[Pokémon] The Secret Of Shinford City (v2)

[CliveKoopa]

The Secret Of Shinford City

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This is a complete re-write of The Secret Of Shinford City. I've removed all references to Mystery Dungeon, instead it will have a different secret and I have made this fic much darker and longer.


This may have some mild violence and swearing in later chapters


Please review/comment.


Chapter 1
It was a normal day in Team Rocket's headquarters in Viridian City and two high ranking admins had been called into Giovanni's office for an important mission. They walked down the long corridor until they reached Giovanni's head office. Admin Vernon knocked on the door twice.


"Come in," said Giovanni's voice from inside. Admins Vernon and Fraser walked into his office and stood in front of Giovanni's desk.


"Take a seat, both of you," Giovanni said. They did as Giovanni said without saying a word. After a short pause, Giovanni spoke.


"I have an important mission for you two. Have you ever heard of Shinford City?" he said.


Both Vernon and Fraser shook their heads to say they hadn't heard of it.


"Shinford City is a city in the Clough Region, located over 200 miles west of here," Giovanni said as he handed the admins some maps. "Inside Shinford City, there is a temple for pokemon as well as a museum. I want you to retrieve a special artifact from the museum. It is a rare crystal what could prove very useful to me. Use that crystal on the Arceus statue located at the back of the temple."


"What type of crystal? Where exactly in the museum will we be able to get it?" Fraser asked.


"It looks like this," Giovanni said handing the admins a picture of the crystal. "You'll find it in one of the second floor rooms. It will be in a room of its own. It is a very special crystal so you will need a key to get in. Luckily I have friends in high places so I have a copy of a key for you." He handed over the key, which said room 24 on it.


"The temple's caretaker is looking after four coloured beads, which are needed along with the crystal to open a chamber hidden underneath the Arceus statue." Giovanni added. "Convince him to give you the location of the beads and then make sure he keeps quiet. That is all the information I have for you right now. The rest you'll have to figure out for yourselves along with the secret itself. I've asked some of my grunts to go with you. They will be meeting you outside this building. I don't care how you do this mission, just make sure you don't fail.


"Yes sir, we won't let you down," Vernon said.


"I know you won't," Giovanni said as Vernon and Fraser left Giovanni's office. Outside Team Rocket's HQ were three grunts by the names of Leon, Charlie and Mikey who waited patiently for Vernon and Fraser to come out the building. When they came out, they all got into a helicopter, which was waiting for them.


"Where are you all going?" the pilot asked, who had been hired by Giovanni.


"Shinford City and make it snappy," Vernon said.


"You got it," the pilot said as they left for the long trip to Shinford City.

​

 

[CliveKoopa]

Chapter 2
Six miles west of Shinford City in a secret base in a cave in the woods lived Spencer, a trainer and breeder from Glenforda Town along with his pokemon. Spencer was no ordinary trainer as he had the ability to understand pokemon language. While most trainers hear most pokemon speaking only their name, Spencer hears them the same way he hears other people speak; in English. This is also how pokemon hear each other.


Spencer had sent two of his pokemon to collect some berries in the woods as he wanted to make some pokeblock for later. Blaze the Wartortle and Sunny the Raichu walked into the woods to gather some berries while holding some baskets what Spencer had given them.


"It's a lovely day to collect berries," Blaze said to Sunny as they walked over to some trees, which had many different berries on them.


"Yeah, those berries should be perfect," Sunny said pointing to a tree in front of them. "They look really ripe. But we should have a look around. Spencer said to get at least six different kinds of berries,"


"That shouldn't be a problem at all. We'll collect up to five of each berry and we should get up to ten different kinds. That's fifty altogether," Blaze said. Sunny nodded and they started collecting the berries.


Inside the secret base, Spencer was having a one-to-one training session with Corey, his Machoke. A lot of Spencer's training involves himself being a target and he also spars and wrestles with some of his pokemon. Spencer doesn't mind using himself as a target and he finds sparring with his pokemon quite enjoyable as well as a serious form of training, which tested physical strength more than it does special moves and abilities. Spencer and Corey stood facing each other as they prepared for a sparring match. They quickly grappled each other as they tried to push the other backwards. After a short while, Corey gained the upper hand and eventually put Spencer in a headlock while twisting his arm back with his other hand. Corey tripped Spencer over making him fall over allowing Corey to pin him down while keeping him in a headlock and arm-twist hold. After about ten seconds, Spencer submitted. After getting back up, Spencer praised Corey for his success and his strength.


