View Full Version : this is my veary first poetry

June 16th, 2004, 7:36 PM
this is my veary first poetry so plz tell me how it is

would you care

would you care if i die
would i care if you die
if you died tomorrow would any one care
would any one come to your funeral
would they come to get out of the day
or because they care
would you care if i die
would any one care

plz tell me if you like it

June 16th, 2004, 7:49 PM
Hmm, not bad ^_^ I juzt have a zmall zuggeztion.
do they come to get out of the day or come cause they care

You may want to change "cause" into "because" and take out the zecond come, oh, and maybe change "do" into "would". I know it dosn't seem like a big deal, and it isn't but small things like that just make it seem like there iz more thought behind the poem ^_~ Lol, they're juzt little optionz that in my opinion would zound better, but it'z your poem and your opinion iz the only one that matterz.

It'z very dark, zeemz like alot of peomz are. But there'z nothing wrong with that. Many people write and read poemz when they feel deprezzed and they're good for reliving ztrezz or relating to another perzonz' problemz.

It'z quite good, ezpecialy for a firzt try! Keep it up! Poetry iz a great thing to get into and you can only get better ^__^

oni flygon
June 16th, 2004, 7:50 PM
It looks great! Your meter seems to be pretty good.

do they come to get out of the day or come cause they care

This line is too long. Maybe you can make it two lines?

June 16th, 2004, 8:25 PM
thx for your help i had it written down some were i just cant find it now
and the real one is much better

June 16th, 2004, 8:29 PM
Lol, that happend to me the other day. I had a great idea for a poem and wrote it down but I lozt it *_* Now I don't remember any of it except the bazic idea -_- But oh well.

Hopefully you'll have more pozted zoon, I'd love to zee what elze you can think of^__^

June 17th, 2004, 6:35 AM
it will tack me some time to think of some more but i will but them on this thread

July 17th, 2004, 3:12 PM
sorry for posting 2 time but i thonght of a nother one

darkness is power
darkness is strangth sp)
darkness will help you
and darkness gides you

it is not much of a poem but i think it is nice

July 19th, 2004, 2:26 PM
That last one is interesting. Sounds perfect for a poetic motto of a villain.

July 20th, 2004, 1:04 PM
it dose i never saw it that way thou