olih's poems

[olih]

Hi there, I'm pretty new to poetry, so my writing's going to be bad at first. But hey, everything has to start somewhere right? I first started getting into poetry a bit in 6th grade, which is when I wrote my first poem, Day of Blue. I am workng on a second poem right now, called Fire. I'm trying to make Fire very detailed and meaningful, so it might be some time before it's finished. If you can and want to, could you please review my poems and offer some criticism on them? Thanks to all who took the time to read my these! Well, here they are:

Day of Blue-

Spoiler:

Day of Blue


The calm blue mood of the sweet blue air
Dancing over the sky with a constant
Healthy glow
Pure in its light
Skipping
Twirling high
Above a rippling blue-green sea
So peaceful in that happy
Blue way
Before the dark traffic
Of the indigo reign
Of the night
Then, the night itself comes lumbering along
Silent deep blue coming with it
Finally, it fades, giving way to the joyous periwinkle of dawn
Streaked with pink
The sun comes up, scattering its rays over all of the dusty blue waves
Calm afternoon flows in peacefully again
The liberty blue of the US flag fills the sky
Strewn with sapphire stars, it vanishes into azure
Forever following, the blue day starts again
Always, another day
A day of blue.

 

[TJgamer]

I like its creativity. And the choice of words too. They keep the poem interesting.
For being your first poem, and in sixth grade, this is very original.
Now a couple flaws are its strange pattern and the US Flag reference, which I think was a bit too much of a departure from the rest of this poem.
But I still liked this poem a lot! Keep up the great work!

 

[olih]

Thanks! I worked pretty hard on it, and even though I say it myself, it does sound pretty cool. Now 'Fire' is probably going to be totally different. Fire's turning out to sound like some sort of sacrificial chant...

 

[Lily]

Oh wow, you wrote that in 6th grade? =O I will keep this in mind as I review.

- First off, I would highly suggest to get rid of the underlining. It's a bit unnecessary.
- Remember that poetry flows. I wouldn't capitalize the letter just because it's the first line. Think of your lines as connected unless punctuation states otherwise. It helps with reading it, too.
- I would get rid of some unnecessary words, i.e.

Calm blue mood of sweet blue air

Before the dark traffic
Of indigo reign
Of night
Then, night itself comes lumbering along

Which brings me to my next point.

- Repetition. In poetry, think of every word you use. Each word is significant and has an impact, unlike prose. So when you write things such as,

The calm blue mood of the sweet blue air

Above a rippling blue-green sea

Blue way

Of the night
Then, the night itself comes lumbering along
Silent deep blue coming with it

The sun comes up, scattering its rays over all of the dusty blue waves

I do understand the poem is centered around 'blue,' but I personally didn't enjoy how it sounded being read out loud. There are a lot of other ways to describe 'blue' than just the word itself. You put in azure, indigo, sapphire - then blue, blue, blue. Of course, it is your call in the end, but that's just my two cents.

I also agree with what TFgamer mentioned. The US flag does seem out of place in the whole imagery.

Overall, I think the the premise of the poem is beautiful. I don't have any problem with the title or meaning. What I do think will help it is to reword some of the things in there that sound a bit plain, and find new ways of describing this 'blue.' For style, you can try indenting some lines, too. Experiment with that. Read your own poem outloud, have others read it outloud for you.

Of course, you wrote this in 6th grade so I'm still pretty impressed with the imagination. You can make this so much better with revision now, and I sincerely hope you visit it again. =D