Master Kainushi - [PG-14+]

Please note. This is not as much a fanfict per se as it is a new take on the pokemon universe. It is meant to be a bit darker, grittier, and more true-to-life. As such there may be some debate over whether it actually belongs in a pokemon fanfiction forum. I will let the community decide that, and should this story be ill-received I will happily move on.

Also be aware, this story contains some graphic context. Pokemon battles are and will be represented with more color than the television show, movies and video games portray.

That being said, I hope you enjoy my opus.

Master Kainushi: The Path of Junko Ochi
Chapter 1
=-=-=-=-=

Junko Ochi stepped up to the entrance of the bar called Black Symmetry and took a deep breath. The loud noises of drunks and ne'er-do-wells inside reached her even through the closed doors, censoring nothing to accommodate her sheltered upbringing. Obscenities entered her ears without apparent purpose or context, strung together one after the next as if somehow they formed a language unto themselves and needed no supporting articles or subjects to give them real meaning.

Pushing the heavy doors open did nothing to further her understanding of the harsh tones. Instead she found herself even more shocked by the sight of the crowds that she had barely been able to accept just seconds earlier as mere stray sounds. These people were like none she had ever encountered before. The men dressed with a blind eye to personal appearance, wearing numerous articles of clothing in dire need of patching with no regard for color coordination. The women barely dressed at all.

It wasn't simply their attire that shocked Junko, it was their behavior. In any direction she looked she saw one person shoving another, not in a violent way, but in a manner that seemed to serve much as a handshake would in a civilized room. Young women hung on the arms of men twice their age, while slyly angling their exposed cleavage for better viewing by anyone who cared to look.

Doing her best not to seem out of place in this alien setting, Junko took to ignoring the people around her for the time being and made her way to the bar counter. As usual when she was nervous her hand dropped to stroke the set of pokéballs affixed to her belt.

The bartender made eye contact briefly, then returned his gaze to the glass he was polishing, uninterested in the young new customer.

"Excuse me?" Junko said, trying her best to sound tough.

The bartender looked up to meet her gaze again. This time instead of immediately turning away he let his eyes travel over her, sizing her up from the top down. He found nothing to hold his attention in her young face- her short red hair, button nose and fair skin apparently too innocent for his liking- and continued on. But her chest did nothing for him either, lacking the distinguished curves of the other women in attendance. His sight continued over her flat stomach, and froze immediately at the set of three pokéballs fastened at her waist, her right hand still palming the central sphere.

"Kid," he spoke slowly. "I can tell you right now, you don't want to be in here with those things."

Junko shrugged off his comment. "I'm looking for Kainushi."

"I'm just going to say it one more time." The bartender's eyes remained transfixed on her waist. "You don't want to be in here with those things. Trust me."

The young woman remained unfazed. "Where can I find Kainushi?"

The bartender shook his head, finally turning his attention back to the glass he was gripping. His free hand rose to scratch his graying goatee. "If you don't take my advice, he'll find you. Just stay right where you are."

A loud yell came from somewhere in the back of the bar. A man was shouting obnoxiously to another. "Do you think I'm weak? Do you think I don't know what I'm talking about?"

Once again the bartender's gaze returned to Junko, this time staying at eye level. "The one yelling; that's Kainushi."

Junko turned her attention to the back of the bar, trying to single out the two men who were arguing.

"You don't have the knowledge I have. You don't have the balls to face me!" Kainushi yelled. He was an impressive looking man, dressed in a black jumpsuit. Unlike the other patrons his ensemble was both clean and hole-free. His long dark hair blended into the color of the fabric almost seamlessly, and save for his pale white skin and a red rocket emblem on his back Junko felt he could have easily have been mistaken for a shadow on the wall.

The man he argued with was half his size, and seemed unable to come up with even a stutter in reply to the insults being hurled at him. It was hard to tell whether he had been responsible for instigating this fight or if he were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"You dare to flaunt your Trainer status in my face? Well how about we throw down and see whose really the bigger man?" The crowd cheered with Kainushi.

His rival puffed up his chest, seeing no other alternative but to stand strong. "Fine!" He shouted back with all his mustered strength. "Your best against my best, loser pays."

