening Hyper Beam I've ever yawned at! …Uh, well, Onix can't use that, nor would Mr. Mime ever use Physical attacks, but… you get the point.

The typing here is egregious. Bug and Flying are infamously among the worst offensive types in the game, and come together to form one of the most abysmal defensive typings out there, yielding pointless resistances (Well, the quadruple resistance to Grass isn't bad…) and six weaknesses – the highest total of any typing to exist! Factor in Butterfree's god-awful stats, resulting in its inability to endure even the faintest of punishment without sustaining severe mental trauma, and you're left with a poor excuse for a joke whose trivial positive features do little to salvage the humour.

The double Powder combo is decent (I'm talking about Sleep Powder and Stun Spore here, not Poison****ingPowder; it's garbage), though it can be employed by far superior Pokémon to much greater effect.

Also, Game Freak must have noticed Butterfree was going to hell in a handbasket, too, because they gave it Psychic… Unfortunately, not even a move that almost singlehandedly ruined an entire generation's game balance can save your ass when your Base Stat Total could use over 100 more points.

Mega flippin' Drain is the only other attack this diurnal duffer can learn that has any sort of worth on a usable moveset. 40 Base Power with no STAB off only 80 Base Special. Yikes. Nothing can better elucidate Butterfree's inescapably idiotic talent for being exceptionally feeble. The only respectable Pokémon that doesn't receive STAB on Mega Drain that has any business using it is Gengar. Venomoth? I said respectable Pokémon. Mew would never have anything to do with it because of its exhaustive movepool, and on Tentacruel, it's just stupid.

Even supposing you were to squander valuable, finite TMs on this, they won't magically falsify the fact that it's going to be eviscerated on the battlefield.

Despite the obvious fact that it's outclassed in everything it tries to do by Venomoth, I must confess that, in spite of my diatribe, I actually have sort of a soft spot for Butterfree; it's cute in a way only a bug can be. Regardless, nothing can change the fact that, if I stepped on it, it would die. But I guess that's a bug's life.

#015: BEEDRILL
BUG / POISON
HP: 65 | Atk: 80 | Def: 40 | Spc: 45 | Spd: 75 | Total: 305
​

There are Pokémon that can do what Butterfree does better. There is no Pokémon that can do what Beedrill does worse. Despite its belligerent appearance, it's actually less threatening than Butterfree – one of many arguments that can be made against those who blindly advocate for their favourites in combat. I couldn't believe it when I saw the Versus Books guide claim Butterfree, "Simply pales in comparison." I know, I keep talking about that book… It represents a time of ignorance about Pokémon that's interesting to review; everyone was so blissfully unaware of integral information. But, I digress. At least the cute one can inflict harmful status ailments! Here, we have a wasp with the impact of a mosquito and a movepool so full of garbage, there ain't a drop to drink.

Beedrill's typing is like Butterfree's: a death wish (although it only suffers 5 weakness instead of six…), and it's even frailer than the latter, so… Granted! Its signature move, Twineedle? Possibly the worst signature move ever designed! A two-hit combo with each lunge backed by 25 Base Power and a 20% chance of Poisoning the target… Well, at least it's a STAB move! Where's yours, Becelfree? Ah, well… At least you don't inflict the worst status in the game with the worst signature move in the game. Poisoning enemy Trainers' Pokémon is superfluous when you can knock them out in a single hit. Oh wait, Beedrill can't do that… Which is why you should, I dunno, use something else…?! Poison is such a terrible status, it actually benefits the 'afflicted' Poké, immunising it to far deadlier ailments!

While Beedrill's Twineedle does hurt a tad more than Butterfree's upboosted Confusion, that's the best Beedrill can do, whereas Butterfree can upgrade to Psychic, if you're so inclined, and it can inflict the most useful status for in-game purposes as early as level 17, 15 for Yellow players. Beedrill can't put anyone to sleep or paralyze anything, ever – all it can do is save its opponents from those misfortunes!

Remember Butterfree's only other 'useful' move? Well, Beedrill's Mega Drain is even weaker. It's the weakest Mega Drain in the game, actually! Wonderful. Too bad there's nothing else of interest in its irrelevant selection of moves… Yes, it's that bad. Well, okay, it's meant to pump itself up with Swords Dance (and Agility, if you're playing competitively) and then go to town to penetrate everything (Uh…), but explain to me how it will avoid the inevitable single blow that would smear it on the frontline like peanut butter on toast? Doesn't mean you shouldn't make it your life's goal to defeat an opponent's Mewtwo with a +6 Twineedle!

Fun fact: In the following generation, when the Steel-type is introduced, Twineedle is able to Poison them, despite Steel-types being immune to Poison. It can also Poison Poison-types, which are also immune to Poison. Don't you love this series?

#018: PIDGEOT
NORMAL / FLYING
HP: 83 | Atk: 80 | Def: 75 | Spc: 70 | Spd: 91 | Total: 399​

Why can't this thing Peck? It's a giant clay pigeon! And why is Gust Normal?! Bulbasaur can take it, guys…

Ah, Blue's annoying lead, a sand-hurling ***** that remains among his ranks until the very end – a choice I'll never understand… Amongst the Normal/Flying quartet in Generation I, Pidgeot is the second worst member. Its defenses are the best amid the bunch, though that's not at all worthy of praise when you review the competition. The lacklustre losers are as follows: Fearow with defenses of 65/65/61, Dodrio at 60/70/60, and finally, the Pokégodawful Farfetch'd with 52/55/58. Congratulations, birdies! None of you will survive a super effective! :)

The rest of Pidgeot's stats fail to impress, too – particularly its highest one, Speed. It's okay, but it's said to be capable of reaching Mach 2 at top speed…! So, the equivalent of Mach 2 in Pokémon Base Stats is just one point faster than the likes of Pikachu?! Consider my mind blown.

Sure, 91 Base Speed grants all of Pidgeot's attacks a 17.8% chance of doing double damage, but the onslaughts of both Fearow and Dodrio have a slightly higher 19.5% chance of inflicting greater pain, what with their superior Attack scores – 90 and 110, respectively.

Speaking of Pidgeot's attacks, well, shit… There aren't many of 'em. Not even an acceptable Flying STAB – Wing Attack has 35 Power in this game! As for Fly and Sky Attack… They're Fly and Sky Attack! Yup, all you've got to work with are moves with no type coverage, like Double-Edge and Hyper Beam. That's right, it doesn't learn Body Slam! What are you waiting for?! Electrocute it out of its misery!

Those at Versus Books are sure this evolutionary line can learn Mega Drain, according to their 'Perfect Guide's' Poké Dex. Given Pidgeot's signature move, Mirror Move, is a technique that only highlights the unfilled void in its movepool, Mega Drain might have been decent filler if it were true! It would have been the 9th (or 10th, depending on how you want to look at it*) strongest Mega Drain in the game…! {D:} Yeah, that would make Pidgeot worth a damn… >_> At least its typing has the most immunities in the game, right…?


* Being the Pokémanniac that I am, I figured out a sort of Mega Drain power tier list for the fully evolved Pokémon that learn the move. I invite you to dispute my rankings, particularly #6. Behold:

1. Exeggcutor - 125 Special + STAB
2. Gengar - 130 Special
3. Tentacruel - 120 Special
4. Tangela / Venusaur / Victreebel / Vileplume - 100 Special + STAB
5. Mew - 100 Special
6. Parasect 80 Special + STAB / Venomoth - 90 Special
7. Butterfree - 80 Special
8. Golbat - 75 Special
9. Arbok - 65 Special
10. Beedrill - 45 Special

#020: RATICATE
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 55 | Atk: 81 | Def: 60 | Spc: 50 | Spd: 97 | Total: 343​

When you represent a species whose members starve to death following an encounter with a sticky sheet of paper.

