[Pokémon] Pokemon Guardians, Season 1 (PG -13 version)

[Distortion World]

O.K,

So for the past few weeks, I've been coming up with a great fan fiction for this forum.

Note that there will be swearing and violence in THIS version but rest assured, I'm also making a G Rated version, cutting it all out and changing scenes around.

That way, there will be two different stories!

But for now, I'm focusing on the PG-13 one to get it started right.

The whole idea of the story is kinda based on the Sailor Moon series (Soldiers sent to another world to fight evil and transformations, blah blah blah) but in a Pokemon style.

It also is based on my friends and I'm of course the mai ncharacter (Note, I had to change all the names so there wouldn't be any issues, but minor ones).

The only thing is, I'm gonna have a lot of scrap characters, which may be used over and over again.

Plus, since I didn't want to make Pokemo nthe enemy as well as the heroes, I've decided to make random Yu-Gi-Oh cards villians. But that'll be revealed later.

And finally, sorry if it disappoints all of you annoying Pikachu fans, but the main characters Partner (be explained later on) will be Meowth.

It will fit in the story perfectly, way better than Pikachu did. But rest assured, there will be a Character in the future that may pose a "threat" to our hero that's partner is Pikachu.

So with the Partner thing, the selected soldiers will have devices called Energy Cores. They're like a small sphere with a certain color jewel in the middle (E.X, Electric PKMN = Yellow, Grass PKMN = Green, etc). With it, the user can communicate with their partner PKMN and be able to transform into that PKMN.

When they transform, they become that PKMN (Got this idea from the PMD series). They will be able to use their moves and maybe some special moves....

And finally, setting. this story will be taking place in Junior High. Note, in future series and/or specials, there's a good chance there will be some taking place back in Elementary and maybe even further.

I have made the first scene for Explicit Goals.
Explicit Goals Preview #2
Long ago, when all galaxies lived in peace, reigned the everlasting Elemental Kingdom in the Second Dimension, Guarded by the 17 elements:
Water
Fire,
Grass,
Electric,
ice,
Poison,
Ghost,
Fighting,
Ground ,
Rock,
Bug,
Flying,
Psychic,
Dragon,
Steel,
Dark
and Normal.

The kingdom existed peacefully until the Age of the Shadows. Monsters form another dimension, known only as the Third Dimension, invaded the kingdom and struck at its heart.

But luckily, with the last of it's strength, with the power of the three Mystical Orbs of Alph, the invaders were defeated and sent back to another dimension, but at a cost.

The kingdom's soldiers, defenders of the numerous Elemental Creatures, were also sent to another dimension as well, the First Dimension.

There, their memories would be eased as would all recollection of their past life.

But in doing so, a wish was granted by the Prince, that one day, if the same evil would arise again, their memories be restored by the power of the Amulet Crystal.

But that wouldn't happen for another 2000 years....

" So what exactly is my mission, Cooper?" said a small figure.

He was in a dark room, with a man sitting in a large, black office chair and a small brown desk, with a cup full of pens and papers scattered everywhere.

"You're mission is simple, You have to pose as a student at this junior high school and find out exactly what is happening there." the man said, twirling a pen in his hands.

"You know school isn't my favorite stakeout. Why me?" the other one asked.

"Because Charles, you're the youngest one on our force, and I know you won't make useless friendships that would jeopardize the mission."

"I hate it when you're right." Charles grinned.

" I know, it annoys me too. " Cooper laughed



Please comment!

 

[Yuoaman]

Spoiler:

O.K,

So for the past few weeks, I've been coming up with a great fan fiction for this forum.

Note that there will be swearing and violence in THIS version but rest assured, I'm also making a G Rated version, cutting it all out and changing scenes around.

That way, there will be two different stories!

But for now, I'm focusing on the PG-13 one to get it started right.

The whole idea of the story is kinda based on the Sailor Moon series (Soldiers sent to another world to fight evil and transformations, blah blah blah) but in a Pokemon style.

It also is based on my friends and I'm of course the mai ncharacter (Note, I had to change all the names so there wouldn't be any issues, but minor ones).