"Great work Corey. Your restraint techniques are improving. You can use that form of defence against bad people like Team Rocket considering there is just one of them of course," Spencer said.


Meanwhile, Blaze and Sunny were returning to the base with their berry collection.


"We did good, Spencer will love these. These berries are so ripe, we should have some very tasty pokeblock later," Blaze said. As they were heading back, they heard a noise overhead. "What was that," Blaze said as he he and Sunny looked up. They saw Team Rocket's helicopter passing overhead as it went towards Shinford City and it was descending very rapidly. Although they had travelled from Viridian City, which was on the other side of Shinford City to where the two pokemon was, Team Rocket had flown directly over Shinford City and back again to make sure they were at the right place.


"That was Team Rocket" Blaze said recognising the helicopter. "They must be headed towards Shinford City as they were quite low,." Blaze and Sunny looked at each other for a second.


"If Team Rocket are here, then they must be up to no good. I have a bad feeling they are here for something to do with that temple or the museum or maybe both. We have to tell Spencer," Blaze said.


"You're right, we are due to go there tomorrow so we have to warn him so we don't get caught up in any of their activities," Sunny said. "Let's hurry back now."


Blaze and Sunny hurried back to the base where Spencer was waiting. He could tell they had been running.


"Hey you guys, you didn't need to rush. You could have took your time coming back," Spencer said.


"Sorry, we had to rush back. We saw one of Team Rocket's helicopters on our way back. We think its going to Shinford City as it was quite low," Sunny said.


"What the hell are they doing here?" Spencer said to himself. "Well I'm not going to worry about them for now. Did you bring the berries?"


"Yes, we got ten different kinds, five of each," Blaze said as he and Sunny handed over the baskets.


"Great work, you've picked the ripest berries you could find so I've noticed. I'll get to work right away. First, we'll all have some dinner then later we'll find out what Team Rocket are up to," Spencer said.


"That's a great idea. I'm starving," Sunny said,


"You and me both Sunny," Blaze said.


Spencer called out all his pokemon and they all had dinner with different coloured pokeblock added to each of the pokemon's dinner. After they had eaten, Spencer called back his pokemon and while they were resting, he washed up. He then took his bag, which had all his pokemon stuff in and left the base. He locked it behind him and left the cave. Once he was out, he called out his Charizard.


"Come on out Justin," Spencer said throwing Justin the Charizard's pokeball.


Justin stood in front of Spencer and waited for his orders.


"Justin, I need you to give me a ride to Shinford City please," Spencer said.


"No problem, hop on," Justin said.


"Thanks Justin," Spencer said and got on Justin's back as they flew up into the air and eastwards towards Shinford City.

​

 

[CliveKoopa]

​

Chapter 3


Back when Spencer and his pokemon were eating lunch, Team Rocket's helicopter had landed just outside Shinford City. The two admins and three grunts got off while wearing casual clothes so they wouldn't be recognised. The pilot then left as the rockets started to discuss their plans.


"Now before we start our mission, let's make sure we have everything," Vernon said. "Do you still have that key Giovanni gave you, Fraser?"


"Yes," Fraser said showing him it before quickly putting it away again. Vernon turned to Leon, who was carrying all their other essentials in a bag. "Leon, is everything else we need in that bag?"


"Yes, I made sure we had everything before we got onto the helicopter," he said.


Vernon checked the bag and inside were guns, ropes and gags. Each rocket took out a gun and hid in their pockets while Vernon took out some ropes and gags and put them in a seperate bag, which he gave to Mikey to hold.


"Good. Now all we need is that crystal and whatever lies inside that temple," Vernon said as Leon closed up the bag and put it over his back. Mikey did the same with his bag.


"This is what we'll do. Fraser, you take Leon with you to the museum. Do what you have to do to get that crystal but try not to attract too much attention or suspicion," Vernon said. "Mikey, Charlie. You will come with me to the temple. I know exactly how we will get the caretaker to co-operate," he sneered.


