[Pokémon] Modern life.

[Benjamin510]

Modern Life.


Summary: Ever felt that pokémon needed something on fanfics, If you ask me it's realism. A ten-year old, Going on a quest. That would be stupid, The average ten-year old still needs to be able to learn how to tie his shoes. This shows what realism is. Have you seen books that show average kids that do things normally? Like Diary Of A Wimpy Kid? Well this is that, well plus a little Silliness, and of course the pokémon. Also you can except them not to be so smart and brave, they should be silly and stuff like that.

Note: Jack can not actually understand [Insert text here]. It is just to help you guys understand what they do. Only psychics can speak english.

{= telepathy. This anyone can understand. IF it is sent to them.
[ = pokéspeak This only pokémon can understand.
A = Music or sarcasm.

Chapter one: Introduction.



I biked my way home from school. Oh yeah, my name is Jack. Pedaling as fast I can. The fifth-grader inside of me right now is going away and a sixth-grader was coming. I was a 4'7 eleven-year old with black hair with a wacky hairstyle.

Already, I felt me learning everything, to stopping wild pokémon, to learning tactics, to math and genes of humans, NOT pokémon, I learned all of that.

My bones are tingling!

BAMMMMM!

"Ow..." I muttered.

I ran right into my house door, the bike fell on me and broke my foot.

{Right....} A pink small cat came, with the gem on it's head, send me his thoughts. {You did not break you foot.... Only a few scraped knees and elbows.}


"My Six-grader body needs respect!" I yelled at him.

{I'm older than you.}

"Yeah! By a year!"

___________________________________________________________________________________





After my wounds were healed. I made some lunch.

I juiced some Oran berries, boiled some bacon, and saw my sister baked some pie, while my dad made some bagels.



I went up into my room. Eating the bacon. Sipping juice. Hey I can make a song with that.

"Eating the bacon, sipping juice, eating in my room. Sitting on my bed. Watching TV."

______________________________________________________________
"That was UBER!" I heard my little brother, Joey. "Bro, Jack, Yeah you have to sing that again."



"No..." I saw my sister , Alison. She was a twenty-year old who was married and made me an uncle with my nephew, Bob.

Bob. Yes. Bob. The MOST generic name in the book of names.

She started to rant on how bad that was, so I said "So what?" She came up and kicked me in the shin.

The pink dog came and picked up her up with it's psychic powers.

She shrieked and yelled. Five minutes lasted with all of it on tape. Till a small blue mouse named Typlio came. She scolded in her language, to the Cat.

[Espeon, you fool! You have no respect]

[Shut up! FOUR-YEAR-OLD!]


A few days later we were having some small rice, when I got called on my home phone. It was Sally, my best friend.

She was ranting on how I had to go to the Mart and buy some thing that would only be on sale today.

I took some of my money, About 95,000 Poké. I take my bike, I put on my fresh jeans and took off. The mart was close. To be honest... It is about five blocks... But with my bike taken away... I had to walk. Oh.. Yeah the bike was taken away from the crash with the wall. It turns out that it made the lamp next to the door fall down and the lamp cracked.


It took me ten minutes to get there.


When I got there she was there to greet me. She has a tan, a bumpy brown hair style and green eyes.


We went into the shop, went into very back which is the electronic part. She showed me a small device, it had a Pokéball on it, it also had a pen implanted on the side.


"Only 95,000 Poké!" She yelled.


I was planning to buy something else, But I wanted to see what this thing was. I grabbed the box. It had on the back a piece of writing with the following: "Do you wish your parents would buy something for you? Do you wish phones would cost cheaper? Do you wish your parents would buy a GPS, a new video game console or maybe a video camera? Well, for years us people at Sliph had worked on that. We have finally made a device.... The Pokégear. This device has all of the things mentioned and more. But your parents won't buy that either? Well for ONE day only we have the device on sale! Why, you may ask this is the day? Simple! This is the day of the first time we have made this! From the cost of 999,999,999,999 Poké to... 95,000! It also has no physical upgrades... But you can upgrade the OS! The OS is the model! This has the Internet! The shop has Apps... Made by Sliph or made by Fans!

