Barrels

Omg you were online two hours ago and you didn't reply to my PM you hate me don't you I went too far I sensed it but I couldn't stop myself!

Also on the off-chance that you HAVE been friendzoned (though I can't see why anybody would friendzone you, hell even I haven't friendzoned you :P) you should put the money you were going to spend on your date to buy The Casual Vacancy! It came out today if you didn't know and I'm 10 pages in and already intoxicated by Rowling phrasery goodness :3

************************ I do this all the time! I wake up and look at PC on my phone all excited then I read all the stuff you send then I fall back to sleep. Then I get up like an hour later and get on my computer, see no notifications and forget that I ever had any to begin with! D:

That is masterful. MASTERFUL I SAY! I laughed through that entire thing, particularly when you listed the targets lmao.

And aren't you adorable PMing me about girl troubles because you're scared to do it in public XD. I'll PM you back hehe

Richard was a Keeping Up Appearances reference, perhaps you're just too YOUNG to understand it :P. Though you are British, that should be played everywhere. We may have even had this conversation before :P

And I have no shame, you should know that by now.

ALSO 'The Project' is officially complete and is available for your perusal should you still wish to read it. I can send it via The Inner Sanctum. It is long, though. *****y Jonas 1x03 review kind of long :P

Thank you!

(lmao I just read that VM back to myself and I feel like I was inordinately mean tonight - I'm sorry I do love you!)

Lets start at the beginning.

It was a white envelope. I will not have you going out and giving the neighbours the impression that I have frivolously coloured stationery, Richard Barrels.

And when did I say that Fifty Shades of Grey worked as a story?! I think you might be misquoting me there for your own ends, you crafty little devil you! Perhaps you think it works as a story and are projecting your own feelings of shame on to me! It's OK, it's OK. It is. Everybody needs porn... it's a vital part of every male's life. And this is actually better than the Internet videos that you just watch passively - you're reading, so you're getting actively involved in the experience! Good for you, taking your sex life into your own hands!

Of course this all happens in the mid-afternoon, since it's straight to bed for lil' Greggy after supper. Also if you snore you should really get that checked out - it may be sleep apnea. We don't want you dying of a heart attack before you've been able to enjoy eating the calories to earn it!

And omfg awwww! Though I must admit what makes me cry more than anything in that picture is that the yearbook says '2002'. How can ten years have passed already it makes no sense!

It is 3am and I am in bed on my phone and am going to sleep now so just in case you were wondering why I would be so rude as to reply immediately to your PM and disregard your VM, that is why. I shall reply at sunrise (see: 10:30am).

Good night sir, and since you'll be long asleep by the time I wake up as you seem to have a very PG-13 bed time, I wish you a restful sleep!

Also you don't need to worry about spamming my page, I love me some spam. It's tasty :3

Cute British Charity Guy's name is Hunter, so we shall refer to him as that from now on :P. I went back to the mall where we met today and he was working his booth again and he noticed me and waved, and I noticed him and enthusiastically waved back, but I was with one of my friends and I was too shy to go up and talk to him again... it might have helped if I knew for sure he was gay but ughguhguhg. If he was masturbating (I SAID THE WORD! D:) to my handwriting then that makes things a lot easier, but I can't be sure of that either! Where's the telepathy when you need it! :(

God, Hunter is a hot name.

ALSO THAT NOTE IS NOT ON PINK NOTEPAPER. It is on a white envelope. idk what happened with the lighting but it did come out looking pink lmao.

I'm going to pretend I didn't see the old man comment because my bifocals are acting up. Can bifocals act up? I should Wikipedia this... or better yet, look at the Encyclopedia Britannica editions in my study.

Now, my thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey. Ohohoho do I have thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey. Do I? Yes, I think I do. Make sure Horse is sitting for this, his sugar cube may not rest so easy in his mouth once I'm finished.

Fifty Shades of Grey is an amazing piece of literature. Because not only does it work as pornography, it works as a drinking game. I go to the bookstore all the time with a flask of vodka and play it with my friends. We sit in the corner with a copy of each of the trilogy, and every time we open to a page with a sex scene on it we each take a swig from the flask. Then I drive them home, the car swerving more violently than Christian Grey's penis on page 137.

How does one design shizzle? I Google Imaged "shizzle" and the results it gave me (among a ton of demotivational posters with people saying 'fo shizzle') was this. Is this the shizzle you're designing? Or is it different?

You make me very happy too! You replied to me within half an hour, by which point I was probably drifting off to sleep :P. But it just goes to show that when I think you'll zig you zag, and then when I think you'll zag you do zag, just to leave me unprepared for the next time when you might zig!

Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I won't be getting a **** out of my donation :P. He caught me off guard and I'm not great at flirting at the best of times, so the chances of me picking him up even if he were gay would be very little haha. He may have mentioned that he was also gay though; I can't be sure. I may have misheard him, but he may have said something along the lines of "I'm gay myself, something something, terrible in the north of England." WHY DID THAT HAVE TO BE THE ONE THING HE SAID REALLY FAST. /cry

We're left handed buddies! All the best people are left-handed anyway. That's my take on the matter. We are a rarity, like shiny Pokemon, and should be treated as such. And now, I shall write you the note you've been waiting for. It's clean, I swear! It uses no words that are filtered on PC :)

I would hardly say we're "writing each other novels" when half the word count of your novel is made up of quotes from mine :P but I WILL LET IT SLIDE BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SUFFICIENT CONTENT AND YOU ARE A VERY BUSY BOY.

I've had this tab open for more than two days now, and I keep forgetting it's there lmao. But never mind, perhaps this gave you a chance to visit the Cotswolds with Horse and reattach your fingers.

I'm somewhat puzzled by your amazement at my ability to meet deadlines. To what deadlines could you possibly be referring? I'm very good at waking up twenty minutes before I have to be at work and still getting there with five minutes to spare, but we never approached that topic so you can't be speaking about that :P.

"OMG YOU NEVER WENT AND TOOK A PICTURE FOR ME" - you are so British it makes me squee every time. I'm not sure if you're aware, but using 'never' in that context is pretty much exclusively British and it makes me want to hug you. The power the British have over me is well-documented, though. Just today I signed up to give $33 a month to the Cancer Council... just because the guy selling it to me was British and cute and I felt the need to make him like me. True story.

That's not even my proper handwriting! That's the "I'm writing with a thick Sharpie and this needs to be legible so I won't write in cursive" writing :P. It's the same writing I use when I have to write my name on things at work. My regular handwriting is much more sophisticated with f's that loop around and go simultaneously as high as a t and as low as a j :P. I GOT MY PEN LICENSE AT SCHOOL FIRST IN MY YEAR. THAT'S RIGHT, FEAR ME. LEFT HANDER AND EVERYTHING.

I'll have to check out Penn & Teller. I seriously had no idea that guy was anything other than a cheesy actor from Sabrina who quicly faded into obscurity. I never looked him up on IMDb... nothing. And then I see him randomly talking to Piers Morgan about how God doesn't exist. It's funny how life works out! He's a magician... well **** me sideways.

LOL I love that your solution for Piers Morgan's idiocy is for Penn to turn it up to 9.

OKAY WELL. I'm not writing you anything else just now because it is close to 3am and it's very dark here with all the lights off, but tomorrow I promise I will write you a special note and take a photo of it and put it here :P. Well chances are I will forget and won't remember again until your next VM, but it will come at some point in the near future!

Your certifiable insanity is one of the things I love most about you, why would you ever want to change that? Incidentally, the horse sent me a PM informing me of your finger condition, and told me that your replies might be late (as they will coincide when he will be around to type) until such a time as your hands have been restored to that which they once were. I wouldn't panic, detachment of one's extremities is a common symptom of massive stress. Perhaps stopping to smell the roses once in a while would be a fantastic way to accomplish this. A great place to do this is The Cotswolds, where Horse (as his mother named him following the logic of 'a horse is a horse, of course of course') has volunteered to take you upon his back should you buy him a saddle made of wheat.

Spreading yourself as thin as you do, I'm sure you're no stranger to the feeling where you have so much to do that you cannot figure out where to start and end up playing Super Mario Bros on your Nintendo 3DS in an effort to stall the decision. That's what happened to me yesterday, which is why I had no time to reply to your novel :P. Granted, a lot of 'what I had to do' yesterday involved playing Tekken Tag Tournament 2 which came out yesterday, so I'm sure my things aren't as important as yours and playing my 3DS for an escape from it all is probably far more acceptable :P.

I haven't managed to find that story yet (partially for lack of looking as I completely forgot :P) or my collection of gold-leaf boxes, but I did find this. It's only a post and it's only short, but I viewed it as a creative writing exercise and it's on the topic of atheism, which is our flavour of the day!

And speaking of which, YES I HAVE READ GOD IS NOT GREAT! Here is proof:

So I got up this morning and saw that I had 5 notifications, all of which were VMs. I thought to myself "ooh, 5 VMs! Surely one of them is from Barrels." (Yes, even though I know your real name and repeat it to myself softly as I drift off to sleep, your name in my head is still Barrels out of respect to the monster you slaughtered to earn it). Sure enough, not just one but 4 of them were from you! This made for a very good morning.

