Barrels

Mum knew long before she knew I was gay that I wouldn't be having children, on account of I hate them :P. I was just using that as an example! Though even still I'm sure the thought did cross her mind - whenever the subject of children and how little I wanted them came up, she would always do the condescending "oh you'll change your mind" thing that made me want to snap her like a twig.

I heard about the English gay marriage vote! As I said in the LGBT Club, I wonder how the Australian government will feel about their 'no' vote last year now that the mother country has its **** together. Bet they feel mighty stupid now!

It seems the less effort I put in, the funnier I am :P. That status just came to me during what I refer to as my "Motherbuzz" and that was the best of the lot!

Alright, well my giranda dreams put to a dismal end, I guess Ta-ayz-slath and Geronimo are free to have their own generic giraffe babies. If this is what it means for everybody to be happy, I'll put down my page of couple names for Geronimo and Clarice (which was really just a piece of paper with the words "Gerice" and "Claronimo" written inside a love heart) and let what will happen happen. Just saying though, coming up with couple names for Ta-ayz-slath and Geronimo is virtually impossible! Tell Clarice that if a man panda doesn't tickle her fancy, I have access to two lions, a Great Dane and a rattlesnake who would all love to meet her.

HIHIHI!

I feel the need to remind you once again that I haven't forgotten about you! You should probably begin to assume that this is the case; you are always on my mind and I am always aware when I owe you a VM or a PM. And now I owe you both!

Your PM is incredibly amusing despite the horrible subject matter, and when I get home tomorrow night (yes, I'm going to work today then straight out afterwards and I won't be home til tomorrow night) I will be replying to both! I SWEAR!

Bahaha! I'd actually forgotten all about the things I'd written in that post, if I'm perfectly honest with you :P.

And to a mother, yes it makes a WHOLE lot of difference :P. If you're born that way, then at least there's something to blame. But if it's a lifestyle you choose, then you are culpable and there is hope of changing your mind through parental guilt. After all, you are not just choosing to love men, you're choosing not to give them grandchildren and you're choosing to be something that's different from what they wanted for you since the day you were born etc etc :P

I do share your righteousness though! If someone chooses to be gay good on them! I just doubt their mother will see it the same way :P

Now, onto the Facebookians. I run a Facebook designed for attention, as I've told you. I get upwards of 15 likes and often a few comments on everything I post on Facebook. Some instances include this:

Oh and while you wait, feel free to look at my new signature. You'll actually know who it is unlike most people and also... well, boobs. Enjoy!

I haven't forgotten you once again! I actually wrote half the VM I intend to send you then realised that oh **** it's 2am and I really need to get to bed before I die :P.

LOVE YOU! I WILL WRITE THE REST IN THE MORNING AND SEND IT ON THROUGH :D

This seems to happen to me mid-week every week lol. I go to spend some time with my future roommates and I end up staying at their place for three consecutive nights, giving me little to no time for PC or anything internet-related. This is why you need an iPhone - IF YOU HAD AN IPHONE WE COULD BE IN CONSTANT CONTACT NO MATTER WHERE IN THE WORLD I AM. Clarice's every need would be catered for!

Tonight, I'm going to use that first sentence from your VM as my Facebook status and I'm gonna see what people say lmao. (I only post Facebook statuses between 6pm and 10pm because that is prime time when one is most likely to get a lot of response... yes I am an online attention ***** who needs constant validation via the Like button to feel good as a person)

Here is that video I promised you! It took me so long to write that VM that by the end I'd forgotten to go back and add the link in :P

I have failed miserably, as you must already know, on my promise to watch an episode of the Potter musical each day, but I have watched Part 2 in preparation for this VM and here are my impressions!

- I'm Cho Chang, domo arigato!
- MALFOY IS THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE WHOLE THING SHE LOOKS LIKE A GIRL I ACTUALLY KNOW AND THE GIRL SHE LOOKS LIKE IS OBSESSED WITH TOM FELTON AND MALFOY SO AS WELL AS BEING HILARIOUS IT WAS ALSO A TOTAL MIND****!
- Dumbledore looks like the uncle that hugs you too long at family get-togethers lmao

I just got news from Clarice's Bonsai Garden. Geronimo arrived safe and sound and although it was awkward between he and Clarice at first, she offered him a bamboo shoot and he replied with a very witty pun about being bamboozled that she thought giraffes ate bamboo. They then made fast friends and Clarice has been riding around on his back ever since. The bonsai garden is near totalled, but the staff cannot stay mad at their prized panda.

