[Pokémon] Winterwood and the lost Shaymin

[Shea Man]

Hi, there! I'm Shaymin! Well, I'm a Shaymin. There's many of us, but we flock to flowers like Feebas to fresh water! *giggles* That's why we're so hard to find. Anyway, let me tell you about the worst time of my life...

Chapter 1: Flower Haven
"So, what do you think?" I just stared at the other Shaymin. She'd decided she'd set herself apart from the pack by wearing a White Lily on her right side, behind her natural petals. It made sense - we all called her Lily, anyway. "I think it looks pretty, but..." Lily gasped and began panicing. "Why? What's wrong with it? Does it look ugly? Shea!" I was called Shea. My back had a slight dark brown tint, and I had a birthmark under my left petals that looked like a bean, or a seed. So, I was called Shea. "No, it's just - we're all still Shaymin in the end, right? So what's the point of being differ-- ACK!!" And that's why I had a birthmark. She wiped her Lily over my birthmark, and the pigment took, so my birthmark had, effectively, been erased. I still regret saying that. "What was that for!?" I asked, curling up and cradling myself. "Well, it's not like you're not a Shaymin, too!" "It's not my fault I had a birthmark!" She laughed. "Had." I stuck my tongue out at her as she left, and promptly tried licking off the pigment - which obviously failed. And, of course, Seed Flare wouldn't have worked, it was a pigment, after all. This was a Prologue to the most terrible time of my life.
---
So, for a few days, nobody recognized me, but eventually, just as we prepared for the Gracidea Migration, a friend of mine, Cal, pegged me. It's funny, it wasn't a big mark. Our group, which we called the pack, was about to migrate to the closest Gracidea field. Of course, we all made it. Nothing bad happened. It was, overall, very uninteresting. The nearest Gracidea field happened to be on the other side of the region, cursed be cruel fate! But, like I said, we made it. I was going to miss the smell of honey, though. I can't wait until we go back to Westwind, someday. Anywho, we'd made it - with the help of a few Mantikes and Mantines, and oh, how I appreciate them! I digress. We found our way to the Flower Haven, where oh so many Shaymin had found themselves! We were all happy for a time, and within the next few days, we'd have taken on Sky Forme. Isn't that just lovely, being able to fly and all? Wes, the pack leader, decided we'd head back and take residence near Unown Cavern. Uri, Wes' navigator, decided to take a rounded route, flying by Cresselia Town. That's when I got lost. A fog had blown in from the South. I got lost, and I found myself at Winterwood, and, of course, I lost my Sky Forme to the cold...
So began my tale of woe.
-----------------------------End Chapter


Author's Notes
I plan on continuing this, and comments and insight are appreciated.

Here's a basic idea of how Shea sees the region - it's Sinnoh, but they use their own names.
Flower Haven = Flower Haven
Westwind = Floaroma
Near Unown Cave = Solaceon
(Note, there's a flower patch in the day care area, and a forest nearby)
Cresselia = Celestic
(Note, the Fog is to the East of Celestic, and the Shaymin call it after their friend Cresselia, whose island they've been to before.)
Winterwood = Acuity Lakefront
(Note, it's a forest West of Snowpoint)
Basically, it's Sinnoh through a Legend's eyes.

 

[psyanic]

I see you like Shaymin there... anyway on to the review.

Corrections in bold:

Lily gasped and began panicking.

"No, it's just - we're all still Shaymin in the end, right? So what's the point of being differ-- ACK!!" And that's why I had a birthmark. She wiped her Lily over my birthmark, and the pigment took, so my birthmark had, effectively, been erased.

I just don't get this. A birthmark was erased by the brushing of a lily, that somehow takes pigmentation from the skin? This requires a bit more explaining, such as something like the cause being the "Natural Cure" ability of Shaymin.

I still regret saying that. "What was that for!?" I asked, curling up and cradling myself.
space
"Well, it's not like you're not a Shaymin, too!" "It's not my fault I had a birthmark!" She laughed.

When introducing a new speaker, create a new paragraph to indicate the fact. It looks scrunched up as one block of text.

This was a prologue to the most terrible time of my life.

That's when I got lost. A fog had blown in from the south. I got lost, and I found myself at Winterwood, and, of course, I lost my Sky Forme to the cold...

I don't believe you capitalize the directions on a compass when referring to the actual direction, only when it's being used in a name, say the American Midwest. Going along with the content, these are just actions. There's nothing much about Shea, other than the simply commands as flying. Descriptions make it a bit more interesting to read as well, especially in first person. As readers, try to implement a bit of imagery. Shea serves as our eyes, and we can only imagine seeing what you say Shea sees.

Try to add in a bit of characterization. Shea and Lily seem like boring characters. They're bubbly Shaymin, what else? Is Shea naturally timid or relaxed or whatever. Adding in something like Pokemon natures wouldn't be a bad idea either...

I liked the idea of having a Shaymin migration, based on Gracidea Flower blooming right? The names for different places are creative, and sounds sensible from a Pokemon's view, especially a flowery Pokemon's. Though, I kind of see Shaymin belonging to a herd rather than a pack. When I hear pack, I think of a group of ravenous wolves. Shaymin seem to be peaceful.