Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,246
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
Welcome back Phantom Mew to the fanfic lounge =p If you want, you can always send in a fanfic review to me ;p
@ Paint Me a Picture, LilyPichu
Title- 5/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich?
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
-title is certainly unique to this story only
-title is symbolic, with the motif included as part of the title
Narrative Manner- 4/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
-this one is rather hard to decide. Right now it's a 3rd person omniscient. What it succeeds in achieving is that readers know what the old painter is thinking about, and those short lines are one of the only four details we will ever get about the story setting.
-On the other hand, if 1st person narrative is used with Ash's point of view, then the story can be further enhanced in terms of its emotional state. The pain and the gladness of Ash will be viewed on a personal level instead. Either way, it has its pros and cons.
Grammar/Coherence- 8/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
-I don't think rubble can be plural. It already suggests that as part of its definition.
Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
-don't think this fanfic has enough length to make any characters multi-faceted, so let's ignore that part of the criteria
-great hidden character descriptions! Though the story hardly tells us much of anything about Ash directly (only a mysterious rage and anger against Pokemon), we actually know quite a bit about him in the denouement. We know exactly how he feels from the hesitative diction. The fact that he added himself and Pikachu after his initial thought of just painting his mother is quite informative. Again, Ash finding his own house within the painting for the setting of his drawing is symbolic once more about his character and his outlook on his future.
-although we know a lot about his past, his views and thoughts, we don't know enough about Ash regarding his current state. If we know for certain where he lives (which is very important for this story,) then there's a lot more to this character than now.
-the only other comment I have for improvement is how he described his mother and his 10 year old self to the old painter. It'll be even more powerful if Ash gave the old painter an old photograph on top of the memories.
Minor Character(s)- 4/5
5 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
4 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
3 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
2 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
-the old painter is the only other character in this fanfic. He contributes to setting more than the details about the rubble. In a way, one can argue that he is the foil to Ash though, but I doubt that there's enough details to do that unless Ash continues to live in Pallet Town ruins and doesn't have a job. But either way, the old painter contributes greatly to theme and setting, but could have done better to contribute to character (Ash.)
Story Details- 9/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
-verisimilitude is hardly a problem
-many details seem to be specifically chosen in order to point towards the common theme and Ash's dream. They are highly revealing and are relevant for the story.
-the only other missing detail is probably the sky. Most aspects of the painting is contrasted by parts of the setting, yet the sky and the sunlight are left out. We see the foil between the houses and the rebels, and the wild woods and the green plants. However, the sky and the sunlight got no such comparison. This is probably the only missing detail for the setting.
Conflict- 5/5
5 ?Man vs. Self? is present, with other conflicts, ?good and evil? cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, ?good and evil? are questionable
3 ?Man vs. Man? along other conflicts, good and evil are obvious
2 ?Man vs. Man? only, good and evil are obvious
1 ?Man vs. Man? only, ending is highly predictable
-"man vs self" conflict. It's hard to judge if Ash is doing the right thing or not. Though we know that Ash is not going on a good path by refusing to face reality, we can't help but be sympathic to him. This sympathy makes it difficult to judge rather Ash is a innocent or pathetic person.
Diction/Tone- 14/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
-excellent choice of colors to describe the painting. The dreamy picture succeeds in creating a sharp contrast with the reality that Ash lives in today. "watery" and "splay" are by far the most moving words within that paragraph.
-almost all the time there's something to be discovered by the awkward choice of words.
-all words suggest either of two tones, and the two tones are the two different setting. One is cruel yet real, while the other one is pleasant and dreamy. Tone is well portraited in this story.
-the only word that I failed to interpret is this one:
Story Structure- 15/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
-good exposition makes the story interesting and eyecatching for the readers to read on forward
-most sentences succeed in putting the most important ideas at the end of the sentence, emphasizing these important ideas
-all parts of the story are structured purposely to point towards the common theme. Story structure is a great success in contributing to all 5 story components.
Effort- 8/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author?s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
-some of the grammar mistakes should be very easy to find out. For a skilled writer who has been writing for awhile already, 3 grammar mistakes for this short piece may suggest that you should reread once more before posting.
Literal Device Bonus- + 5/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols 3/3, Theme 2/3)
Total: 95/100 {Standard of Excellence}
-replaces "A Light Kiss" in the standard of excellence board
Another excellent and meaningful Pokemon short story by Lily. Personally, this is probably my favorite fanfic from you.
@ Paint Me a Picture, LilyPichu
Title- 5/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich?