Wow. Just Wow. This thing is UBER! I grab my Poké, and I walk with her. We go up to the clerk. She yells at us! She says that we could NOT of found out about the sale! Sally who's dad works for Sliph explained.

She lets us buy it.


We headed home. I ripped opened that stupid box after I got home.

Sally actually followed me. She asked my mom if she could sleepover, but mom said she would think for a while. I can understand that. Last time it was a mad house, mainly because we had stayed up all of the five days she was here. She had to stay here because she had no mother and her dad was on a trip.

"Yes." My mom came in. "You can, but.... you have to do something for me."

Uh... she would probably say something like "Get your bags." Or "Teach Jack some 'manners'" But no, she said... "If you give me a lesson on computers tomorrow, or you will not sleepover here ever again.

We went into my room. I opened the wrapping paper, to turn on the device

*BEEP*

The black screen turned out to be a case. It fell off and a blue cover with a half of a Pokéball was revealed. It flipped opened, to reveal a black lit screen with five icons on the middle. They were labeled: Phone, GPS, Net, E-bay, App shop.

"Hah, This is cool!" I yelled at the top of my lungs!

"Yeah... " She began.... "Lets begin the sleepover!"




Next chapter: Sleepover Rumble.

AN: Well how did you like it? The Impact will make me write better.


AN: Well how did you like it? The Impact will make me write better.

 

[Benjamin510]

Chapter two: Sleepover Rummmmmmble!

I fool around with the device for a while. Sally was at her house getting her stuff.

{Hey, I'm here to put Typlio and me to bed.} It was the cat, and Typlio in psychic aura.

He crawls slowly and puts them in there two beds in my room.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................z


I grab two pairs of nose plugs on my hidden shelf and stick them into there nose.

Sally walks in, carrying her bags, and yells, "Come on, Turn on the TV!"

She drops her bags on the ground and grabs my old remote for my old TV and presses the "Play" Button.

The TV lit up, and turned on to "The battle Station".

"Todays the match between life long rivals!" She yells.

"Who?" I ask.

"Green Oak and Red Fire!" She yells.

What!? Those two have been battling for thirteen years!

I see the two grab two pokéballs and then they throw. The balls pop open. The light begins to form.

Green's is a Charizard, while Red's is a Flareon,

Charizard opens up with a Hyper Beam, A beam of mass power and misses, but if what I studied was true, Charizards and others can bend them, and it does so. It bursted out when it hit, thus hitting Flareon with more power. When he finished, he started a ball of fire him his mouth outwards. It grew and grew, and it seemed to shoot it, but another the same size appeared again, and he shot that. It seemed to go faster.

Then he kept shooting each one being faster, Thus, it resulted in a chain of fireballs


The flames hit Flareon, but no screams, no howls, not even a squeak. Instead there was a calm breath. Flareon was there when it cleared, but the injuries it got were gone.


"What!?" I Question/Yell.

"Simple." Sally Replies calmly. "Flareon has the Ability 'Flash Fire' It absorbs the flames shot at it and takes all of the damage. But since only Fire-Types Have it, so it is halved. Cool, Huh?"

Charizard flew at Flareon for the kill. But a major light surrounds him. It's large fur went scaly, and he grew a mermaid-like-tail. It grew fins and and gills. When it cleared I could see he was now blue and a navy. It shot out a pump of water, named "Hydro pump".

The burst lasted only for a few seconds and then, Charizard was K.O thanks to the fact that it's flame went out, which is all of that species weak-point.

They Recalled and the screen went black.

I question about the transformation. It turns out that Red's Flareon has the ability to devolve, and Red has the Vermillion Bay Stones, Which can be used over and over again.

We did rock-paper-scissor to decide who would pick a TV show. I won.

I wanted to watch "Money making sixteen-year old Gods".

I turned the channel to 476.

It showed a bunch of sixteen-year olds doing stuff to make millions of Poké.


After it was over the pizza my mom bought was here. We devoured all that Papa Johns in minutes.

