Pokemon: Mike's Sinnoh Adventures

[Redkaminski]

Pokemon: SINNOH ADVENTURES!
Inspired By: Pokemon D/P/Pt
PG 13

Chapter 1: Vs Starly!


Chapter 1: Vs. Starly!
-Yawn Ahh what time is it? –looks at clock- OH CRAP 10:00 IM LATE!!!!

-Mike runs downstairs- Mom I'm late I gotta go hang with Barry, I'll be back later!

-Mike runs to Barry's house-

THUMP!

Ow! Watch where you're going! Oh hey Barry! You ready to go?

Barry: "You Bet!"

Let's go!

-Mike and Barry trek over to the lake to see if there's a Red Gyarados like the one that was on TV.-

Hey who's that?

Barry: I don't know but they're talking let's listen in.

Dawn: So Professor, what's it like to be back in Sinnoh?

Rowan: It's very nice here and there's tons of rare Pokemon. Well, we're done here, let's go.

-They walk past the boys-

Dawn: Excuse us guys!

Mike: They forgot a suitcase.

Barry: What's in it? Let's go check.

Mike: But it's in the tall grass! We'll get attacked by pokemon!
Barry: Don't be such a baby Mike. C'mon!
-Mike and Barry are ambushed by Starlies-

Barry: Oh #%$&! Wild Pokemon! There's Pokeballs in this case! Let's use em. Well, which one you want?
-Mike takes first pokeball he sees, and lets out a Chimchar-
Whoa. That thing is AWESOME!

Chimchar: Chimchar char!
Okay, Chimchar use scratch on that psycho starly!
-Chimchar knocks Starly out of the air with a Scratch attack-

Chimchar! Once more for good measure!
-Chimchar does as told and KO's the Starly.-

Wow Chimchar you're so awesome!

Chimchar: Chimchar Char!

Barry: Phew, that was a close one. Well, our Pokemon are awesome but we better go return 'em.

-------------------------End Of Chapter-----------------------------

 

[Neutrino]

there a several things we need to sort out here. there are numerous problems i must point out.

First off, this story is seriously lacking in speech marks
Second, it is like a script, but boring! It's like:

-mike get's up
looks at clock
-Crap! 10:00!
runs downstairs

This is a serious problem. you need to add description, as ther was absolutely none in here! And it needs to be much longer to be taken as a proper chapter.
Everything just happens so sudddenly! for example, take this part:

'-They walk past the boys-

Dawn: Excuse us guys!

Mike: They forgot a suitcase.

Barry: What's in it? Let's go check.

Mike: But it's in the tall grass! We'll get attacked by pokemon!
Barry: Don't be such a baby Mike. C'mon!
-Mike and Barry are ambushed by Starlies-'

It gives no impression of the surrounding whatsoever. If it were changed for the better, it would look something along these lines:

The two strangers walked past the boys. They girl, called Dawn, said " Escuse us guys!" and the two of them left. Mike looked, and saw a suitcase lying on the spot were they were standing.

"Hey! they forgot a suitcase!" he said. Barry looked too. " What's in it? let's go check"
Mike stopped. "But it's in the tall grass! We'll get attacked by Pokemon!" He protested. Barry sighed. "Don't be such a baby Mike. C'mon!" They walked over to it, and got attacked by wild starly
__

Anyways, that's just an example. It has basic description, no 'lack of speech marks' and full, proper paragraphs.
And here-> ' they were ambushed by starlies ' Starly is the word for both single, and plural, such as, a flock of noctowl/ a lone noctowl -or- A herd of mareep/One tiny mareep

It's all the same. As for the plot, It's basicly the same as the manga series, D/P/Pt, but if you do it right, it could turn into a real thriller of a story!;)

And they need to be longer, plus, just doing a space between each line doesn't count, it must be full paragraphs, or it won't look right, and English literature teachers everywhere will cry! ;) But keep writing, heed my advice, and before you know it, this will turn into a hot thread! ;)

However, although the grammar was quite bad, the story itself is good, and since msot of the point of posting fics on here is if the STORY itself is good, and not the grammar, I think you did a rather good job! ;)

 

[.Razr]

I've got to aggre with bumbleblast. It kinda a snozer...