To quote Megatron, "I can suffer your treachery… but not your incompetence!" Being exemplary models of both, Raticate and its Rocket masters crash and burn together. If not for its signature move, Super Fang* – destined to join meta-weaponry from HeartGold and SoulSilver onward – Raticate would vanish from my memory. I know Kanto is infested with Rattata, but I strive to eraticate abominations from my mind.

If you're like me, you'll want to end the lives of your adversaries in a single blow, with little effort. Super Fang cuts its target's health in half, so it isn't recommended for your in-game purposes; though, neither is Raticate… At higher levels of play, Raticate has neither the stats nor the typing required to masterfully employ the technique it pioneered.

While Hyper Fang is respectable at 120 Power after STAB with 90% Accuracy, and comes as early as level 14, Body Slam's Power, Accuracy and added effect are all improvements. Still, the 10% Flinch chance of the former isn't bad, and wasting the real treasure of the S.S. Anne on this vermin is enough to plead insanity to a jury. If you are indeed crazy enough to include Raticate on your team, you might consider Dig, the only attack with type coverage in its movepool to make use of its bearable Attack stat. Boasting the 8th highest Base Speed in the game, with a Crit hax percentage of 18.9%, lamer forces exist, unfortunately.

The flavour text for Raticate in Yellow's Poké Dex claims it swims rivers to hunt, yet it can't learn Surf… It can BubbleBeam, but fails to take Persian's place.

I think it's hilarious that this thing can BoltBeam… Picture a giant rat throwing massive bolts of electricity and loosing freezing blasts from its gaping mouth…! Sadly, its disappointing Special doesn't exactly support that image, 'cause it sounds terrifyingly amusing! There are weaker BoltBeamers, shockingly – namely, Kangaskhan and Rhydon – and Raticate ties with Wigglytuff, but when all you can say is that you aren't the worst, you should simply stay silent.

*cue Trainer battle theme* What's this? A Rocket Grunt with a level 16 Raticate in Mt. Moon?! {D:} (Only in Red and Blue; his lineup was changed to a level 13 Rattata and Zubat in Yellow, FireRed and LeafGreen) While that might seem intimidating, it's only by virtue of your low selection of acceptable Pokémon at that point; it's like comparing your garbage to your recycling. I don't give a hoot if Blue's Raticate died or not, but supposing it did, he's better off.


* Which can hit Ghosts in this game because those at Game Freak playtest drunk…​

#022: FEAROW
NORMAL / FLYING
HP: 65 | Atk: 90 | Def: 65 | Spc: 61 | Spd: 100 | Total: 381​

Ho-Oh…?! Uh-oh… Oh, no… It's just Fearow… No flying ****s given!

So they Normalised Pidgey's Gust, but empowered Spearow to Peck from birth… >_> Given the latter's 10% rarity on the first Route it appears on, Bulbasaur need not despair. Unlike Pidgeot, who's in line for power tantamount to Peck (Wing Attack) until level 31! If you want it sooner, you have to keep an unevolved Pidgey until level 28! For 52.5 Power with STAB! I suppose that's what roleplaying as a Pokémon NPC would be like…

Regardless of which Normal Flyer you pick, it's a bland, frustratingly pointless struggle through **** like Whirlwind for Pidgeot and Fury Attack for Fearow before anything eventful enters your bird's brain, including the insulting development of Fearow learning Pidgeot's signature move 29 levels sooner!

Enter Drill Peck, the Flying-type's only reasonable option (And it's just a Strength clone…). A mere 3 levels after Pidgeot finally attains Pecking power, Fearow ascends higher than Pidgeot forever by the power of Drill Peck. And it already evolved into its final form 16 levels faster, inexplicably gaining better stats in the process…

Before I continue, know this: Dodrio's presence in Kanto makes all other Normal/Flying-types redundant.

Here's the short story: Dodrio gets Body Slam and Drill Peck. The other two don't. Hell, that miserable Pidgeot doesn't learn either! So, I beseech you, or whatever: raise a Dodrio if you really want a Normal/Flying Pokémon (I fail to see why you would...). I don't care if you have to wait until Route 16!

The overlapping similarities found in Generation I designs is a trend that leaves many a Poké with no reason to exist. As the beginning of the series, the variety of Pokémon in this installment is understandably limited, but arguably more significant is the paltry collection of viable moves. As the series progressed, we were introduced to more and more compelling techniques, as well as those designed solely for early-game screen time to create a balance of power. Looking at the abundance of waste in the original games, that balance had yet to materialise. Of the 164 moves in RBY – 165 if we're counting Struggle – at least two thirds of them are completely worthless. Too often are they not meaningfully distinct enough to promote their use. And oftentimes, the damage they inflict is so negligible it's irritating.

Just take a look at the quantity of Normal attacks robbed of purpose by Body Slam:

• Barrage
• Bite
• Comet Punch
• Constrict
• Cut
• Dizzy Punch
• DoubleSlap
• Egg Bomb (Exeggutor doesn't need 100 Power with 75% Accuracy)
• Fury Attack
• Fury Swipes
• Gust
• Headbutt
• Horn Attack
• Hyper Fang
• Karate Chop (Yes, it's Normal in RBY… WHY?!)
• Mega Kick (Not even 120 Power is worth 75% Accuracy; it might have been had the move been Fighting!)
• Mega Punch
• Pay Day
• Pound
• Rage
• Razor Wind
• Scratch
• Skull Bash
• Slam
• Spike Cannon (Okay, only Cloyser gets this, and it doesn't learn Body Slam, but Spike Cannon isn't worth anything)
• Splash (Yes, it does nothing – that's the point!)
• Stomp
• Strength
• Swift (You're going to run this over Body Slam for the few times Evasion could potentially become a problem?)
• Tackle
• Thrash
• Tri Attack
• Vice Grip

33 moves out of 164, and that's only those of the Normal-type. I'm not even done.

• Quick Attack is filler for Pokés with no movepool
• Slash is only recommended for Pokemon with Base Speed over 64 that don't learn Body Slam and/or Swords Dance – namely, Dugtrio, Persian and Scyther
• Double-Edge makes Take Down worthless, and is only chosen over Body Slam when a Pokemon is pitifully weak or doesn't learn Body Slam, like Pidgeot and Fearow
• Hyper Beam, Self-Destruct and Explosion are finishing moves
• Horn Drill and Guillotine are moronic in-game and banned in most competitive circles

So, basically… You should just use Body Slam. Unless you can't… Like Fearow… Wait, I'm supposed to be talking about it, aren't I? {D:}

Well, there isn't much more to say… It can't sustain much harm, but it'll often go first with Speed equal to Dodrio's, complete with a respectable 19.5% Crit rate. Of course, it's wasted on a Pokémon lacking useful tools of war. Just ignore the dodostrich cerberus that exceeds its Attack by 20 and be happy it ain't Pidgeot…

…Actually, don't - Fearow isn't much better.

Some trivia: Fearow's Japanese name can be translated as Demondrill… Had it kept that name after localisation, Pidgeot would've been the forgotten bird, instead of the reverse, methinks. I also think you should forget about both of them – they aren't worth remembering.

#024: ARBOK
MONO-POISON
HP: 60 | Atk: 85 | Def: 69 | Spc: 65 | Spd: 80 | Total: 359​

Apparently, six variants of the 'intimidating' patterns which adorn its belly exist to strike fear in the hearts of cowards the world over! Know that fear lives only in your minds, little Pokés! Rise up and strike Arbok down!

As if it's so difficult; this snake seriously sucks. It offers Trainers the worst typing in the game, intensified by deplorable stats. When you suffer double damage from Psychic, the game's best Special attack, and from Earthquake, the strongest Physical attack to score super effectives, perhaps bravado is necessary, if only for tricking the uninitiated.

But we are initiated, aren't we, Bruce?

At least Arbok's movepool is less hollow than that of other meaningless Pokémon I've verbally harmed thus far. Earthquake and Rock Slide live within, and while Glare is simply a Normal-type Stun Spore clone (which unintentionally Paralyzes Ghosts), it's unique to Arbok, while Wrap is a thematic inclusion. I would appreciate these conceptually relevant distinctions more if only this serpent were as petrifying as an eleven foot-long cobra deserves to be.