Fraser laughed along with Vernon, he knew what he meant but the grunts didn't and just stood blank-faced. It appeared that Fraser and Vernon both knew all about the caretaker and his weaknesses but didn't mention it to Giovanni. The grunts were then told of what Vernon meant by getting the caretaker to co-operate. After mentioning their evil plan for the temple's caretaker, Vernon spoke.


"Okay, now we all know what we have to do. We shall split up and we'll meet later at the temple where hopefully we shall have everything we need and we can begin our exploration of the temple's secrets," Vernon said.


They then split up. Fraser and Leon walked to the museum while Vernon, Mikey and Charlie decided to take a walk somewhere else before heading to the temple. They walked to a house, which was connected to the caretaker. Vernon knocked on the door, which was answered by a little girl.


"Hello little girl, is your dad home? Vernon said with a menacing voice.


The girl was about to scream but was grabbed and handgagged by Charlie. The girl was the caretaker's daughter and Vernon knew she would be home alone.


"Quick, tie her up and gag her," Vernon said. Mikey took some rope out of the bag he was holding and tied up the girl before taping her mouth shut.


"Good, that should keep the little brat quiet. We can use her as bait to get her caretaker father to give us what we want. If he doesn't, we'll kill her and then we'll kill him," Vernon said once the girl had been secured and silenced.


"Boss, how are we going to get her to the temple without people seeing her?" Charlie asked.


"We'll use the back door. The temple is right at the back of this house, we can get there easily without any witnesses seeing her or us," Vernon said. Charlie carried the caretaker's daughter on his back as the Team Rocket trio along with their new captive went towards the temple.​

 

[CliveKoopa]

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Chapter 4
Spencer, who was flying on Justin the Charizard's back descended down just outside Shinford City in the same spot where Team Rocket's helicopter had landed earlier.


"Good job Justin, you should rest now," Spencer said as he called Justin back into his pokeball. Spencer walked into Shinford City and looked around for any suspicious looking people.


"Team Rocket could be up to something at the museum or the temple, I should check the museum first," Spencer said to himself. He walked towards the museum and paid for a child's ticket. He was only fifteen so he only had to pay an admission of 50 Poke.


Meanwhile, Fraser and Leon were already inside the museum acting as normal visitors waiting for the right time to strike.


"Lets have a look around first before getting to business," Fraser told Leon quietly.


"Good idea, we don't want to attract too much attention," Leon replied.


They were in a back room on the ground floor and Spencer walked in. The room was filled with people so Spencer didn't suspect anything from anyone in the room just yet. He waited for a while as he observed everyone in the various rooms. He then noticed Fraser and Leon whispering to each other and looking around for any eavesdroppers.


"Hmm, there's something fishy about those two," Spencer thought. "I wonder if they're part of Team Rocket. I should keep an eye on them." Spencer glanced at the two while also looking around the room so not to alert them. Fraser looked at his watch then motioned for Leon to follow him.


"Right, lets go to the second floor. We need to get that crystal right now," Fraser said quietly.


Spencer got a bit suspicious as he noticed Fraser seemed to be a bit agitated and in a hurry to leave the room. Once Fraser and Leon were out, he decided to follow them. Fraser and Leon took the elevator to the second floor so Spencer took the stairs. The elevator was faster so Fraser and Leon arrived on the second floor before Spencer got there.


"Shit, now where did they go?" Spencer said when he got onto the second floor. He walked left down the corridor until he saw them going down another corridor. They finally got to their destination. Spencer followed them then quickly hid in behind another door.


"Here it is, room 24," Fraser said. "Our prize is in that room."


"Prize?" Spencer thought. "Now I get it, they are with Team Rocket. They must be after whatever is in that room.


"Once we have that crystal, then we can use it at the temple. Vernon and the others should already be there waiting," Fraser said.


Spencer started to get angry but didn't want them to know he was listening. Fraser put the key Giovanni gave him into the keyhole and opened the door. He and Leon walked in and Fraser locked the door behind him. Spencer took a chance to stand outside room 24 once they were inside and listened to the duo.


