The Ghost and The Darkness

[Ice demon]

Chapter one


"Mummy what have u there??"asked Sarah
"Oh nothing honey just some boxes that i found in the attic.I believe that they have some toys.Would u like to see them??"Said her mother
"Yes yes!!" Sarah Exclaimed as she grapped the box and gestured to her eevee to follow her.
"Well just make sure u put them back in the box when ur done, ok."

Sarah and her mother, Mrs Dubose had just moved to Saint Monac, a town north of Fortree City .Sarah's father had died 7 months earlier and even though they had receieved enough money via life insurrance and savings to support there lifestyle Mrs Dubose wanted to move away from the Lilycove city into a quiet town to raise her child.
Saint Monac was very old town that was situated at the base of several tall mountains.It was said that a long ago a massive temple stood at the site on which the town now stood. It was dedicated to Jirachi the Wish Maker and many people across the world visited it and prayed for their wish to come true. Sadly the Temple was destroyed by a major earthquake but the monks used whatever skill they had to position small temples, no more than three feet all around the land. However as the years rolled on most of the temples were destroyed except one.

After grabbing the box Sarah went outside on the lawn to sit.The mountains loomed over her and almost blocking the bright blue sky.
Sarah began searching through the box with no luck. It was filled mostly with small dolls but all were broken beyond repair.
"hallo whats this" Sarah exclaimed as her eevee jumped upon her lap
At the base of the box sat a small round object.She picked it up and blew away the dust only to reveal, to her surprise, a beautiful clock .It was wraught in silver and had small markings along it's side.
Sarah picked it up and began to examine it. Nothing seemed unusual about it at first but as she began running her fingers along the marks they began to glow and suddenly she began hearing whispers telling her to do something, but what??.Then all of a sudden................
"Yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


PS my spelling sucks and i don't have word on my computer yet so just point out the mistakes and i'll be glad to fix them ^_^
and don't laugh too much XP............................
I have chapter 2 +3 already i just would post them later tonight.................

 

[Ryoutarou]

The story has promise...but it's way to short and your stroytelling isent that great. I'd say make it at least two to three times the length of this. If you want to do longer chapters like me and oni you might want to make it at least 2500 words per chapter...in all it's a ok story.

 

[Frostweaver]

lol... 1000 words is acceptable for a chapter really. I think that 1000 words is the standard for now.

Basically, overall it just needs some work. Narration needs to be expanded. Needs some work with paragraphing and grammar check (use online spell checks). Overall you'll be needing a lot more adjectives and descriptions (settings and characters, etc) in order for this fanfic to go any further.

 

[Ice demon]

lol ok............
i'll go improve the rest.
Thanx guys - PS the rest may take a bit longer to come ^_^

Well duh i forgot the character describtion
oh well next time ^_^

 

[Abskull]

Corrections

This story is cute, but it needs some corrections.


Storyline

Pretty cute! It has a nice little beginning! I might edit this later though.

Grammatical

"Mummy what have u there??"asked Sarah.

Mummy needs and comma next to it, but don't get all worked up for that one.

Try to only put one question mark.

"asked needs to be spaced to make " asked.

"Oh nothing honey just some boxes that i found in the attic.I believe that they have some toys."

Again you need a comma, but you don't have word so that makes it pretty tough.

That I needs to be double spaced from the period so it will looked like this, . I.

And last that period needs to be a comma.

"hallo whats this"

Capitalize every letter that begins a sentence!

Whats needs an apostraphy (SP?) so it will be what's.

You need a question mark at the end.

Sarah and her mother, Mrs Dubose

Mrs Dubose needs to be Mrs. Dubose

"Well just make sure u put them back in the box when ur done, ok."

ok needs a question mark because she's asking Sarah if it's okay.

"Yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

0_o; Try just lowering the exclemation marks to three, but hey, you don't have to do that.

but what??.Then all of a sudden................

Please, don't put a period when you ask a question.

Errrr... it's easier to just put three.

----------------------------------------
A little tip try to make a new paragraph when some one finishes speaking,
example:

"I like my dog," said Jimmy.

"That's cool," replied Sally.

Do that and I'll bet you'll be a good writer!

Spelling

u is you
ur is you're or your
ok is okay

Abskull's Nit Picks

"Hallo" I know it's the german way of saying hello, but I usually don't like that.

Abskull's Tips

Try reading the story out loud to hear what it might sound like to other people.

Overall

This story was pretty cute, but it was lacking description. It really needed more description. You might be able to imagine what the charecters look like but others might not. Click the box for your grade (and please, do not get mad at me for what I give you)

Spoiler: Grade

You get a C+! Remember, keep on writing!

 

[Ice demon]

Well i can see that i'm definitely a newbie ^_^

Thanx again for all the suggestions guys its really helping.
Sorry but this chapter is kinda boring so...........