The only thing is, I'm gonna have a lot of scrap characters, which may be used over and over again.

Plus, since I didn't want to make Pokemo nthe enemy as well as the heroes, I've decided to make random Yu-Gi-Oh cards villians. But that'll be revealed later.

And finally, sorry if it disappoints all of you annoying Pikachu fans, but the main characters Partner (be explained later on) will be Meowth.

It will fit in the story perfectly, way better than Pikachu did. But rest assured, there will be a Character in the future that may pose a "threat" to our hero that's partner is Pikachu.

So with the Partner thing, the selected soldiers will have devices called Energy Cores. They're like a small sphere with a certain color jewel in the middle (E.X, Electric PKMN = Yellow, Grass PKMN = Green, etc). With it, the user can communicate with their partner PKMN and be able to transform into that PKMN.

When they transform, they become that PKMN (Got this idea from the PMD series). They will be able to use their moves and maybe some special moves....

And finally, setting. this story will be taking place in Junior High. Note, in future series and/or specials, there's a good chance there will be some taking place back in Elementary and maybe even further.

I have made the first scene for Explicit Goals.
Explicit Goals Preview #2
Long ago, when all galaxies lived in peace, reigned the everlasting Elemental Kingdom in the Second Dimension, Guarded by the 17 elements:
Water
Fire,
Grass,
Electric,
ice,
Poison,
Ghost,
Fighting,
Ground ,
Rock,
Bug,
Flying,
Psychic,
Dragon,
Steel,
Dark
and Normal.

This stuff doesn't apply to the story, so I'm not going to mention it at all. Though I will say that your introduction should be MUCH shorter.

The kingdom existed peacefully until the Age of the Shadows. Monsters form another dimension, known only as the Third Dimension Not the most original name... , invaded the kingdom and struck at its heart.Where is its heart, exactly?

But luckily, with the last of it's strength, with the power of the three Mystical Orbs of Alph, the invaders were defeated and sent back to another dimension How exactly is this accomplished?, but at a cost.

The kingdom's soldiers, defenders of the numerous Elemental Creatures Horrifyingly cliched name., were also sent to another dimension as well, the First Dimension ...You are kidding me, aren't you?.

There, their memories would be eased as would all recollection of their past life. Why? How would they be able to do this since you have stated that they weren't sent there, but were taken... Not a lot of consistency thus far...

But in doing so, a wish was granted by the Prince, that one day, if the same evil would arise again, their memories be restored by the power of the Amulet Crystal. What!? Supposedly by banishing this great evil the soldiers were sent to the other dimension unwillingly, but in compensation the Prince gets granted a wish... This makes absolutely no sense.

But that wouldn't happen for another 2000 years.... How nice of them to tell their enemies the approximate date when they would return... :\)

"So what exactly is my mission, Cooper?" said a small figure.
So no introduction to the scene, nothing...?

He was in a dark room, with a man sitting in a large, black office chair and a small brown desk, with a cup full of pens and papers scattered everywhere.
You should explain with a little more action, remember: no one likes reading paragraphs of nothing but description, add some action in there. Have the man drinking some coffee, anything really to liven it up a little.

"You're mission is simple, You have to pose as a student at this junior high school and find out exactly what is happening there." the man said, twirling a pen in his hands.

"You know school isn't my favorite stakeout. Why me?" the other one asked.
The other what...? Muskrat, possum?

"Because Charles, you're the youngest one on our force, and I know you won't make useless friendships that would jeopardize the mission."
Wouldn't he be more prone to making friendships? Being less experienced and all?

"I hate it when you're right." Charles grinned.
Ooh, slight character development. But you should use something like "Charles said, grinning", rather than "Charles grinned"; as the latter implies that he grins after speaking, making it look a tad insincere.

" I know, it annoys me too. " Cooper laughed.
Same problem as above...

Comments are in bold. And you shouldn't use colored text with your writing, it looks rather obnoxious.

