Temple of Latios

[Abskull]

Meeting Raye​

Hi there! I'm Shelo! I'm going to tell you a wonderful story about a girl named Raye. She is in fact my younger sister. She did something very brave, and I'm dieing to tell you!

* * * * *​

"Wake up, Raye!" Yelled Kiki, "It's time for school!"
"I'm coming! Just don't wake..." She started, and Kiki woke up there Arcanine, Yuki.
"Yuki," Sighed Raye. I heard Raye and Kiki talking down stairs, so I decided to go down.
"How did you sleep, Shelo?" Asked my mother, Milata.
"Oh, I slept fine," I murmered. Kiki came running down the hall quikly in her socks. Raye followed her.
"How'd ya sleep?" Asked Kiki. As you can see, Kiki is the youngest.
"Go to go honey!" Called my father, Hitako.
"Oh bye!" Milata said. All three of us ran outside to catch our bus.
"Elo! Hey little ones!" Greeted Mrs. Mika (our bus driver!)
"Hello!" Smiled Kiki. We hopped on the bus and went to school. Kiki is 8, Raye is 13, and I'm 16. Were totaly in seperet grades, but our schools are close. Raye is very spirtual, she likes to go to her temple that she built. It's not like made of marble or anything special, it's a little wooden pagoda that has a stone carved picture of a Latios. She goes there every day to worship Latios. She loves Latios dearly. She has never seen it, but she always feels the presence of it. I totaly respect her for what she does, sadly she is the only one who worships Latios. One day on the news she heard it. Latios had been captured!

 

[oni flygon]

This is...kinda short and lacks description. You should try to focus on environmental descriptions... ;)

 

[Frostweaver]

I'm not as nice as Oni Flygon... so don't sue me O.o;

a) this isn't the anime where we see the action, the background, the characters and all... we rely on your words to know what is going on. Dialogue is actually one of the worst ways for writers to communicate with the readers. Dialogues can only show character description at best, while narration can show all kinds of stuff... that's the main reason why I don't even bother reading a fanfic of only dialogues or scripts.

b) When you're using character narration, NEVER NEVER dedicate a whole section to character description. It bores the heck out of every reader possible... squish it in with some other action. Instead of saying "Her name is ____. She is __ years old with ___ hair, living in ____ town. She loves _____ and wants to capture it" in one paragraph, reword it with other actions so description comes along with action to keep the story moving. Don't let the story come to a complete halt just for the sake of descriptions.

c) length... my reading spirit haven't even picked up yet, and it's the end of the chapter... I personally recommand 1000 words per post/chapter, as it seems to be a good length to me. It's not too long for the author, and it isn't too short for the reader. (really this is the primary reason why I hate reading fanfics on PC, because all of them ends at 300 words or so with a very few exceptions)

 

[MysticGrandpaGohan]

yes i also argee with frostweaver...try to make your posts LONGER!

 

[Abskull]

Grr... this is exactly what happened to me before. This is not the story I wanted to put in! I typed this on word, like years ago! Forgive me, I did not mean to put this story in! Some how I managed to switch the storie titles. So really, I wanted to put a story called Changed but I some how mixed the other two word parts mixed. So I put the word part for Changed in the Temple of Latios section! This is very complicated to understand and explain!