Barrels

Oh my how the time does fly!

Despite the fact that Google has negated the need to ask questions out loud, I will do my due diligence and ask 'who the hell is Nick Gillard? Sounds like a politician.'

I will also ask why on earth anybody is excited about this new Star Wars movie when the first trailer for it was absolute rubbish with no tonal consistency and the fact that JJ Abrams is in charge of it :P

And I love your avatar as well! Is it new?

I was just thinking about you last night! I've had that article open in a tab ever since you sent it and I laugh all the time but it was only last night that I thought "Did I actually reply to that?"

This is what happens when I get a PM and a VM at the same time, I reply to one and forget the other :P

I AM HERE

DO YOU HAVE TIME

COME ON SKYPE

There are a whole bunch of things you can set the swear filter to do. You can disable it which is obviously how your account is set, or you can opt for the love hearts or asterisks like usual or you can set it to "Pokemon" which does really cutesy shit like change the word "fucking" to "psyducking". My account somehow reverted to this after I was demoted so the entire meaning of your first post was FOILED.

The issue has now been rectified, so we can fucking continue all we like.

As fun as it is to imagine a seamstress sitting in her little English cottage one night with a needle and thread sewing an entire helicopter onto a submarine, I somehow don't think this has yet been patented :P

and I'M SORRY! I'LL PASTEURISE THE MILK! IF IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY I'LL FUCKING LACTATE IT MYSELF!

Also I feel we should address the elephant in the room.

YES, it is true, I am no longer staff. The higher staff got together and decided that as I am a normal, intelligent and highly functional human being with no discernable trace of mental or social inhibition or instability, I was not a true representation of the community and as such it was inappropriate for me to represent it on the staff team.

Or I made one too many dick jokes, either or.

Oh and yeah we stopped censoring a little while back - I didn't notice at first either but it definitely is a treat :P

HELLO

I HAVE IT BACK. I AM TYPING TO YOU ON MY LAPTOP AT A RECORD PACE. THE PACE OF AN ACTUAL KEYBOARD!

I imagine this is what a cheetah feels like after it recovers from a broken leg. The wind in my hair, whiskers flying arse-about. Not going to type you a message and then thinking "oh damn it I can't be bothered dealing with the iPad keyboard right now". You know, like cheetahs do.

What have you been productive with? If you're about to tell me you just invented tinned strawberries then I'll understand. The patent work alone is a pile of paperwork Ms. Moneypenny herself wouldn't dare to go near. (I'm thinking Ms. Moneypenny was James Bond's secretary who sat in an office pushing papers until he needed to fuck her, but feel free to contradict me if I'm wrong. Our marriage is already in tatters, what's one more contradiction to add to the pile when we go to couple's therapy?)

Now, I agree to milk the cows, but I don't think you're gonna agree to eating the Coco Pops burnished in the milk of the day before. Have you ever tasted milk straight from the cow? I haven't either, but word on the street is that it tastes like complete ass. You need to pasteurise it, whatever the hell that means, and add all those lovely things that make it drinkable and probably toxic so that the government can control our life expectancy.

Did you see a government conspiracy theory coming out of that paragraph? I didn't.

I will never, however, change my name or profile to Taylor Swift, and I will give you the reasons why.

1) I have no idea how to change anything on my profile. Everything you see here was done for me with completed artwork and a comprehensive step by step on implementation.

2) If I were to change my name to Taylor Swift, it would be locked that way until May :P

3) It would not be good for my self-esteem or my soul.

4) Taylor Swift is a dog.

Though I will say that this was the funniest thing I have read in forever:


so congratulations on that :P

I could see myself as an employee there, I'd answer the phone "Good morning, Rameses' Finest Grape Crushers Cotswolds Branch, Andrew speaking. How may I help you?"

Christ that's a long hello. but I'll gladly put up with it if it means coming home to a wing of your mansion, perchance to hang out with you until the cows come home, brush their teeth, go to bed, wake up again and moo for the whole meadow to hear!

I'm clearly already 20% British as I do Number 3 already, but I've also got some work to do. I have no clue what an After Eight even is and I like any other self-respecting member of any population know to get a VPN blocker and get American Netflix just as the baby Jesus intended.

I'm unprepared to check this as I am on my iPad and my laptop is staying at the Apple Store getting its shit together, but I do believe that we have missed our three year anniversary! So happy anniversary my love! Best three years of my life <3

Oh my god that man is my destiny twin or something, that was so goddamn majestic I never.

Also I feel you should know that the only way I could hold onto that long-ass sentence and follow it through was to actually read it out loud to myself. I'm not sure which part of this message was my favourite :P

I'm considering moving to England some day, what are your tips for British life and could we possibly live together so I don't feel so very alone? You guys have liquor stores I could assistant manage, right?

I will reply properly tomorrow but one point I feel needs immediate clarification is no, Super 8 is not Australian lol. The sentence was meant to be "Yesterday was Australia Day so naturally I spent it inside watching American movies" :P whoops

And alright while I'm here I might as well address Bradley Cooper BUT THE REST MUST WAIT TIL AFTER MY SLEEP. I didn't like the character because I hate that southern all-American patriot type, and also yeah it was kinda the muscles! Bradley Cooper has never done that much for me anyway homo-wise, but he was too big and bulky and his jaw poked out too much like rednecks do and it just made him thoroughly unlike able to me. For the record, I like my guys thin and nerdy rather than big and buff :P

And now that I know you've seen it I can say that I had no idea it was a true story and at the end when the screen went black and it said he died that day I burst out laughing because I felt we'd been taken on that journey for pretty much nothing lol. Though I guess that's how his life felt too - oh, I'm terrible.

ANYWAY GOODNIGHT MY BRITISH LOVE

More Roswell THAN Buffy, goddamn autocorrect for iPad

Oh my god our love I'm so sorry I dropped it like a hot potato! And by that I mean setting it down gingerly on the table and promising myself to eat it once it cools a little bit.

As for fab movies, I've seen a few lately. Yesterday was Australia Day so naturally I spent it inside watching Australian movies! Super 8 was pretty good though slightly disappointing only because my understanding was that it would include people with powers and it instead had huge aliens and was more Roswell then Buffy.

I also saw American Sniper at the movies. It was a really great story but I couldn't stand the main character which ruined it a little for me. But the only thing better than a great movie is a great movie with one flaw to pick at endlessly, so it gave me endless joy nevertheless :P

I hadn't herd about the series of unfortunate events tv show! I've never read the books either but I saw the movie when it. And out like 10 years ago and despite the infallible talents of Meryl Streep didn't do all that well :( but hopefully this will do better since the fact that you know about it and I don't points to it being English rather than American :P

Still waiting to hear about Christmas too!

And it's now January 14!

If it was you who spelled it wrong then it must be the new right. I look forward to many public service annoucements in the future :P

I'm still waiting to hear of your Christmas!

Happy new year! I was beginning to think I spoke last because I hadn't heard from you for so long! I trust your Christmas and new year were fantastic and cold and British?

I've missed you! I've spent most of my time lately warching RuPaul's Drag Race lol

Fine, but only because you said "shan't" which is the most adorable thing a British person can do.

Also if you're gonna dress up as me we're gonna have to find you some big hipster glasses

Yeah incredibly busy - it's almost as if people like to drink at Christmas time!

Ok it is tonight, I've just been through my phone and screencapped it all but now it's bed time because Christmas in all its wondrous glory makes everybody too busy to fully enjoy it :P

Also **** yes I shall get you that text convo tonight lol

I for one am offended that if I were dead you'd just speak on skype from your bedroom. You wouldn't make it out to Australia? Would you at least dress up?