Where The Stars Hail

[luxuriate]

Something's gotten into me
Don't know what it is
But it feels good, it feels good
Something shiny inside me
So I'm sporting a smile
Feeling like it, like I need it
It's my story, worth the while
~*~
I don't know why or how
The world's still spinning, still spinning
We're all on a ride
So like hell I'm gonna
Devote my last breath
To go where I'm supposed to be
Something shiny's inside
I'm marching noisily to my death!
~*~
You can walk with me, that's if you want
We can shoot across the sky
You can talk to me, that's if you want
We can burn up all the night
You can stay with me, that's if you want
We can shoot across the sky
You can lean on me, that's if you want
We can burn up all the night
~*~
I'm happy cos I wanna, I wanna be
I'm shiny cos I'm meant to, I'm meant to be
And I know, you're exactly the same
It's your story, it's yours too, that's if you want
We can shoot across the sky
That's if you want
We can burn up all the night
But I won't be here for long
We can shoot across the sky
That's if you want
We can burn up all the night
But I won't be here for long​

 

[Oryx]

First of all, I really like the title :) I'm a sucker for good titles that aren't mentioned in the poem, so that really stood out to me.

I can really see this as a fast-paced dance song tbh. Like, I can really see it in my head. Not sure if that's what you were going for but that's how I first saw it and now I can't see it any other way. xD;

There are a few places where the rhythm seems a bit off. For example, the first three lines and the second three seem like they want to parallel each other, but the syllables are a bit off which is a tad confusing. Also the line near the end "But I won't be around for long" I think is like one syllable too long, it could easily be fixed by changing "around" to "here" or taking out "for" or something similar depending on your style and how you want it.

The only other suggestion I would give is stanzas. Stanzas in poetry is like paragraphs in posts - it's not necessarily required for everything, but once you get into the longer poems it makes it easier to read. Plus I could see a lot of places where thoughts break, and stanzas would be nice to emphasize that. :3

 

[TJgamer]

This poem was pretty fun to read. I don't know why, but, it is.
And as Toujours said, it does seem pretty fast-paced, which isn't a bad thing.
I just like how its mood is bittersweet (if that's the right word to use). It keeps your hopes up.
I can't really say much more, for Toujours took care of a lot of details so, yeah, it's a pretty nice poem. And I liked it a lot!

 

[luxuriate]

Thanks, and you're right, I had it fast-paced! And again, right, I see I should've taken a beat out by the end. I'll do that now. :)