[Pokémon] Pokemon: Destiny Heroes

[Grindor]

[Prologue]
In the world of Pokemon, there are many regions to explore. A surplus of adventure awaits around every corner, with new friends, Pokemon, and places to explore. Along with companions, however, are those that sought to abuse the power of the world. This is a story of that sort. Welcome to the Region, of Xat.



[Chapter 1]
"You think I'm gonna lose? Charizard, end it!" BUZZ!!!!!!!!! BUZZ!!!!!!!!! Tim shook his head as he awoke to the sound of his alarm. He was wet from the hot temperature that has been occuring lately. This is our hero, Tim, who resides is Hammerhead City, a busy city. Tim then realized the date. Today, his adventure as a trainer would begin! He dashed down the stairs and scarfed down a plate of hot oatmeal. "Tim," cried his Mom. "Don't do anything crazy! Call me!" Tim stopped dead in his tracks. "Don't worry Mom, I'll be fine." And with that, Tim's journey began.


[Chapter 2]
Tim rode his bike at full speed to the main Pokemon Lab. He parked it outfront, and went inside. "Ah come in! You must be Tim." Tim looked to see two very old men, one he recognized all too well. "Professor Oak? From the Kanto region? What are you doing here!" The other of the men came up. "Ahem, allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Willow. I asked Oak to come to Xat so we can understand the disturbances in the weather. Anyways, seeing as you're here, I believe it's time for you to make your choice." Willow pulled a case out, and inside were 3 Pokeballs, nicely cleaned for the occasion. Willow had a smile on his face. He was happy about new trainers. "On the left, is Charmander, the hot-headed fire-type. In the middle is Bulbasaur, the gentle grass-type. On the right, is Squirtle, the energetic water-type. So, which one will it be?" Tim thought for a second. "I want...."

[Chapter 3]
Before Tim could finish, the roof busted up. Everyone collapsed to the floor. A heliopter was right above the Lab. Two people, of identical appearance came down ropes, accompanying a man in a bluish robe. He had a red cape, and spiky blue hair that resembled flames. He stopped right in front of where the professors were. "I, Magnar, of Team Nukem has been sent here by our leader. He wants to speak with you Oak. The helicopter send out a grip-like claw that picked up Professor Oak, and lifted him away as he kicked helplessly. Magnar looked at Willow. "Well, well, well. Those Pokeballs look might fine. Hope you don't mind if I have a look? Maybe we can share?" Tim reached for all three Pokeballs, hurled them up, and the room engulfed in lights.

[Chapter 4]
Squirtle, Bulbasaur, and Charmander were all confused at the new surrounding. Magnar chuckled. "Haha! Kid you are hilarious. But if you wanna fight, then you're on. Go, Marowak!" He threw up a black ball with yellow imprinting. Out in a golden flash came a Marowak. "Alright Marowak, do your thing! Nail em' with Bonemerang!" Marowak gave a hardy roar and hurled its bone, knocking down Squirtle and taking Bulbasaur on the way back. Tim has saw many battles in his life. His father was a Gym Leader, too. But never has he actually experienced one. "Um, Squirtle. Use Water Gun?" Squirtle blew out a full powered Water Gun, breaking Marowak through a wall. "IMPOSSIBLE!" shrieked Magnar. "Alright, return Marowak. Let's see if your pipsqueaks can handle this. Go, ---" "SIR! We have what we needed. Let's get out!" Tim knew he couldn't let them escape. "Alright team, use your strongest moves!" A combined Ember, Water Gun, and Razor Leaf mixed to form a rainbow of power, destroying the helicopter. Magnar shook his head. "I'll be back, kiddies. Get us outta here, Skarmory!" Willow and Oak emerged from the wreckage. Willow glanced at his lab with a frown, but turned to Tim and gave a big smile. "I don't usually do this, but I know one thing. You have a natural talent. Please, take all three starters!"

[Chapter 5]
Tim walked along the side of the road to the next city. His first gym battle would be at Tiger City. "Electabuzz, use Thunderbolt!" A shock came from within the forest. Tim went deep in, hoping to find the source. He found a kid, not far from his age, with an Electabuzz. On the floor were two Starlys. "Kid," Tim called. "What are you doing out here?" The kid was crying clearly. "I'm Adam. My parents and I, we were on a picnic. Then this thing, and these people, they came out and took them away! Sniff." Tim wasn't sure how to handle this. "Hey, I'm on a journey. Maybe we'll find your family. I'm Tim." Adam couldn't be in more pain. He walked with Tim to Tiger City.