We decided to play some "Super Smash Brothers BRAWL".

Then we watched "The Murderous PIGEOT The movie" on TV.


It was about a Pidgeot who went around the killing people, and then the last place it was in, it searched, I was not scared till the end, where it went at the screen.

I was confused, till I realized it, I was going to tell the deal to sally, but it turns out she was asleep already so thats good, she does not need to hear it anyways.

"GEOT!"

I Freaked out. It was here!

I scream.

"Ha ha!" It was Sally faking.

After we did some word fighting, We woke up the sleeping beauty's, who knocked us out.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
AN: Well this marks the end of that. Next time we will have a time skip to school.

 

[JX Valentine]

As a note, this is actually just for the first chapter. The reasons why I'm not covering the second chapter are because I did this a couple days ago and because... well, you'll see.

Ever felt that pokémon needed something on fanfics, If you ask me it's realism. A ten-year old, Going on a quest. That would be stupid, The average ten-year old still needs to be able to learn how to tie his shoes.

First of all, I'd hate to tell you this, but having writers assume that ten-year-olds are too young for a quest is actually not a new concept. A lot of writers do things like move the minimum age for getting a trainer's license up a few years or give their characters parents who keep the character around for a little while or whatever else because ten-year-olds, in the author's view, aren't old enough to set out on a journey.

However, one thing you should probably remember is that not every ten-year-old is incapable of handling themselves. I mean, historically, ten-year-olds had to do things like help around a farm or join hunting parties or learn adult trades as soon as possible because it was just necessary for survival. In modern times, you might have ten-year-olds babysitting younger siblings, going off by themselves around a neighborhood, or even learning how to fend for themselves in the wild thanks to camping in the Girl or Boy Scouts. Just because you're young doesn't mean you're incompetent, and seriously, if you needed help tying your shoes by ten, then there's other issues with you besides your age. Sorry to say it like that, but yeah.

Second, the culture of the Pokémon world isn't the same as ours. Remember how I said that young kids had to learn adult trades in certain ancient cultures? It could be the same in their modern times. That universe emphasizes the idea of going out and learning about life by experiencing the world in general. Think about it. When the protagonists are ten, they're practically shoved out the door, and they're enthusiastic about it. Why? Because a lot of the time, you can only learn so much by staying in one place. Going out there means you see and do a lot more, and you learn from what you do on your travels.

Is it dangerous? Yes, but most likely, the kids of the culture are raised to be able to handle that. On top of that, if it was dangerous to go out and tame Pokémon, it'd probably only be reserved for professional handlers – like the Steve Irwins of the Pokémon world. (Too soon?) As in, you probably wouldn't even have domestic Pokémon (except maybe Magikarp) because any one of them could probably rack up thousands of dollars of property damage just with basic moves. (Ember, for example.)

Beyond that, either way, you're asking for realism in a franchise based on going around and capturing monsters with the ability to warp reality to their very whim (monsters who just happen to not want to use said powers to maul the human beings trying to capture them) into balls that can fit into the palm of a ten-year-old's hand. Realism doesn't exactly have the same definition in the Pokémon world as it does in the real world. If you want to be realistic about things, you've got to address more than the age factor because there's a lot in that universe that just doesn't make sense if you try to apply real-world logic to it.

That being said, let's get into the rest of the fic.

{= telepathy. This anyone can understand. IF it is sent to them.
[ = pokéspeak This only pokémon can understand.
A = Music or sarcasm.

First off, if you want to define music or sarcasm, it's best to just say "music was playing" or "this was a song" or "he said sarcastically." Punctuating it with an A just makes things a bit more confusing because it's pretty much abusing letters – like trying to use a question mark for anything other than a question. That and you don't want to beat the reader over the head with the idea that a character is being sarcastic. You'll want sarcasm to be subtle because, well, sarcasm is subtle.

Second, I'd just like to point out the fact that you're trying to make this fic be more realistic than most fics in the fandom, yet you have telepathic messages flying everywhere alongside translated Pokémon speech.

