Pokemon Moonlight: PG-13

[RocketMemberMichael]

[AGELIMIT]PG 13[/AGELIMIT]

Chapter One: The Start of a New Adventure.

To most children who live in a region such as the beautiful Moonshine the start of a Pokemon adventure goes like this. They get an invite from a Professor, they kiss their mothers, get a Pokemon and begin a quest to defeat the Pokemon League, for Michael however, a young boy aged fourteen, and that is what makes this story different.

Michael lay in bed staring to the ceiling off his room, his eyes were red, he looked as although he had been crying, he looked towards the door of his room, the handle was shaking rapidly, Michael looked towards it and panicked. 'Oh no, please no!' he thought to himself, 'They're back!' he grabbed a sheet and flung it over his head. Seconds later the door was kicked open, Michael screamed terrified, there stood, two tall men, both dresses in black and equipped with guns, they had a giant purple R on their black shirts.

"What do you want! You took everything from us yesterday!" Michael cried as one of the men pulled the sheet which was covering his body revealing Michael, crying, wearing blue pajamas. His hair was very short and brown, his eyes bright green.

"Ha!" One of the men shouted with a horrible scratchy yet sqeaky, "Somebody told us your mother got a payrise!" the man said, the other man who has holding the sheet which once covered Michael was laughing hysterically.

"Now where is the money." The other man said pointing a gun at Michael's head, "Where is the money!"

"No, I am not telling you, you are not hurting my family again!" Michael screamed, it was foolish to say as the men instantly burst out laughing and one of them kicked Michael.

He was knocked out...

TO BE CONTINUED...ANY COMMENTS?

 

[Googlebug]

You described the mains characters looks very well. Though nothing else. What does the room look like? Small, big, messy or neat?

"They get an invite from a Professor, they kiss their mothers, get a Pokemon and begin a quest to defeat the Pokemon League"

You seem to have rushed thi part a little, it does not seem right.

Your defiantly getting better which is a great hting to see. However theres one thing you still need to get the grasp of and thats making longer chapters. At least three or mote pages in a word processor like Microsoft Word.

Then you can call my story short however I mean for it to be. If you want it to be short then it might be ok. You just keep trying. 7.5/10

 

[RocketMemberMichael]

Thanks Googlebug, I will put the critism you said in account whilse making this :)

Chapter 2: Rei, Karl and Tlyer.

Michael woke up, his eye was bruised, almost purple, and he had a very, blank expression upon his face, he was sitting in a room, his bedroom, light from the outside world was shining through his thin curtians, he looked around. Everything he once had in his bedroom was gone. The crooks who stole from him took his books, comics, television and his bedsheets (for some odd reason) Michael looked at his wall, it was painted a light blue and his floor was wooden and shiny, he rose from his bed, his back aching, then stood up still in his pygamas, he then approched his draw, got a white hoody and a pair of blue jeans, and got dressed.

It took him ten minutes just to get dressed as he was scared, tired and in lots of pain, once he left his room he walked downstairs, and there his mother sat, in a pink dressing down, her long brown hair flowing like a river down the back of her head, Michael approched her noticing she was crying.

"Mum?" He said quietly, "Mum...are you ok?" His mother turned, her eyes where bloodshot (Due to lots of crying), and she had blood on her hands.

"Michael!" She said panickly, "Get to bed, I don`t want you to see me like this!" His mum shouted looking terrified.

"Mum, whos blood is that?" He said his eyes now filling with tears.

"Mine, I just cut my hand making breakfast ok! Now go out and play while I clean this up." Michael looked to the kitchen, his mother had not been making breakfast, they hurt her, the people with the purple Rs on their black t-shirts.

"Fine mum." He said, what else could he say? He could`nt say no I won`t go out because he didn`t want to upset his mother even more.

Michael walked out his house, slightly smiling, it was a fake smile, he was not happy although he did not want everyone to know he was robbed and his mum attacked. But then he found out, he was not the only one.

"Michael!" Rei shouted, Rei (Prounounced Ray) ran out and flung her arms around Michael`s slim body. "You are ok!"

Rei had bright blue eyes and long brown hair, she was wearing blue jeans, like Michael and a pink t-shirt. She grabbed his hand and grabbed it tightly, "Follow me!"

This was one of two parts of chaper 2! Enjoy it!

 

[Googlebug]

Good description of characters and areas. Still however needs to be alot longer. It was over before I wanted it to whic has disappointed me.

So spend at least a week on each chapter, I do anyways. And the work pays off. It's good to see how drastically you have improved.

 

[RocketMemberMichael]

Michael kept hold of Rei's hand cherishing the moment, he blushed, Rei giggled embarrest noticing Michael's blushing cheeks. She then dragged him into a croud of people. "Look here!" She said pointing down to a Pokemon what was lying on the floor injured, It was small and looked sick, I had a pink body, two legs and arms and a long pink tails, it was moaning on the floor sadly.

Rei lowered down and stroked it's pink head, "What should we do Michael? This is Mew, one of the rarest Pokemon in the world, We can't just let it die!" Michael looked to Rei who looked very upset by the sad expression on Mew's face.

"Rei, Pick up the Pokemon, put it in your backpack, and we will find a Pokemon centre!" Michael said heroically, Rei sighed.

"The nearest Pokemon centre is in the next town! We cannot go there without a Pokemon!" Rei said angrily.

"Don't worry Rei! You've got me!" Michael held Rei's hand as she put Mew in her backpack, the crowd surrounding Mew began to clap. Michael smiled then him and Rei took off towards Mapaton City.

 

[RocketMemberMichael]

I know, that is way too small, I will do more later, but I have not got much time right now.

 

[Googlebug]

Michael kept hold of Rei's hand cherishing the moment, he blushed, Rei giggled embarrest noticing Michael's blushing cheeks. She then dragged him into a croud of people. "Look here!" She said pointing down to a Pokemon what was lying on the floor injured, It was small and looked sick, I had a pink body, two legs and arms and a long pink tails, it was moaning on the floor sadly.

Rei lowered down and stroked it's pink head, "What should we do Michael? This is Mew, one of the rarest Pokemon in the world, We can't just let it die!" Michael looked to Rei who looked very upset by the sad expression on Mew's face.

"Rei, Pick up the Pokemon, put it in your backpack, and we will find a Pokemon centre!" Michael said heroically, Rei sighed.

"The nearest Pokemon centre is in the next town! We cannot go there without a Pokemon!" Rei said angrily.

"Don't worry Rei! You've got me!" Michael held Rei's hand as she put Mew in her backpack, the crowd surrounding Mew began to clap. Michael smiled then him and Rei took off towards Mapaton City.

I have bolded the things that need changing.

Maybe you should try and guess them yourself. Things such as Spelling mistakes you also need to start a new line when someone speaks.

You could have done better, so this has disappointed me.