[Chapter 6]
"Tiger City, Adam. We made it!" Adam took a quick look. "Seems poor." The houses and most of the town was rock. The houses were of Adobe, carved into the mountains. There was an oasis in the middle, and above the oasis said "Tiger City Gym". Under it was a subtitle saying "If you can't beat the heat, don't bother coming into the kitchen". Oddly enough, there was no Gym in sight. "Adam. I don't know where to begin. But all i know is, things are gonna be exciting!"


<{Preview}>
Magmar cleaved its way through the water and slammed Squirtle against the wall. "I thought you came here to win? What do you call that!" Tim winced in pain. "We're not losing to you!" Magmar returned next to it's double battle partner, Cyndaquil. "Alright Cynders, baby. Time to make this room even hotter than it is! You ready? Blast Burn!"

 

[Grindor]

Pokemon: Destiny Heroes, Ch. 7-15

[Chapter 7]
Tim looked around him. Darkness. Nothing but utter darkness surrounded him. He heard something. It was like a heartbeat. Slowly it reared its terrifying face from the shadows. It had what appeared to be a red collar, and smog covered its face. It began chanting. "Tim....Tim.......TIM.....TIM!" "Tim, wake up!" Tim shook and found Adam above him. "Tim, the Gym Leader of Tiger City, he's downstairs!" Tim yawned like a lion, then changed his clothes. Rushing down the stairs, he caught glimpse a man. His hair was very long, a crimson red. He was yellow and red spandex clothing, and on his back was a volcano-shaped backpack. He stood with many people wanting his autograph. Tim cleared his breath and started, "Excuse me! I challenge you to a Gym Battle!" The man turned. "Your intentions are burning me up! Alright! Come with me to the Gym." Tim smiled with delight. "How far is it?" Everyone laughed, including the Gym Leader. "Silly boy! That oasis, the gym's in it! You see, theres a volcano under it, and we built the gym inside it. Come, there's an elevator.


[Chapter 8]
At the front of the oasis was a big rock with special green markings, in some unknown language. The gym leader pressed his hands on the rock as it glowed a shiny color. "By the way, I forgot to mention. I'm Pyro. You are?" "I'm Tim, and this is my friend, Adam." As his sentence finished an a glass tube with a metal platform rose to the surface. Pyro entered, as signaled for the others to follow. The tube closed, and descended into a dark abyss. After miles of darkness, they arrived in a lighted volcano, minus the lava. There were two corners, one with lighted torches. Also, a man dressed in tradiotinal referee attire was stationed there.

[Chapter 9]
The referee rose both flags in the air. "The challenger Tim will battle Leader Pyro in this Double Battle for the Magma Badge! Rules are standard as usual. The Trainer gets first move." Tim glanced at his team of starters. "Sorry Bulbasaur, maybe next time. Go, Charmander and Squirtle!" The two came out as energetic as ever, showing off their attacks. Pyro chuckled. "Alright, I will demonstrate to you the reason I'm Gym Leader. I Pyro, accept your challenge! Cynders, Magmar, Go!" Out arose his two pokemon. A bulky Magmar that spewed flames every second, and a Cyndaquil that held its ground. The battle was about to commence. "Squirtle, use Water Gun!"


[Chapter 10]
Magmar cleaved its way through the water and slammed Squirtle against the wall. "I thought you came here to win? What do you call that!" Tim winced in pain. "We're not losing to you!" Magmar returned next to it's double battle partner, Cyndaquil. "Alright Cynders, baby. Time to make this room even hotter than it is! You ready? Blast Burn!" Cyndaquil instantly set the room blazing, knocking back Tim and Adam in the process. Charmander and Squirtle collided on the floor. "Oh," Pyro said. "Look's like your team is down!" Squirtle and Charmander refused to give up. "Squirtle, Water Gun!" Magmar again charged at the water. This time, Tim has his plan ready. "Charmander, Scratch!" Charmander charged full speed and lightly slashed Magmar in the back, stunning it as it was drenched by Water Gun. Magmar fell on its knees, unconscious. "Cynders! It's up to you..... End this."


[Chapter 11]
Like lightning speed, Cyndaquil came crashing into Squirtle, knocking it out with ease. This left Cyndaquil and Charmander, a brawl of the Fire Pokemon. "Cyndaquil, show him speed!" At this order it continued to barrage Charmander to the floor. Tim knew he was going to lose if he didn't think fast. He remembered something. His hero, Ash Ketchum's first gym battle was played on a Trainer special. He used the sprinklers to weaken his foe. "Charmander, use all your energy to flame the sprinklers!" It shot out a powerful flame, wincing and collapsing. The sprinklers activated, wetting Cyndaquil. Charmander saw the oppurtunity as a chance. It ran up without order and clawed Cyndaquil, knocking it out. Pyro stood, dazed, and soaked. "You, my friend, have won.....Take this badge!"