Glare will Paralyze its target 75% of the time, but Thunder Wave will never fail* unless the opponent is a Ground-type. The suggestion here is obvious.

Arbok's Base Speed of 80 is the 15th highest in the game… I say that's somewhat lacking for it to be an effective partial trapper; of course, that's merely conjecture. :) Sure, Wrap can be combined with Toxic for fun in-game, but you've gotta be quicker on your, uh, body for it to work against a human player – and even there, your opponent need only switch until you miss to exploit your bottom-tier guard.

The catch is that Arbok is one in a minority of Pokémon that can induce Paralysis and partial trap. The others are Dragonite with Thunder Wave and Wrap, Tangela with Stun Spore and Bind, and Victreebel with Stun Spore and Wrap. Not a single one of them would allow their name to be included in a group of which Arbok is a part, and I sincerely apologise for doing so.


* Actually, with the exception of Swift, every move in the game can potentially miss in RBY, even though some are stated to have 100% Accuracy. Why? Whenever the game is asked to determine whether or not an attack will connect, it multiplies the Accuracy of the attack being used by 2.55 - we'll call the answer 'x.' Next, the game randomly generates a number between 0 and 255. If the number generated is lower than 'x,' the move will connect, but if it ends up being equal to or higher, it'll miss! So what happens when you multiply a supposed Accuracy of 100 by 2.55? Well, yeah, you get 255, which is a possible number that the game will generate 0.4% of the time. This warps the advertised perfect Accuracy of certain moves into 99.6% in reality. All that needed to be done to correct this was to allow moves to hit if 'x' is lower or equal to the number randomly generated, but the limited hardware wouldn't allow it…

#026: RAICHU
MONO-ELECTRIC
HP: 60 | Atk: 90 | Def: 55 | Spc: 90 | Spd: 100 | Total: 395​

"Is that, like, Mega Pikachu?"

"No, it's Stoned Pikachu."

"Oh…"

You were thinking I'd phone this one in after I vilified the mascot. Who do you think I am?! Raichu is neglected, and it demands my judgment! You can't silence me! (Incidentally, I bought my girlfriend a Pikachu tee for Christmas, so you've this hypocrite's permission to lexically crucify me…)

While Pikachu is like a celebrated J-Pop Star, Raichu is closer to one of those local bands that, like, seventeen people on earth even care about. The latter's absence from mainstream interest makes it inherently cooler than Pikachu, in my opinionated opinion, although I'm not blind. I don't need to be told that there's no correlation between how Pokémon are perceived based on appearance or commercializing, and what they're objectively worth, if anything. Though evolving nearly doubled certain stats, with all but Speed well-amplified, Raichu is only a marginal upgrade for its feeble former form. A 135 point gap is created, yet the only difference to experience is maybe dying in two hits instead of one.

Fortunately, positives can be penciled in on the pro side of the list should you manage to get Raichu in the water (requiring an entire playthrough and more… >_>). It's actually the second fastest Surfer in the game! …Tied with Mew and Tentacruel, of course; only Starmie can hustle past said trio. Even without STAB, 90 Base Special is adequate for razing defenseless Fires and Rocks to the ground. Oh, and Ground-types, too! Running with 100 Base Speed, no other Electric in Generation I can outpace nearly all of its hard counters and destroy them in a single shot. Of the Pokés weak to Water, only Aerodactyl, who has no Earthquake this time, Dugtrio, who does, and Rapidash can slap Raichu's cheeks before they're washed away like Hyrule. Charizard and Ninetails match its Speed, but only the lizard poses a threat. Among Electric-type company, Raichu's Speed is the second lowest of the final forms, but you can't ignore that Critical percentage – a Thunderbolt with a 19.5% chance of twice the zap on top of its 10% Paralysis rate is kinda scary.

Problem is, Electabuzz has Psychic, Electrode goes boom, Jolteon is exceptional and Zapdos is a god. Kangaroochu is… just an Electric-type without Surf, and a disposable Pokémon in general. Raichu's like a child that won't shut up about getting into Surfing, and you, the Trainer, playing a parental role, have neither the time nor the patience necessary to support your little one's fun… :( Worst case scenario, you're playing Yellow, where, in addition to untold hours of fighting just to get the damn board, you have to trade your Pikachu to Red or Blue, have $2100 spendable to evolve it, and then trade for it back. Should Raichu be unable to pursue the favourite aquatic sport of its past self, Electrode and Magneton suddenly look attractive… That's frightening. Though, since those two lack the sexy Body with which to Slam, Raichu's still a catch.

Apparently, I'm of the opinion that movepools aren't hollow so long as they can fill a set… That's just depressing… >_> As is the fact that Raichu's Speed and Physical prowess are identical to that of Fearow. Give that a moment. While you do, entertain this controversial thought: if it's within your power to do so, cheat to obtain a Surfing Raichu. Normally, I'm not one to advocate for that, but let's make waves for a second look at the forsaken with an open mind. While Lanturn's precursor will never amass Pikachu's cult following, it is infinitely more competent. Be afraid, Rhydon!

#028: SANDSLASH
MONO-GROUND
HP: 75 | Atk: 100 | Def: 110 | Spc: 55 | Spd: 65 | Total: 405​

Obvious Super Saiyan 3 reference.

A Base Stat over 100…?! Finally! After amassing a word count in the several thousands sifting through otiose Pokémon, at last, something worth catching! …Okay, granted, the Nidos are available prior to Route 3/4, but Sandslash precedes them in Dex order, so I'll speak my piece on it first.

Physically and culturally underground, Sandslash is a forgotten Pokémon who is rarely remembered. The Poké Dex tells of its ability to roll about after curling itself into a ball, so think of Sandslash like Pokémon's Samus! With plump quills! That's memorable, right? …Wait, who am I to tell you what is memorable?

In the titanic presence of the explosive Golem and menacing Rhydon, Sandslash remains a formidable competitor. While its lack of a secondary typing leaves it sort of jealous of those with STAB on Rock Slide, it has no quadruple weaknesses to speak of. Sure, even the second fastest mono-Ground (No, really!) can't run from its aversion to Special attacks, but Sandslash isn't thrust into a state of mind-consuming panic at the mere sight of Grass and Water like the boulder and the rhino. It would have resisted Fire-, Flying- and Normal-type attacks if not for its singular typing, but in exchange, it isn't bothered much by Earthquakes (Or Fighting-type moves, but who pays any attention to that dismal typing?).

What's cool about Sandslash is that it's relatively unique (an appreciated quality in RBY) – it's the only Ground-type to learn Swords Dance! This ironically deters the use of its distinguishing claws for Slashing; that's Dugtrio's dig, anyway, somehow. A Base Speed of 64 is needed to pass the Critical test, but graduating with a 51 does not inspire confidence. What would you rather employ? A passable Speed for a 140 Power attack with zero type coverage or added effect, or a tribal ritualistic performance which doubles an already respectable Attack stat? The latter remedies a somewhat lacking Rock Slide and empowers an already threatening Earthquake. And then, of course, there's Body Slam…

Only downside is, the natural learnset of Sandslash contains absolutely nothing of value, except for Slash, at level 17; it'll have to do as filler for what will seem like a dragging era in time… Cerulean City offers the Dig TM early, if you can't wait for Earthquake, but Rock Slide is in Celadon, and Swords Dance is in the Silph Tower…

Also, Sandslash is slow; while the only Grass-types to outspeed it are Venusaur and Victreebel, the only Ice- and Water-types that don't are Lapras, Omastar and Slowbro (and Vaporeon ties). Thankfully, Speed isn't much of a concern in-game, and even when it is, Paralysis support from its team keeps Sandslash viable. Hide it from anything Specially-inclined, and it'll tear shit up.

Awesome R/B sprite, by the way – one of the few!