The crowd cheered again. Kainushi grinned widely. "Yeah, loser pays alright." He hissed. His hand snaked to his side and plucked a sphere from his belt as he stepped back. The crowd of anxious onlookers parted, making ample space for a battlefield between the two men. "Dodecahedron, I choose you!" he shouted, spiking the object to the floor in front of him.

A flash of light obscured Junko's vision. When it returned a boxy looking beetle the size of a large dog stood on all fours in front of the infamous Kainushi.

Undeterred the second man chose his own pokéball, throwing his up into the air instead of to the ground. "Go Tortlehorse!" he yelled. The same flash of light filled the room, and when it quelled in its place was a tough-looking winged turtle.

Kainushi laughed. "Are you kidding me? Tortlehorse?" The crowd laughed with him.

Anger spread across the face of Kainushi's competitor. "Tortlehorse, divebomb!"

Tortlehorse snarled and dove at the unprepared looking beetle which stood its ground until its enemy was nearly on top of it, then opened its mouth impossibly wide, grabbing one of the turtle's wings and tearing it off like a Kleenex from a tissue box. Tortlehorse dropped to the ground moaning in agony, it's greenish-blue blood pooling in the area beneath its missing appendage.

"Deca, finish it off."

Dodecahedron didn't hesitate. It jumped on the writhing body of its opponent, hastily ripping off chunks and gobbling them down while the strange man watched in grotesque horror.

"Alright, you win." He conceded. "You were right, I don't know a thing about training. I give up."

Kainushi chuckled, and the evil grin on his face grew wider. "Good. I knew you'd see things my way. Now, like you said, loser pays."

Not wanting another fight, the smaller man nodded. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Kainushi turned his back to the other man. "Deca, spiral attack!"

Thin black wings peeled off from the beetle's back, flapping quickly and noisily to lift the creature into the air. The crowd watched as it started to spin, spiraling on its horizontal axis. Its new prey watched in confusion, unable to understand exactly what was going on until it was too late. Dodecahedron shot forward, colliding with its master's adversary and tearing apart his midsection. This time the insect didn't wait for the second command, it began feasting immediately as the audience cheered it on.

"Now," Kainushi shouted above the roars of approval. "Who is the Pokémon Master?"

"Kai!" The bar patrons shouted over and over.

Once the bulk of the crowd quieted down one voice separated itself. It belonged to a woman somewhere behind Junko. "Kai! Kai!" She called, more like she was trying to get his attention than cheer him on.

As desired the dark figure turned his attention in her direction.

"Hey Kai!" She squealed, overly pleased to be noticed. "It looks like we have another one." Before Junko knew what was going on, the woman had moved behind her and yanked off her belt, holding the set of pokéballs up over the young girl's head.

The bartender's voice was barely audible under the clamor that followed. "I told you so."

Here's chapter two. Don't be afraid to tell me what you think- even drop me a PM.
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Master Kainushi: The Path of Junko Ochi
Chapter Two
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Both Kainushi and his pet turned towards Junko. As they stared at her she refocused her vision to meet the man's gaze head-on, knowing she could not allow herself to show weakness here. If the eyes truly are the windows to the soul this man must really have been a shadow, for Junko saw nothing in them but the reflection of the room around her.

"Is this true?" he asked, looking to the pokéballs and back to the slim young woman beneath them. "Are you a Trainer?"

"No," she denied. "But I do wish to become a Master like you."

"You lie," he shot back. "Only licensed Trainers carry red and white pokéballs."

Junko swallowed hard. She now had a good look at Kai's own belt. His pokéballs were the same dark black as the rest of his attire, the only breach in their uniformity being the central release buttons which glowed red like the pupils of an evil set of eyes. "I am not a trainer, but I do carry their colors, yes."

Kainushi scoffed. "I don't understand. You aren't a trainer but you carry their equipment. Did you kill one and steal it?" Their audience laughed at the thought of this scrawny young thing taking the life of another.

"No-" she started, but Kai would not let her finish.

"I understand why you wouldn't want to admit it. I probably wouldn't either if I were you and had just witnessed what you have. But I will say, to ease your mind, I did not kill this man simply because he was a Trainer. I killed him because he came in here with that 'only licensed Pokémon Trainers are capable of understanding the complex nature of Pokémon blah blah blah' nonsense-attitude. Tell me, how do you feel about unlicensed individuals handling your special Pokémon?"