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
-title is certainly unique to this story only
-title is symbolic, with the motif included as part of the title
Narrative Manner- 4/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
-this one is rather hard to decide. Right now it's a 3rd person omniscient. What it succeeds in achieving is that readers know what the old painter is thinking about, and those short lines are one of the only four details we will ever get about the story setting.
-On the other hand, if 1st person narrative is used with Ash's point of view, then the story can be further enhanced in terms of its emotional state. The pain and the gladness of Ash will be viewed on a personal level instead. Either way, it has its pros and cons.
Grammar/Coherence- 8/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
You probably want to use "a" instead of "the" here.
2 verbs in one sentence? I think we know what's the problem here.
-I don't think rubble can be plural. It already suggests that as part of its definition.
Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
-don't think this fanfic has enough length to make any characters multi-faceted, so let's ignore that part of the criteria
-great hidden character descriptions! Though the story hardly tells us much of anything about Ash directly (only a mysterious rage and anger against Pokemon), we actually know quite a bit about him in the denouement. We know exactly how he feels from the hesitative diction. The fact that he added himself and Pikachu after his initial thought of just painting his mother is quite informative. Again, Ash finding his own house within the painting for the setting of his drawing is symbolic once more about his character and his outlook on his future.
-although we know a lot about his past, his views and thoughts, we don't know enough about Ash regarding his current state. If we know for certain where he lives (which is very important for this story,) then there's a lot more to this character than now.
-the only other comment I have for improvement is how he described his mother and his 10 year old self to the old painter. It'll be even more powerful if Ash gave the old painter an old photograph on top of the memories.
Minor Character(s)- 4/5
5 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
4 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
3 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
2 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
-the old painter is the only other character in this fanfic. He contributes to setting more than the details about the rubble. In a way, one can argue that he is the foil to Ash though, but I doubt that there's enough details to do that unless Ash continues to live in Pallet Town ruins and doesn't have a job. But either way, the old painter contributes greatly to theme and setting, but could have done better to contribute to character (Ash.)
Story Details- 9/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
-verisimilitude is hardly a problem
-many details seem to be specifically chosen in order to point towards the common theme and Ash's dream. They are highly revealing and are relevant for the story.
-the only other missing detail is probably the sky. Most aspects of the painting is contrasted by parts of the setting, yet the sky and the sunlight are left out. We see the foil between the houses and the rebels, and the wild woods and the green plants. However, the sky and the sunlight got no such comparison. This is probably the only missing detail for the setting.
Conflict- 5/5
5 ?Man vs. Self? is present, with other conflicts, ?good and evil? cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, ?good and evil? are questionable
3 ?Man vs. Man? along other conflicts, good and evil are obvious
2 ?Man vs. Man? only, good and evil are obvious
1 ?Man vs. Man? only, ending is highly predictable
-"man vs self" conflict. It's hard to judge if Ash is doing the right thing or not. Though we know that Ash is not going on a good path by refusing to face reality, we can't help but be sympathic to him. This sympathy makes it difficult to judge rather Ash is a innocent or pathetic person.
Diction/Tone- 14/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
-excellent choice of colors to describe the painting. The dreamy picture succeeds in creating a sharp contrast with the reality that Ash lives in today. "watery" and "splay" are by far the most moving words within that paragraph.
-almost all the time there's something to be discovered by the awkward choice of words.
-all words suggest either of two tones, and the two tones are the two different setting. One is cruel yet real, while the other one is pleasant and dreamy. Tone is well portraited in this story.
-the only word that I failed to interpret is this one:
I don't understand why Ash will first address his mother as a girl. Even when Ash is young, his mother never appears as a "girl" figure. I don't see any reason to use "girl" here.
Story Structure- 15/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
-good exposition makes the story interesting and eyecatching for the readers to read on forward
-most sentences succeed in putting the most important ideas at the end of the sentence, emphasizing these important ideas
-all parts of the story are structured purposely to point towards the common theme. Story structure is a great success in contributing to all 5 story components.
Effort- 8/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author?s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
-some of the grammar mistakes should be very easy to find out. For a skilled writer who has been writing for awhile already, 3 grammar mistakes for this short piece may suggest that you should reread once more before posting.
Literal Device Bonus- + 5/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols 3/3, Theme 2/3)
Total: 95/100 {Standard of Excellence}
-replaces "A Light Kiss" in the standard of excellence board
Another excellent and meaningful Pokemon short story by Lily. Personally, this is probably my favorite fanfic from you.