#031: NIDOQUEEN
POISON / GROUND
HP: 90 | Atk: 82 | Def: 87 | Spc: 75 | Spd: 76 | Total: 410​

Fighting phallocentrism since 1996.

You thought mono-Poison was an appalling typing? Behold the first half of an indivisible duo weak to Blizzard, Earthquake and Psychic, RBY's triad of eminence, as well as Surf, an attack that can be taught to as many able Pokémon as your enemies desire without the need for multiple playthroughs or cheating. Factor in the nonexistent gain of an entire STAB type's worth of coverage, and rather modest stats, and Nidoqueen seems appropriate as an early-game acquisition. Even Butterfree surpasses her Special…! All hail the Queen of mediocrity!

In defiance of her limitations, Nidoqueen points to one of RBY's largest movepools – you know she owns that thing, hey? …Well, co-owns, with the King… Aside from irritatingly perpetuating gender stereotypes, I just don't understand why Nidoqueen and Nidoking had to be separate Pokémon; they're so bloody similar, it's inane. No, "They're counterparts!" is not an acceptable reason if you can't be bothered to differentiate them in any meaningful way. With natural learnsets differing only in the garbage they hold, and TM compatibility lists which are fucking identical, what we're left with is one good Pokémon, and another almost-as-good Pokémon that doesn't really have any place in the world. The Queen of the Nido kingdom vies with her King for your subjugation, well-informed in the way of Generation I combat – she knows there's little intricacy. Here, you kill, and you do it fast. Nidoking simply does that better…! And, no, the Nidos technically introducing genders isn't a valid reason to be this lazy with monster designs, either.

Now, to sing Nidoqueen's praises! :pink_smile: You wouldn't think so at this point, but she's a favourite of mine.

Like her King, Nidoqueen is a small force of nature, with the potential to unleash the strongest onslaughts of Electricity, Fire, Ice and Water Game Freak would allow, in addition to her STAB-backed Earthquake and admittedly weak Rock Slide. Of all 15 types in Generation I, Nidoqueen's armoury covers 12 of them, the few with impunity being Fighting, Ghost, and of course, Psychic.

Yes, she learns Earthquake, as one would hope (because it's not enough to simply expect anything in RBY), but she doesn't learn Dig, preventing a situation in which you would potentially find yourself with a fully-evolved Pokémon packing a 150 Power move with 100% Accuracy and 10 PP before the second Gym. Not that you'd outspeed Misty's Starmie… Speaking of evolving, can someone please explain to me what in the blue fuck this couple has to do with the moon?!

Ideally, you'll be raising a Nido in Yellow, as they both learn Double Kick at level 12 there, as opposed to level 43 in Red and Blue, at which point you'd have evolved your Poison Pin Poké long ago and it would cease gaining moves naturally. In Nidoqueen's case, there is one notable exception to that cessation: Body Slam, at level 23. Yeah, she learns Body Slam naturally! Isn't that awesome?! There are only five other Pokémon that can do that (six if we're counting evolved forms): Jigglypuff at level 34, Jynx at level 39, Lapras at level 25, Poliwag/Poliwhirl at level 31 and 33 respectively, and Snorlax at level 35. A fully-evolved Pokémon with Body Slam and Double Kick by Cerulean City is cool in my book. Which I haven't written, yet, because I'm too busy writing this! Damn it… Anyway… I might even give Nidoqueen the Water Gun TM (Yes, that's really a thing!) at that point in the game, just for some extra coverage.

By the by, Nidoqueen was in The First Movie. So, take that, Nidoking!

#034: NIDOKING
POISON / GROUND
HP: 81 | Atk: 92 | Def: 77 | Spc: 75 | Spd: 85 | Total: 410​

Ken Sugimori's original watercolor artwork of Nidoking is the epitome of BAMF.

Aside from his more aggressive stat spread, and the trivial differences I could list on one hand's fingers, this King and Queen are the exact same Pokémon. They both threaten elemental ruination with equal force, though Nidoking's Physical attacks will carve more out of its victims HP. Should you want one of those attacks to be Body Slam, you'll have to use your only TM, though you likely won't find it as compelling among the plentiful options available to this beast.

Red and Blue's Poké Dex entry: It uses its powerful tail in battle to smash, constrict, then break the prey's bones.

…Whoa. Not even Pokkén Tournament will be that brutal!

#036: CLEFABLE
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 95 | Atk: 70 | Def: 73 | Spc: 85 | Spd: 60 | Total: 383​

So, like. What's up with the pink Pika ears, girl…?

Would it surprise anyone to hear that Clefable is among my favourite Pokémon? You'll know why if you know me, but Clefable's colour isn't the only part of her that tickles me pink.

While some pink Pokémon stand as paragons of their kind, Clefable… is not one of them. Lovely job advocating for her so far, right? :pink_smile: While it's true that she simply cannot equal the elusive Chansey and Mew, Clefable's in-game representation drops swirly pink poop on her true, enticing potential. Really, NPC Trainer? DoubleSlap? Trust me, the original Fairy Pokémon has more to offer than annoying people with Sing, or Metronome.

For some bizarre, unexplained reason, Game Freak seemed to love creating pink Normal-types with elephantine movepools… (By RBY standards, at least). Clefable, Wigglytuff, Lickitung, Chansey, Mew… With the exception of the last one, all Normal pinkies with a heap of goods (and bads…). What's up with that…? Even Slowbro, another pink thing, was given a decent selection… Fire Blast? The fuck…?

With Blizzard and Psychic spearheading her Special munitions, Clefable stacks a STAB Body Slam, or Hyper Beam, depending on your preferences, on top of a rather impressive collection of techniques. Here we have another Poké that can take a dozen of the 15 Types, with the only ones to not suffer double damage from at least one of Clefable's attacks being Electric, Ghost and, yup, Psychic again!

I should mention that her level up learnset is replete with sodding trash – nothing outside the novelty of the unreliable Sing is anywhere near worthwhile. Minimize? Have you no shame?! Light Screen? Not only is it not a pseudo-passing move in Generation I, it can't be stacked, so it's just a worse Acid Armor/Barrier. Never mind the fact that Clefable can't even learn it; only Clefairy can. At level 48. Like I said, nothing laudable via level up. As a result, Clefable is forced to lead the life of a TM whore, which can introduce ambivalence in decision making, or become problematic if the rest of your team starts to feel the impact of possible favouritism.

Despite how well-allocated and balanced that 383 is, Clefable's stats are unimposing at a glance. This may deter one from even using TMs on her at all, or result in Trainers passing on her completely…! I take umbrage at this sad truth, though I must recognise my bias, and fight it with all of my will!

…Or, I could just attempt to get Trainers to give her a try…!

Thunder Wave, a more reliable weapon for inflicting Paralysis than Body Slam, can compensate for Clefable's middling Speed – particularly in a competitive setting – and in the company of Blizzard (and Sing, if you're so inclined), Clefable's a respectable status inflictor, with just enough natural bulk to live long enough to really aggravate people, especially with that innocuous face. She's more than capable of murder, too, what with all of those weapons. Coverage moves like Thunderbolt (or Thunder, if you're more into that), and to a lesser extent, Fire Blast (and even BubbleBeam, as Clefable doesn't get Surf), in addition to the aforementioned heavy artillery of Ice and Psychic, provide the pink pixie with a Special arsenal to potentially pressure innumerable Pokémon. Add your STAB move of choice, and you've got a versatile mixed attacker that can threaten scores of Pokémon in at least some way, even if it's only by inflicting Paralysis when all else fails. Which it will, if your opponent is Gengar, Psychic weakness notwithstanding. A competitive Snorlax would have a field day with her, as well, especially if it's carrying Amnesia… But, other than these rare cases… Clefable's got options!

