Time to kill this thread with some of my favorite stupid jokes; you've been warned.
What's ET short for?
What's brown and sticky?
Why can't you find a killer in Arkansas?
How's an Arkansas divorce and a tornado alike?
A man walks into a doctors office, and the doctor says, "Bad news Frank, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man says, "Thank God I don't have cancer..."
Where do one-legged people eat?
I told my wife the other day: I think our kids are spoiled. She said: no, lots of kids smell that way.
You're so ugly, when you were born your mom said: "What a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah, let's go bury it!"
A blond needs money, and decides to do some painting around the neighborhood to earn some. They go to the biggest, most expensive looking house, knowing the person inside must be rich. The blond asks if the owner needs anything painted, and the man replies "I suppose my porch could use some fresh paint. I'll pay you $50 to paint it." The blond looks at him funny, shrugs, then heads off to get some house paint. The rich guy chuckles as the blond walks off thinking "Ha, I'll bet that blond didn't even realize that the porch goes around the whole mansion." 15 minutes later the blond knocks on the door, claiming they are done. Bewildered, the rich guy hands over the $50 wondering how the massive porch was painted so quickly. As the blond walks off, they say: "oh by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Two fellows decide to go duck hunting, and a friend stops them and says "you ought to bring a dog to bring the ducks to you." They both nod in agreement, it sounds like a great idea. Hours later, a different group of hunters comes out of the lake with a boat loaded to the brim with ducks, but the two fellows have none at all. The friend asks "how did you not catch any?" They reply: "I guess we weren't throwing the dog high enough."
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for grapes. The bartender, confused, says we don't serve grapes. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns and asks for more grapes. The bartender says we have never served grapes, nor will we ever. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns, but before he says anything the bartender, conflustered to the point of rage, screams: "if you ask for grapes ONE MORE TIME,
I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!!!" The duck asks, "well, do you have any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck asks, "so, ya got any grapes?"
If I offended anybody, please let me know immediately and the joke/s will be down. I have no interest in making people upset, just making them giggle. I'll switch them for some Steven Wright ones >:D MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Two atoms walk into a bar. One says "I think I've lost an electron!". "Are you sure?", the other atom asks to which the first atom replies "I'm positive!"
NICE!