Two Pieces of Work

[monkeyandhead]

This one I wrote when I was bored after playing guitar for ages. It just popped into my head, it's a story like Poem and is not meant to rhyme, just have meaning.

A little boy is born into the hands of his mother,
his father sits next to her watching on and smiling.
The little boy wears blue eyes,
and is born with hair coloured brown.
He holds onto his mother and fathers fingers,
grasping them tightly, showing how big, and little of a creation he is.
Outside,
a tree has broken ground.

He is woken by the sounds of an alarm clocking ringing,
at the age of 16 his sleep hates to be disturbed.
When he wakes he dresses to his uniform and approaches the breakfast table,
there lies a bowl of Corn Flakes cereal.
His father comments,
"Boy, you've grown big"
Outside,
leaves fall off trees.

Leaves outside are growing,
inside lies a coffin with a man, so small,
compared to the tree outside.

This next piece is meant to be symbolic, I named it Divorce, so hopefully that gives you insight to what is going on. Again, not much rhyming :P

The wind was still as a man walked down a gravel road,
a spot of makeup had stained his shoulder,
and a drop of tear fell from his cheek.

 

[TJgamer]

Your first one seemed a bit too confusing to me.
Actually its the last verse that baffles me. "With a man so small" I don't quite get it.
But it's probably just me.

Divorce is truly a terrible thing. Your poem did a good job describing it.
Even if it is a bit short, it's still plentiful. Nice work.

 

[monkeyandhead]

Your first one seemed a bit too confusing to me.
Actually its the last verse that baffles me. "With a man so small" I don't quite get it.
But it's probably just me.

Divorce is truly a terrible thing. Your poem did a good job describing it.
Even if it is a bit short, it's still plentiful. Nice work.

Yea that last line is supposed to be a bit symbolic and not so easy to get, but it's their on purpose so don't worry about that ;)

The poem is supposed to be short, I find enjoyment out of making the short poems and also the two liner sort if you get it.

But thanks for the comment :)

 

[mervyn797]

It's perfectly fine to have free line poetry. :)

But... it's time for C+ CC.
The sentence formation is a little bland. If you don't get what I mean, "A little boy is born into the hands of his mother," for example needs a little twists in word formation to give it a little poetic style. Otherwise it just sounds like plain text written in a story. This: "The little boy wears blue eyes," I feel is a better way to form a sentence while writing poetry. The rest of the poem seems to be fine when it comes to sentence formation, but you know, first impression is the last impression. XD

"When he wakes he dresses to his uniform and approaches the breakfast table,"
This is actually repetitive. The part where you have written "When he waked up" Because you have already mentioned that in a previous line,"He is woken by the sounds of an alarm clocking ringing,"

"The wind was still as a man walked down a gravel road,"
^ An example of a near perfect selection of words for poetry. Keep it up~! ^_^

Anyways, I liked the way you compared the growth of a young boy to that of a tree. But you should consider using for of poetic devices. Alliteration to start off with.

 

[monkeyandhead]

It's perfectly fine to have free line poetry. :)

But... it's time for C+ CC.
The sentence formation is a little bland. If you don't get what I mean, "A little boy is born into the hands of his mother," for example needs a little twists in word formation to give it a little poetic style. Otherwise it just sounds like plain text written in a story. This: "The little boy wears blue eyes," I feel is a better way to form a sentence while writing poetry. The rest of the poem seems to be fine when it comes to sentence formation, but you know, first impression is the last impression. XD

"When he wakes he dresses to his uniform and approaches the breakfast table,"
This is actually repetitive. The part where you have written "When he waked up" Because you have already mentioned that in a previous line,"He is woken by the sounds of an alarm clocking ringing,"

"The wind was still as a man walked down a gravel road,"
^ An example of a near perfect selection of words for poetry. Keep it up~! ^_^

Anyways, I liked the way you compared the growth of a young boy to that of a tree. But you should consider using for of poetic devices. Alliteration to start off with.

I see where you're coming from about the bland lines, and I'll definitely input that in the future, I also noticed some lines were better suited while others were just being said. Thanks for noticing the repetition mistake, I look forward to fixing that >.<

Thanks for the comments, it definitely helps me in the future.