Defensively, the numbers here look glaringly average, but consider this: Pokémon gain EVs in every stat upon victory in battle and can accumulate the maximum number of points in each category in Generation I! Clefable's never been bulkier! Granted, the Normal-type possesses the worst immunity in the game, since Shadow Ball hasn't been invented yet. (Yeah, Shadow Ball was Physical back then, just like Hyper Beam… I don't understand, either…) There are only two Ghost-type attacks indigenous to Generation I: Night Shade and Lick (Yes, I know Confuse Ray is Ghost-type; I said attacks, not Status moves), the former of which still hits Normal-types anyway because of the farcically slapdash game design. Not that it's of any consequence, as Night Shade deals fixed damage equal to the user's level, and coming from the sapless, inept vermin of Pokémon Tower, it's even less threatening than Dragon Rage, so that isn't a concern, especially with a base HP of 95. What this amounts to is a laughably absurd immunity to one attack out of the 165 moves in the game. One with TWENTY FUCKING POWER, for Arceus' sake! Even an emaciated, disease-stricken Poképatient on their deathbed could survive that shit!

I can only assume Game Freak was completely ignorant of the fact that Normals were only immune to Lick, else such a pointless immunity would never have seen the light of day! This begs the question, "How can you not know how your own game works?!" If you guys don't know, who will?! Though, perhaps a better question is, why in the world would you ever need, or want, immunity to one of the most comically weak attacks to be thought up? …I suppose not having to worry about the move's only saving failing grace, its inexplicable ability to inflict Paralysis 30% of the time, is chill… Except, it's more of a would-be boon, as no one in their right mind would ever include Lick on a moveset in the first place! And, really, just how exactly can LICKING someone CRIPPLE THEM?! Sapphism will put you in a wheelchair, ladies! Game Freak said so!

With that Ghost-type Lick immunity bullshit aside, there were no Special Fighting-type moves in Generation I, and there wouldn't be until 2006, meaning the only attacks that can slam Clefable super effectively are Physical, going through her weaker Defense. You need only review how pathetic the Fighting-type's offenses were in the time period we're discussing to dismiss your fears.

Karate Chop? It was Normal in RBY!

Low Kick? 50 power. Though, it can at least cause the target to Flinch 30% of the time, so it can haz cheeseburger.

Double Kick? Yo dawg, I heard you like kicks, so we put a kick inside a kick so you can get kicked while you get kicked. But seriously, the Nidos shouldn't run it forever, as their movepools provide wiser choices, and as for Jolteon, it can't accomplish much with that pitiful 65 Base Attack and no STAB. Hitmonlee is really the only user of the move you'd need to watch out for, who also has Rolling Kick, Jump Kick, and Hi Jump Kick via level up. All three of those moves are a bad joke, though, with not a single one of them possessing a power over 85, or acceptable Accuracy. Although Rolling Kick has the same Flinch chance as Low Kick, and is at least of the Fighting-type, 85% Accuracy for a move with a mere 60 power is asinine.

Finally, Submission and Counter were everywhere thanks to TMs 17 and 18, respectively, and while Counter isn't the best example of how abysmal the Fighting-type was back then, it was still somewhat of a flop because it only worked on Normal- and Fighting-type attacks in Generation I, which is totally hilarious when you discover that Gengar can learn it. As for Submission, it's downright horrible. 80 Power, 80% Accuracy?! That's already a travesty, but it gets worse: THE MOVE CAUSES RECOIL! (25% of the damage inflicted!) And yet, it still saw its fair share of use in competitive play solely due to the vastness of its learnbase and the ubiquity of vaunted Normals Chansey, Persian, Snorlax, and Tauros.

With such horrendous ammunition backing the Normal-type's only weakness, it's as if the type has no weakness, especially in-game. Now, don't get me wrong, NO resistances and NO immunities (yeah, I went there) with Clefable's mediocre defenses, barring HP, is terrible, so even strong neutral hits are going to hurt like a bitch; she's just more resistant in the first two generations, is all. Although lack of HP recovery outside of the universal Rest is unfortunate, it's a problem she remedies in the form of Moonlight in the following generation, in addition to receiving a 10 point boost to her Special Defense. It's just such a shame she picked up Amnesia as well as said recovery one generation too late; with RBY Amnesia and a healing move at her disposal, Clefable would have been a monster, and not just of the Pocket variety. But that just wasn't meant to be… Even so, it's innocent-looking aliens like Clefable that set the standard for Specially-oriented Normal-types to come.

#038: NINETALES
MONO-FIRE
HP: 73 | Atk: 76 | Def: 75 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 100 | Total: 424​

Despite its Fire-type, Ninetales is a pretty cool Pokémon! See what I did th…? Okay… :|

When I was an ignorant 7-year-old Canadian, Ninetales did nothing but disappoint my imagination. They just added tails to a regular animal and called it a Pokémon, I thought. Lame!

Only after Digimon Tamers' Renamon (and later Naruto's Nine-Tailed Demon Fox) was thrown across the pond to land on YTV did I start making connections to a source material then unknown to me.

Rooted in Chinese culture, eventually trickling down to Japanese and Korean mythology, a fox with nine tails possessed by supernatural abilities is a traditional motif of Eastern Asia. Commonly mistaken to have originated from Japanese folklore, the fox as a transcendent being was an idea that was adopted, and expanded upon, by the Japanese after a history of companionship with foxes. :pink_smile: Surely you will recognise the words 'kitsune,' and 'kyubi,' the most common names by which 'characters' such as Ninetales are known. These unique interpretations exemplify the foxes of folklore, and appear in many contemporary Asian series – from anime and manga, to video games. Also, there's the browser you're using! :) …What?! Google Chrome?! {D:} You infidel!

Beginning life humble, a kitsune's otherworldly powers will manifest with age as it grows more tails; this is mirrored in Vulpix's Dex entry, which reveals its many tails were once one at birth. While kitsune are said to wait a century before their ninth tail grows, mercifully, Vulpix need only wait for a Fire Stone. Though lore suggests a kitsune's acquisition of its final tail comes with ascension to the celestial, Ninetales isn't a Legendary. Possibly because the kitsune's status as a deity is merely guesswork born of amazement at the fox's eerie powers, and also because Game Freak had other, debatably less interesting ideas for Legendary Pokémon.

After becoming a nine-tailed fox, a kitsune's fur turns either golden, like Ninetales', or white, like its Shiny variant (Sort of… It's kinda gray…), and they gain the ability to shoot fire from their mouths, which may sound familiar. ;) You know what grinds my Klinklangs, though? Folklore tells of their capacity to discharge electricity from their mouths, as well… So, Ninetales could have been Fire/Electric! It would have a quadruple weakness to Ground-type moves, yeah, but with its frailty, is that even relevant? It's the STAB Thunderbolt that's of interest there, frightening the Water-types which represent much more of Kanto's wildlife than Ground- or Rock-types. And with 100 Base Speed, it's about as fast as your typical Electric, so they'd better run! If only…

While some kitsune are benevolent, others are wicked tricksters, and Game Freak went to the Dark Side with Ninetales – according to the flavor text they wrote, grabbing one of its tails will result in a 1000-year-long curse upon you! That sounds worse that a kitsune shapeshifting into a human and impregnating you, if you ask me… Yes, they do that. Fuckin' perverts. I can only assume Ninetales wasn't given Transform because it's humans that kitsune change into, not animals. Plus, that's Ditto's thing. Because that stopped Mew…

Confuse Ray is the move I think of when I think about Ninetales. Kitsune are pranksters, and the move's Ghost-type is a reference to Ninetales' vague spirituality. Being quick, it's a decent option for it, too, given the lack of real options here. Like Charizard, it can Toxic Fire Spin for novelty, but it's no Moltres; unlike Charizard, Ninetales can't set off Earthquakes. But it can Dig!

