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I Am a Raven

Kyrie Eleison

Trainer of Gardevoir
    • 24
    Posts
    19
    Years
    I am a raven, learning to fly.
    I am a blackbird, with feathers black as night.
    I am a crow, whose voice can be heard for miles.

    I am a raven, who has broken her wings.
    I am a blackbird, whose feathers have fallen.
    I am a crow, whose voice has died away.

    I am a dragon, breathing crimson fire.
    I am a phoenix, singing my joyous song.
    I am a griffin, with sharp gleaming claws.

    I am a dragon, whose fire has burned out.
    I am a phoenix, whose song has turned sorrowful.
    I am a griffin, whose claws have dulled.

    What am I in majority?
    All these creatures....
    Are combining to become one being.
    That being is me.

    What do you think?
     
    Hmmm... Well, you ask what I think, so I'll be honest with you, but first, allow me to say that I'm only trying to help you improve. I don't hate you personally, nor do think you have no potential, else I wouldn't waste my time here. I want to see you get better. Anyways, the actual review:

    It needs work. The flow of it could be improved vastly, it lies somewhere between rhythmic and choppy. Both can be good when employed alone, but when they are mixed, they conflict, making the poem muddy and boring in a sense. Next, emotion; it could use help there, too. You're trying to say how you feel, but it doesn't get quite enough emphasis. You focus too much on the aspects of the animals you picked instead of yourself, and that's far from good in a "I am" poem. Finally, there's a bit of subject conflict in the end. Your overall statement is one of individuality, but the rest of the poem seems to be about heartbreak. This throws the reader for a loop, again, cutting into the flow of the poem and distracting the reader from the emotion of the piece, and overall, detracting from its value.

    One last note, though: don't be discouraged, okay? Again, if I thought you had no potential, I wouldn't be criticizing you because it would be a waste of my time. It's not. Try to take wat I said to heart and improve upon it in the future. You can be a better poet than you are now. Work on your skills, okay? I look forward to reading your next work.

    Emotional score: 3/10

    Technique score: 6/10

    Final score: 4/10
     
    Last edited:
    Unlike Adamant, I only say how I felt about a poem...not good at analyzing and stuff...so anyways, I enjoyed this piece. It wasn't too bad.
     
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