Junko spoke through clenched teeth, not in anger, but in an attempt to conceal their nervous chattering. "Seeing as I am unlicensed and I carry one, I have no problem with it."

"Again with the lies, even when I extend some hope to you." Kai shook his head and looked to the ground. "It's sad really that you will die a coward's death. Trainers are supposed to be heroes; role models for young children and so forth." His hand crept toward his belt.

The crowd laughed and cheered, anxious to have their bloodlust satiated with the slaughter of a pretty young stranger.

"It's not a lie." Junko shouted over the noise.

"Then the pokéballs?"

"I stole them, like you said." The onlookers fell silent at these words.

Kai scoffed again. "You couldn't kill a field mouse, let alone-"

This time she interrupted him. "I didn't kill anyone. I stole them while he slept."

Kai raised an eyebrow and released a quick burst of laughter which ceased as soon as it spread to the crowd. "Of course." He mused. "Because you were so excited about having your very own cute little pet that you just couldn't wait for your daddy to drive you to get your license and starter kit in the morning. And so you snuck out of bed and stole these from one of the many Trainers sleeping down the street from your mansion. Is that it?" He paused for more laughter before continuing. "Or are you going to tell me you're as poor as those surrounding you now. Did you grow up on the streets unable to afford an education in the sciences involving Pokémon and the necessary licensing fees?"

"No, I came from a rich family, like you said, but they couldn't help me. In fact it is because of my family I can never become a Trainer. My uncle was Gorou Ochi, a poacher. When he was caught the list of crimes against Pokémon he was convicted of was so great the licensing board ruled that no member of the Ochi family will ever again be allowed to lawfully keep them. The law will not help me, nor will my family's riches. Instead I am considered a criminal for carrying these pokéballs, and have been disowned by my 'daddy.' I've come here only because I am truly desperate."

"Aw," Kainushi mused. "You poor thing, rich and yet without a squishy little friend to carry around on your belt, and yet I see by that light in the central sphere there that you do have one, so what exactly did you come here desperate for? A drink? Companionship?"

"I came here for you." Junko blurted out. "I came here to ask you to teach me."

The man took a step back. "Me?" he smiled. "Why me? Was it my renowned generosity or just my friendly smile?"

"I told you. I want to become a Pokémon Master. I can't do it on my own. I need a teacher and-"

He cut her off again. "And no reputable Master will teach you."

"No licensed Master will teach me," she corrected.

"So for lack of other options you settle for a common criminal like me."

"I'm not naïve. I know a license is just a piece of paper. You're better than all of them, even if you aren't regarded officially as a Pokémon Master. That's very probably the reason you are the best."

"Well!" Kai's smirk transformed into a gleeful grin. "You certainly are a flatterer, but I think you missed half of what I said. We can both definitely agree I'm not common, but I'm very certainly a criminal, and not just because I keep unregistered pets as you do. No, I'm a criminal because I killed a man not ten minutes ago, and many others before him, many hardly as deserving. I've killed those that simply crossed my path by mere chance, who uttered not a single insult to me, or anyone for that matter- maybe even one that came to me simply to ask for help." He cast an ominous look with the last line.

"I don't care. Serving you as apprentice is the only hope I have of finding my dream."

Kainushi raised an eyebrow. "Serving me?" He walked nearly to her and pulled out a chair, seating himself as if he were a king mounting his throne. "Well I must say; you are quite amusing. What is your name, little girl?"

"Junko Ochi."

"You both flatter and amuse me, Junko Ochi, so I will not kill you." He paused. "Not personally. I'll give you a fighting chance. Kenchi!" he called toward the back of the room.

The audience, which had grown quiet and mournful as it began to seem less and less likely they were going to get the show they wanted, brightened up again as a young man sporting a green jumpsuit and matching pokéballs separated himself from the throng.

"This is Kenchi. He is by far the worst Keeper-that's our word for unlicensed Trainer-that I have ever met; well, whom I've met and wasn't dead at the end of our encounter. If you can defeat him I'll let you live. Sound fair?"

Junko wasn't given the opportunity to agree or disagree to the challenge. Kenchi whipped a pokéball between them without hesitation. "Woodling!" he yelled after it. A short flash of light gave way to a two-foot tall walking tree.

Without thinking, the red-haired Keeper ripped her belt back from the woman who had stolen it and drew her own pet, unleashing it with a sharp flick of the wrist onto the ground before her. "Wake up, Charmander!"