Now for your current VM...

DID YOU MAKE THAT I HEART CLARICE PICTURE YOURSELF? OR WAS THERE LEGIT A PICTURE ONLINE THAT HAD A PANDA THAT SAID I HEART CLARICE?! TELL ME? DO THEY SELL THESE PANDAS AT THE BONSAI GARDEN?!

Also you're not a fantastic stalker, because if you were you would have seen that earlier in that very same thread, I posted my entire coming out story :P it happened at the beginning of November - I shall provide you with a link! :D

HERE IT IS. LE COMING OUT STOREE

I know. I know. I'm so bad I don't even deserve your love anymore. But before you hate me for eternity, listen to my tale!

I got your last VM in the early hours of Tuesday morning shortly before I went to bed. I was going to watch Mr. Criss perform in all his wondrous glory and provide you my thoughts but I had an early day and had to be off to bed, so I resolved to do it that evening. Then that evening my friends Lauren and Brooke asked me if I wanted to go for a McDonalds run, so I thought "alright, shouldn't take long" and I went out with them. Then while I was out, I got a call from my future roommate Luke asking what I was doing because he was bored. I sighed (it's actually been more than two weeks since I've spent an evening at home) and said I'd come over when I finished with Lauren and Brooke. So we finished our plans and I drove them home and then drove over to Luke's to hang out for a little bit...

... I arrived home at 11:30am.

... on Saturday morning.

However, onto business (or rather, pleasure) - OH actually that reminds me. I have a video to show you too! I'm going to link it to you rather than embedding it because I don't think it's exactly appropriate for PokeCommunity children and linking is far less suspicious :P. Here it is, enjoy. I have not laughed so hard at a video since I found the bloopers on the DVDs of Will & Grace :P

SO YES ONTO BUSINESS. You haven't seen the Toy Story movies either?! YOU ARE LIKE MY SOULMATE. I don't want to see them now that I know you haven't. I feel that this gives us a special bond. You and me against the world. Against Buzz and Woody and the whole crew of dolls and whatnot. I solemnly swear that if you never watch them, I won't either. We will share this for the rest of our days!

Aaaaa omg that Pottery song was awesome! I think my favourite part was how Darren Criss seemed to try to make a semblance of a British accent (not very well, but you can feel the attempt) and then when Ron arrived on stage they just called the whole thing off and went full American. You could practically see Fawkes flying over their heads, bursting into flames and being reborn as a bald eagle!

FLOO POWDER POWDER FLOO POWDER POWDER FLOO POWDER POWDER

I have decided I am going to watch one part per day and send through my thoughts :D

I also ordered Geronimo - the smallest giraffe I could find online - and sent him over to Clarice in China. I then got a very angry call from the staff of the bonsai garden where Clarice spends her days and they asked me (in a Chinese accent so angry it almost sounded German) for an explanation of why there is an alpaca who will only answer to the name of "Lollipop" stalking and spitting on their prized panda. Or as they put it, "WHY IS THERE ARPACA WHO WIRR ONRY ANSWER TO NAME RORRIPOP STORKING AND SPITTING ON CRARICE! CRARICE BONSAI GARDEN PRIZED PANDAA! WE CANNOT SAY RORRIPOP PROPERRY SO ARPACA WIRR NOT RESPOND TO PREAS TO STOP SPIT! TAKE ARPACA AWAY!"

So I guess the company screwed up. Clarice does not deserve this treatment and I have sent an immediate cease and desist order to the alpaca to stop this spitting issue and have arranged for animal control to take it away to the Shanghai Zoo tomorrow. Not only will I get Clarice the giraffe she deserves, but I will make this horrible scenario up to her with seven coupons for free panda massage. She must have more than a few knots in her back after all the stress she's been under!

YOU ARE HERE DON'T LEAVE COME AND TALK TO ME I LOVE YOU. I HAVEN'T EVEN READ YOUR VM YET I JUST SAW THAT YOU POSTED ONE AND HAD TO TACKLE YOU IMMEDIATELY

Just as I suspected! It was me who dropped the conversation. And here I was so sure that it was you, all this time! And there I was, blaming Clarice for taking up all your time and leaving me here all alone, pandaless and Barrelsless when in fact it was I who was the villain in the tale all along!