I biked my way home from school. Oh yeah, my name is Jack. Pedaling as fast I can. The fifth-grader inside of me right now is going away and a sixth-grader was coming. I was a 4'7 eleven-year old with black hair with a wacky hairstyle.

I'm not sure if Diary of a Wimpy Kid opens like this, but I'm going to have to say this paragraph... is all over the place. That's not a good thing. It just feels like you start in on one idea, throw in another one as an afterthought, and try to get back into the first idea, only to be interrupted by another afterthought. You don't want to be erratic in that department because it not only scrambles your narration (like you can't focus on any one thing, which a reader might potentially think includes the plot), but it also causes your writing to become fairly confusing. For example:

Already, I felt me learning everything, to stopping wild pokémon, to learning tactics, to math and genes of humans, NOT pokémon, I learned all of that.

I'm guessing he means he's learned about how to stop wild Pokémon, tactics, math, and the genes of humans but not about Pokémon themselves. I say I'm guessing here because to a reader, this sentence doesn't actually make sense. It's like the sentence itself jumps from one subject to another so quickly the reader can't get a strong fix on the meaning it's trying to convey. He talks about feeling himself learning something, but that could, well, mean a lot of different things. It could mean that he feels himself learning it now, or that he felt as if he's already learned all of that. Also, it doesn't explain why the "NOT Pokémon" is there.

Here's one possible way of getting better control over what you're writing. When you're proofreading (which I'm going to assume you do before you submit your work), read your chapter out loud. That way, you can hear the way your sentences sound. If something sounds off (like the wording's wonky or sentences go in all directions), most likely, it's something you'll want to correct.

Yes, you say you want to focus on silliness, but there's a difference between being silly/giving your character a realistic voice and, well, being all over the place.

I ran right into my house door, the bike fell on me and broke my foot.

As a note, this is actually a comma splice. Try replacing the comma in this sentence with a period. Notice how you end up with two full sentences? That's how you know what you have should either be a compound sentence (by adding "and" to it between the two clauses) or just two separate ideas. It reads better if you avoid a comma splice anyway.

A pink small cat came, with the gem on it's head, send me his thoughts.

Read this aloud. Notice how this sounds a little jumbled up? That's what I mean. If you wanted to write this a bit clearer, it might be easier on the reader to do this:

A small pink cat with a gem on his head sent me his thoughts.

(Also note that you'd need "his" instead of "its." You tell the reader what gender the cat is, so you just want to be consistent about it. If you did want a gender-neutral pronoun, however, remember that "it's" is a contraction for "it is.")

"My Six-grader body needs respect!"

It's not really necessary to capitalize "sixth-grader."

{I'm older than you.}

"Yeah! By a year!"

While this comes closer to the silliness factor you were aiming for, this seems more cartoonish than realistic. I mean, Jack seems completely serious in his argument, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize that it actually sounds ridiculous. (i.e., It contradicts the idea of respecting your elders and isn't a particularly great comeback anyway.) There's a problem with this because he's losing an argument to a Pokémon, but you began the thread with an author's note that proclaims your fic to be a source of realism we're missing in the fandom. It just contradicts itself. You can't really be cartoonish and realistic at the same time.

After my wounds were healed. I made some lunch.

You need a comma after "healed," not a period. Otherwise, the first part of this is a fragment.

I juiced some Oran berries, boiled some bacon, and saw my sister baked some pie, while my dad made some bagels.

So, the kid can cook, but you begin the fic by saying a ten-year-old wouldn't know how to take care of himself. (I'm assuming Jack is eleven or twelve at this point because he's in the fifth grade, going on sixth grade. There's not much of a difference between ten-year-olds and eleven-year-olds.)

She came up and kicked me in the shin.

She's in her twenties, and she's kicking Jack in the shin over his indifference towards the name of her kid? As someone who's lived with girls in their twenties, that seems a bit... out there. I mean, especially considering the fact that she's someone's mother, she probably wouldn't resort to something that a seven-year-old would do over something that's actually pretty minor.