 

[Mika]

Okay, before we do anything else, let's talk about organization. :3

It's perfectly fine to do author notes like you did but it's best to clearly distinguish what is an author's note and what is the actual story you've posted thus far. You can use things like the [ CENTER ] and [ H2 ] tags to separate minus the spaces, examples of which are below.

Spoiler:

Sample

oh hi dere i'm a sample o3o​

In my experience, these are the easiest ways to format to distinguish things apart. Heck, you could even put your author's note in a spoiler, like I put those samples and it wouldn't dirty up your story.

O.K,

So for the past few weeks, I've been coming up with a great fan fiction for this forum.

Note that there will be swearing and violence in THIS version but rest assured, I'm also making a G Rated version, cutting it all out and changing scenes around.

That way, there will be two different stories!

But for now, I'm focusing on the PG-13 one to get it started right.

The whole idea of the story is kinda based on the Sailor Moon series (Soldiers sent to another world to fight evil and transformations, blah blah blah) but in a Pokemon style.

It also is based on my friends and I'm of course the main character (Note, I had to change all the names so there wouldn't be any issues, but minor ones).

The only thing is, I'm gonna have a lot of scrap characters, which may be used over and over again.

Plus, since I didn't want to make Pokemon the enemy as well as the heroes, I've decided to make random Yu-Gi-Oh cards villians. But that'll be revealed later.

And finally, sorry if it disappoints all of you annoying Pikachu fans, but the main characters Partner (be explained later on) will be Meowth.

It will fit in the story perfectly, way better than Pikachu did. But rest assured, there will be a Character in the future that may pose a "threat" to our hero that's partner is Pikachu.

So with the Partner thing, the selected soldiers will have devices called Energy Cores. They're like a small sphere with a certain color jewel in the middle (E.X, Electric PKMN = Yellow, Grass PKMN = Green, etc). With it, the user can communicate with their partner PKMN and be able to transform into that PKMN.

When they transform, they become that PKMN (Got this idea from the PMD series). They will be able to use their moves and maybe some special moves....

And finally, setting. this story will be taking place in Junior High. Note, in future series and/or specials, there's a good chance there will be some taking place back in Elementary and maybe even further.

I have made the first scene for Explicit Goals.

Okay so, basically you're doing a PGSM/SM Pokemon Crossover with a hint of Yugioh evildoers, is that correct based on that assumption? First and formost, it's a unique crossover idea but what exactly makes it catchy to the reader besides that? What's the plot, what's the general idea? I get these are questions you'll be answering in the actual fanfic but even in your synopsis here I really don't see any sort of 'so what' or reason behind the story. I don't get how this isn't just Sailor Moon with Pokemon henshin.

It also is based on my friends and I'm of course the main character (Note, I had to change all the names so there wouldn't be any issues, but minor ones).

k I'm going to issue an obligatory 'watch out' here. Using yourself as a character often leads to stu syndrome because we like to feel good about ourselves and we like to build ourselves up. Either that or it's the exact opposite and we give them too many flaws. In my personal experience, I've found nothing but hair-pulling agony when putting myself as the main character when it comes to revision because de-stu-i-fy-ing the character would make it less of myself.

It's fine to make a character like you but making it exactly like you will probably cause you problems.

I've decided to make random Yu-Gi-Oh cards villians. But that'll be revealed later.

....Just no. >> Yugioh cards are totally awesome but you can't just swipe Black Luster Soilder and call it an evil villian that appears in another universe for no good reason. Again, I think this is where you would benefit from taking the 'idea' of a particular yugioh card and changing it to fit your needs in the story.

Say for instance you want a dragon. You like how the Red Eyes Black Dragon looks. You can use that and change bits [perhaps make the claws crimson or the neck slightly longer or the face rounder etc etc] if not pull a chimera and pull bits and pieces from several ygo monsters that you like.

Explicit Goals Preview #2
Long ago, when all galaxies lived in peace, reigned the everlasting Elemental Kingdom in the Second Dimension, Guarded by the 17 elements:
Water
Fire,
Grass,
Electric,
ice,
Poison,
Ghost,
Fighting,
Ground ,
Rock,
Bug,
Flying,
Psychic,
Dragon,
Steel,
Dark
and Normal.