You would be surprised as just how sheltered I am! The amount of movies I haven't seen alone is staggering and I had no idea just how many movies there were that everybody on the face of the Earth has seen but me! Last night they showed me The Emperor's New Groove and Atlantis: The Lost Empire for the first time (insert your gasps here!) and if you add in things I've never seen such as the Toy Story movies and Muriel's Wedding (which you may never have heard of but is apparently a big deal to Australians), I'm the most sheltered person one could hope to meet!

Of course movies are not the only place I am sheltered, what with me losing my 'kiss virginity' at age 22, but still :P.

LOL I love it when you get on a tangent. OK fine, fine, I'll begin watching A Very Potter Musical. Piece by piece. You link me to the first piece though because I want to make sure I get it right :P. Speaking of instilling hatred for my job and nectar, I got promoted at work! I'm now going to be the second in charge at another store... which comes with full-time hours, more job security and a higher pay-rate and everything! I'm so excited! I won't be leading the revolution against capitalism, not when it is treating me so right and fine :P

LOL it's cute that I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22? :P I thought it was pretty damn sad and was so happy that I'm finally catching up to the rest of the world, most of whom did it about a decade earlier :P but I'm glad that my shelteredness is endearing, it bodes well for my cuteness factor in future!

I love the name Jesse too, it's so young and playful sounding and I love that :D. I'm not sure if I posted this in the post you stalked or not, but he's 20 and he's adorable and he snorts when he laughs which I find so incredibly cute eoufhreluglakerg. I will tell him of your warning. I will also tell him that I'll fly you out from England personally just so that you can beat him to a pulp :P. Of course with gay hate crimes being a thing, you'd probably receive a heftier sentence for beating him up than you would another straight guy. Perhaps you should get Clarice to do it for you!

And I want to watch the Potter Musical. I do! I do. But see the thing is... it's like 3 hours long and I find it very hard to find the time to watch YouTube for that long in the one sitting :P.

I will get to it one day though, Crissy will not be ignored or disappointed!

And I'm sorry it took so long to reply to you! After watching Ching Chong I was laughing so hard for three days that my fingers were rendered incapable of typing for the duration. Now that I've fianlly calmed down, I'm here to ease your dapper sadness (which is more dapper on you than Darren Criss as the English invented dapperhood)

I like it when you're needy. It makes me feel wanted :D

Your PM reminded me that I had not replied to your VM! A common problem I run into with you is that I feel you are special and therefore worth more attention and care when I write you messages. This often means I put off replying to your messages until I have time to actually sit down and be all coherent-like [unlike the usual chaotic hockey-puck-rattlesnake-monkey-monkey-underpants state of my mind] and in this extreme case, forget altogether. So I'm glad, sir, that you had been lazy and forgotten to reply to my PM, or we may have fallen out of touch and I would have wept forevermore!

You know I don't drink, silly :P. Why would I waste perfectly good money on a buzz that will leave me with a feeling of regret by morning? I believe this is the same way people feel about hiring prostitutes and it works equally in both cases, forging a similarity between the two that is not at all beneficial to the self-esteem of either prostitutes or manufacturers of alcohol.

What's funny is that pandas are Chinese and bonsai is Japanese and I totally didn't know that until you just said it. I lumped them both under the Asian umbrella, where they huddled until the storm was over and decided they might just like to get together and have children who look like Lucy Liu (my god I shouldn't write at 3am what is this).

Don't you go blaming your VMs on Clarice. Somewhere in China, she is walking through her bonsai garden, shunning you with her mind. If you didn't supply her with fresh bamboo and small children to eat, she would toss you altogether!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO! Please do not cry, when you cry I feel your pain and it hurts :(

Besides, I got you a present! It's a panda!

Well it's not really a panda. I sponsored a panda in China under your name! You will be receiving updates about your panda. I believe its name is Clarice and it has a particular fondness for bamboo shoots and long walks along the bonsai garden. If you'd like to visit your panda, you can't. It's in China. But it loves you for the care you are providing!

I still haven't forgotten you! I would never forget you!

I just haven't had time to stay on PC for more than 15 minutes at a time for at least a week. ARGH CHRISTMASSSSS

I haven't forgotten about you! I will get to watching the wonderful videos you leave me and replying to your messages :D

When I do, remind me to tell you about my horrid horrid 45 hour working week and how badly it's kicking my arse.

UPDATE: I forgot and will do it in the morning :P. It is a very interesting PM to reply to!