The two-foot tall dinosaur materialized before her, eyeing its opponent hesitantly.

"Woodling, strangle!" Woodling's feet stretched out into long roots, wrapping themselves around Charmander's feet and working their way up its body, contracting to crush with terrible force.

"Charmander, burn that tree down," Junko countered.

Charmander opened its mouth and breathed out with all its might. A bolt of fire filled the space between the two combatants, aimed directly at Woodling's torso.

Thinking quickly, the tiny treant dove out of the way of the incoming assault, but in doing so had to loosen its grip on its prey.

"Charmander, bite those roots!" She barely needed to finish the command. Charmander's jaws separated again, grasped a thick piece of Woodling's slacking roots, and snapped closed. The tree-creature howled in pain as pieces of itself were bitten free, its sticky sap-like blood oozing from the tiny dinosaur's mouth.

"Woodling, stab that prehistoric freak!" Kenchi ordered.

It retracted what was left of its roots as best it could and changed stances, lowering its pointy head and rushing in to charge the soft midsection presented by its target.

Charmander turned to dodge, but only managed to exchange a blow to the stomach for a stab in the side. Woodling's sharp head made contact and penetrated, liberating a great deal of green blood.

"Yeah, again, again!" Kenchi cheered. But Woodling could not comply. With its roots badly torn up it could not gain leverage to yank itself out of the wounded dinosaur as it thrashed in agony.

"Now Charmander, Bite him to pieces!"

Suddenly realizing the predicament of its foe, Charmander leaned down at an awkward angle, gripping the body of the struggling piece of wood between its powerful jaws. A loud crunching filled the room as Woodling's body was chewed to pieces.

Kenchi threw another ball into the mix, retrieving his fallen pet before it could stop moving. The ball returned to him full, and he held it in his hand mournfully, hoping it wasn't too late for it to be healed back to full strength.

Kainushi stood up, clapping loudly. "Very good for a little lost rich girl. True to my word, you may leave. Nobody here will stop you." He gestured to the door.

"I'm not going anywhere." Junko stated firmly.

Kai shrugged her off. "It's your choice, but if you're going to stay I can only promise I won't hurt you. You're on your own if someone else decides they don't like you."

She looked around to the disappointed faces that surrounded her. It was a near certainty that if she stayed one of them would decide to rewrite the ill-received ending to tonight's performance.

"I mean what I said earlier."

Kainushi shook his head. "I don't think you understand. I'm not from your world. I can't teach you the things that the other Masters could. I'm from here, and you don't belong here."

Junko clenched her fist, hoping with each word she spoke she wasn't digging herself back into the grave she had just climbed out of. "I know you don't do things by the book, but I can still-"

The older man's expression turned dark. "Not by the book? Child, I'm not talking about bending a few rules, I'm talking about systematically breaking every one. I am a monster, just like everyone else you see here, and your inherited morals and ethics won't allow you to learn what I have to teach."

"You don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of."

He turned his back to her, and for a moment the girl thought all was lost. Then Kai's voice was heard again. "What I'm talking about is more serious than stealing the possessions of a sleeping man, but if you insist you are capable, I'll give you your chance. Kill Kenchi."

Something in the back of Junko's mind pulled at her, begging her to stop or at least hesitate, but she knew she had to be quick if she were to succeed. "Charmander!" she screamed. "Torch Kenchi!" She extended her arm, pointing boldly to the young soul she had just been commanded to slay.

Charmander looked to the boy, then back to its master quickly, trying to make sense of the outrageous new order.

Kenchi wasn't as ignorant as the man Kai had faced. He knew what was about to happen and was prepared. His hand flew swiftly to his side, gripping a new pokéball from his arsenal.

The threatening move jarred Charmander into making a decision. It responded quickly, spraying the new target with flame. The pokéball dropped onto the center of the floor and released its contents, a blue dog-like creature, too late.

The new entry took a long look at the scorched body of its master on the floor, then at the crowd around it trying to ascertain exactly what it was supposed to be doing now free of its confinement. Finding no immediate answer, it returned to the corpse of its master and began to feed.

Junko summoned Charmander back into his ball, and looked over to see Kai had turned to face her again. "Well?" She asked.

