Scarlet Sunrise

[Mr. L]

Written at 4am last night/this morning, I'll try to put some authors notes up soon.

Scarlet Sunrise

I open my eyes and the darkness I am shown,
It looks new but feels the same.
For the fourth night I lie here alone,
As the clock calls out to me again.

Out of the darkness your voice has grown
Through the wind you whisper my name
So breath life into me through your eyes,
And rise up from the flame.

You are my scarlet sunrise
So wrap around me and warn me of the rain.
You are my scarlet sunrise
So rise above me and shield me from the pain.

You dance around me from the night,
Your soul runs through my charred remains.
From the ash a new flame you ignite,
Revived from the sound of your name.

I stand up strong in your sunlight
With brand new blood running through my veins
So wrap me up in your disguise,
And rise up from the flames.

You are my scarlet sunrise
So wrap around me and warn me of the rain.
You are my scarlet sunrise
So rise above me and shield me from the pain.

 

[Oryx]

This looks like a song, yeah? Then I'll critique this as oral poetry instead of written, which is good cause that's what I like. :)

One thing that you do in the chorus of the song is to separate using a lot of commas. While commas are alright, generally poets like to put a lot of meaning even in their breaks; why use a comma when you can use a semicolon, a colon, a hyphen, an ellipsis, or even a line break? The commas just seem to be there to tell you where to pause within the song, not to imbue any extra meaning. I feel like line breaks might be appropriate for a lot of those commas tbh. The same goes for the punctuation at the end of the lines - you should either commit to punctuation within the song or not. It's a given that at the end of each line you pause, so the comma isn't necessary unless you want that pause to stand out for a certain reason, or you want to emphasize that it's connected to the line following it.

I love the imagery of the first and fourth stanzas and would really like to see that imagery spread a bit to the rest. Tbh the chorus could have some more spice to it, and imagery like that would be just what it needs. Since your song follows a specific pattern (description, action, chorus, description, action, chorus if that makes sense), I could see the chorus changing its imagery slightly to match what the story is doing at that point. The first chorus could use some darkness images, while the second one could follow a parallel structure to the first with some contrasting light/fire images. Does that make sense or did I get off of my own tangent? xD;

On the topic of the pattern, I really like it. It's not so obvious that it's boring, but it makes it easy enough to follow that I don't get confused. I can tell which ones continue the story, and exactly where it's going from there. Often it's hard for poets to tell a story well through the poem because they just want to shove in every image they can find, but you focused your scope and did it well.

It could use some tweaking, but keep at it :) do you have a melody in mind for it, or is it just lyrics?

 

[Mr. L]

Hi Toujours, thank you very much for your review. You were right, it is a song and I did have a melody for it, I've forgotten it now though :(.

One thing that you do in the chorus of the song is to separate using a lot of commas. While commas are alright, generally poets like to put a lot of meaning even in their breaks; why use a comma when you can use a semicolon, a colon, a hyphen, an ellipsis, or even a line break? The commas just seem to be there to tell you where to pause within the song, not to imbue any extra meaning. I feel like line breaks might be appropriate for a lot of those commas tbh. The same goes for the punctuation at the end of the lines - you should either commit to punctuation within the song or not. It's a given that at the end of each line you pause, so the comma isn't necessary unless you want that pause to stand out for a certain reason, or you want to emphasize that it's connected to the line following it.

Good point, I never used to think about the punctuation much at all. The commas were just there to remind me where the pauses in the melody were. I've made a few changes here and there :)

I love the imagery of the first and fourth stanzas and would really like to see that imagery spread a bit to the rest. Tbh the chorus could have some more spice to it, and imagery like that would be just what it needs. Since your song follows a specific pattern (description, action, chorus, description, action, chorus if that makes sense), I could see the chorus changing its imagery slightly to match what the story is doing at that point. The first chorus could use some darkness images, while the second one could follow a parallel structure to the first with some contrasting light/fire images. Does that make sense or did I get off of my own tangent? xD;

Nice thoughts on the chorus, I kept it that short originally as it was those lyrics that started the entire song and I couldn't think of anything to accompany it. I think I may extend it to include some more imagery once I think of some more lyrics.

Thank you for all your help.