I've written about 2/3 of the reply to your PM, and then I was whisked away for two entire days without internet :P

So now I have to leave for work and I shall complete my response tonight afterwards! :D

I am not drunk by the way just very tired and if I keep putting off replying to your VM then I will just forget again and you will think I hate you when you are my one and only. <3

You shall be privy to all the details of my private life, so privy that you could track me down and stalk me and kill me in my sleep. Of course if you did that you'd have nobody to stalk anymore so I don't know why you would. Stalker logic, I guess. Kill your raison d'etre.

I don't even know what I'm saying it's 2:30 in the morning.

Beautiful flawless disasters to happiness dextrously monkey monkey underpants i love you never leave me

I'M HOME!

I read your message days ago on my phone which has the power to connect to the internet and was very tempted to reply - but you see, typing on phones (even the iPhone, with its impressive capabilities in all areas of life) is incredibly annoying and I would never have been able to give you the reply you deserve from me :P

So my real estate debacle! Essentially what happened is this: I met this friend on Grindr (which, if you didn't know, is a gay dating app - most people just use it for sex but you can just meet friends there if you're especially lucky like I was) and he lived about 5 minutes from my house. He had two housemates who shortly after I met Luke (Luke is his name, just to catch you up to speed) decided that they wanted to up and move to Tamworth (a country town which is basically the country music capital of Australia - its name comes from Tamwoo, which in Aboriginal language translates to "If I Lived Here I'd Blow My Brains Out").

This meant that Luke was without two housemates and needed two more. He knew that I needed to get away from my parents and asked me if I'd like to move in and he got another housemate as well named Scott who is really cool. The thing was though that the lease was in the name of one of the housemates who left for Tamworth, and though we tried to have the lease transferred into Luke's name, they wouldn't allow that and would have had to make him apply just like everybody else. Even if he got the place he would have had to vacate and the rent would have increased.

So the only option, of course, was to leave Ben (the ex-housemate's name) on the lease and just pay the rent under his name, leaving the landlord and the real estate none the wiser. However Ben and his boyfriend Jarrad moved out on the 11th and took 95% of the stuff with them, and on the 13th there was a once-in-a-blue-moon landlord inspection planned.

This made the owners suspicious that something was afoot, especially as they seemed to be living without a fridge. So I moved in on the 22nd, thinking everything was fine, only to find out about half an hour after I'd moved in the last of my stuff that Ben and Jarrad had left the rent three weeks behind (a total of $1000+) and the owners had become aware that Luke was living there while not on the lease and were not happy about it. The real estate tried to smooth things over and we tried contacting Ben (who became suspiciously uncontactable) but eventually one week later it became clear that we would have to leave. So we started planning that night and then I moved back today and here I am! We had two weeks to move out but decided against leaving it that long because it would just accumulate more unnecessary rent :P

So the three of us really loved living together for that ten days and we intend to move back out together again early in the new year, but I am temporarily back at home - Land of the Internet Where I Can Talk To Barrels! :D

Also I feel it worth mentioning that I was reduced to a fit of laughter unlike any other when I read this:


I think it was the word 'basket' that got me lmao.

AND I'M SORRY! I was never much into Star Wars and only even saw Episode 5 on the insistence of my best friend Lauren, who wanted to show me how amazing it was. It was good, but I'm largely unimpressed by old movies so it wasn't all that for me. Besides, I already knew the jaw-dropping twist at the end and therefore some of the splendour was lost on me :P.

I then saw Episode 1 because it came out at the movies in 3D in February and I wanted to see if it was as incoherent and laughably terrible as everybody agrees it is. The moral of the story: 70 billion people can't be wrong! Not even the presence of the ever-grand Liam Neeson could spare it from the lacklustre dialogue, incomprehensible storyline and Jar Jar Binks.

The next trilogy is going to happen largely without the involvement of George Lucas, however, so this is a positive step! He can hurt the franchise no longer!

Also I would watch your videos but all my stuff including headphones are in a huge steaming pile downstairs and I cannot get to them just yet :P

I'm sorry! I am inexcusably late, but you should expect a lot of that for the coming weeks. I've moved out of home, you see, and I have no internet to speak of as yet :P. I'm moving back home in three weeks (just temporarily due to some long-winded real estate debacle) and so until such time my replies will be sporadic! :P

But au contraire! Despite only having seen two of the previous six installments (Episodes 1 and 5), I am very invested in the new trilogy and have been following its production closely. I am thinking it will be fantastic thanks to the exclusion of George Lucas, who destroyed Episodes 1-3 with his nonsense :P

BUT YES I AM ****ING PSYCHED OR WHAT!