The Ghost and The Darkness [Redone]

Ice demon

All purpose cleaner ^^
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    Ummm my first thread sucked and i'm sorry if i broke any rules but i have started a new story. Same title and characters.
    PS any spelling errors just point it out and i'll fix it ^_^
    Again i'm trying to get better so i want all the comments and criticism u guys can fit into a post..................XD


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    It was a clear night, all the stars were out with a beautiful full moon sitting amongst them ,like a flower in a hundred buds and among these heavenly lights a tiny pokemon bobbed, from cloud to cloud, trying to touch the stars. He was timeless, his age unknown, with no care in the world.
    Suddenly the pokemon stopped, his silver tags swinging from his jerked motion. He had felt something, something soft, something sweet and yet sad, mourning for release. As it stood still, the pokemon listen again hoping to understand what exactly this silent soliloquy was saying.
    "Sweet Surrender is all i ask...."
    It cocked its head.
    "Sweet Surrender......."
    He understood. And with that he raced off, silver tags and all. Over the moon and through the stars, past the gate of morning and into the beyond. He was desperate, he knew what was being asked of him. This call was too strong for him to ignore, indeed he wanted not to grant such a wish, but he knew that it would be for the best.

    Far away ,in a small town, a young girl named Sarah lay, alone, on the hard stone ground. She could not talk nor could she move, she was trapped waiting for her eternal torture to being. She wanted to leave,but she couldn't.The whispering had stopped for now but not for long, they would be back, The Ghost and then The Darkness. She kept thinking over what she had done.
    "I deserve it!!!" Sarah thought.
    "After all i did, i deserve it.But oh how i long for sweet surrender."

    As Sarah lay there, sobbing through blind eyes, she suddenly felt something. Her pain was seeping away! Her mind was becoming clear. And suddenly silver light began to flow through her spirit. She finally felt free.......she gasped a breathe of perfumed air and...........

    The small pokemon floated over Sarah's body as a single tear fell upon her check and then it was gone, back to its world among the stars to lay inside dreams and go to sleep until it is needed again.


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    I'm trying
    *sigh*
    Anyway make sure u guys give it a hard critique and i'll be back soon with some more ^_^
    *Watches for frosty XD*

    PS sorry for it being so short but the problem was i couldn't fit anymore into this and it had to be a chapter on its own.

    Guess which pokemon that is??
    i kinda skipped forward - this was going to be late in my first version
     
    Last edited:
    I like how you used detail, but you may want to use an entire extra blank line every ti me someone starts talking. Just remember, a comma can't take the place of a peroid. Also, use two spaces in between peroids, it makes it look so much neater! ^_^ There are a few spelling errors and make sure you know where to put your capital letters and where not to put them.

    Besides that, your story is good. ^_^
     
    Good story, Ice demon! It's really something. I can't wait to read more!
     
    Well this is the new chapter ^_^
    hope u guys like it..........and remember all comments help.

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    Sarah Dubose, a young girl of 14, with long black hair, green eyes and a sweet smile, just moved to Saint Monac, a small down north of Fortree City, with her mother.
    Her father had died several months earlier and even though Sarah liked there home in Lilycove City, her mother believed that moving to a small community maybe best for them both.

    "Mummy what have u there??"asked Sarah
    "Oh nothing honey, just some boxes that i found in the attic.I believe that they have some toys.Would u like to see them??"Said her mother
    "Yes!!" Sarah Exclaimed. She grabbed the box and headed outside to sit on their front lawn.
    "Well just make sure u put them back in the box when ur done.Ok?."

    "Yes, whatever!"
    And with that she went running off with her eevee, Puri, running behind her.


    Sarah sat down outside and examined the contents of the box - an old shoe, a bunch of broken dolls and some paper bits. Then Sarah saw something remarkable - a beautiful old clock, or what she thought was a clock.
    The clock was wraught in silver and had fine markings along its side in gold. The markings depicted various pokemon, but most notably was that of a large Banette.Also she noticed a gap in the inscriptions and several scratches in that spot, which was weird as the rest of the clock was in perfect condition.

    Sarah gently examined the clock and as she did so her fingers ran over the Banette and thats when it happened. She felt a strange tugging sensation around her waste followed by a massive bolt of pain that ran up the length of her spine, paralyzing her.Then suddenly she began to hear whispers...
    "Come my love" it called
    "Come and rescue me, my love"
    "What was going on" Sarah thought
    "What is happening!!"

    And then she began to hear her name being called, not by the whispering phantom, but by someone else.. a friend

    "Sarah" it called
    "Sarah"


    "YO!!!!!"
    "SARAH, WHATS WRONG?"

    Sarah felt a sharp poke on her said that made her throw the clock back into the box.

    "Aww" She exclaimed and whirled around angrily.
    "What did u do that for"
    "Well u weren't answering me" Seto replied

    Seto was a boy around Sarah's age that she had met when she first moved to St Monac. He was tall and slim, he had dark, spiky hair and a cheeky smile.

    "Sorry, I must have been.....day dreaming. Yeah, that's it. I was day dreaming" Sarah said, trying to convince herself in the process.
    "Well thats all good, but are you ready yet?"
    "Ready for what?" Sarah replied confused
    "To go for the tour around town" Seto replied. His eyebrows were raised and oddly, this irritated Sarah.
    "Well maybe i forgot!!" She shouted.
    Seto looked abashed.
    "Its ok, we don't have to go if u don't want to" he said quietly
    "Ohh Seto, i'm sorry. I'm just having a bad day, that's all. Come lets go for that tour!"