K so a quick word on color formatting. Here on PC everyone uses different skins. People sometimes use the same skin but the site as a whole does not use the same skin. Different skins have different style sheets which are what change the colors of the posts and also changes the background color for the posts.

tl;dr: your blue font looks great to you but it makes other people want to rip their eyes out.

If you're going to do color formatting you can, it's not disallowed on the site as according to Asty's lovely rules, but I'd recommend doing an overly complicated CSS box if you really must have your colors so you can override the background color as well and make it less painful on the eyes. I know blue's probably like your favorite color, but as long as you have it you're going to get crap from people about that instead of other parts of your story because they simply can't read it.

The kingdom existed peacefully until the Age of the Shadows. Monsters form another dimension, known only as the Third Dimension, invaded the kingdom and struck at its heart.

But luckily, with the last of it's strength, with the power of the three Mystical Orbs of Alph, the invaders were defeated and sent back to another dimension, but at a cost.

The kingdom's soldiers, defenders of the numerous Elemental Creatures, were also sent to another dimension as well, the First Dimension.

There, their memories would be eased as would all recollection of their past life.

But in doing so, a wish was granted by the Prince, that one day, if the same evil would arise again, their memories be restored by the power of the Amulet Crystal.

But that wouldn't happen for another 2000 years....

So we're starting out almost exactly like Sailor Moon. I know the series pretty well mind you and like i mentioned with the Yugioh Comment, you should really pick and chose, not just obligatory copy paste. I mean the Amulet Crystal = Illusion/Imperial Silver Crystal, the warriors are the Senshi, I really don't see how this is something other than Sailor Moon with a piece of tracing paper and some pokemon things colored ontop of the senshi.

I mean you can keep it if you're going for an AU direct crossover but if you're trying to say it's ~original~ ...it's really not. :c

" So what exactly is my mission, Cooper?" said a small figure.

He was in a dark room, with a man sitting in a large, black office chair and a small brown desk, with a cup full of pens and papers scattered everywhere.

I honestly don't think these two segments need to be separated. :c You could even try flipping them.

And watch your spaces, you don't need more than one after the closing quote and you don't need one at all after the beginning quote. The second sentence is also a bit of a mess.

He was in a dark room, with a man sitting in a large, black office chair and a small brown desk, with a cup full of pens and papers scattered everywhere

It's a run on mess. You don't need the comma after large and desk and the one after room doesn't work either because you have two separate ideas. [IE: Guy in room and guy at desk] A semi colon might work but two separate sentences would probably be better. An idea of what I'm referring to.

He was in a dark room. A man was sitting in a large black office chair at a small brown desk with a cup full of pens and papers scattered everywhere.

See the difference? Sure it's two sentences but the idea is more solid when it's not a jumbled mess.

"You're mission is simple, You have to pose as a student at this junior high school and find out exactly what is happening there." the man said, twirling a pen in his hands.

You're = Your.

"You know school isn't my favorite stakeout. Why me?" the other one asked.

"Because Charles, you're the youngest one on our force, and I know you won't make useless friendships that would jeopardize the mission."

"I hate it when you're right." Charles grinned.

" I know, it annoys me too. " Cooper laughed

All in all this prolouge isn't horrible, I actually sorta liked it. It's rough yes, but it's not glaringly atrocious and you do seem to have a general idea on the English language.

Just really watch your spacing, alot of times you've hit the space bar twice when you only needed to hit it once.

tl;dr: Don't just steal Yugioh, SM and Pokemon References, twist them and make them your own and don't be transparent in doing so. Watch your spaces and watch your commas. Try a little organization in your story and lose the colored font unless you use a CSS sheet. :3

 

[Distortion World]

Well ,I see that there are many flaws in my preview so far.

First of all ,I'd like to state I'm not trying to steal the SM Plot, just make it my own.

I just don't exactly know how.

I've had the idea for this story in my head for a very long time.

Problem is, i see it as an actual show rather than a novel.

So i'm trying to make it novel like. Not having luck though.

I may need an editor or someone to screen my work and give possible changes.