With the third highest Special of the Fire-types, but the lowest Attack of Fire's final forms, Ninetales isn't nearly as interesting as the lore from which it was inspired. Why'd you have to give Magmar Confuse Ray, too, Game Freak…? And Psychic… Had Ninetales been Fire/Electric, it'd be the only Pokémon to learn Confuse Ray and Thunder Wave, making it the most reliable ParaFuser in the game…

Oh well…

#040: WIGGLYTUFF
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 140 | Atk: 70 | Def: 45 | Spc: 50 | Spd: 45 | Total: 350​

What's so 'wiggly' about it, anyway? And it certainly is not 'tuff,' by any means.

I don't know what the fire truck Game Freak was thinking when they finalised this miserably feckless shitcretin's cockamamie stat spread, but they must have been as strung out as Wig's Japanese sprite looks when they did. I imagine their thought process, if it were materialised as a picture, would look something like a piece of abstract art: obscure, and unintelligible – analogous to the unsound state of mind they spent the entirety of Generation I's development process reeling in, incidentally. A cocktail of bad ideas stirred with a complete and overt lack of mother wit led to the birth of this inferior Clefable pisstake. An existence to be pitied, Wigglytuff's is a mixed bag of a disaster that's somewhere between a failure and a tragedy.

Clefable and Wigglytuff are even less inspired counterparts that the Nidos. Game Freak's only attempt at making this second pair discrete was the disparity between their Base Stat Totals, which was a bafflingly poor idea. They're both puffed-up Normal blobs (blobettes?) with matching fluffy tuft hairstyles, they each sprout longer ears upon evolving through the same Moon Stone method, and they're both pink and subjectively cute. The previous duo may have followed a similar design concept, too, and there's no excuse for one making the other redundant, but at least they're almost equally competent!

The solution to differentiating Wigglytuff from Clefable? A vacuous relocation of stat points! Some were even relocated into oblivion, it seems; what was once a decent stat total is inexcusably robbed of 33 points altogether! Because a BST of 383 or over is just too OP! The rest of Wigglytuff's stats are then impaired beyond repair as her HP score shovels in the numbers in an attempt to copy Chansey and Snorlax, too, resulting in the now-obese 140, leaving her remaining stats lilliputian and fucking starving for numbers, as if she were a NFE beggar.

Well, congratulations, Game Freak! Despite two Pokémon being so pointlessly similar severely lacking in ingenuity, you successfully separated Wigglytuff from Clefable by making the former factually inadequate and virtually unusable! :pink_smile: And they gave this thing A BABY in the following generation?! HELL-O, It needed to evolve. Look ma! NO BRAINS!

Now, for some food for thought: if Rhydon's placement in the Poké Dex is any indication*, it's possible that Wigglytuff was created before Clefable, therefore making the latter the copycat. Provocative! The thing is, no one gives a shit because Clefable is vastly superior. It's actually better if Clefable came second – at least that way, Pokémon would be improving, instead of… well, this.

Yes, Wigglytuff's movepool is a fatass, like her. At least that's one positive quality, right? But no. A superlative selection like this should lead any Pokémon to reasonable success, on paper; in practice, one needs more than a blade to be swordsman. With a Special 35 points lower than her better, Wigglytuff couldn't close the gap between herself and Clefable if her life depended on it, which it kinda does. Clefable's 85 is merely acceptable, so whaddaya think that makes Wigglytuff's 50? Equaling her Attack is nothing to write home about, either; she needed to be stronger.

There is one thing Wigglytuff can say it does better than Clefable: Counter. Not so useless now, right? Wrong. Just because you're as inundated with HP as a thesaurus flooded with synonyms, doesn't mean you can tank damage with defenses as rice-paper-thin as 'Tuff here has. Maybe it could live to wreak its unbridled pink vengeance, but attacking Wigglytuff in any manner would be the equivalent of lighting that thesaurus on fire.

If Clefable and Wigglytuff were in a homosexual Pokéfurry relationship, the only thing keeping Clefable from dumping the balloon bunny bitch would be the romantic prospect of Singing each other to Sleep. And if we're to believe what Game Freak tells us, if they were in said relationship, then they would probably wind up Paralyzed long before the Singing occurred, rendering them immune to Sleep, quickening the breakup.

Keep on Singin' those soporific songs, Balloon Girl; the nightmare that is your pitiable existence sure isn't a dream.


* Rhydon was the first Pokémon ever designed. Is this is why statues of it are ubiquitous in Kanto…?

#042: GOLBAT
POISON / FLYING
HP: 75 | Atk: 80 | Def: 70 | Spc: 75 | Spd: 90 | Total: 390​

Is that the worst sprite in R/B, or one of the greatest? I can't decide… One thing is sure: Golbat is one of RBY's worst Pokémon.

Oh, look. The most aggravating, universally despised cave-dweller went and evolved, and it's still disposable. It's difficult to take what I know now to be an unevolved Pokémon seriously, especially when I'd sooner use Pikachu over it in-game… Sure, Golbat's typing is unique – that doesn't make it viable! Poison is shit, Flying is shit! Put 'em together?! It's like diarrhea! Chronic diarrhea! That's what the Poison-type is to RBY Pokémon!

Golbat's weak to Blizzard, Psychic, Rock Slide and Thunderbolt, has a stat spread that looks like it was the victim of a vampire bat, and one of the sorriest movepools I've looked at. It's got no STAB moves (No! Wing Attack doesn't count! 52.5 Power with STAB?! Get out of my house!) – hell, it doesn't have anything with a decent damage output/ammo clip ratio! Double Edge and Hyper Beam are resorted to as MAIN MOVES! Don't like that idea? Enjoy your subpar Normal attacks with 60 Power…! You can piss Trainers off with Confuse Ray... Or you could just use a better Pokémon. :pink_smile:

The miserable Leech Life plays a thematic role here, with the intolerably weak Mega Drain an optional upgrade. Though the Poké Dex claims Golbat is so voraciously vampiric that its blood type becomes that of its sucker, what can be thought of as its signature move is terribly anaemic. Of the 15 evolutionary lines to exploit TM 21, Golbat's Special is the 7th highest…

Thank Arceus Game Freak evolved this thing, because Golbat sucks! Pun intended!

#045: VILEPLUME
GRASS / POISON
HP: 75 | Atk: 80 | Def: 85 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 50 | Total: 390​

Venusaur, but worse.

…

As if I just said that, right? Like, that's the write up. That's it.

I didn't give a Rattata's ass about Vileplume until I saw it on Karen's team in GSC. "What the--? A Vileplume?" While it failed to impress me in combat, it had popped up in a place where it wasn't expected to, and that was refreshing. It stood out for a change. Reminded us it existed. Took a step out from under the shadow of Exeggutor, Venusaur and Victreebel, still trapped under the shadow of its massive head, which it struggles to hold up. Poor Vileplume…!

Minus the 30 point difference in Speed, Vileplume's stats are very close to Venusaur's, with a mere 2 less Attack and equal Special! Same typing, too. That's where the similarities end.

Don't even ask me how this thing gets Swords Dance. I understand they don't have to be actual swords, but there is nothing even remotely sharp anywhere on Vileplume. Conversely, it doesn't get Razor Leaf. At some point, you just stop trying to ask questions. It's almost difficult to tell where the logic ends and the stupidity begins. Sure, even if it could use it, Vileplume's too slow to strike Critically every a Razor Leaf, but the 78.13% chance it would have had is more than enough for a main move!

What remains adequate to be weaponised? SolarBeam? 180 Power, yeah, but you have to take damage first, which isn't even feasible at times, and then you just announce what you're about to do… On the following turn, you'll likely take damage again because Vileplume's so slow.

Then there's Petal Dance, which locks you into a Grass move for 2 or 3 turns chosen at random and prevents you from switching during that time, just for 105 Power…! At the end of that horror, the move Confuses you!

So… Vileplume's stuck with Mega Drain… Which has worked out so well for the other Pokémon that I've talked about. Unlike Venusaur, who has Growth, and doesn't need it, Vileplume needs it, and doesn't have it. That leaves it boosting your choice of Normal move, going against its Specially-inclined build, with some Powder thrown about here and there because it can't do anything else.