The conversation remained on hold while bartender came around from his post to examine the situation. Grumbling loudly he lifted Kenchi by his arms and dragged him into the back room, his pet following and grabbing chunks of fresh meat along the way.

"Well what?"

"Will you teach me?" Junko looked to Kainushi with hope in her eyes. She was ashamed of what she had just done, but she was prepared to make any sacrifice to become a Pokémon Master- even her humanity.

"I can not teach you."

Tears began to well up in the young woman's eyes. "But you just made me-"

"And look at you. You are not a monster, Junko Ochi. If I teach you, you will become one."

"I don't care," she shouted back, the tears bursting from her eyes to race down her fair cheeks.

"Your Pokémon will become monsters too."

"They are what they are."

"I will take no pleasure in turning you into a monster, Junko. You are better off to go."

Her teeth clenched once more, this time in fury. She had not come this far, risked her life and taken another just to be sent away. "I won't be better off. I've never wanted anything more than this. I don't care what it costs. What can I do to convince you? I will do anything, Master Kainushi. I will do anything for this chance!"

When Kainushi spoke again, the smirk had returned to his face. "Anything?" he repeated.

Master Kainushi: The Path of Junko Ochi
Chapter Three
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The tears continued to fall from Junko's eyes as she confirmed the man's query. "Yes," she spoke meekly, only now afraid of its meaning as Kainushi studied her with renewed interest.

He took his seat again and looked over at her, his eyes sizing her up methodically. "Shall we put that to the test?" he asked, his tone darkly detached.

Junko didn't answer. Instead she remained still, letting the man continue his visual examination. At first she simply thought he was judging her resolve, but soon his demeanor began to hint at something else, as if he wasn't seeing the girl as she stood before him, but as she might look at his bedside. Self consciously the young Keeper clutched herself tightly, one hand gripping the snap-fastenings of her blue denim jacket, the other holding onto the waistband of her matching jeans.

"Come closer," he spoke finally.

The young redhead did as she was told, positioning herself immediately in front of the seated Pokémon Master.

Kai held out his hand. "Give me your belt."

Hesitantly Junko turned over her belt, the set of pokéballs still attached. As her last finger broke contact with the leather she felt a sudden pang of loss deep in her heart. She had suspected Kai would demand a sacrifice, but somehow she never considered that it might be her pet that paid the price.

"This is a start," he said in the same detached tone, setting the belt and pokéballs on the table next to him. "Now give me your boots."

Junko fought the urge to hesitate and question the man's intentions, even if only in her mind. Her boots weren't worth as much as her dreams, although they were worth quite a bit monetarily. She squatted down, quickly loosening the laces of her footwear. In less than a minute she rose again, the boots in hand. Kai took them and placed them next to her belt.

The man took only a quick glance at the knee socks now revealed before returning to his survey of the girl's slender form. "Are you cold?" he asked next.

Junko suddenly became aware that she was trembling, but it had nothing to do with the temperature of the room. She shook her head.

"Good. Give me your socks."

She opened her mouth to protest, but Kai jerked his hand out again and the look on his face told her he wouldn't tolerate being kept waiting. She peeled off her socks, handing them over. The concrete floor was as cold as ice to her now bare feet.

Kai added her socks to the pile and once more returned his icy gaze. "Give me your jacket."

Taking a deep breath, Junko opened her jacket and began sliding it back over her arms. She was now reminded of the large crowd that surrounded her. The eyes of every man on the bar were glued to her torso, watching eagerly as she exposed her clinging tank-top. Every inch of newly exposed skin felt the sting of foreign eyes, and even though she was no less dressed than if she were taking a stroll in the park on a warm summer's day she still felt practically naked. She handed over her jacket only to see it stacked on top of her other articles of lost clothing. "What do you want from me?" she finally asked.

"Obedience," he answered vaguely, "and your pants." He held out his hand in the now familiar gesture.

Unsure of what other option she had, Junko unfastened her jeans, bending down as she slid them off her pale slender legs. Now the men were watching her hungrily. Even the women seemed to find the sight of the innocent young redhead stripped down to her undershirt and electric-mouse-print panties provocative. Quiet voices reached her ears from multiple sources around her, commenting on the smoothness of her clean skin, the cute heart-shape of her rear end, or the potential of the parts of her body now only hidden by a single layer of thin fabric. She reached out to hand over the newly liberated pants, but Kai did not take them.