"Here it is," Fraser said upon seeing the crystal. "The answer to all the secrets hiding in that temple." He proceeded to move the crystal and as soon as he had it in his hands, the security alarm went off. Spencer almost jumped out of his skin and quickly ran to the first floor. He left and walked straight to the temple. He didn't say anything to anyone just in case it might look like he was the guilty one.


"Quick, let's get out of here before anyone finds out about this," Fraser said. He and Leon left the room and quickly ran out the back exit while hiding the crystal in a bag. They managed to get out quietly without attracting any suspicion from anyone else. Once they were away from the museum, Fraser spoke.


"Okay, to the temple we go. We've got what we came for. Now its time for the next stage of our plan," Fraser said as he and Leon walked over to the temple. Later, the theft was discovered when the security system showed a flashing light next to the words "room 24".


Spencer was very angry and decided to stop Team Rocket. He headed over to the temple cautious that Team Rocket wouldn't spot him. Fraser and Leon were already at the temple where they met up with the other rockets.


"Hello Vernon," Fraser said before showing him the crystal. "We have the crystal."


"Good. We have the caretaker's daughter and she's being held in that room," Vernon said pointing to a room next to where he was standing. "The caretaker doesn't know it yet but he will soon enough and he will give us what we want or else." Vernon and Fraser laughed evilly.

































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[Esper]

Hi. I'm not a fanfic regular, but I'm reviewing your fic anyway.

Let's start with general things I liked about this fic. You established the plot right away and jumped into. There is a special mission, a mysterious crystal, and Team Rocket plans to use it for its nefarious ends. You keep it secret and that gives me a reason to keep reading.

Mystery isn't something you should give away too quickly. I had wanted to know what the caretaker's secret was and you gave it away in the next paragraph. That was a point where you could have drawn out the drama and the mystery to keep the readers wondering and interested.

On the topic of keeping things interesting, I wish there had been more showing and less telling. To illustrate I'll use this sentence:

The room was filled with people so Spencer didn't suspect anything from anyone in the room just yet.

Here you're trying to establish a scene where Spencer walks into a room with some disguised Rockets. You've told us that he doesn't notice anything strange, but what does he notice? It's "filled with people". Okay, that's a good start, but he's searching for TR so he would need to be thorough in his search. You could show off his detective skills a bit, what makes him suspect or not suspect each person he looks at, give us some insight into his character. He notices them whispering, but it's a museum so that wouldn't be so unusual. As a reader I often want to see how characters do things and not just read that things happened. Describing the action draws out the drama. It's not very thrilling to have the alarm go off and only a few sentences later have everyone safely outside even if that's what happens. To have the alarm go off and everyone safely outside after several paragraphs is much more interesting.

To continue on the show vs. tell idea I have another line that becomes confusing because of too much telling.

It appeared that Fraser and Vernon both knew all about the caretaker and his weaknesses but didn't mention it to Giovanni.

Who could it appear to that would have known about the conversation Fraser and Vernon had with Giovanni? It looks like you were trying to hint to the readers that these two had kept information from Giovanni, but the previous line

he knew what he meant but the grunts didn't and just stood blank-faced

already implies Fraser and Vernon know something that we, the readers, don't know yet. This kind of excess explanation, where you specifically point out things (in other places, too,such as how Spencer's pokemon say the helicopter isn't just a helicopter, but a Team Rocket helicopter) makes me feel that you're not comfortable letting the reader assume what's going on in the story. It's perfect fine for the pokemon to say they see TR's helicopter (I'm willing to believe that for this story TR might put their logo on a helicopter), but it's okay to let the reader assume the helicopter is going to Shinford City because even if they guess incorrectly (which they probably won't) the next chapter clears everything up.

A couple of other things I want to point out. I felt the dialogue between the pokemon was unnatural and too plain. I didn't need to read them explaining basic multiplication while they're picking berries because the number of berries didn't have any relevance to the story. The names you used didn't interest me. Sunny the Raichu, Mikey the grunt, Justin the Charizard. Having Spencer be able to understand pokemon speak seemed strange, even if it allowed him to find out from his pokemon about the helicopter, but I would think he could have seen or heard it on his own.

You also had various grammatical errors: missing quotation marks, commas where there should be periods, a took that should have been a taken, and enough errors that you should go back and grammar check the whole fic.

