Name: Ardor Arkwright
Like I said, he's probably gonna get bullied for the name. Just something to keep in mind if we actually accept him.
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Element: Metal
Spells:
King's Shield- Allows Ardor to create a wall of metal in front of him but takes a lot of energy to do so and it can only last a few minutes at a time.
This spell is overall okay, but it's really lackadaisical. There's no creativity to it whatsoever, and painfully basic. How does he expect to protect himself if he wastes 80% of his energy on one extremely simple spell?
Rightful King- It covers Ardor's hands with a thin but powerful piece of armor.
We have no idea where you're going with this. Is it supposed to be a pair of metal gloves? Also, for the most part, we use real life physics; thin≠powerful. If he hits anything with it, it will probably break.
Appearance: Ardor is almost always wearing a full length trench coat that is zipped up all the way but he still able to run in it.
Right off the bat, you're telling us he's a massive tool. Underneath the trench coat, on the few occasions that he takes it off, there's a long-sleeved black shirt, black jeans and boots.
So he's a scene tool that somehow doesn't burn to a crisp in the summer. If he ever decides not to wear his trench coat he always wears a hoodie with a griffin on the front.
Tool~.He is a very strong guy being able to carry over 200 pounds of weight, he weighs 170 pounds and is 5' 9'' tall with long dark brown hair that reaches his lower back
This conflicts with literally everything in his history. For a bullied, emo, "socially awkward" tool, how is he possibly capable of lifting anything near his own weight, and especially anything over it?. Ardor also has a mask, his favorite one is a mask is a mask
is a mask is a mask is a mask, it goes on and on AND ON AND ON. STRANGERS, WAITING, UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD~. SHADOWS, SEARCHIN' IN THE NIIIIIGHT that looks like Rorschach's from the Watchmen
Lame and has no reason whatsoever to exist., that he wears everyday because of a philosophy
You clearly have "philosophy" and "opinion" confused. that he was taught by his step father
Where the hell did HE come from? which was nobody wants to see his face but underneath that mask he has an eye patch over his left eye and a scar going from the upper right hand corner of his face going down to the lower left hand corner.
Overall, the appearance is practically the poster boy for the crappiest melodramatic TV show on the planet. I want to kick his ass!
Personality: Ardor can be very nice if you get to know him. He's socially awkward and prefers to be by himself rather than hanging out with other people. He finds some human emotions baffling such as love and greed.
Why does he not understand? You are most likely to find him in his room if there are too many people around places he likes to hide.
What? He can be shy if someone comes up to talk to him but he will get nicer if you persist in talking to him.
We repeat: What? He also likes to keep his friends safe and if you are one of them, he will defend you with his entire being.
How does ANY of this possibly work? It's incoherent. He doesn't understand "human emotions", but he's a capricious loner (which I completely hate, by the way) with these very emotions POURING from every orifice ad nauseum. Shyness for no reason, obsession and love for other people for no reason. Is he supposed to be autistic or overly expressive?
History: Ardor has had a fairly good life. As we grew up he did get bullied a lot
Why was he bullied? and one day he was building a set for his school's play a nail slipped and impaled his eye and from then on he wore the mask and coat.
Crappy melodrama poster boy here! MTV, that's your cue! When he was nine his grandfather died and his dad became an abusive drunk.
Just no. His mom ended up leaving with him and they moved to a far away city where then he discovered his powers.
Where, exactly, did they go? Location gives a character culture. He has none. One day as he walked through a construction site small pieces of metal reacted to him and he learned to make the shield
What shield? You only mention a wall in his spells. but his mother didn't like it and sent him to foster care where his foster family took good care of him
, Why would she send him somewhere NICE instead of report him to the authorities or some BS that gets him abused even MORE? and there was a mancer who taught him how to use his powers.
How convenient! During his time there, his sister
Where the hell did SHE come from? had to protect him because he had anger issues and if he got mad, he would kill.
Great life ya got going on here! He then got so dependent on his sister to the point that he cannot talk to other people.
That's not dependency. That's BS. During one incident his sister was killed in a car accident and Ardor shut himself away from the world. His parents and his one best friend
How does he have a best friend? Or parents? Do you mean his FOSTER parents? tried to coax him out of his isolation but with no avail. One day he got the letter to go to Vale Academy
Did you even bother reading the title of the RP? and he went as a hope to cure himself of his social awkwardness.
What?
I'll list it all out:
- Bullied constantly.
- Got a nail in his eyeball that inexplicably scarred his entire face.
- His dad turned into an abusive drunk because his grandfather died, as if there were any worse reasons to turn into a jerkass alcoholic, and he has a stepfather that was mentioned once in the APPEARANCE and never popped up again.
- He had anger issues for literally no reason whatsoever.
- He has a sister that was never mentioned until AFTER he gets sent to a foster home, and apparently she keeps him from KILLING PEOPLE WITH A SHIELD.
- His sorry excuse of a sister never tried to deal with those alleged bullies before. Maybe SHE was bullying him for being such a capricious loner! I don't know! You never said anything! Maybe she jumped in front of the car to get away from him! I would.
- And now he wants to "cure" his alleged "social awkwardness" in a school where students regularly kill each other while training their extremely powerful magical abilities. Great idea, champ. You're sure to be free of bullies there with your trench coat and mask.
Overall, nothing connects properly. Nothing is thoroughly thought-out or considered. It's like you threw in every possible thing you could think of to make it as pathetic as possible (which makes me hate the crap out of him) except the kitchen sink falling on Ardor's mother's head and killing her before his birth, forcing doctors to give her a C-section five weeks before his due date to save his life, all without actually putting two and two together.
Spells: Rightful King: I don't understand where you were going with this spell. It's very inconsistent in that a thin piece of metal is not powerful. Remember, the magic is this universe is still based on realistic physics, so thin =/= power.
Appearance: I really hate getting ahead of myself, but after reading Ardor's history and appearance, I think I know why he was bullied. Trench coats aren't exactly normal, and I can't help but think that Ardor's bullies thought something really negative about Ardor wearing one. Now, on to something that actually matters (but seriously, trench coats make people look like jerks, so please reconsider), Ardor's specs don't match up with his physicality. There must be a clear, logical reason as to why he is so strong. Also, the face disfigurement, the mask (partly), and the grandfather's "philosophy (which is never even explained)" just don't really fit once you see our suggestions on the history.
Personality: First and foremost, why does he not understand human emotions? I know you mention that he's socially awkward, but even that doesn't really explain an inability to understand human emotion, especially something as simple as greed. Also, how is it that Ardor displays an emotion that he can not fathom (ie: love, since he shows a type of love towards his friends)? There's just a lot of inconsistency here, and it makes me wonder what you really wanted for your character…
History: Well, the history is definitely the area that needs the most changing. Once again, there's a lot of inconsistency in the history. Literally, you start off with either a sarcastic comment or just a complete lie. I mean, you say Ardor was happy, but he was constantly bullied, got a nail through his eye (which is silly to begin with), his father miraculously became an abusive drunk, and his sister died in a car wreck. Please don't attempt to justify these melodramatic statements, it'd be easier to just change them and actually develop the character instead of tossing a lot of dramatic problems and passing them off as happy. Oh, and why is his sister only mentioned towards the very end of his history? Wouldn't it make sense for his family members to be mentioned way before their death (also applies to his "one best friend")? You mention he has anger issues, but why isn't it mentioned in the personality? If Ardor wants to cure his "social awkwardness," then why is he going to a school specialized in magic and not going to some sort of psychologist? I'm really at a loss as to what your goals are in designing Ardor, but it doesn't seem like he's been properly thought out.
