[Pokémon] Pokémon Critical Fail: Fire Red

[Reginald Cosmic]

What's in this fan fiction?
This is the adventure of an ill-behaved 13-year-old Pokémon Trainer Nester exploring the Kanto region. It contains crude humor and other nonsense. I wrote it as a "discovery writer" to get out of my habit of not writing full stories. I usually do meticulous planning, and I haven't published anything in quite some time. This story is rated Fiction T because it features content not suitable for people under 13, so take note of the Content Warnings.

Content Warning For This Chapter: This fanfiction is Rated T. This chapter contains lots of crude humor, frequent rude/inappropriate words, cartoon violence among monsters, cartoon violence among humans, infrequent mild coarse language, one reference to alcohol consumption by an adult, and some crude adult humor.

Pokémon Critical Fail: Fire Red

Chapter One

Written by Reginald Cosmic

When the hyperactive thirteen-year-old Nester left his shack in Pallet Town for a better life with only $3,000 to his name and no Pokémon, he was bent on becoming the new champion of the Indigo League. "Hey, Mom, I'm heading out! Your insulin is in the sock drawer!" he exclaimed. Thus, he began his epic journey through the Kanto Region.

Nester barged into Professor Oak's laboratory by kicking the door open. He yelled out, "Hey, Oak, the door was unlocked! Can I have a Pokémon!"

Professor Oak's grandson expressed disappointment, "Oh, it's only Nester…! Sorry, but Gramps isn't around. I'm waiting for him to give me my first Pokémon, so I can start my journey. Why don't you go take a long walk off a short pier?"

Nester then said, "Up yours, mate," as he turned around to leave.

"Stop saying 'mate.' We're not British!"

Nester left the lab and began heading north to Route 1. "Maybe if I hit a Rattata with a rock hard enough, I can catch it and make it my first Pokémon."

Thus, Nester walked into the tall grass by himself, but before he could get far, someone called out for him to stop.

"Stop! It's dangerous to go out into the tall grass!" It was Professor Oak, the ultimate authority on Pokémon research in the country of … wherever it is Hoenn, Johto, Kanto, and Sinnoh are located. Oak ran up to Nester and said, "You clearly need a Pokémon for your protection. I know. Please come with me."

Professor Oak escorted Nester back to his lab. "Now, are you a boy or a girl?"

"I can write my name in the snow with my pee," said Nester proudly.

"Now then, tell me your name," said Oak.

"Oh, my gosh…" said his grandson.

"Champion," said Nester.

"Too many characters," said Oak.

"Dang it!" said Nester, "It was worth a shot. All right, my name is Nester."

"This is my grandson. He's been your rival since you were a baby. Erm, what is his name again?"

"Asshat," said Nester without hesitation.

"Ah, yes, his parents knew what he would be the day he was born," said Oak.

"My name is Kaz!" complained Oak's grandson.

"Right, the bare essentials have been met," said Oak. "Nester, pick a Pokémon, so my grandson can pick the one that beats it in the big game of rock-paper-scissors we call life."

Nester hit Oak with the important question, "Is this Gen I Kanto?"

"…" Oak was surprised, "No, Nester."

"Cuz you gotta tell me if it is!" demanded Nester.

"This fan fiction is based on the Gen III remakes," said Oak.

"Okay, yeah! I choose Charmander," said Nester.

"That's cool," said Kaz picking his starter, "Squirtle's the most effective choice for this region anymore. Bulbasaur's not without its charm."

"All right, boys," said Oak, "I hope you two are happy with your starter selection because your adventure is about to start."

"Hey, Nester, I challenge you to a Pokémon battle!" said Kaz.

"Ah, man, I don't want a stupid turtle as my first opponent!" protested Nester.

"What's wrong? Did you forget the potion in your PC Box?" asked Kaz.

"Your mom has a PC box," said Nester.

"Dude, what the heck?! My Gramps is right over there," said Kaz.

Oak interrupted the discussion, "No, boys, you're supposed to use your Pokémon to battle, not your middle school insults."

"Oh, right," said Nester and Kaz in unison.

Nester began his first rival battle with Kaz. Kaz sent out his level 5 Squirtle, and Nester sent out his level 5 Charmander.