    Sarah and Seto walked down the main street and turned left. The mountains that towered over St Monac were in clear view now, even their snow caped pecks.
    "Wild Absol live up on those slopes" Seto commented as they walked
    "Wild Absol??" Sarah said in alarm."But aren't they dangerous??"
    "Well i don't know" Seto said.
    "No one has seen one since the temple collapsed, but we do hear their calls at night"
    "Temple?? What temple?"
    "You don't know about the temple? And u have been living here for how long now?" Seto exclaimed.
    "Ohh, don't be a fool Seto. Just tell me"
    "Oh fine" Seto said with a grin.

    "It Iis said that a long ago a massive temple stood at the site on which the town now stands. It was dedicated to Jirachi the Wish Maker and many people across the world visited it both to ask Jirachi to grant there wish and secondly to view its awesome beauty. Sadly the Temple was destroyed by a major earthquake, but the dedicated monks moved the usable stones to various locations and built some fifty small temples, each three feet high. However not all the stones were used as midway into the construction a single Absol appeared among the ruins. People who witnessed it said that it appeared out of a cravace ,in the rubble right after a burst of mysterios light filled the air."
    "Where did the light come from?" Sarah asked. Her eyes widening
    "Well you see I um...."
    "What?" Sarah asked
    'Well i don't know" Seto confessed.
    "Well that sucks" Sarah exclaimed.
    "You tell me this story and just as its getting good u give me a cliff hanger?"
    "You wanted to know!!" Seto said.
    "Ohh lets just drop it." Sarah sighed.

    They walked back home slowly.

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    It is really similar to my last one,but this time i added in some more conversation between these two. I mean for all i know they could end up together ^_^
     
    Good fic! Just a suggestion: watch for speller errors such as !. together and u instead of you. That's all! ^^
     
    It's a good fic and all, but yor problem is length. Star's sig is longer then your whole first chapter. What does that tell you?
     
    Well there is the next chapter
    I think i made a few mistakes though but what ever.................................


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    Sarah trugged slowly to her bed that night. She was very tired, very,very tired. As she slowly opened the door Sarah was shocked to see the strange little clock sitting upon her dresser.

    "Mom!" Sarah called.
    "Yes dear" Her mother replied.
    "Did you put this clock thing in my room??"
    "Yes I did. It is beautiful. Isn't it??" Mrs Dubose called back.
    "Well.....alright" Sarah said with a heavy tone.

    Sarah walked over to the clock on her dresser and picked it up. The markings were shining slightly under her dim bedroom light.

    "I wonder how much ur worth" Sarah asked the clock.
    "Bet you would fetch at least a few hundred"

    With that she placed the clock down on the dresser and jumped into bed ready for a good night sleep, but little did she know that that wouldn't be the case.
    As soon as she fell asleep she was flung into a vivid, almost real, dream.

    She was moving quickly down a torch lit corridor, her billowing clothes trailing behind. Her body was almost gliding over the floor as she approached two large doors ,which to her suprise, opened automatically for her.
    Sarah was now standing in the middle of a large circular room with beautiful paintings on its walls. On the other end of the room a small figure appeared out of the shadows.
    "Why have you come here?" The slight figure asked
    "Why do you think?"Said a harsh voice. And for the first time Sarah noticed a figure standing next to her.
    "For fun" A third voice responded, which to Sarah's horror came from her mouth.
    "For Fun!!" the small figure shouted
    "Well consider play time over!!!" and with that he through a silver object on the ground.

    Suddenly Sarah felt a tug across her entire body and in a shrek of horror she was wrenched foward. Her body became entangled in that of the figure next to her as she plunged into the abyss of the object, which had now open into a gaping hole.

    Sarah awoke screaming.She was sweating profusely as she tried to regain her composure.
    "What was that??" she asked herself.
    "That was just a bit to real"

    After a while Sarah settled down but she couldn't sleep. Indeed the last thig she wanted to do was sleep, all she wanted was the sun to come up and dispel all the shadows around her.
    As Sarah lay in bed she glanced over to her dresser to the clock, which to her suprise was glowing, an evil glow. Sarah began to hear whispering...
    "Did you have to start the dreams already?" A voice said.
    "Well I was anxious" A second one replied.
    "I mean when was the last time we did this?
    " Not since that stupid boy went to the asylem." The first voice sighed.
    "But I wanted her to see it from my view.You always go first."
    "Oh stop your wining! I did already it."The second one replied.
    "But i wanted to....."
    "Wait!" The second voice interupted.
    "Did you stop access to her mind"He inquired.
    "What do u mean by "did i stop access"? The first voice answered angrily.
    "Oh crap........."The second voice shouted."We didn't"
    "This is all your fault. Now she isn't going to afraid of us with all your complaining"
    "My fault!!!" the first voice shouted.

    And with that they were gone.
    Sarah lay on her bed, still gazing at the clock.
    "Man, I need to get some sleep" she thought.
    And with that she rolled over and closed her eyes.

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    Hope u guys liked it............................
     
    Cool and nice story! Good fan fiction!
     
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