Overall I can follow the story, it has a relatively quick pace, and the plot is interesting. However, I'm left without much interest in the characters. I have only a vague idea of what kind of people they are. One works for TR so he's greedy and mean. One lives in a secret base with his pokemon so he's a generally good person. Don't give up the secret of the crystal until the very end because that's what is driving your story.

 

[CliveKoopa]

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Chapter 5
Spencer walked to the temple with a fast pace determined to find out what Team Rocket was up and try and stop them. Inside the rockets were about to put their plan into action. Vernon slowly walked into the room where the caretaker was along with Leon and Charlie.


"Hello Mr. Barlow," Vernon said knowing the caretaker's name.


"How do you know my name?" Mr. Barlow said facing Vernon and the two rocket grunts.


"I know a lot about you. And very soon you will know my name and you will not forget it," Vernon said in a low, menacing grin. Mr. Barlow looked at him in shock.


"What do you want from me?" Mr. Barlow asked getting quite scared now.


"The coloured beads for the Arceus statue," Vernon said coolly. Mr. Barlow looked at Vernon with wide-eyes.


"Why do you want those for?" Mr. Barlow asked.


"What we want is underneath that statue and you are going to help us claim them," Vernon said.


"I'll never do that," Mr. Barlow shouted immediately afterwards.


"Oh is that so?" Vernon said. He then knocked on the door of the room they were in and Mikey and Fraser came in with the little girl who had been bound and gagged since they first captured her. Mr. Barlow's heart just sunk. He didn't know what to say. He began to get all tense.


"Nooo, YOU BASTARDS," Mr. Barlow said.


"Now you are going to help us or you and your precious little daughter are going to die right here and then we'll leave your rotting corpses for the bugs to chow down on," Vernon said. Mr. Barlow got really angry but knew he had no choice.


"I guess I have no choice," Mr. Barlow said.


"Wise decision. We've already got the crystal. All we need now are the beads," Vernon said as Fraser showed Mr. Barlow the crystal. Mr. Barlow followed the rockets who was keeping his daughter close by them to make sure Mr. Barlow didn't try any funny business.


Spencer was now inside the temple and walked slowly to the main worship hall where the Arceus statue was standing in the middle of the room.


"Hey, what's going on?" Spencer shouted as he walked into the room. They all turned towards Spencer's direction. Spencer realised what was happening when he saw Mr. Barlow's daughter tied up.


"Its one thing to steal a crystal and then use it for evil but to kidnap a little girl, that is sick," Spencer said.


"Stay out of this," Vernon said.


"No I won't. You must pay," Spencer said before going for one of his pokeballs. He stopped himself when he noticed Mikey holding a gun towards the girls' neck.


"Yeah, that's right," Vernon sneered. "Not so tough now, are you?" Spencer just froze in terror as he now realised just how dangerous these men were.


"Leon, Charlie, tie him up and gag him. We can't have any more disturbances. Make sure you tie him up tight," Vernon said. Spencer didn't try and fight back so he just stood there as the two grunts pulled him to the floor and tied him up. They then taped his mouth shut.


"That should hold you," Leon said. Spencer gave them a dirty look but made no attempt to struggle. Any wrong move could give them an excuse to murder the little girl they were holding.


"Good, now lets get down to business. Mr. Barlow, when Fraser has finished placing the crystal in the back of this statue, you will put the beads in the right places, you understand?" Vernon said.


"Yes," Mr. Barlow said.


"Good. Fraser, lets get this over with," Vernon said.


Fraser then put the crystal in the back of the statue, which was indented to fit the crystal. Mr. Barlow was a bit hesitant but was encouraged by a glance of a gun in his daughter's face to put the beads in the right places. Once he had done that, the crystal and the beads started to glow. The room started to rumble slightly as the Arceus statue moved forward revealing a staircase down to a hidden cave.


"Hmm... Interesting," Vernon smiled. He then ordered Mr. Barlow to follow them in the chamber.


"Leon and Charlie, stay here and guard him," Vernon said referring to Spencer. "Make sure he doesn't escape."


Leon and Charlie moved to either side of Spencer as Vernon forced Mr. Barlow to follow him, Fraser and Mikey down into the chamber.​