Charmander used Scratch, and Squirtle used Tackle. Charmander used Scratch again, and Squirtle used Tail Whip. This went on for a while until Charmander won by a hair.

"Ah, man, this sucks," said Kaz, "Hey, Gramps, since we're both beginners, this first battle's on you, right?"

"Hell no!" said Oak.

So, Kaz had to give Nester $80.

"You were only carrying $160 when you lost to me?" asked Nester.

"Shut up!" barked Kaz.

"All right, boys," said Oak, "get out there and fight some Pokémon!"

…

Nester made his way through Route 1 with his Charmander. He defeated some Rattata and some Pidgey along the way to Viridian City. Soon enough he arrived at the first Pokémon Center.

The nurse said, "Hello, and welcome to the Pokémon Center. Would you like us to heal your Pokémon to perfect health?"

"Hey, Nurse Joy," said Nester.

"That's … not my name…" she said.

"Listen, I just left Pallet Town for the first time, so I gotta finally ask: Why did my mom have to pay the hospital for my broken leg that one time I went I tried jumping into that kid's pool from the roof?"

"I don't understand," she said.

"Your services at the Pokémon Center are free, right?" asked Nester. "I just don't understand why it costs money for a human to get healthcare if the monsters can be healed immediately at no cost in a matter of seconds."

"That's probably because the healing machine at the Pokémon Center only works on Pokémon."

"Why did they invent a monster healing machine before a human healing machine?"

"Well, uhhh," said Nurse Joy. She then made a startling realization and began to panic, "Oh, my lord, I don't know!"

After Charmander was good and healed up, Nester began to walk towards the Viridian City Gym. (The gym leader of Viridian was always too busy traveling the region to do his job, so there was usually some kid to fill his position.) Unfortunately for Nester, the road was blocked off by an old man lying in the street.

"I absolutely forbid you from going through here," said the drunk old man, "This is private property." It's funny because it was canon in Japan.

"Well, since I can't challenge the Viridian Forest gym," said Nester, "I guess I'll go to the PokéMart."

As soon as Nester stepped foot into the store, the guy behind the counter called out, "Hey, kid, did you come from Pallet Town?"

Nester nodded.

"All right, Professor Oak's package just came in. I need you to take it back to him."

"Sure thing." Nester grabbed the bag and exited the store.

Nester took it over to Professor Oak's laboratory right away. "Here's your package, Professor! What's in it?"

Professor Oak opened the package and said, "a new laptop battery."

"…" Nester was disappointed. "I thought you were gonna say it was super dumb and embarrassing."

"Huh?" said Oak.

Kaz walked back into the laboratory. "Hey, Gramps, I just realized you forgot to give us each a PokéDex."

Professor Oak looked at Kaz, and Kaz looked at him. After about 20 seconds, Oak said, "I'm sorry. What did you want again?"

"The PokéDex, the machine that automatically compiles data on captured Pokémon," said Kaz, angrily.

"Oh, yes," said Oak. He grabbed the two machines behind him and handed one to Nester and one to Kaz. "Here you go. Have fun."

Kaz then became enraged. "That's it?! You act like you don't even give a damn!" Kaz turned his back and said, "Whatever… Smell ya later, Gramps!" before leaving.

"So how do I collect data on the other two starter Pokémon," asked Nester.

"Uhhh…? Okay." Oak feigned laughter. "You're gonna find this really funny, but …" he paused. "Those three Pokémon are kind of the last Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Charmander in the region, so you won't be able to."

Nester burst out laughing, "Ha, that is really funny! Boy, I'm sure glad there's no rewards attached to PokéDex completion, right?"

Oak looked at Nester with a serious, worried expression.

"There's no rewards attached to PokéDex completion, right?"

Oak then said, "Okay, don't get mad."

"What? What?" asked Nester.

"There's a really important item attached to PokéDex completion."

"Okay, maybe I can work with this. How many species?"

"Fifty," said Oak.

"Geez, that's gonna take me like four gym badges," complained Nester. "All right, which one is it? Is it like the item finder? A good TM like Hidden Power?"

Oak then said, "The Gen III Exp. Share."

"WHAT?!" said Nester in shock.

"I'm so sorry," said Oak hiding his face in his hand.

"Why would you do that?! That's like such an important item for minimizing grinding in these games!" Nester looked at the camera and said, "I mean, it kind of breaks the game in Gen VI."