The pink dog

Didn't you describe it earlier as a cat? (You also end the paragraph with the idea that it's a cat, so.)

picked up her up with it's psychic powers.

Read this sentence aloud. Notice the extra "up" in here? Always proofread before submitting.

Also, again, its is a possessive pronoun (i.e., something belongs to it); it's is a contraction for "it is." A handy way of figuring this out would be to look for an apostrophe. No pronoun has an apostrophe in its possessive form.

Five minutes lasted with all of it on tape.

Somebody is filming?

Also, isn't lifting Jack's sister up with psychic powers a bit extreme, just for a shin-kick?

Till a small blue mouse named Typlio came.

I'm assuming Typlio is a Marill, but if not, it should be worth it to note that when you're handling Pokémon, you generally want to make sure you let the reader know what species everything is.

[Espeon, you fool! You have no respect]

[Shut up! FOUR-YEAR-OLD!]

Again, this is something that just feels a little too cartoonish for what you're going for. I mean, I know you're adding a bit of silliness in here, but it just feels like we're watching a couple of eight-year-olds arguing with each other. Typlio is right, and Espeon's response? "Shut up. You're younger than me." No rhyme. No reason. Just "I'm older than you."

buy some thing

Something, when in reference to a vague object, is just one word.

I took some of my money, About 95,000 Poké.

Note that you have a comma in this sentence. It correctly indicates that the part about how much money he's carrying isn't its own sentence, so you don't need to capitalize "about."

I take my bike, I put on my fresh jeans and took off.

See, this is why it's a good thing to read over your work and make sure everything's in the correct order before posting. Otherwise, you end up saying he took his bike and then put on pants, rather than hopefully the other way around. Because this is a realistic fic and all.

It is about five blocks...

Because the rest of your chapter is in the past tense, you'll want to keep everything in the past tense. So, you'll need "was" instead of "is" here.

But with my bike taken away... I had to walk. Oh.. Yeah the bike was taken away from the crash with the wall. It turns out that it made the lamp next to the door fall down and the lamp cracked.

But didn't you have Jack take his bike earlier in the paragr...

….

At this point, I think I'm going to stop trying to tell you how important consistency and proper order of sentences is. It really does feel like you jumped into a stream-of-consciousness, which wouldn't be so bad for an artsy piece. Unfortunately, with fanfiction or something that's actually trying to tell a story and entertain an audience (as opposed to just existing for its own sake), you really want to make sure everything makes sense and is told in a sensical order. That way, your reader won't be rereading paragraphs to figure out what's actually going on.

She has a tan, a bumpy brown hair style and green eyes.

I'm just curious. Why is she the only character (besides the Pokémon) that you're describing on any level? It could say something about Jack and where his interests lie, but this just seems like a one-off character who isn't as important to the plot as Jack and his family are.

Also, you wandered back into present tense again.

It had on the back a piece of writing with the following: "Do you wish your parents would buy something for you? Do you wish phones would cost cheaper? Do you wish your parents would buy a GPS, a new video game console or maybe a video camera? Well, for years us people at Sliph had worked on that. We have finally made a device.... The Pokégear. This device has all of the things mentioned and more. But your parents won't buy that either? Well for ONE day only we have the device on sale! Why, you may ask this is the day? Simple! This is the day of the first time we have made this! From the cost of 999,999,999,999 Poké to... 95,000! It also has no physical upgrades... But you can upgrade the OS! The OS is the model! This has the Internet! The shop has Apps... Made by Sliph or made by Fans!

First off, it's actually Silph. Remember to double-check Pokémon-related names on an online source (like Serebii.net or Bulbapedia) to make sure you're spelling them correctly because they can be tricky. If you made a new company, however, remember that you don't want to have a name too close to something that's pretty big in the Pokémon world unless you're prepared to make sure the readers know it's not the same thing as the canon element. It's just to avoid confusing them further.

Second, it's rather odd that something about a one-day sale is printed directly on a box. On a sign nearby, maybe, but this is packaging put on by a company. Someone could easily pick up the box later and, well, get confused by the entire one-day thing when it no longer applies.