Oh, Vileplume…

#047: PARASECT
BUG/ GRASS
HP: 60 | Atk: 95 | Def: 80 | Spc: 80 | Spd: 30 | Total: 345​

Pokémon's 1-Down Mushroom…

Paras. An innocent bug, suckling on tree roots. So hungry, always so hungry! Yet, for all it consumes, it is left wanting… While the shrooms sprouting from its back seem larger by the day… Does it know? Does it shed tears, as a compulsion it cannot ignore leads it to feed the monsters slowly taking over its body?

One day, memories begin to fade, family members become unknown enemies, motor skills diminish. Consciousness starts to die. There is fear. Then insanity. And hunger is always there.

Finally, 'evolution.'

The insect becomes the mushroom; the mushroom becomes the insect. Parasect is born!

A little piece of what's left of Paras wakes up every now and then, horrified and screaming.

A pitiful story siring a pitiful Pokémon. The fungal growths which seized this species' life to give us Spore inadvertently plagued the creature with three quadruple weaknesses and the lowest Speed stat of any final form in the game, tied with Lickitung, Slowbro and Snorlax (The last two still manage to be some of the best Pokémon in the game!). A Slash with only a 46.9% chance of hitting Critically almost twists it into a lesser option in comparison to the available Body Slam + Swords Dance combo. Though, being unbelievably slow and mortally frail with six weaknesses, I think I'm safe in assuming your opponent won't be as lenient as a Dragon Ball character when you attempt to power up… You wouldn't want to try strengthening Mega Drain, Parasect's only 'competitive' STAB move, with Growth, either. Dig would be a nasty surprise for three of its counter types, if only it weren't torn apart and incinerated before burrowing…

Apart from the inherent potential of a Sleep move with 99.6% Accuracy, one which isn't supported by functional stats, mind you, there is no excuse for Parasect to live… beyond the Chinese medicine its spores contribute to! Yup, Stadium's Poké Dex says that happens… Parasitic mushroom Pokémon… Ancient Chinese secret!

Would you believe the Versus Books guide touted Parasect as a Mewtwo counter back in the day? Here's a direct quote:

"But keep in mind that many of our choices were based on beating the Pokémon that are popular in the places we play. If you don't know anyone with a Mewtwo, don't waste time with Parasect."

Literally everyone playing the game has access to Mewtwo! Who didn't have a Mewtwo back then?! It's fucking Mewtwo! And you should never waste your time with Parasect!

There's a section at the back of the book where the writers list their dream competitive teams, and explain their choices. One named Berton included Parasect on his team, and wrote this infuriatingly uneducated nonsense:

"Almost everyone uses Mewtwo, and that's the one and only reason Parasect made this team. It's not an easy fight, but if you play it right, he does have the advantage. Put Mewtwo to Sleep with Spore, use a bunch of Growths while he's dozing, and then finish him with Bug-type Leech Lifes. And if it worked well, a Parasect that survived long enough to cast five or six Growths can pretty much finish whatever else your opponent has on his bench."

So the battle begins. You send out a fucking Parasect; your opponent leads with Mewtwo. You call Spore, your Parasect is killed by Blizzard.

#049: VENOMOTH
BUG / POISON
HP: 70 | Atk: 65 | Def: 60 | Spc: 90 | Spd: 90 | Total: 375​

Whaddaya get when you take Beedrill's hideous typing and Butterfree's… well, only viable moveset?

This thing.

What we have here is actually the third fastest Sleeper in the game, tied with Poliwag and Poliwhirl. Aaaaand, that's about it. With higher stats, Butterfree's 75%-okay-well-that's-not-bad, 25%-I-can't-believe-we-have-to-use-this-attack-for-a-Grass-move set is in more capable, uh, legs… But we're still talking about a Bug-type Pokémon from Generation I. They're all worthless!

#051: DUGTRIO
MONO-GROUND
HP: 35 | Atk: 80 | Def: 50 | Spc: 70 | Spd: 120 | Total: 355​

Behold the fastest Ground-type Pokémon in the game! (Also the third fastest Pokémon, tied with Alakazam.)

Annoyingly, it has zilch beyond what you'd expect for moves . And its stats are crap. And it looks, for lack of a more insulting adjective, lame. It's like an incomplete set of finger puppets…

I remember when the Generation V Pokémon were leaked. 'Fans' and detractors alike jerked their knees quicker than Dugtrio can somehow move. All across the Interwebs, comments appeared asserting Game Freak was running out of ideas! A garbage bag? An ice cream cone?! Come on!

Apologists then arrived to highlight this first generation Poké. The evolution of the plainest, simplest of little dudes is…?! Three of those plain and simple-looking dudes stuck together… >_> Did Game Freak even have any ideas to begin with…?!

*stupid argument continues for all time*

I shouldn't have to tell you that the humble creators of Pokémon, like anyone else, have good and bad ideas, and implement both - again, like anyone else. Recycling a terrible one within the same generation for Magneton…? Urgh…

But, enough. What are these triplets worth? Well, they have what I like to call the pseudo-EdgeQuake, with Earthquake and Rock Slide, and a Slash that will always inflict double damage. (How. In the bloody murdered-people-filled HELL. Can Dugtrio Slash?!) The Speed which makes that possible grants the rest of Dugtrio's attacks a 23.4% chance of being Critical hits. Not bad… Until the movepool runs dry. Which is now. You can spray sand in your opponent's face faster than any Pokémon but Jolteon, and that's about it.

At least Dugtrio will get a hit in before a strong Pokémon drags it through the mud…

#053: PERSIAN
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 65 | Atk: 70 | Def: 60 | Spc: 65 | Spd: 115 | Total: 375

COMING SOON!

#055: GOLDUCK
MONO-WATER
HP: 80 | Atk: 82 | Def: 78 | Spc: 80 | Spd: 85 | Total: 405

COMING SOON!

#057: PRIMEAPE
MONO-FIGHTING
HP: 65 | Atk: 105 | Def: 60 | Spc: 60 | Spd: 95 | Total: 385

COMING SOON!

#059: ARCANINE
MONO-FIRE
HP: 80 | Atk: 110 | Def: 80 | Spc: 80 | Spd: 95 | Total: 455

COMING SOON!

#062: POLIWRATH
WATER / FIGHTING
HP: 90 | Atk: 85 | Def: 95 | Spc: 70 | Spd: 70 | Total: 410

COMING SOON!

#065: ALAKAZAM
MONO-PSYCHIC
HP: 55 | Atk: 50 | Def: 45 | Spc: 135 | Spd: 120 | Total: 405

COMING SOON!

#068: MACHAMP
MONO-FIGHTING
HP: 90 | Atk: 130 | Def: 80 | Spc: 65 | Spd: 55 | Total: 420

COMING SOON!

#071: VICTREEBEL
GRASS / POISON
HP: 80 | Atk: 105 | Def: 65 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 70 | Total: 420

COMING SOON!

#073: TENTACRUEL
WATER / POISON
HP: 80 | Atk: 70 | Def: 65 | Spc: 120 | Spd: 100 | Total: 435

COMING SOON!

#076: GOLEM
ROCK / GROUND
HP: 80 | Atk: 110 | Def: 130 | Spc: 55 | Spd: 45 | Total: 420

COMING SOON!

#078: RAPIDASH
MONO-FIRE
HP: 65 | Atk: 100 | Def: 70 | Spc: 80 | Spd: 105 | Total: 420

COMING SOON!

#080: SLOWBRO
WATER / PSYCHIC
HP: 95 | Atk: 75 | Def: 110 | Spc: 80 | Spd: 30 | Total: 390

COMING SOON!

#082: MAGNETON
MONO-ELECTRIC
HP: 50 | Atk: 60 | Def: 95 | Spc: 120 | Spd: 70 | Total: 395

COMING SOON!

#083: FARFETCH'D
NORMAL / FLYING
HP: 52 | Atk: 65 | Def: 55 | Spc: 58 | Spd: 60 | Total: 290

COMING SOON!