Oak looked at the camera too, "Yeah, Gen VII also."

"Yeah," said Nester. He went back to berating Oak, "What were you thinking though?! Why would you do that?!"

"I don't know. It was late at night," said Oak. "I was tired and not thinking clearly."

"Yeah, but 50?! You gotta be kidding me!"

"Oh, wait," said Oak.

"What?" asked Nester.

"You need 60 to rechallenge the Elite Four and their stronger teams."

"I wasn't planning on doing that anyway," said Nester. "Still though, you suck!"

"I know," said Professor Oak defeated.

…

Nester was soon back on Route 1 to catch his first Pokémon. "All right, let's start by catching a Pidgey. That's a decent early-game Pokémon, right?"

Nester encountered a Rattata. Charmander knocked it down to low health with Scratch, and then Nester caught it in a Pokéball.

"Did I just catch a Rattata as my first Pokémon?! Dang, I need better standards!"

Nester encountered a Pidgey next. "Oh, boy, here we go!" Charmander used Scratch, and Pidgey used Tackle. Nester threw a Pokéball, but it failed to catch the Pidgey. "Dang! What a waste of a Pokéball!" Pidgey used Tackle, and Nester threw another Pokéball. This time it worked.

"There we go! First new party member!"

Nester began training Charmander and Pidgey. "Man, I hate tedious grinding."

As nightfall came, Nester then walked into Route 22. "Hey, guys, what's on this route?"

"It is beyond your comprehension!" yelled Kaz, showing up out of nowhere to scare the crap out of Nester. "Hahaha! You should've seen your face!"

"Shut up, Kaz!" yelled Nester, getting back on his feet and then dusting himself off.

Kaz then said, "Well, it looks like neither of us can get through without the Boulder Badge. I bet you haven't even challenged the Viridian City gym."

Nester put his hand on Kaz's shoulder and firmly said, "Guess where that hand's been."

"Ah, you're a dick!" said Kaz.

"My bare behind," said Nester.

After another 15 minutes of this, Kaz challenged Nester to another Pokémon battle.

Nester sent out Charmander, but this time, Kaz sent out Pidgey. "Oh, what?! You got a Pidgey too!"

Kaz then yelled, "You caught one after I did? You copycat!"

"You're the copycat!" Nester yelled, "Charmander, use Ember."

Charmander used Ember on Pidgey.

"Pidgey, use sand attack," commanded Kaz. Pidgey tossed sand in Charmander's eyes. Charmander's accuracy fell.

"Uh, oh, I don't like the sound of that."

"Pidgey, hit 'em with Tackle," said Kaz.

"Charmander, use Ember first!" yelled Nester.

Charmander used Ember, and Pidgey fainted.

Nester withdrew Charmander. "Go, Pidgey!"

"Squirtle, I choose you!" yelled Kaz.

"Hey," yelled Nester, "That's for protagonists only!"

"Nuh uh," said Kaz.

"Yuh huh," said Nester. "Pidgey, use Gust."

While Squirtle alternated between Tackle and Tail Whip, Pidgey used Gust four times and scored the K.O.

"Ohhh!" complained Kaz, "You just lucked out, you!"

Kaz gave Nester a bigger sum of prize money this time. "Smell ya later!" he said before walking off.

Nester walked into the Indigo League HQ, but true to the word of Kaz, the guard wouldn't let him through without the boulder badge.

"Dumb guard!" complained Nester as if he was going to challenge the Elite Four immediately. "Oh, hey, a Mankey! Charmander, I choose you! (See? It's better when I say it.) Use Scratch!"

Charmander used Scratch, and Mankey used Scratch.

Nester then said, "Go, Pokéball," but Mankey broke free. "Go, Pokéball?" Mankey broke free again. "Dang it, Mankey, that was my last ball!" So Nester calmly ordered Charmander to beat Mankey with Ember.

"Back to the PokéMart," said Nester, defeated.

Nester bought some Pokéballs, some more Potions, and some Antidotes for Viridian Forest.

Soon enough, Nester made his way to the north side of Viridian to visit the gym.

"Ah, yes," said the old man from earlier, "I've had my coffee now."

"Listen, I really don't care," said Nester before being interrupted.