[Chapter 12]
The elevator came down. Adam was the first to see who it was, but didn't recognize him. However, Tim did. It was his rival, Sedgar. "Hey, you won? Hehe, how about a quick duel? Unless you're scared" Tim never liked Sedgar, even as kids. "Bulbasaur, its you!" Sedgar turned a bright red. "Bulbasaur? I forgot! Little babies like you get little baby Po'kamon! Aha! Go, Scizor!" Out came a Scizor with the shiniest red you could ever see. "Bullet Punch." In a second, Bulbasaur was knocked out. "What?" Sedgar returned his Pokemon, then looked at Tim with a look of victory. "You have much to learn if you wanna keep up with Seggy!" With that, he left.

[Chapter 13]
"Tim......Tim.....Tim......" That voice...is it the same one? Darkness surrounded him, and a blue aura with a roar slowed down everything, then came a purple slash through the air that ripped it open, showing the boundaries between time and space. And from the hole came that same dark figure. The one with the smoke emitting from it's head. Then it approached slowly, levitating. Tim wanted to scream. But he couldn't. He couldn't run. Nothing. Just wait there. It got directly in front of him. Then it slashed.

[Chapter 14]
Tim woke up from his sleep, screaming and sweating. Adam turned to him and tiredly asked, "What's your deal? People are trying to sleep!" Tim went downstairs and released his Pokemon, who were also sleeping. They woke up with a startle. "Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander. Do you know of any ghosts in this place?..........Aha, what am I thinking. We just got here. No such thing as ghosts I guess."

[Chapter 15]
The sun lifted its shiny face to the new day, and grinned a sparkling smile to all that saw it. The rays of light tickled Tim, and he woke up. "Tim!" Adam came upstairs rushingly. "Hurry up and pack your things! We're heading up to Roughskin City! Let's go!!" Tim packed his things and looked back one more time at the cabin they stayed in. Then went away. As they left, Pyro walked to the cabin they were in. The shadowy figure approached. Pyro fell back. "Go, Magmar, Cynders, Flareon!" The three appeared and formed a fiery trio. The dark levitating being shot our a dark wave, putting both Pokemons and Leader to sleep. "Tim," it moaned. And vanished into the winds.


<{Preview}>
The old lady had trouble keeping up with her original pace. "Palkia is the Guardian of Space, whereas..........Oh my socks! They're dirty! Anyways, Dialga is the Guardian of Time. That is the legend." "Mam," Tim muttered. "Do you know about a shadow that's face can't be seen?" "Tim! You described it!" Tim turned to him. "What's it?" "The thing, that took my parents!" The old lady shook. "Please, you best be on your way now. Get out!" She shoo'd them away. As they left hearing distance, a shadow appeared behind her. "You were lucky you didn't tell....Grah!" A screaming was heard.

 

[Sgt Shock]

Hello, Grindor. I've seen that you haven't gotten a review yet so I ultimately decided to give you one. Do not take any of my review personally; as a growing writer I want to help you along. Let us begin.

The first thing that I want to say is that your story's chapters are too short. It's hard for the grasp on the plot line of the story. I think everyone would want to know your characters more than what you have given them. The storyline is advancing so fast and not enough description. The chapters has strong potential and you should think about writing them more thoroughly. 50-200 words does not constitute as a chapter. I'm not saying that you should have 5000 words per chapter (*cough* me *cough*) A good chapter for a fan fiction is about 1000-2500 words. It could be shorter if the chapter is more of a bridge. Inversely, it could be longer if it is a intense scene.

There are some grammar mistakes here and there. It mostly deals with commas in where you Let me grab one to help you understand:

"Silly boy! That oasis, the gym's in it! You see, theres a volcano under it, and we built the gym inside it. Come, there's an elevator.

This sentence is really confusing. As a reader, I am unsure where the gym is exactly located. Is it in the oasis or in the volcano? As an example: I will give you an example.

Silly boy! The oasis is the homestead for the gym. It is surrounded by volcanoes; so, we built amongst the cooled lands. Come, there's an elevator.

You have to have your readers envision the setting. Especially when we are doing a new region, you have to sit down and introduce the region to the people. With the regions that has been given to you via the games and the show, you don't have to take the time to explain each detail. But, with a created region, you have to take the extra time to explain the surroundings.

Develop your characters. I am horridly nick-picky about not having a developed character. :) So don't mind me if this seems too complex. When you are creating your characters, you are essential creating a person. They have a personality, appearance, etc. Tim has a name. We need to get to know him.

Interesting enough. You can have a good idea if you actual sat down and thought about the concept. :D PM or VM me if you need some more help.

Don't give up; just work harder on it.

 

[Grindor]

Thank you so much! I appreciate ur words and i will try my best to improve everything!