#085: DODRIO
NORMAL / FLYING
HP: 60 | Atk: 110 | Def: 70 | Spc: 60 | Spd: 100 | Total: 400

COMING SOON!

#087: DEWGONG
WATER / ICE
HP: 90 | Atk: 70 | Def: 80 | Spc: 95 | Spd: 70 | Total: 405

COMING SOON!

#089: MUK
MONO-POISON
HP: 105 | Atk: 105 | Def: 75 | Spc: 65 | Spd: 50 | Total: 400

COMING SOON!

#091: CLOYSTER
WATER / ICE
HP: 50 | Atk: 95 | Def: 180 | Spc: 85 | Spd: 70 | Total: 480

COMING SOON!

#094: GENGAR
GHOST / POISON
HP: 60 | Atk: 65 | Def: 60 | Spc: 130 | Spd: 110 | Total: 425

COMING SOON!

#095: ONIX
ROCK / GROUND
HP: 35 | Atk: 45 | Def: 160 | Spc: 30 | Spd: 70 | Total: 340

COMING SOON!

#097: HYPNO
MONO-PSYCHIC
HP: 85 | Atk: 73 | Def: 70 | Spc: 115 | Spd: 67 | Total: 410

COMING SOON!

#099: KINGLER
MONO-WATER
HP: 55 | Atk: 130 | Def: 115 | Spc: 50 | Spd: 75 | Total: 425

COMING SOON!

#101: ELECTRODE
MONO-ELECTRIC
HP: 60 | Atk: 50 | Def: 70 | Spc: 80 | Spd: 140 | Total: 400

COMING SOON!

#103: EXEGGUTOR
Grass / Psychic
HP: 95 | Atk: 95 | Def: 85 | Spc: 125 | Spd: 55 | Total: 455

COMING SOON!

#105: MAROWAK
MONO-GROUND
HP: 60 | Atk: 80 | Def: 110 | Spc: 50 | Spd: 45 | Total: 345

COMING SOON!

#106: HITMONLEE
MONO-FIGHTING
HP: 50 | Atk: 120 | Def: 53 | Spc: 35 | Spd: 87 | Total: 345

COMING SOON!

#107: HITMONCHAN
MONO-FIGHTING
HP: 50 | Atk: 105 | Def: 79 | Spc: 35 | Spd: 76 | Total: 345

COMING SOON!

#108: LICKITUNG
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 90 | Atk: 55 | Def: 75 | Spc: 60 | Spd: 30 | Total: 310

COMING SOON!

#110: WEEZING
MONO-POISON
HP: 65 | Atk: 90 | Def: 120 | Spc: 85 | Spd: 60 | Total: 420

COMING SOON!

#112: RHYDON
GROUND / ROCK
HP: 105 | Atk: 130 | Def: 120 | Spc: 45 | Spd: 40 | Total: 440

COMING SOON!

#113: CHANSEY
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 250 | Atk: 5 | Def: 5 | Spc: 105 | Spd: 50 | Total: 415

COMING SOON!

#114: TANGELA
MONO-GRASS
HP: 65 | Atk: 55 | Def: 115 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 60 | Total: 395

COMING SOON!

#115: KANGASKHAN
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 105 | Atk: 95 | Def: 80 | Spc: 40 | Spd: 90 | Total: 410

COMING SOON!

#117: SEADRA
MONO-WATER
HP: 55 | Atk: 65 | Def: 95 | Spc: 95 | Spd: 85 | Total: 395

COMING SOON!

#119: SEAKING
MONO-WATER
HP: 80 | Atk: 92 | Def: 65 | Spc: 80 | Spd: 68 | Total: 385

COMING SOON!

#121: STARMIE
WATER / PSYCHIC
HP: 60 | Atk: 75 | Def: 85 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 115 | Total:

COMING SOON!

#122: MR. MIME
MONO-PSYCHIC
HP: 40 | Atk: 45 | Def: 65 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 90 | Total: 340

COMING SOON!

#123: SCYTHER
BUG / FLYING
HP: 70 | Atk: 110 | Def: 80 | Spc: 55 | Spd: 105 | Total: 420

COMING SOON!

#124: JYNX
ICE / PSYCHIC
HP: 65 | Atk: 50 | Def: 35 | Spc: 95 | Spd: 95 | Total: 340

COMING SOON!

#125: ELECTABUZZ
MONO-ELECTRIC
HP: 65 | Atk: 83 | Def: 57 | Spc: 85 | Spd: 105 | Total: 395

COMING SOON!

#126: MAGMAR
MONO-FIRE
HP: 65 | Atk: 95 | Def: 57 | Spc: 85 | Spd: 93 | Total: 395

COMING SOON!

#127: PINSIR
MONO-BUG
HP: 65 | Atk: 125 | Def: 100 | Spc: 55 | Spd: 85 | Total: 430

COMING SOON!

#128: TAUROS
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 75 | Atk: 100 | Def: 95 | Spc: 70 | Spd: 110 | Total: 450

COMING SOON!

#130: GYARADOS
WATER / FLYING
HP: 95 | Atk: 125 | Def: 79 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 81 | Total: 480

COMING SOON!

#131: LAPRAS
WATER / ICE
HP: 130 | Atk: 85 | Def: 80 | Spc: 95 | Spd: 60 | Total: 450

COMING SOON!

#132: DITTO
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 48 | Atk: 48 | Def: 48 | Spc: 48 | Spd: 48 | Total: 240

COMING SOON!

#134: VAPOREON

HP: 130 | Atk: 65 | Def: 60 | Spc: 110 | Spd: 65 | Total: 430

COMING SOON!

#135: JOLTEON
MONO-ELECTRIC
HP: 65 | Atk: 65 | Def: 60 | Spc: 110 | Spd: 130 | Total: 430

COMING SOON!

#136: FLAREON
MONO-FIRE
HP: 65 | Atk: 130 | Def: 60 | Spc: 110 | Spd: 65 | Total: 430

COMING SOON!

#137: PORYGON
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 65 | Atk: 60 | Def: 70 | Spc: 75 | Spd: 40 | Total: 310

COMING SOON!

#139: OMASTAR
ROCK / WATER
HP: 70 | Atk: 60 | Def: 125 | Spc: 115 | Spd: 55 | Total: 425

COMING SOON!

#141: KABUTOPS
ROCK / WATER
HP: 60 | Atk: 115 | Def: 105 | Spc: 70 | Spd: 80 | Total: 430

COMING SOON!

#142: AERODACTYL
ROCK / FLYING
HP: 80 | Atk: 105 | Def: 65 | Spc: 60 | Spd: 130 | Total: 440

COMING SOON!

#143: SNORLAX
MONO-NORMAL
HP: 160 | Atk: 110 | Def: 65 | Spc: 65 | Spd: 30 | Total: 430

COMING SOON!

#144: ARTICUNO
ICE / FLYING
HP: 90 | Atk: 85 | Def: 100 | Spc: 125 | Spd: 85 | Total: 485

COMING SOON!

#145: ZAPDOS
ELECTRIC / FLYING
HP: 90 | Atk: 90 | Def: 85 | Spc: 125 | Spd: 100 | Total: 490

COMING SOON!

#146: MOLTRES
FIRE / FLYING
HP: 90 | Atk: 100 | Def: 90 | Spc: 125 | Spd: 90 | Total: 495

COMING SOON!

#149: DRAGONITE
DRAGON / FLYING
HP: 91 | Atk: 134 | Def: 95 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 80 | Total: 500

COMING SOON!

#150: MEWTWO
MONO-PSYCHIC
HP: 106 | Atk: 110 | Def: 90 | Spc: 154 | Spd: 130 | Total: 590

COMING SOON!

#151: MEW
MONO-PSYCHIC
HP: 100 | Atk: 100 | Def: 100 | Spc: 100 | Spd: 100 | Total: 500

COMING SOON!​