[Pokémon] Wish of Cleo

[darkpokeball]

Table of contents:
CHAPTER ONE(That's this thread! Yay!)
Chapter Two-Six(Coming soon)

Prologue:

Blood dripped off the bloody dagger, as if the metal was bleeding. A gloved hand held it firmly, although shaking. The hand belonged to a cloaked figure staring down at the dead girl on the floor, in front of him. The body was lifeless, pale, and unmoving with a slice straight down through the chest to the joint between the legs and the body. The cloaked figure gave one last look at the girl before pulling out a vial of green powder. Popping open the corked top, he pured the small contents of the tube-like container onto the blonde-haired corpse. The girl, although beyond life, gave a small shake. Then, the body sunk into the ground with a sick, hissing sound. The cloaked figure laughed and walked away, leaving peace in the night as if nothing had happened.

Anna Greeps shuddered as she read the PokeNews weekly. As her loving Pachirisu slept soundly on her lap as she sat in the plush warmth of a soft chair, Anna called her best friend Sue Tressa.

"You have reached the Tressa residence." responded a warm and kind voice over the speaker.

"Sue, it's awful here in the Frea region. More and more of the poor girls and woman inhabitants are going missing. It's a good thing you moved to Sinnoh."

"Wait...another one went missing?"

"Yes. And I fear that I might be next every single cold, dark night."

There was silence as Sue Tressa wondered what to say.

"Anna, how's your daughter? Jaqueline must be awfully scared too." Sue Tressa said at last.

Anna Greeps looked out her window where she saw Jaqueline training her Cleffa in the tall grass behind their house. Anna still wondered why Jaqueleine would just keep training her current three pokemon instead of catching new ones like she did in her training days.

"Anna?" Sue's voice came over the phone.

"Jaq's fine. She's training her Cleffa. But it's obvious to see that her fear comes out at night that she might go missing. Of course, all the women and girls feel that way. The males just try to comfort us and console us, but it won't work under these dark times." Anna responded.

"Indeed." Sue said.

Anna looked at Jaqueline and smiled. Suddenly, the Pachirisu gave a yelp and a jolt of electricity bolted up Jaqueline's mother.

"OW!" Anna said, at the shock.

"What's going on?" Sue asked, but then Anna saw what caused the Pachirisu to jump.

"I gotta go, Sue. Something's not right." Anna Greeps said, her voice shaking.

"Anna, what's happening?" Sue said, her voice dripping with concern.

"Sue, it's just-----AAAAHHHH!" Anna's response was cut off by her own screaming.

"Anna?" Sue said, meekly, and scared. "Anna? ANNA!"

There was no response. Sue gulped and said the word one more time...."Anna?"

CHAPTER ONE:

Ricky was Sue's son. So, he was taken by surprise when his mom stepped out of the house and unlocked her car. Ricky put his Charmander back in the pokeball.


"Mom, what's going on?"


"Trouble. Get in the car, Ricky. We're going to the Frea region."

Ricky obeyed and kept his Charmander's pokeball close by his side as he entered the car. Sue turned to Ricky and gave him a strong look.

"Ricky, listen. If anything is to happen to me, don't wait. I want you to run. Run as fast as you can. Something bad is happening at Frea." she said.

"Then why are we going to Frea if something bad is going on there?" Ricky asked, shaking as beads of sweat trickled slowly down his forehead.

"You know Mrs. Greeps, right? She's in trouble."

"But...."

"Ricky, let's just get there as fast as we can with no more talking."

Ricky zipped his lips as they headed to the airport. It was a long ride and Ricky pondered what in the world could be going on. He hugged his pokeball close to his chest, in fear. Finally, after what seemed to be a long and rugged trip, they got onto the plane. There was a small clanking, and then it took off.

A flock of Pelipper's led by Penolope, flew over the great sea. Penelope was just recently put into head of the flock when her father, Perry had been hit by a plane and plummeted to his doom two days ago. As they headed out, there was a familiar clanking sound.

"Penelope, is that a---" George, antoher Pelipper, had his sentence cut off by the clanking off a huge plane.

"FLY AWAY!" Penelope cried out, eyes wide, as she remembered seeing her father fall lifelessly.

Penelope turned around and tried to get away, but ran into George. They were tangled together for a bit before it all ended for them.

The plane was no doubt, nose-diving. Apparently, some stupid Pelipper's were flying in front of the plane and were now blocking the view of the window. Ricky felt Sue's hand touch his, and the pilots, steering randomly, hit a bump. The plane lurched, and Ricky knew they had hit a glacier or mountain of some sort. The plane plummeted to the icy seas, just like that of Penelope's father. There was a great cracking sound, and the plane was underwater, under thin ice.

"Oh my gosh." Sue said, obviously panicking. Water poured in from the shattered window of the pilot's seats and slowly crept under the door into the passenger seats. It seemed like this might be the end of their stories....

<The second part of Chapter one is coming soon. How will Ricky and Sue survive? And what happened to Mrs. Greeps? Find out next time...>

 

[Citrinin]

As a whole, the opening scene really caught my attention. It had a compelling sense of mystery to it. I would offer a warning though: the cloaked figure who laughs at his victim's misery can be a tricky character to pull off, because they're so ingrained as a cliché. That's not to say they can't be done well, of course, and it's only the prologue, but I would advise you that as you reveal more about this mysterious villain throughout your story, you should make him interesting and dynamic.

I did have one problem with your opening scene, however:

Blood dripped off the bloody dagger

Repetition and reinforcement certainly have appropriate times, but in my opinion, this was not that time. There were three words that separated "blood" and "bloody", which made the description kind of cheesy, which was obviously not what you were aiming for.

OK, looking to the rest of your prologue. One thing that I found was that the dialogue seemed a little forced.

The males just try to comfort us and console us, but it won't work under these dark times.

I get what you're trying to do here: you want to show the reader that they're living in fear. But it sounds far too much like a narrator speaking. The formality of the tone doesn't capture her fear (and nothing indicates that she's trying to mask it).

---

For chapter one, as a mattter of style, it's not usually accepted to post partial chapters instead of full ones. It makes it harder to both read and review.

"Penelope, is that a---" George, antoher Pelipper, had his sentence cut off by the clanking off a huge plane.

The bolded word should be "another". This should be something that either a spellchecker or a BETA reader can help fix.

"Oh my gosh." Sue said, obviously panicking.

This is quite an unbelievable reaction, I must say. A plane crash is a dramatic event that plunges everyone inside into abject terror, misery, and panic. Simply saying that she was "panicking" is not enough. You should show it. People have visible signs of panic, and their speech is not a calm "oh my gosh".

It seemed like this might be the end of their stories....

Your fic seems quite serious, and one of the best things you can aim for in effect is immersing your reader. Reminding them that they're reading a story is not helpful for dramatic effect, especially at the end where you want to end on a cliffhanger. Speaking of which...

<The second part of Chapter one is coming soon. How will Ricky and Sue survive? And what happened to Mrs. Greeps? Find out next time...>

Your cliffhangers should stand on their own. They should not need you to point out, explicitly, what the reader should be waiting for. If they do, you should work on building the suspense more in the actual story, because, like I said above, this simply reminds them that they're reading a story. At best, it does nothing; at worst, it reduces suspense.

On that note, I would like to say that I do wish you the best of luck. All criticisms here are intended solely to help you improve, and you shouldn't be discouraged by them at all. The budding storyline here certainly has potential, and could go far. :)