Instead he grabbed her wrist, pulling Junko to his side. It startled her enough that she dropped the garment, but it was clear now this man was not interested in obtaining it. His black eyes renewed their exploration of her body, savoring the firm flesh of her naked legs, and the slight curve of her cotton wrapped bust.

He let go of her, and she straightened herself to full height. "Do you like the way these people gawk at you, Junko Ochi? Do you like the way they savor every moment of your humiliation?" He gestured to the crowd behind her.

Junko snuck a glance over her shoulder and immediately regretted it. She had expected the lust-filled expressions worn by those men, but their depravity didn't end there. Most of the men were fondling themselves one way or another, some even so bold as to have removed themselves from their drawers, pleasuring themselves unobscured to the vision of innocence that stood half-naked in front of them. Before she could look away a tall, skinny blond woman dressed in an outfit that covered only the most private parts of her anatomy caught her eye. She too was working her hand between her legs, her slender fingers diving eagerly beneath the scarce fabric of her attire. The woman realized she had been noticed and winked to Junko, adding to the young woman's disgust when she freed her busy hand to blow the young vision a kiss.

Kainushi's hand on her leg brought the redhead's attention back to in front of her. He stroked her outer thigh gingerly at first using only the backs of his fingertips, then graduated to using his full hand, watching himself lazily as his palm glided up and down her smooth skin.

"I can not teach you as you are. If I am to make you into what you desire, first I must take away your innocence."

With what you already said in the text before the chapter started, I think I'll be interested. :D

Chapter 1:

"Kid," he spoke slowly. "I can tell you right now, you don't want to be in here with those things."

Click to expand...

There should be a comma after "slowly", not period, since you're continuing the sentence from "kid" I believe.

Once again the bartender's gaze returned to Junko, this time staying at eye level. "The one yelling; that's Kainushi."

Click to expand...

The semi-colon would work better as a comma or dash or something.

"Fine!" He shouted back with all his mustered strength. "Your best against my best, loser pays."

Click to expand...

"He" shouldn't be capitalized.

"Alright, you win." He conceded. "You were right, I don't know a thing about training. I give up."

Click to expand...

Should be:

"Alright, you win," he conceded.

You do this a few times throughout the chapter, but the way above is the correct way of doing it. XP

Anyway, I really liked the description in this--I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. The plot seems interesting so far, and it's nice to see a different take on the pokemon world in fics. Poor man got killed though, rofl.. I'm sure there'll be more of that. xP

Question, though: why do you capitalize trainer?

Chapter 2:

Huh. So Junko (that's an interesting name btw) can't keep pokemon at all because of something her family did? That's new. Usually I don't like the main characters having rich families (since most things authors do with them are cliché) but you pulled this off quite nicely. ;D

Junko's so.. Stubborn. I would have left the second Kainushi commanded her to kill Kenchi. XD Well, she must be really desperate. I can't wait to see what Kainushi makes her do.. Well, I don't have to wait, cuz I'm reading it right after this. Personally I don't think she could ever turn into a monster; you did a good job with showing that there's no real monster in her.

He paused for more laughter before continuing. "Or are you going to tell me you're as poor as those surrounding you now.

Click to expand...

Should be a question mark at the end, ya?

"Well I must say; you are quite amusing. What is your name, little girl?"

Click to expand...

Semi-colon would work better as a comma.

Chapter 3:

I didn't see anything grammar-wise here. So, good job on that.

Kainushi is evilll. XP Junko must be really desperate for this. I'm pretty sure what happens next… though, will Junko go through with it? Evil cliffhanger ending. The description was also well done in this chapter too. You sure this is just PG-14 though?

Not much else to say about this chapter since all that really happened was her, uh, listening to Kainushi's commands, so.. I'll be waiting for chapter 4. :D

Are the pokemon used by Kainushi and that other guy you got from 5th generation or are they your own ideas?

Seeing as the fifth generation hasn't even been announced yet, let alone released, to my knowledge, they are Pokegal's original Pokemon.

*takes deep breath*

WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WROTE THIS?!?!?

Alright, alright, I can understand wanting a 'darker' look at the Pokemon universe, but what you've just done has basically turned this into something that isn't Pokemon. You say your battles are more "true to life". Let me fill you in on someting about making things true to life: gorier does not necessarily mean better. In fact, in this case, it detracts from the more interesting aspects of your story: unlicensed trainers who walk on the edge, a girl with a dream she can't follow, and a man who acts like a complete monster. The thing is, the gore is overkill. Let me explain why.

