[Pokémon] Sorrowful Remnants

Deja Vu

Smug Lord
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    [PokeCommunity.com] Sorrowful Remnants

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    Prologue
    "Electabuzz, wipe out the opposition!" said the man in the dark maroon hooded robe. He watched with a smirk as a jolt of blue electricity flew into the sky. One by one, a Fearow, a Pidgeot, and a Noctowl fell out of the sky. The faces of the opposing trainers faces were distraught as the turned and ran, leaving their Pokemon to die. The lighting bolt must have triggered a storm, adding to the grim mood of that terrible night. The man's plan was going perfectly. Soon an army of gray-clad soldiers would march upon the great city of Alphamos, as he watched from a cliff about 2000 feet above. He would finally discover the secret, and harness the darkest of all Pokemon, Giratina.



    Chapter One - New Beginnings
    It had been three years since the first cataclysm. The people of the Amatalia region have tried to forget, and don't talk about it much, but the awful event that occurred in the past still haunted them daily. The capital town of Alphamos was completely destroyed. It is still undergoing repairs to this day.


    Bruce was one of the unfortunate ones. His mother was killed in the cataclysm. His father was most likely also exterminated, but his body was nowhere to be found. After that, at age 11, he was put into the custody of his next of kin, which happened to be his uncle Raphael, the town professor. Now 14, Bruce didn't talk much, but his facial expressions said it all.


    It was Christmas Day in Oridawn Town. Bruce rushed downstairs to be greeted by a glimmering tree and his uncle, sitting on his recliner in a robe, sipping hot coffee. A grin spread across his face as he saw Bruce's reaction to the abundance of presents this year. Of the items he received this year, not much was different, except for his final present. The smile hadn't left his face as he tore the candy cane wrapping paper off the last package. It was a shiny metal box. He looked up at his uncle with a quizzical look, at which his uncle responded with a curt nod. He pressed the button on the front of the box to open it. Bruce gasped as the hydraulic box opened automatically to reveal a Pokeball and a Pokedex. Naturally he had heard of these, since his uncle was the professor, and since he had been longing for a Pokemon of his own since birth. The reason Raphael had waited so long to give him this amazing present is because he thought if he gave the Pokemon to him sooner, he would have sought revenge over whoever murdered his parents.
    "That Pokemon was an extra I had at the lab. No one wanted it because it shunned the trainers that came to the lab." Bruce carefully removed the shiny Pokeball from the case and pressed the button in the center. Out sprung an amazing creature. Bruce marveled at the small form that looked like it held so much pride and power. Its most amazing features, though, was the skull is wore on it's head, and the bone it wielded, apparently as a weapon. The Pokemon proceeded to sit down on the floor, studying Bruce thoroughly.
    "What is this marvelous creature?" he said. Then he remembered the Pokedex! He reached into the metal box again and removed the computerized Pokemon recognition system. He pointed the Pokemon reader at the Pokemon and the dex proceeded to speak in an robotic, monotone voice.
    "Cubone, the bone Pokemon. It constantly grieves over the death of it's mother." A tear rolled down Bruce's cheek as he recalled his difficult ordeal. Cubone responded to his sadness with a thoughtful "Bone." Bruce looked up at the Cubone and the smile returned to his face. "We're going to be inseparable," he thought.



     
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    Oh, an OT, original-region fic. Fun! This is one of those darkier-and-edger types, too (as I was able to deduct from the angsty title).

    ...But it's not that bad, even though the protagonist, starting out at age 14 like he is, is gonna be continually beaten by ten-year-olds if your region's league functions in any way like the rest. (and yes, I do randomly drop links to this fic in my reviews, why do you ask? The previous chapter, "Exciting," is also relevant to your fic.)

    Suggestions:
    -Don't center it. It's easier to read if it's left-oriented.
    -Make your chapters longer. Three paragraphs is too short.
    -The darkiness is kind of silly tbh. Seeking revenge for his parent's murder, really? This is Pokemon. He is fourteen. It would be no more plausible if he was ten.
    -So is he gonna battle the gyms or what? Why?
    -Work on your grammar a bit, and proofread.

    ...I sound so negative, don't I? But really, I don't mind. It's fairly original, almost plausible (getting a Pokemon as a Christmas present from one's uncle, who is a professor, seems normal, but slightly less predictable, and interesting). I dunno what you're going on about with that one-paragraph prologue, but I'd get into plot as fast as I could if I were you. Preferably in the next chapter, otherwise readers will lose interest in the cliffhangers about this "cataclysm".

    Keep writing! Post another chapter, and I might review that too!
     
    Suggestions:
    -Don't center it. It's easier to read if it's left-oriented.
    -Make your chapters longer. Three paragraphs is too short.
    -The darkiness is kind of silly tbh. Seeking revenge for his parent's murder, really? This is Pokemon. He is fourteen. It would be no more plausible if he was ten.
    -So is he gonna battle the gyms or what? Why?
    -Work on your grammar a bit, and proofread.

    ...I sound so negative, don't I? But really, I don't mind. It's fairly original, almost plausible (getting a Pokemon as a Christmas present from one's uncle, who is a professor, seems normal, but slightly less predictable, and interesting). I dunno what you're going on about with that one-paragraph prologue, but I'd get into plot as fast as I could if I were you. Preferably in the next chapter, otherwise readers will lose interest in the cliffhangers about this "cataclysm".

    Set the starting point to left.
    I'll start with the next chapter, this chapter was kind of a briefing.
    The reason he got his Pokemon at 14 is because if his uncle had given it to him at 10, he would have sought revenge. His uncle thought by now he may have forgiven the people who killed his parents.
    He will battle the gyms, though not as a first priority.
    Proofread it and fixed some errors.

    On the next chapter I plan to skip a few days to when he sets out on his journey. I might make the next town have a library, where there are books about said cataclysm.

    Side note: I really don't think the age matters, it's the skill of the battlers.
    10 year old kid > Giovanni
     
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