My Poem

[Star6]

Thiese are poems I had to write for an antholgy for schoool. The topic of my anthology was Fantasy.

Swords And War

In this war children who can barely mount a horse, await death.
In this war men who are fathers and husbands, await death.
In this war elders who have already fought thier share of wars, await death.
In this war children that have lost there fathers , await death.
In this war wives who know their husbands are going to die, await death.
In this war horses who are mounted by warriors clad in armor, awit death.

When this war starts forests will be burned to the ground.
When this war starts lives will be lost becuase of one's person's greed.
When this war starts walls, houses, and farms will fall to greed.
When this war starts bloodlines will stop eruditely.
When this war starts innocent people will become slaves.
When this war starts a culture will be lost and forgotten.

After this war both sides will suffer causalities.
After this war rivers will be red with blood.
After this war the dead will lie on the field wishing for life.
After this war one person's greed that started this war is not yet full.
After this war ground where a great city once stood is now a field littered with bodies.
After this war people and there person will be forgotten.
After this war nothing is gained but too much is lost.

Death By Sword

Today we fight to
Save our kingdom and culture.
Death awaits our souls.

 

[Finglonger]

"In this war children who can barely mount a horse, await death.
In this war men who are fathers and husbands, await death.
In this war elders who have already fought thier share of wars, await death.
In this war children that have lost there fathers , await death.
In this war wives who know their husbands are going to die, await death.
In this war horses who are mounted by warriors clad in armor, awit death"

- I really don't care for this stanza, its definetly not the strong part of this poem. This is extremely vague, and the wording is awkward. when I read this it just screamed re- write. You don't establish there being a war prior to this and it makes it very confusing. also the repetiton here is not needed, and convulutes the poem making it hard to read. either revise this stanza or just rewrite the whole thing.

"hen this war starts lives will be lost becuase of one's person's greed.
When this war starts walls, houses, and farms will fall to greed."

-try to find a synonym for greed instead of using it twice

"After this war the dead will lie on the field wishing for life."

-er wishing for life, doesn't really make any sense. I think you maybe meant to say wounded wishing for death or something along those lines. lol sorry I couldn't think of anything more eloquent its late x_x


"Today we fight to
Save our kingdom and culture.
Death awaits our souls"

-yeah this is pretty well written right here. sorry to be anal, but I really don't like the use of the word culture here lol, but besides that this part is my favorite : D

-okay overall all fairly well written, but eh the whole repetition spiel really doesn't spark my interest. Even though you have a good wiritng style it makes it boring and hard to read. Also I would like to see more variety in your diction, and maybe make it a little less vague, then you'll be good to go : D.

Oh yeah and would you do me a favor and comment on one of my poems that nobody has commented on for some reason. I think its a few threads down, its called "seduction in B minor" If you would just tell me what you think, I would realy appreciate it. k thanx