When writing a fanfic, one of the biggest things you need to remember is that the universe you are writing in has strict rules laid down by the original writer(s). They may be bent in some areas, but generally they are never broken. One of the biggest rules about Pokemon in general is that Pokemon do not fight to kill each other. Pokemon aren't portrayed in the anime or games, the two main sources of canon, as wild creatures hell-bent on eating each other, beasts without minds of their own or personalities who do nothing but kill and eat each other. They are portrayed as fighters, striving to do their best and defeat each other to become the strongest. As far as that goes, Pokemon are more like professional boxers or wrestlers then anything else. They'll fight each other and hurt each other, but they won't generally kill unless they're in danger or they're evil to the core. You've got them eating their own master's dead corpse without a trace of remorse. Honestly, isn't that going a little too far?

Then you've got Kanushi, who is the worst example of overkill in his story. Yes, he's big and bad, but isn't having him kill a dude he has a grudge against just a little too over the top, especially over a trivial thing like the outcome of a Pokemon battle? And what about the other trainer's reaction to watcing Tortlehorse get eaten alive? He seems more concerned that he lost then he is that his Pokemon's been eaten alive, making him completely unrealistic. Humans are depraved, nasty people in general but I sincerely doubt anyone who likes Pokemon enough to make them his life's work would watch the death of one he's captured or had, possibly for a long time, and say nothing but "Alright, you're the better trainer". If you must have Pokemon eating each other alive, give people more of a reaction then that! A simple "You @&#^%#*(, you killed my Pokemon!" or something along those lines would have sufficed. But moving back to Kanushi. You seem determined to convince us that he's almost completely devoid of morals as far as Pokemon training goes, but may I remind you that there are ways to show people as being brutal and over-the-top without turning them into murderers? Since Kanushi is a central character, you probably don't want to dehumanize him to the degree you've just done. Anyway, I doubt anyone who tells his Pokemon to rip people in half is going to be that concerned about turning a girl into a monster. A more appropriate objection the way he's characterized now would be to have him think that the whole thing is too much trouble.

Finally, the Pokemon themselves in this story are basically robots. They do what master says, without question for the most part. Thus far, Charmander is the only one with a hint of personality. Everyone else has mindless beasts, which brings us to another rule of Pokemon canon: Pokemon always function better as individuals then as machines. A Pokemon that has its own mind can think for itself, rationalize, and interact with others to work as a team. A Pokemon with nothing but instinctive attacking patterns can only lash out. If human history teaches us nothing, it's that brains beat brawn. This girl would be better off looking for someone with a hint of strategic know-how rather then a brutal killer. (And honestly, your battles have zero strategy involved. They seem to be more like 'whoever rips faster wins'. A lot of what's good in Pokemon is strategy. >.<)

To sum up what I'm trying to say here: Pokemon doesn't need to become a gory movie to become more realistic. In fact, it becomes less so. To make Pokemon more realistic, you could try toying around with characters who aren't as one-dimensional as the anime and games have you working with, or aspects not seen in the games. Character relationships and a dose of logic are what the series needs to become more realistic, not blood and gore. With that, you're just jumping from one fantasy to another.

Oh, and IMO up the rating to R. Please.

I wanted to know where they came from no need to get worked up and I thought some of them were from 5th generation ideas set in the pokemon general part.

Yes, the rating needs to go to R. Just skimmed this, and your diction is top notch, but the actual story makes me a little sick, and your last chapter went a little over the top.

Also, this doesn't really have the feel of the pokemon universe. You need to match the story with the medium you choose to write it in, and pokemon just doesn't work right for me.

Arceus707 said:

I wanted to know where they came from no need to get worked up and I thought some of them were from 5th generation ideas set in the pokemon general part.

Click to expand...

You know, you do realize that long post wasn't talking about you except for the first sentence, right? Don't flatter yourself. I'm worked up over the story, not you.

Erm... I think TXT basically said everything I wanted to say earlier in a few sentences. 0_o

That's what I meant, what's your problem?

Okay. This is quickly becoming a flame war. Don't go there.

Sorry about that and this is rated way above PG14

It's awkward to read this because my mom's name is Junko :classic: