Make my Love (Part 1)

[grandpokemonmaster]

Okay, this is a poem I'm making so..., be nice! :)
Any bad posts or replies, I'll report them. Not bad, huh?
Make my Love by grandpokemonmaster
Date: Thursday, January 16, 2008
Why I'm posting this: I like to express myself a little.
Here it is:

Make my Love, because when I die I'll have nothing left but
forgotten memories and a life to remember in tears and anything else you might add.

Every move you make is something I should do and not do too. Anything that makes you
happy makes my be with joy and not forgotten.

I will always wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I might have died, because it's
some thing I am afraid of...

Thanks for reading part 1! I did cry a little... :`(

 

[Melody]

Um. I find the sentence structure to be a bit odd. Makes the poem more difficult to understand. The first line was good but when you added "and anything else you might add." it seemed to 'break' the flow of the poem. You never quite picked up the flow after that.
The wording of the 3rd line was quite aqward to me and I had to pause to detangle it. Also this is where your grammar kind of warps into a 4th dimention. it's quite a grammatic mess.

All things considered I could get the general feel of the poem so you arent doing badly at all. Just improve on your writing skills and I'm sure you'll be a good writer. :)

 

[Melody]

Um. I find the sentence structure to be a bit odd. Makes the poem more difficult to understand. The first line was good but when you added "and anything else you might add." it seemed to 'break' the flow of the poem. You never quite picked up the flow after that.
The wording of the 3rd line was quite aqward to me and I had to pause to detangle it. Also this is where your grammar kind of warps into a 4th dimention. it's quite a grammatic mess.

All things considered I could get the general feel of the poem so you arent doing badly at all. Just improve on your writing skills and I'm sure you'll be a good writer. :)