Nevertheless, the thought of replying to them right away seemed overwhelming first thing in the morning (keeping in mind that for me, "first thing" = 10:30am) so I left it until now, 12:47am the following day :P

I'm gonna go backwards (i.e. top to bottom):

You are neglecting my awesomeness, but the real crime is that you are forcing me by association to neglect your own! You are far too busy for a 17 18 year old and all those fsctors which are making you such must be immediately destroyed. But before you destroy them, please do fill me in!

Dat link. Dat ****ing link may just be the best thing I've ever read in my entire life. Who is that girl I am straight now and I wish to marry her. Then divorce her just so that I can marry her again. And make her pizza. She is is... omfg lmao. Best thing EVER.

What else have I written... actually, there's surprisingly little! For all the passion I have for writing and all the ideas that constantly swirl through my head, surprisingly few actually make it to paper (or Microsoft Word, as it were). I have a whole book full of notes for story and writing piece ideas including funny little quotes or excerpts or just short lines of dialogue, but so few of them have actually come together into coherent works! I do have one thing though that I had to write in Year 11 English (back in 2007, wow) and the teacher liked it so much she asked if she could publish it in the year book. So there's that. It's not funny whatsoever though, it's a short sad piece that I had to write lol. If I can find it I'll show it to you! Hopefully it'll still be around somewhere... if nowhere else I'll have to find my year book and scan the pages lmao. But I even read over it in like 2010 and cringed at how much stuff I would change lol.

There are no fairycakes and rainbows, or pedestals made of sunshine and flesh :(. Only a girl who lost her sister in a plane crash.

OKAY NOW. ONTO THOSE PEOPLE!

Christopher Hitchens and Stephen Fry - fantastic fantastic witty amazing awesome wonderful epic all the good adjectives ever people. I've seen a lot of their work in the atheist sphere (and I've read Christopher's book God Is Not Great, may he rest in peace) and they've come up with arguments against religion that I would never even have considered.

Penn Jillette - I'm actually not familiar with him and as it is now 2:05am (yes I get distracted easily and it takes me this long to write VMs - another reason it's so daunting for me to do it first thing in the morning :P) I don't have the time to watch that video, so you will have to deal with my thoughts on just the two for now! :P

Awaiting my PM does not mean you get out of VMing me! You are stuck with me until the end of time, sir!

I like your username. It reminds me of PewDiePie xD

I used the word 'now' three times just in that bracketed section. Proof it is indeed 2am... now.

Who the hell has seen the Pokemon Stage Show?! That seems like overkill to me :P. I don't even mod a Pokemon section, there is zero Pokemon talk in OVP so pah. Pah, I say!

And no, not on YouTube! On the television! It's not on our free-to-air channels mind you, only the cable ones :P. But I've seen it just the same!

And I will tell you that the writing is now complete and am now into editing. I will send you a PM regarding all of this at a later time (because it is 2am right now and I totally forgot about this VM til just now and now I can't be arsed :P)

I have no idea what that Misty in Pokemon Live reference even means, but I'll press on anyway :P. HOW COULD I FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY, I NEVER KNEW! YOU NEVER TOLD ME AND BY THE WAY YOU STILL HAVEN'T!

Oh you think you're so smart, don't you, calling me un-British like you do. But I have some news for you! While I haven't seen that particular episode, I've seen a whole heap of Outnumbered and already knew exactly who Hugh Dennis was because I was a fan of his (and everybody else's) work on My Hero from 2000-2005 before James Dreyfus took over from Ardal O'Hanlon and totally buggered the entire series. So there! :P

And no, it's nothing like Fifty Shades of Grey. It's nearly finished though. It's about 5000 words and 10 pages long but it's done. And there is a reason I can't tell you what it is but I can't tell you the reason in a VM either! :P

:O. I can't believe it. You had a birthday. You had an EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY and you didn't even tell me! How am I meant to shop for presents if I don't even know your birthday!

She is an historical figure! It's just that the history in which she is involved is very recent. Like, 1990s recent. The movie was made in 2000, and you should check it out! It's so good! Apparently I'm overusing exclamation marks today!

Notting Hill is your loss. Hugh Grant at his finest :P. Everybody loves Hugh Grant or they're not human.

LMFAO @ your thoughts on weddings, only because I totally agree. Strangely enough though, I don't find these feelings apply in movies. There's something about that degree of detachment when it's on a screen rather than happening actually around you that makes it quite soothing!

Stepmom - OK, prepare for the heartbreak! Susan Sarandon has cancer and is dying. She has two adorable children and they have to come to terms with the fact that their mother is slowly slipping away. Julia Roberts is engaged to the children's father and Susan has to become accustomed to the fact that she will become their new mother after she is gone.

IS YOUR HEART BROKEN? IS IT?!

As to what I'm writing, I can't exactly say in a VM :P. Perhaps you should come on Skype one time and I can tell you! It's nearly done though... nearly. I was hoping to have it done tonight, but it seems tomorrow is the day!