DA JOKE THREAD
- Thread starter Zero°
- Start date
- Status
WTF??
Lulzy Vet joke.
Dr. Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
Lulzy Vet joke.
Dr. Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
rmmstnr
The Seeker
- 36
- Posts
- 15
- Years
- The Brilliant Stars Above
- Seen Jan 23, 2012
Time to kill this thread with some of my favorite stupid jokes; you've been warned.
What's ET short for?
What's brown and sticky?
Why can't you find a killer in Arkansas?
How's an Arkansas divorce and a tornado alike?
A man walks into a doctors office, and the doctor says, "Bad news Frank, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man says, "Thank God I don't have cancer..."
Where do one-legged people eat?
I told my wife the other day: I think our kids are spoiled. She said: no, lots of kids smell that way.
You're so ugly, when you were born your mom said: "What a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah, let's go bury it!"
A blond needs money, and decides to do some painting around the neighborhood to earn some. They go to the biggest, most expensive looking house, knowing the person inside must be rich. The blond asks if the owner needs anything painted, and the man replies "I suppose my porch could use some fresh paint. I'll pay you $50 to paint it." The blond looks at him funny, shrugs, then heads off to get some house paint. The rich guy chuckles as the blond walks off thinking "Ha, I'll bet that blond didn't even realize that the porch goes around the whole mansion." 15 minutes later the blond knocks on the door, claiming they are done. Bewildered, the rich guy hands over the $50 wondering how the massive porch was painted so quickly. As the blond walks off, they say: "oh by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Two fellows decide to go duck hunting, and a friend stops them and says "you ought to bring a dog to bring the ducks to you." They both nod in agreement, it sounds like a great idea. Hours later, a different group of hunters comes out of the lake with a boat loaded to the brim with ducks, but the two fellows have none at all. The friend asks "how did you not catch any?" They reply: "I guess we weren't throwing the dog high enough."
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for grapes. The bartender, confused, says we don't serve grapes. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns and asks for more grapes. The bartender says we have never served grapes, nor will we ever. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns, but before he says anything the bartender, conflustered to the point of rage, screams: "if you ask for grapes ONE MORE TIME, I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!!!" The duck asks, "well, do you have any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck asks, "so, ya got any grapes?"
If I offended anybody, please let me know immediately and the joke/s will be down. I have no interest in making people upset, just making them giggle. I'll switch them for some Steven Wright ones >:D MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
What's ET short for?
Spoiler:
What's brown and sticky?
Spoiler:
Why can't you find a killer in Arkansas?
Spoiler:
How's an Arkansas divorce and a tornado alike?
Spoiler:
A man walks into a doctors office, and the doctor says, "Bad news Frank, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man says, "Thank God I don't have cancer..."
Where do one-legged people eat?
Spoiler:
I told my wife the other day: I think our kids are spoiled. She said: no, lots of kids smell that way.
You're so ugly, when you were born your mom said: "What a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah, let's go bury it!"
A blond needs money, and decides to do some painting around the neighborhood to earn some. They go to the biggest, most expensive looking house, knowing the person inside must be rich. The blond asks if the owner needs anything painted, and the man replies "I suppose my porch could use some fresh paint. I'll pay you $50 to paint it." The blond looks at him funny, shrugs, then heads off to get some house paint. The rich guy chuckles as the blond walks off thinking "Ha, I'll bet that blond didn't even realize that the porch goes around the whole mansion." 15 minutes later the blond knocks on the door, claiming they are done. Bewildered, the rich guy hands over the $50 wondering how the massive porch was painted so quickly. As the blond walks off, they say: "oh by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Two fellows decide to go duck hunting, and a friend stops them and says "you ought to bring a dog to bring the ducks to you." They both nod in agreement, it sounds like a great idea. Hours later, a different group of hunters comes out of the lake with a boat loaded to the brim with ducks, but the two fellows have none at all. The friend asks "how did you not catch any?" They reply: "I guess we weren't throwing the dog high enough."
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for grapes. The bartender, confused, says we don't serve grapes. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns and asks for more grapes. The bartender says we have never served grapes, nor will we ever. The duck, disappointed walks out. The next day the duck returns, but before he says anything the bartender, conflustered to the point of rage, screams: "if you ask for grapes ONE MORE TIME, I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!!!" The duck asks, "well, do you have any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck asks, "so, ya got any grapes?"
If I offended anybody, please let me know immediately and the joke/s will be down. I have no interest in making people upset, just making them giggle. I'll switch them for some Steven Wright ones >:D MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
NICE!
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says "I would like to buy that T.V. please."
The store clerk replies "I'm sorry, we don't do business with blondes."
So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.
The next day, she went back to the same store and said "I would like to buy that T.V. please."
The store clerk, once again, replies "sorry, we don't do business with blondes."
The blonde replied "how did you know I was blonde?"
The clerk says "because that's a microwave, not a T.V."
The store clerk replies "I'm sorry, we don't do business with blondes."
So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black.
The next day, she went back to the same store and said "I would like to buy that T.V. please."
The store clerk, once again, replies "sorry, we don't do business with blondes."
The blonde replied "how did you know I was blonde?"
The clerk says "because that's a microwave, not a T.V."
10 ways to know if you have PMS(No offense. BTW)
I found this pretty lulzy.
I found this pretty lulzy.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
- 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
- 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
- 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
- 5. You are using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
- 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
- 8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
- 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
- 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
sanny the hedgehog
Back by popular demand?
