Ah, we got time today for more reviews
@ Pokemon Origins- Johto Saga, Raikourider243
-title... shiver... goosebumps... I'm pretty sure that I can apply this title to almost any 2nd generation fanfics =(
the world had not seen war for hundreds of years
"been at war"
But all of this happiness needed a source.
This isn't a complete sentence. You have a conjunction, so what is this phrase linking to? If this is done purposely for emphasis, I'll rather put this as a paragraph as well. Right now, it's not really standing out if this is done to emphasize this fact.
-sudden introduction of "horse" is awkward... perhaps Pokemon is a much more suitable word there. Introducing real Pokemon to the Pokemon World is slightly awkward.
The fires raged for three days and three nights, causing the tower to collapse into the ground. After the three days and three nights,
really wordy here... you already said that the fire raged for three days and three nights, so why repeat it again? A "however" or "suddenly" or any word along that line can replace the unnecessary repetition here.
-Lugia's mentioning sounds almost out of place if it isn't for someone who played the games before. The origin of the two towers in Ecruteak is confusing enough with the manga, the game and the anime all saying different versions of the same setting. Your story starts another version (which would have been fine.) However, Lugia isn't even mentioned in the beginning, when the world is at peace. Suddenly, Lugia's home is struck down. It doesn't feel very relevant to the topic at hand, since we're talking about Ho-oh and the 3 legendary beasts all the way through.
It's like saying "Oh and then our great leader bought peace to our country, along with great economic growth! And... OH MY GOODNESS this random hobo's house got burnt down!"
-subjective comment: After the first line break in the first chapter, I'll just quit reading right there. It's just as plain as day that "Oh the world is to be in peril. The world is in need of the Legendary Beast Riders once more. There are 3 fanatics who just happen to idolize Suicune, Raikou and Entei. 1+1=2." I think that I just got half of the story right there... When something like this happens, personally there's no more incentive to read on forward.
he thought would get him a Ph. D.
I have no idea what happened to the verb tenses there... we got all 3 tense at the same time o.o;
doing nothing but testing mankind by letting certain individuals get close.
if this is a quoting out of extensive researches, then the tone should be a lot more professional. The rest of that dialogue is fine, but this sentence doesn't fit in.
-the retelling of the legend of the two towers is certainly tedious and repetitive. We just heard the identical story from the prologue. The Great Pokemon War suffers the same problem. Because of this problem, the entire chapter 1 is completely useless besides character introduction, which isn't much of anything. (and Chapter 2 is simply reinforcing what is being hinted in chapter 1, making Chapter 2 also useless besides hearing the somewhat-detailed plans of the incoming invasion, which we also know about)
-perhaps a loophole in the story. The 'rebels' are boxed in on the east of Johto, but the war is between the Ecruteak area and the Goldenrod area. So the rebels have to be forced out of their city (whichever that is) in order to be boxed within Eastern Johto... doesn't make much sense to me, unless Goldenrod/Ecruteak is treated as "Eastern Johto."
-again, funny things are happening. The 3 warriors are able to end the great war and defeating both armies, yet they failed to defeat the remnants of the defeated army. Logic doesn't seem to be working too well here... On top of that, how do you have a skirmish with an army inside a tower? Hide behind different windows to ambush the guy in the hallway? O.o; Maybe you're thinking of "ambush"... then this will make more sense.
-comment: why not link to bluelaguna where they got the mp3 version, and not crappy crappy midis...
-Legendary Hunters are also a bit cheesy... the organization existed for many centuries, and pretty much did nothing. However, the last 20 years it suddenly woke up from its "nap" and started planning for mass invasions. For an "evil organization" that existed for centuries but did absolutely nothing to suddenly act now... just really confuses me.
-the fact that the 4 Teams of Cipher, Magma, Aqua and Rocket originate from this syndicate is pretty important, seeing how these organizations play an important role in the Pokemon world as the "bad guys." However, this is just explained with one line in the story. Isn't this terribly rushed for such an important fact?
-OOC for Maxie and Archie to exist in the same room, to "calmly" talk over a matter together...
-always avoid listing details. It puts an abrupt stop in the plot, and it'll surely bore your readers. Always mix in these details along with some action so the story doesn't seem to come to a complete halt. As well, you should consider distributing the details, instead of listing everything out immediately, at the same time. It's really boring to read a whole paragraph of "These are the Pokemo _____ has: first it is Pikachu, a yellow mouse Pokemon that can use electric attacks. Next is a Squirtle, a water type who can hide in its shells to..." You get the point.
-details are generally missing. Plot rushes by, and the story is clogged with dialogues... I'm pretty sure that 90% of all paragraphs, with the exception of the historical scenes, begin with a dialogue. Slow down the pace with some descriptions of what is going on, as well as character description. Right now, we know nothing about these characters besides that they're obsessed with the Beast that they're certain to capture in the future, and that they're Pokemon history-fanatics. Characters like this are rather limited and uninteresting...
-watch out if you're being clear regarding pronouns... for example: "this is..." this what? what's "this?" This fanfic commits this error once in awhile.
-ok, the dreams... same problem. They're really rushed. They lack any form of content except that they meet their respective Legendary Beast in the dream.
This fanfic is rather general. It doesn't have a specific good point, but it doesn't suffer a specific weakness either. This fanfic needs a general overall improvement in terms of descriptions and details. Everything so far is very focused on plot along with the background history, and nothing else. We don't know much about the setting, the protagonist, the antagonist or any reasons to why all of this is happening.
I'll suggest you to focus on adding in physical descriptions first, then we'll work on emotional development. We'll cast out tone, diction and theme to the side for now. By adding in descriptions, the pace should slow down a bit by itself.
Title: 2/5
Grammar/Coherence: 13/15
Characterization: 7/20
Story Structure: 6/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 5/15
Diction: 10/20
Effort/Originality: 7/10
Lit. Device bonus: +0
total: 50
Feel free to debate against me if you think that this mark is an unfair call. As long as you can support your own marks, you can always ask for mark refunds.
EDIT: As for HMW, well it's very obvious that the author is writing about herself in the scene Mariah is talking with the anime producer. However, that's rather subjective, as it's entirely possible if someone else is going through the same experience. It's rather that it's not provoking any form of thinking, even though that's what it is trying to do. Even Mariah herself isn't doing much thinking because of this chat either, as shown by the narration.
As for story "morals," I won't call it morals. Morals only come from parables and so on... Stories have themes, which aren't necessary a teaching regarding what to do and what not to do. Sometimes, a theme is only a reflective line about human nature and the society. Not necessarily does it have to teach anyone about anything. A theme can always insult the society that it is corrupt to the core, yet offers no solution to the problem (unlike that of a moral.) Personally, I shrug at this part of writing. Yes it's one of the most important elements of writing, but this is something even professional writers suffer at.
This is what makes an author famous or not ^^ Arthur Miller (my favorite playwright)'s Death of a Salesman has the worst physical plotline ever. It's the deep symbolism and the powerful themes that make this play such an enjoyable read. The characters are very descriptive, but the description is always hidden besides physical description in the stage direction. If even professional authors are suffering over this problem, I won't expect it out of fanfic writers. Rather, theme counts as one of the possible bonus marks for me.