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"HELLO!!!! SARAH!!!!!!"
Sarah felt a sharp poke in the back and the clock went flying and landed neatly into the box.
"Sarah whats wrong??"asked Sato
Sarah had met Sato the day she arrived. He was tall and slim with messy hair and glasses.
"What? Uhhhh......Sorry, i don't know what got into me." said Sarah ,as she whirled around to face him.
"So are u ready to go yet?" asked Sato
"Go where??"
"For the tour around town i promised u yesterday!!"
"Ohhhh! Yes, i'm ready.Lets go."
They both walked out of the yard, but as they turned the corner Sarah took a look back and to her surprise, the clock was gone.

That day Seto showed Sarah all the sites in the town - the cafe, townhall and all that. He also told her about the forests that grew along the sides of the mountains
Apparantly a mysterious pokemon named Absol lived there, however the only recorded sighting of one was the day the temple collapsed.
"You see Sarah on the day of the earthquake a single absol came running down through the ruins. As a result people here believe that absol is the messenger of doom." Seto explainded.
Sarah found the story interesting.The last marking that she had run her fingers over was that of an absol and the first a banette.

That night when Sarah had settle down to sleep she glanced over to her bedside window and for the first time since she had reached, she noticed a strange hump in her back yard and to her horror she saw what seemed to be the clock sitting at the base of it.
Sarah sprung out of her bed and ran to the window.She pressed her forehead to it and stared through the murky night, but it was gone - the clock was not there."But how??" she asked herself.
After 5 more minutes of intense staring and then a bit of doubting she went back on her bed. It must have been a her imagination, she was sleepy after all.


The next morning Sarah awoke to the sounds of birds singing their hearts away.She looked towards the window
"Maybe it was just all a dream." she thought.
"Yes thats it. It was just a dream."
With this firm resolution she rolled to her side to get out of bed when suddenly, she felt small grains rolling across her body.
She jumped out of bed only to find that she was covered in dirt - her hair, her legs and under her nails were all covered in dirt.As she stumbled back in confusion Sarah's eyes fell upon her dresser and there it was, the clock.
But how!! she exclaimed.
Suddenly the Banette marking that her fingers first touched began to glow red, bright red, a demonic red.Sarah began to hear the whispers again. It was clearer now but still she couldn't fully understand it. She felt her eyes tugging as though they wanted to get out of her head and her heart began to race. The pain was more than she could handle.
"NO!!!!" she exclaimed aloud
You will not have me!!!!

And with every last drop of energy she had she grapped the clock and through it out of the window. A loud smashing sound reassured her that it was gone as she fell onto her bed.



I merged chapters 2 and 3 cuz u guys told me that my first one was too short.
u can't believe how short they were ^_^

 

[Abskull]

A couple more mistakes, but I won't scorn you!

 

[Ice demon]

Thanx
I think ^_^
i'm here to get better at my writing not to be showered with praise so i really don't mind................................................................

lol next chapter is up........

_________________________________________________________________


Still feeling the effects of the 'attack', Sarah headed to the bathroom.She was sobbing but she needed to do something about the dirt.Her mother would burst a blood vessel if she saw all that dirt on her.

"Oh honey!!" Mrs. Dubose called as her daughter walked down the stairs an hour later.
"Come look at this" Sarah walked over to her mother and stared in the direction that she was pointing and there it stood.
No more than 3 feet high a stone temple that time seemed to have taken its toll on.
"What could it be??" Mrs. Dubose asked her daughter
She finally understood where the dirt came from. She must have been sleep walking and gone to the mound and dug it up.Yes that must be it.
And suddenly it came to her. Seto talked about the monks building small temples across Saint Monac after the earthquake and didn't he also mention an Absol.
"Wait a minute" Sarah said to herself.
"Mom i've got to go.I'll talk to you later"
And with that Sarah went dashing from the house.

Sarah made her way down the street to towns old library. She figured that it must contain some records of the details about the legend and the earthquake, not to mention the clock. As she went pelting down the road her eyes fell upon an old antique shop.
"I'll stop there later." she said to herself.

Finally she reached the library. She expected to spend hours there. It was, after all, how it was done the movies. The hero goes searching for hours among old doucumets and by chance the one he's looking for falls of a shelf and within it i all the answers are hidden.However Sarah was not going to be in that predicament as the librarian made it quite clear that they had no documents beyond 1823 and sadly the temple had been destroyed in 1209.
Downtroden she made her way back home, until she came across the old antique store again.
"Why not" she said gloomily and she walked in.

The antique store was old, really old, and the air was heavy with dust. As she walked deeper into the poorly lit store she came across an old woman.
She smelt like an old, wet cloth that had been sitting for years.The old woman gave a slight grin or more correctly the sides of her narrow lips twitched.
As Sarah carefully walked around the woman a dusty old painting caught her attention.


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sadly i couldn't make it any longer ^_^
i must be bad ^_^
everyone else gets great reviews.............
Oh well....................
Its learning time XP