- 587
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Age 28
- Anywhere but here
- Seen May 20, 2013
are michael jackson jokes allowed?
please respond
until then
the worst thing to say to a cop:
i swear to drunk god im not officer
2nd worst thing to say to a cop:
honey?! is that you!/DAD! oh my god!
please respond
until then
the worst thing to say to a cop:
i swear to drunk god im not officer
2nd worst thing to say to a cop:
honey?! is that you!/DAD! oh my god!
Idiot!
One shot, one kill.
- 1,683
- Posts
- 18
- Years
- Seen Mar 17, 2011
A psychotherapist was having a good business. He finally had enough money to open up his own clinic. After he bought the shoplot, the psychotherapist wanted a unique shop sign to attract clients. So, he asked a six-year-old boy to write on a wooden board outside the building.
Sadly, not a single customer came. A week passed with no clients. The psychotherapist went outside and found a woman smiling at him, then she quickly walk away. The psychotherapist wondered what's wrong with the clinic. He went even further and looked back at the clinic. Then he saw something on his shop sign:
PSYCHO-
THE-
RAPIST
Sadly, not a single customer came. A week passed with no clients. The psychotherapist went outside and found a woman smiling at him, then she quickly walk away. The psychotherapist wondered what's wrong with the clinic. He went even further and looked back at the clinic. Then he saw something on his shop sign:
PSYCHO-
THE-
RAPIST
bit.trip void
Time cannot e r a s e
- 1,366
- Posts
- 14
- Years
- Age 34
- Australia
- Seen Mar 12, 2011
Your Mothers so dumb, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Suki
I'm gonna make it.
- 2,108
- Posts
- 18
- Years
- Seen Oct 16, 2019
There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Why thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"Okay," replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.
"Sure," said the sheep herder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382."
"Wow," said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."
"What is it?" queried the woman.
ahahaha, also...
Your Mum's so ugly that when she entered an ugly competition, the judges said 'Sorry, no professionals allowed' lmao
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Why thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"Okay," replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman.
"Sure," said the sheep herder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382."
"Wow," said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."
"What is it?" queried the woman.
Spoiler:
ahahaha, also...
Your Mum's so ugly that when she entered an ugly competition, the judges said 'Sorry, no professionals allowed' lmao
ShadowLeader
because shadows follow...
- 653
- Posts
- 15
- Years
- Above The Shadows
- Seen Feb 9, 2010
if you had ten fingers what would have have?
Spoiler:
Spinor
<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font
- 5,176
- Posts
- 18
- Years
- Seen Feb 13, 2019
A kid is playing Baseball and breaks the house window. His mom comes out and tells him:
"Didn't your father tell you anything the last time you broke the window?!"
"Should I leave out the profanity?" Asked the kid
"Yes. What did he say"
The kid remained silent...
"Didn't your father tell you anything the last time you broke the window?!"
"Should I leave out the profanity?" Asked the kid
"Yes. What did he say"
The kid remained silent...
- 79
- Posts
- 14
- Years
- California
- Seen May 20, 2018
Person A gets hives on New Years day
Person B says "way to break in the new year"
Person B says "way to break in the new year"
lolwut
Too cute for you
- 398
- Posts
- 15
- Years
- what is this i dont even..
- Seen Jan 16, 2010
Yo momma jokes (one's kinda racist so sorry if it offended anyone) and these are innapropriate.
Don't read unless you can handle innapropriate-ness.
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Don't read unless you can handle innapropriate-ness.
Last edited:
JAD0109
Osu!
- 92
- Posts
- 14
- Years
- Bradenton, Florida, USA
- Seen Mar 17, 2010
Warning: These are really bad.
What do you call a dumb pastry?
Your momma's so fat...
What do you call a dumb pastry?
Spoiler:
Your momma's so fat...
Spoiler:
Sweet Smoochum
Banned
- 1,402
- Posts
- 18
- Years
- NEW JERSEY, Sayreville. 08872.
- Seen Apr 13, 2013
What did one Pokemon trainer say to the other Pokemon trainer?
What does Ash Ketchum say when he's drunk?
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
What does Ash Ketchum say when he's drunk?
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
- 139
- Posts
- 17
- Years
- Seen Apr 11, 2010
Spoiler:
Fire Eagle
The Pokemon Legend
- 553
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Age 32
- Walker , MN
- Seen Sep 15, 2010
I hope this is a good one, this is sexual as well.
A large built-up all muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they go back to his place. As they make out in the bedroom, he gets up and starts to undress. After he takes off his shirt, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynamite." After that, she begins to drool.
The man starts to take off his pants and strikes a bodybuilder's pose, looks at his bulging thighs, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynomite." After that, she begging for sex. Finally, he drops his boxers and after a quick glance she grabs her purse and runs away to the door.
He catches her before she leaves outside of the house and asks, "Why are you in a hurry to leave?" She replies, "2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid that you were about to blow."
A large built-up all muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they go back to his place. As they make out in the bedroom, he gets up and starts to undress. After he takes off his shirt, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynamite." After that, she begins to drool.
The man starts to take off his pants and strikes a bodybuilder's pose, looks at his bulging thighs, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynomite." After that, she begging for sex. Finally, he drops his boxers and after a quick glance she grabs her purse and runs away to the door.
He catches her before she leaves outside of the house and asks, "Why are you in a hurry to leave?" She replies, "2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid that you were about to blow."
- Status