"Let me show you how to catch a Pokémon!" yelled the old man.

The old man summoned a Weedle out of nowhere and caught it with a Pokéball (with the Weedle at full health).

"Now was that not educational!" said the old man.

"What was educational?" asked Nester.

"Here, you can have this Teachy TV. It'll spoon-feed you," said the old man.

Nester acted super weirded out before smiling and leaving, "Whatever you say, crazy old man."

"The younger generation and their dang digital PokéDex, right, Weedle?"

Weedle then started to fade into oblivion, "The accident was ten years ago, master. You need to let me go!"

The old man stared into the setting sun. He shed a single tear.

Back to the protagonist, Nester couldn't open the gym doors. "Hey, what gives?!"

A middle-aged man explained, "This kid with a Squirtle beat the substitute gym leader while 'switch-training' the Pidgey and then destroyed him with such emotional damage that the other young gym leader protégé went into retirement out of shame!"

Nester rubbed the back of his head, "Um, damn…"

The next morning, Nester went back towards Route 2, "All right, rare encounter Viridian Forest Pikachu, ready or not, here I come!"

"…and so our hero embarks on his new journey through the Kanto Region. What exciting adventures await this young man on his quest for power? Find out in the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball!"

--

Author's Note: Thank you for reading through the first chapter. I hope you found entertainment in it. It was a lot of fun to write without much planning, and I hope I'll be able to complete the story some day. I'm hoping to have the next chapter done by the end of October, but I cannot promise that.

 

[Helene Howell]

As a result, the story contains crude humor, nonsensical elements, and other humorous and lighthearted moments.

 

[Reginald Cosmic]

Pokémon Critical Fail: Fire Red

Chapter Two

Written by Reginald Cosmic

Content Warning For This Chapter: This fanfiction is Rated T. It contains crude humor, some adult crude humor, cartoon violence among monsters, and mild depiction of bullying.

Nester continued into Viridian Forest with his loyal Charmander, his trusty Pidgeotto, and his soon-to-be-abandoned Rattata. "A natural maze, huh? Good thing I brought the town map." He opened the town map. "Oh, I guess it doesn't tell me how to get to the other end…" He stopped for a moment. "Whatever, I wanted to hunt for a Pikachu anyway!"

After about ten minutes, Nester found a Pikachu. "That didn't take long. Go, Charmander!" The battle began. "Charmander, use Scratch and be super gentle." Charmander obeyed. Charmander used Scratch and knocked the Pikachu's health down to about half. Charmander got hit by Pikachu's growl. Nester then used a Pokeball, and just like that, Pikachu was caught. "Not too bad: I got my Viridian Forest Pikachu, and it's level 5 instead of level 3, so less grinding." Nester then thought to himself for a minute, "Why am I talking about grinding?"

So, Nester continued training with his Charmander, Pidgey, Pikachu, and even a Caterpie for a while.

At some point, Nester's Caterpie evolved into Metapod. This prompted Nester to battle Bug Catcher Charlie's Metapod to see whose Metapod could "harden" better.

"LOL," said Nester out loud, "it hardened so much, its stats won't go up anymore."

Charlie then said, "I hate you so much right now!"

Nester continued, "Harden off. I win cuz mine hardens harder."

Charlie yelled, "I mean it!"

Nester continued further, "I bet I'm not supposed to be doing this."

"ERRGH!" grunted Charlie.

"Whew," said Nester.

So after some time, Nester pushed onwards to Pewter City.

"Did you visit the Pewter City Museum," asked a townsperson.

"Freakin'… no?" said Nester, a bit confused.

"Oh, you haven't? You simply have to go." The man started dragging Nester along with him.

"Hey, let go of me," yelled Nester. "Kidnapped!"

So the NPC pepper sprayed Nester. "The pain is intense. I know I don't sound like I'm suffering, but trust me: I am!"

So, Nester attended the Pewter City Museum. "This sucks! Why'd I pay fifty dollars for this? Wait. Is our currency based on the Japanese yen? Was it really more like fifty cents?"

A man said to Nester, "July 21, 1969. That was the day man walked on the moon. I bought a color TV to see it."

"Oh, right, we used to have an America in these games," Nester said.

"What?" said the old man.

"Huh?" said Nester.

"Daddy, I want a Pikachu," said one little girl in the museum.