We go up to the clerk. She yells at us! She says that we could NOT of found out about the sale! Sally who's dad works for Sliph explained.

Show, don't tell. As in, you have the potential of showing us one of the few real conflicts in the chapter – an actual argument – but you decide to just tell us that it happened. As a result, we can't exactly imagine what the clerk is actually saying, and we certainly can't picture the reactions the characters are experiencing. In other words, it ends up being vague to us, so we can't really feel like we're right there next to the characters. That's not a good thing if you want to hold on to your readers' interest.

We headed home. I ripped opened that stupid box after I got home.

Didn't he go out and buy it for Sally, not himself?

She had to stay home because she had no mother and her dad was on a trip.

If a ten-year-old can't go on a journey by themselves, why would it be okay for an eleven-year-old to be left to take care of herself and a house for long periods of time?

"If you give me a lesson on computers tomorrow, or you will not sleepover here ever again.

Jack's mother has Jack, his brother, and his older sister. Why is she demanding that a house guest teach her how to use computers? (If there is a reason behind this, then it's something that should probably be brought up in the fic. Also, you'll probably want to think carefully about how his mother would request this. I mean, do your friends' mothers demand that you do anything?)

After this, I sort of got lazy in terms of the grammatical review.

That being said, um...

To put it gently, you've got a lot of problems here. Aside from the grammar (which really isn't as distracting in comparison), your narration is all over the place. Some sentences don't even actually make sense because the wording looks a lot like you keep trying to go off into seven different directions within the same sentence. Paragraphs are pretty much the same way. There's inconsistencies and plot holes all over the place.

Then, you've got the characterization. A lot of the characters around Jack just seem to be one-dimensional – like they're all acting like eight-year-olds. They get into arguments over trivial things (like the name of the nephew), use a lot more force than necessary in settling these fights (the Psychic to lift the sister into the air), throw tantrums when they really shouldn't (the clerk at the store insisting that they shouldn't know about a sale... for no apparent reason), and finish off with demanding things from all the wrong people (the mother demanding the computer lessons from the house guest). It feels like that's what you meant by silliness, but there's really better ways of trying to be funny than making your cast look, well, childish. Try to think about how you interact with the people around you. How does your friend's mother treat you? How do the clerks in the stores treat you when you find something on sale? How do you and your siblings talk to each other? That's where you can find your realism: by answering those questions and building characters that act naturally. As in, if you can make a character that the reader feels they can encounter on the street, there's your realism.

Also, don't try to force humor. Humor is about timing and content. It's not really funny to watch a mother demand computer lessons from a house guest. It might be funny if the computer started smoking, and the mother tried to get her own child to fix it, thinking it would only be a ten-minute job. That's the kind of thing you might see in real life, and it's the kind of thing that might put a smile on your face if you heard that it happened to someone else.

Furthermore, description. Aside from descriptions about the Pokémon, we only get one line, and I'm pretty sure it's about Sally. (Again, it was a little hard to tell thanks to how rushed that scene was.) As a result, there wasn't really much of an opportunity to imagine what was going on. We couldn't get a clear image of Jack (except that he's fairly short, at least) or anything or anyone around him. Remember, your reader isn't you, so we can't see into your head and watch things play out. So, you have to make sure you give us clear details to allow us to picture in our heads the scene you're imagining.

On that note, show, don't tell. If you have a character say something, don't just say, She said that (insert information here). Have the actual conversation between the characters happen. Show us what each character says and how everyone reacts physically and verbally. That way, we can get one step closer to feeling as if we're right next to the characters. (This is the feeling you want to evoke because it means you've grabbed the reader's attention enough to submerge them into your world. In other words, this point would mean you've successfully entertained them.)

To put it short, you're right now running a risk of confusing the reader, either because the way you're wording things is off or because the characters/description/plot was going all over the place. My advice would be to slow down. Proofread carefully. Maybe go over this with a beta reader to make sure everything sounds all right before you post. You can get better, but you've just got to slow yourself down and really think things through.