Orange Island Sinking

[POKE'WIN]

This is my first fan fiction that i have ever made so
please tell me for errors.
Thanks now read.




It is the final battle You are battling the last gym leader of the islands.Suddenly you hear a loud crash outside.
You and the Gym leader walk outside the gym.You walk to the edge of the islands going past the pokemon center and a house.
The edge of the island was crowed with lots of people.
They were all looking over the edge and some were looking a a cave that looked important.
you walk over to a person with a red hat and a blue shirt with green pants..
You were about to ask one whats happening when you see that the water is dark purple and the island looks like its sinking.
The Gym leader looks over near a rock near the edge.There are people hiding behind the rock.
They were wearing white cloths with a purple R on there tshirt.The Gym Leader jumps into the shallows of the purple water and went
near the rock.
Team Rocket run off behind the Pc and mart till they escape on a boat.
Then Professor Ivy Runs over to the crowd from her lab and says"The Island Life support System
is Down.The Gym leader runs to the cave that People were looking at.
Some of the crowd follow.You walk over to the Cave.
The cave is the size of a normal house.There are 4 Rocks the size of cars inside.Inside there is a big Hole to put a plug in water is going up from the hole.
You ask the gym leader whats happening and she says that if we dont get the
Plug back in the hole the island will flood.The cave starts breaking down
and rocks fall from the roof.
You and Everyone else run outside the cave before it Collapses.
Every body runs to the boat shed and there boats but they all have been destroyed by Team
Rocket.No Body had a water Pokemon except you.
All the pokemon and people on the island were all in there houses which were sinking and getting Flooded.All the flying and water pokemon escaped to another island.People were calling people on phones,pokegears and pokenavs
to send a boat.No body had any or the money to get one.
You run over to the edge of the island and notice that Team Rocket is stuck on the island.
You jump down off the small cliff and land straight in a pit trap.Team Rocket start laughing
and they get a net a take your pokeball out of your pocket.
You hold on to there net but they pull it off you.
They send out a koffing and toxic gas comes out of it.
You remember that you have an escape rope in your bag.
You throw it up and steaidly climb up the Pit.You get to the top and send out a piplup that you have in your bag.
You ask it to do water gun on koffing.
Its a direct hit koffing faints and the gas starts clearing.
You get piplup to use whirlepool on team rocket.
A nice whirlepool appears and hits team rocket.
They faint quickly and a plug comes out of there pocket.
You run over to take it.
Then you run up the cliff(sounds impossible)
Then a blast of water hits you half way up the cliff.
At trainer is blasting you with water gun.
When you get half way up the trainer sees that your not team rocket so he stops using water gun.
You run past him and go to where the cave used to be.
As soon as you get there you see that there is a cliff you have to scale to get to the hole.
You jump and make it.
You put the plug in the hole.
Suddenly the islands water Turns blue again
and the water gets lower.
You here every one cheering outside.
You Walk outside where there are people everywhere.
THE END.


POKEWIN.

 

[Lash]

This is such epic phail, I do not even know where the hell to begin.

I might as well just begin with the classic WALL OF TEXT, WALL OF TEXT line, so I will. WALL OF TEXT, WALL OF TEXT, use the freaking enter button. ENTER BUTTON, ENTER BUTTON.

And, the reader is the main character? Make your own characters, and put description in there, and paint an image in the readers head :x

Grammar Advice Thread
Fanfiction Writing Guide
Revision Bin, where all beginning fanfics like this should go.

 

[Sydian]

Well, I'm not going to be as blunt as my brother has been prior to this.

It is the final battle you are battling the last gym

Really, now? I am going to the last gym? :'D I feel honored and all, but I shouldn't be the one going.

This isn't making sense how you're dragging the reader(literally) into the battle. You should have your own character taking this fight, not me. xD

leader of the islands.when you hear a loud crash outside.

?

"When you hear a loud crash outside." is not a complete sentence. However,

"Suddenly, there was a loud crash." is a complete sentence.

As for the rest of it, proper nouns need to be capitalized. Professor Ivy, not "prof ivy". Don't abbreviate professor. That's incorrect.

The plot seems a bit overused. It looks like just another crappy anime episode to me.

While you do have some description going, it is not enough. I'd like to know what the scenery looks like. If I really wanted to, I could just picture the cave as a brightly lit up dining room, just because you didn't describe it.

Most of your sentences are fragments or incomplete, some just very short and aren't making sense.

Also, something very important, you need to put spaces in the story. Quite like I have in this review. Hit enter twice when something different is going on, someone new is being introduced, or someone new is speaking.

I know you didn't use speaking in this story, but it would've made it a lot more interesting.

And use your own characters. This story make it seem like us, the readers, are the main character. It makes the story pretty awkward.

The plot wasn't very good, either. Like I said, it's like an over used, crappy anime episode.

-Silver

 

[DGexe]

I won't bother touching up on what has already been said (grammar) because that would be boring… to me, at least. Ahem, what I shall address is the usually neglected concept of second person.

Believe it or not, second person can be used for a story and it can look great. The problem is that most readers go "Bleh! Do not want!" when they read a tale in second person and instantly flee. Even I tend to do this. Conveying something in second person is a tricky perspective to even deal with, and few people want to bother bringing it up.

My rambles aside, here are a few pointers concerning second-person, or the usage of "you" as the main character and the events surrounding "you".

First and foremost, I've seen second person conveyed in two categories:
1) The Memory—this is typically a flashback or relay of events that has happened to the "you" character. Why on Earth, Exodus, or the Pokémon World someone would refer to themselves as "you", I don't know; still, I've found at least one tale where this turned out alright, and I hope the author can forgive me for showing off her story.
November IV
The story is very descriptive and actually has a very interesting little plot, even for something so small.


2) The Conveyer—this usually pertains to someone relaying events to the "You" character, and these events pertain to the "You". Wherever it was that I saw this, I believe that the "You" character had amnesia and was being told about stuff that happened to them via another character, the narrator of this tale. I wish I could find it again. Ah well.

Now then, sometimes it's good to make a note in the narration or in OoC notes that, of course, the reader isn't the "You" mentioned; you'll see that in November IV, the author makes an OoC note that she's jumping in our little "Story about your character" bandwagon; ergo, we understand as readers that the "You" is the character November IV and not ourselves. This also makes more sense if you've ever rp'd with the character in question, but I don't know how many folks on this forum play Furcadia.

All that unrelated stuff aside...

I'll be moving on to what makes a second-person perspective tale so good to read. It follows the same basic group of principles that makes first and third look good: grammar and spelling, good description, good conveying of ideas, etc. No matter which of the three you choose, you need to be sure that as an author, you write clearly so as not to befuddle your dear readers!

Despite the fact that this story didn't turn out well, don't be discourage (if that's happened yet or shall occur); second person is a tricky thing to work with, but it can be carefully played out and composed very well.

Anyway, I hope this ramble helped, somehow. ^^