"Yes, a Pikachu soon, I promise," said the father.

Nester then sent out his Pikachu and commanded it to start flexing in front of the little girl who began crying.

An attendant said, "Young man, you're disrupting the museum. Please leave."

"That wasn't part of the deal," said Nester.

"Don't make me get tough," said the attendant.

"I bet I can beat you at a Pokemon battle," said Nester.

"Well, I don't have Pokemon with me."

"Looks like I win!" said Nester. The attendant had to take the loss and go back to his post.

After a couple of hours of screwing around to get his money's worth, Nester left the museum.

The man who originally dragged him to the museum said, "Weren't those fossils exquisite?!"

"Take a hike," said Nester.

"All right," said Nester, "It's time for me to get my first gym badge."

Nester walked into the Pewter City Gym and talked to a nice man at the front.

"I'm no trainer, but I can coach you. Let me take you to the top!"

"Yes," said Nester.

The coach then said, "The rock-type is weak to water-type and grass-type Pokemon. Also, all of Brock's Pokemon are also ground-type, so electricity won't have any effect whatsoever."

"What about fire?" asked Nester.

"No, it's not effective, plus Brock uses burn heal, I think."

"Ah, darn."

Nester walked towards Brock but was stopped by the gym trainer who said, "Hold it right there, kid!"

Nester said, "Now what?"

"You're still ten thousand lightyears from facing Brock," said the gym trainer.

"Did you hear about Joe?" asked Nester.

"Who's Joe?" asked the camper.

"Joe mama!" said Nester. Nester and the nice man high fived, and some ladies were there to laugh too, and the gym trainer's parents were laughing too, and eventually, the gym trainer went home crying like he was in his underwear at the mall.

When the laughter dissipated, Nester walked up to Brock and said, "Hey, Brock, let's get it on."

Brock said, "Why'd you pick the fire-type?"

"It looked cool, and it becomes a dragon?"

Brock said, "You can't just declare a non-dragon-type Pokemon a dragon?"

"Yes huh," said Nester.

"Let's settle this in a battle."

Thus, the battle began. Nester sent out Charmander, and Brock sent out his Geodude.

"Charmander, use Metal Claw," shouted Nester. Metal Claw dealt a lot of damage but did not defeat Geodude.

Geodude used tackle.

"What? That was supposed to be a one-shot. Okay, use Metal Claw again."

Charmander did it again, but Geodude still didn't go down.

"Ah, man, how did people even do this back in 1998?"

So, Geodude used Defense Curl. Charmander used Metal Claw one more time, and Geodude finally went down.

Brock then sent out Onyx.

"All right, Charmander, use Metal Claw." Brock's Onix used Tackle. So Charmander used Metal Claw, and Brock's Onyx used Rock Tomb.

"Ah, jee~eez!" said Nester. "I guess I'll go to the Pokemon Center now."

"No," said Brock, "There's no running from a trainer battle."

Nester's eye twitched a bit.

So after Nester ran out of useable Pokemon and scurried to the Pokemon Center, he began grinding some more before challenging Brock again.

"That does it, Brock! Get ready for round 2!" yelled Nester.

Brock who was somehow nearby remarked, "Oh, yeah, it's nice to see you're still trying so hard to—"

"Can it!" yelled Nester.

So after Charmander finished off the Geodude, (and Nester's Charmander reached level 16), Nester sent out Pikachu in the hopes that Pikachu's "static" ability would paralyze Onix, which actually worked once Onix used Bind.

So Pikachu used Growl a couple of times, and Onix was paralyzed for a few turns. Then Pikachu was healed with a potion, and Onix was still paralyzed, and then Pikachu was freed from bind, and Charmander was sent out. "Pikachu, that's enough! Come back!"

Charmander began spamming Metal Claw. Charmander tanked two Rock Tombs, and then Nester healed with a potion, but eventually, Charmander used Metal Claw enough times to knock down the Onix. (Onix losing 75% of its speed to paralysis helped a lot.)

Brock awarded Nester the Boulder Badge, and then Charmander evolved into Charmeleon. "Cool," said Nester. "That battle sucked. I hate you, Brock. I'm taking your Rock Tomb TM and getting out of here."

"Gosh, what a poor sport!" said Brock.